Chapter Text
Leon noticed Matthew picking at the frayed armrest of the couch. It was designed to look hospitable, less like the office of a therapist and more like something out of a friend’s home. Leon sensed the therapist not trying to judge them. Well, judgement was the wrong word. He could sense the therapist trying to understand their situation, but things were different for them compared to most. Most people saw a therapist when something had already happened. They were seeing a therapist for something that hadn’t even occurred. It wasn’t that Leon didn’t think that going to a couple’s counselor was necessary. He didn’t mind, especially if it helped Matty out, but people rarely sought help for when they were in a great relationship.
And they were. The problem was Matty was convinced that it was going to end. The first words that Matthew had said to him weren’t on his body, but Matthew had had his words.
The thing was, Leon hadn’t met his soulmate, they just knew they had mismatching marks. The success rate for couples with mismatched marks was low and those who made it were seen as extraordinary. It was just easier to be with the people they were predestined to be with instead of fighting against nature to be with others.
Leon would catch him staring just a moment too long at the words on his hip, when they had sex. The words that hadn’t been Matthew’s own first words. The only reason he knew is because Matthew had recognized the words indelibly etched onto his body when Leon said them. They’d met in a lecture hall and Matthew had sat towards the back, flanked by some of his hockey friends that were in the introductory philosophy class. Leon never sat so far in the back, but never too close to the front that the teacher could call on him if the class stalled.
Matthew had said something to the class about the reading, comparing this class to the Allegory of the Cave and clearly making a joke at the professor’s expense. The class had erupted in laughter and even the professor looked like he was trying to suppress a smile.
Leon had turned around and rolled his eyes at Matthew, “Even if this was the cave, you wouldn’t be the person to see fire.”
Matthew’s eyes had widened at first, but his lips curled back in a grin.
Leon had turned back around, settling back in his seat as he felt Matthew’s eyes on him for the rest of the class.
Leon probably wouldn’t have even remembered it if Matthew hadn’t chased after him after class.
“Can we talk? I’m Matthew by the way,” Matthew had said.
“Sure..? I’m Leon,” Leon had replied.
“Uh, can we talk privately?” Matthew had said.
“Sure,” Leon had said as he followed Matthew back to his dorm room.
Matthew had dropped his bag to the floor and hastily took off his hoodie. Leon waited for an explanation as to why they were there. Except Matthew didn’t stop with his hoodie. Instead, he lifted his University of Calgary hockey T-shirt over his head.
“What are you doing?” Leon had asked as he looked away from Matthew.
“Look,” Matthew had said. Leon had blinked hesitantly and stared as Matthew turned to face him.
Even if this was the cave, you wouldn’t be the person to see fire.
The words were inked into Matthew’s skin, right above his heart in clear, black lettering. Sure enough, those were unmistakably the words that Leon had said in class.
“You can touch it,” Matthew had said as he noticed Leon’s curiosity. Leon’s hand trembled over Matthew’s chest. It seemed too intimate that Leon could just reach out and touch him, the man who just an hour before was only known to him as his philosophy classmate.
“I don’t have yours,” Leon had blurted out.
And Matthew’s easy grin slipped, “Shit.” He lifted his shirt off of the floor to put it back on and cover up the words. The cocky hockey player that Leon had seen in class had disappeared and this version of Matthew just seemed shy, embarrassed and dejected. And Leon didn’t really know him, but he hated it.
“But I’m also not waiting around for the words either,” Leon had said and shrugged. It was different in Germany and even though he’d been living in Canada for years since high school, he’d internalized the German view of soulmates. Anyone could be a soulmate, you could have multiple, they could be platonic, they could be in a best friend, or they could be romantic. Leon had always assumed his soulmate would be romantic, but he certainly didn’t subscribe to the North American viewpoint that the only person you could be happy with was your soulmate. Matthew did.
That had been four years ago. Leon hadn’t understood it at the time, they were just undergrads in college, but Matthew had entered their relationship with the belief that he was bound to be in a tragic love. Maybe if Leon had noticed it earlier, that underneath the surface of the loud, chatty hockey player, there was a young man petrified of rejection, he could have intervened earlier before the seeds of insecurity grew. Sometimes, Leon wondered if he’d said the right things back then if they’d be seeing a couple’s counselor.
It just seemed unfair that the world had reaffirmed Matthew’s love for Leon while it seemed to mock Leon’s own. The words on Leon’s hip seemed to taunt both of them every time they made love. Are these meetings always this boring?
They weren’t the words that Matthew had said to him and Leon didn’t care, but Matthew did and Leon didn’t know how to make it better.
