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Everything hurt.
Everything felt like I had been hit by a horse at full-speed before getting dragged through town. I felt alone, I felt hurt.
I felt nothing but pain and an ache in my heart that told me I wasn’t good enough. Everything I did wasn’t good enough, and I had to work myself that much harder. That no matter what I did to learn how to survive in the Sengoku period, I was far from the princess type that Nobunaga saw in many of the princesses within his clan. That one day, the man I love would find someone much prettier, much cuter and with the most perfect smile of love without having to worry about the pain inside.
I felt ugly. I felt disgusted. I was small, and had been caught in the centre of one too many rescue missions before Masamune came barreling in with his sword raised.
The lucky charm name that Nobunaga gave felt like a pathetic excuse to keep me around and under watchful eyes, after I had just appeared out of nowhere to scoop him up and save him from his assassin. I was just thrown there into a world that was no longer the history I knew, and the frantic pace of war drove my beliefs to act out. It was the only way I was safe, how I somehow gained the attribute of being ‘brave’.
I was afraid and in the end, I knew I was nothing.
I was no princess.
I was no brave lass.
I was a scared insecure fool, who only knew how to run and push, but never how to actually fight my own battles. I never had the right ammunition to protect me, and that was no different to how I saw my looks.
My feet dragged themselves, a placid expression on my face the entire day as my own little invisible rain cloud followed me. The walk from manor to manor allowed me to get some fresh air, but the sun felt much too bright for me. The castle felt like it was probably the best place for me to be, hiding behind corners, until I found somewhere that I could just curl up.
All of my thoughts felt overwhelming, overpowering and dragged me into an internal abyss.
“Hey, Hideyoshi.”
“Oh. Masamune. Did you already see Lord Nobunaga?”
“Yeah, I was just coming back from there and was going to look for Minju for a late lunch. Have you seen her?”
No, please go away. Please don’t find me.
“Uh… not since this morning. She’s been acting a little weird today though.”
“Weird, huh?”
“Yeah. I don’t know if her head’s in the clouds or something, but she wasn’t too happy. She didn’t even respond when I said good morning to her! Mitsuhide said she looks like she’s been avoiding eye contact with everyone.”
I didn’t want anyone to look at my eyes. If anyone so much as sat me down, I knew I would burst into tears. I kept my head down as the two talked, making sure I was out of sight and in my little corner. My eyes were already pricking with tears, my shoulders hunched over and trembling.
“Hm… thanks for that, Hideyoshi. I’ll see if I can find her.”
I thought they had both walked away, sniffling quietly as I gripped my hair, knees pulled up to my chest.
“Kitten…?” Masamune’s touch came gently to my shoulder, but I still jumped and jerked away, raising my head to look at him. “Hey.”
I looked away immediately, not knowing what to say.
“What’s wrong, kitten?”
Even if I couldn’t see his face, I could hear the frown in his words, and he moved next to me to take a seat on the floor. My hair draped over my face, shielding my expression from him, so he wouldn’t see me.
“Hey, kitten. Hideyoshi tells me you haven’t been feeling too good. Want to tell me what’s wrong and why your whiskers aren’t twitching with happiness today?”
“I just want to be alone.”
“Minju.” His hand reached over to cup my chin and tilt my head towards him, even though I kept avoiding his gaze and his free arm wrapped around me to hold me close. “What’s wrong?”
I felt more foolish in telling him everything than I did the whole day, every single thought and worry that I had pent up inside me, but in broken sentences. I wasn’t too good at being verbal, and more so better at writing, even though I was still learning bits of the Sengoku Era’s vocabulary. When I looked up at him, I could see the frown that my words brought to his lips. I hated upsetting people, and I hated it even more when I was the reason for it.
Yet Masamune still held onto me, making sure to listen to every word I said. “You’re wrong about that. You’re not ugly… you’re the cutest and most beautiful when you smile. There’s no one else I could love other than you. And all those things you’re thinking? Those aren’t true. You’re amazing, kitten, whether you realize it or not. Sure war isn’t for you, and it’s not something anyone should go through. You’ve come here from a different time, and had to learn how to survive. You had no idea what to do, but that shouldn’t have to mean you’re pathetic. You did your best to try and survive, and you’re doing it every day you’re here and choosing to stay instead of going back home.”
I didn’t know how to feel about that. My personality had been constructed since day one under my parents’ guidance, set to their expectations and make sure that no one was upset as a result of my actions. I kept busy to avoid their lectures and dodge the yelling they gave me when I was a teen, and I had to fight tooth and nail just to be able to live on my own in a city far away from them, only to be thrown into a life 500 years in the past where I found my love in a whirlwind of freedom.
“Minju… kitten…” he called to me softly. “You’re not in a world of grades anymore. There is no classification for the hard-working and wonderful person you are. The only one left holding any expectation for yourself is you. All we want is for you to be yourself, but you should do things for yourself and not for others.” His fingers combed through my hair, beckoning my trembling body closer to him.
I was a crybaby, and in the middle of those words, I had already felt tears start to leak bit by bit until he finished speaking. I wanted to please everyone, work hard until I gained some sort of approval. I never thought about myself.
Masamune stayed with me the entire time I cried. I felt guilty, trying to wipe at the hot tears to get rid of them, but he would do it for me every time. My head was running blank until I cried every last tear I could.
“I-I’m sorry… I’m keeping you from your work…”
“Hm? You don’t have to apologize. You’re important to me, kitten, and I’m not going to let you stay in a corner by yourself.” He looked at me for a moment. “In fact… I’m going to make sure you stay with me, no matter what.”
“Huh…?” I was pulled to my feet, our fingers laced as he pulled me through the halls of the castle, in the direction of the castle gates. “Where are you taking me…?” I could see Hideyoshi and Nobunaga coming and I couldn’t help but hide as Masamune came to a stop.
“Masamune,” came Nobunaga’s booming voice. There’s a pause, like Nobunaga was throwing a gaze behind him, trying to see through him. “See to it that our fireball is smiling by the morning, or for however long it will take.”
“As you command.”
I kept my head down. I felt guilty that I couldn’t greet them, but it seemed like Hideyoshi had told Nobunaga about my mood today.
Not choosing to linger any longer, Masamune was gentle in guiding me to his manor where I stayed close to Masamune until we got to his room. The door shut behind us, and he sat down, tugging me into his lap. He smiled gently, nudging my cheek with his finger and he turned to peck my lips gently. We had been caught in this quiet mood when something furry brushed up against us, paws climbing over both of our laps until Shogetsu was settled in and nuzzling my chest. “Hey. Have you come to make her smile too?”
Shogetsu meowed at us, cuddling and curling up with a purr.
I hesitated, not wanting to transfer my anxiety over to the cub, but he looked at me expectantly until I finally started to pet him. It was the warmth of Masamune’s arms around me, and Shogetsu cuddling up to us that allowed me to calm down and ease the tension off my shoulders.
“I got you something while I was in town today,” Masamune murmured softly. His fingers reached into his kimono, pulling out a rectangular package and handed it to me.
With shaky hands, I took it and carefully unwrapped it. It was a new brush set.
“I noticed you were using your brushes quite a bit lately with your drawing and writing lately, so I thought you would like this.”
Quietly, I kissed his cheek in a silent ‘thank you’. I could feel the tears start to warm my tired eyes, touched that they would both try to cheer me up