“I just have this constant worry that he’ll meet his soulmate,” Matthew told Dr. Feeny, unable to make eye contact with either Leon or her.
Leon reached his hand over to rest supportively on Matthew’s knee. He knew it wasn’t easy for his boyfriend to open up, let alone to a stranger.
“It hasn’t happened yet, has it?” Dr. Feeny asked.
“No, but it’s going to, it always happens, right? What’s the point in having a soulmate if you never meet them?” Matthew asked bitterly.
“But you don’t know when that could be,” Dr. Feeny said patiently.
“How do you feel about this, Leon?” Dr. Feeny asked.
“I love Matthew,” Leon shrugged as if it was that simple, “I’ve loved him for years, I want to be with him, and I don’t see anything or anyone changing that. Whether or not I meet the person who says my words I don’t think that I’ll fall in love with someone else, especially not because they say the words on my hip.”
“I know he thinks that, but when he meets them I just think everything is going to change."
Leon frowned, knowing that their time was going to be ending soon and they were still at an impasse, rehashing the same conversation that they’d been having for the past three years.
“Let’s try living in the present,” Dr. Feeny said, “I want you to work on trying to appreciate each other right now. Enjoy the physical intimacy of being with each other and have conversations about the present and then we’ll see how it goes for next time.”
“I’m pretty sure Dr. Feeny told us to have sex,” Leon whispered to Matthew as they walked out to the elevator holding hands. Matthew smiled faintly.
“That was rough, wasn’t it?” Leon said as he gently rubbed his thumb over the back of Matthew’s hand.
“Yeah,” Matthew replied.
“Why are you so convinced that I’m going to leave you?” Leon asked as they headed home.
Matthew shrugged, “There’s someone out there who is perfect for you. Why would you pass that up, I wouldn’t want you to.”
“There is nobody out there who is perfect for me,” Leon said, “Not the person who says the words, not my exes, and not you. That’s not what a soulmate is, that’s not what a relationship is, but that doesn’t mean that what we have isn’t good or isn’t important.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Matthew said and stared out the window.
Leon felt like for the rest of the weekend, they were dancing around each other, careful not to step on the minefield in their relationship. He kept telling Matthew he loved him, trying to show him with his body, too. Leon loved Matthew and he knew Matthew loved him and that should be enough. It just wasn’t. Going to work on Monday was a slight reprieve from the conversation that they just seemed to put a pause on every now and then.
“How was your weekend?” Ryan asked.
Leon shrugged, “Fine, hung out with Matty. How was yours?”
“Good,” Ryan filled him in about what he did over the weekend. “Oh, have you met the new guy yet?” Ryan asked Leon as he leaned over the edge of his cubicle.
“Not yet, why? Does he seem cool?” Leon asked.
Ryan shrugged, “His name’s Connor, he seems fine, he’s a transplant from the Edmonton office, you’ll get to meet him at the staff meeting later.”
Leon didn’t think much of it until he showed up a few minutes late to the meeting and noticed a new face he didn’t recognize.
The guy, Connor, leaned over towards Leon, “Are these meetings always this boring?”
“Always,” Leon smirked, “But you get to daydream in them.”
Connor blinked and smiled, “This meeting just got a hell of a lot more interesting.”
Leon’s throat dried up. Those were the words on his hip and based on Connor’s reaction, he was pretty sure Connor had his own words somewhere on his body. He knew almost immediately that he wasn’t attracted to Connor, but he could see them becoming good friends.
When the meeting ended, Connor stuck around, “Want to grab beers after work?”
“Sorry, but I have someone waiting for me at home,” Leon said, making it clear that even if they were soulmates, Matthew was in the picture and he wasn’t going anywhere, “See you tomorrow, Connor. Welcome to Calgary.”
So Leon went home. The entire train ride home, Leon wondered if he should tell Matthew. He knew the news would hurt him and he knew not telling him would also hurt him.
“Hi,” Matthew said as he heard the door open and Leon arrived back home.
“Hey,” Leon said. He sank into Matthew, burying his face into Matthew’s curls and
“Rough day?” Matthew asked.
“You have no idea,” Leon said. He pulled away for a second to study Matthew’s gently curious expression and then he kissed him with passion and fervor that seemed out of place for the post-work greeting.
“What was that for?” Matthew asked. And Leon knew he had to tell him, he just couldn’t bear to see the look on Matthew’s face when he said it.
“I love you,” Leon said, “I love you so much.”
Matthew’s smile froze, “I love you, too.”
Leon held Matthew’s hands in his own, trying to savor the last couple of moments before he shattered Matthew’s world, “I met him today, the guy whose words I have. His name’s Connor.”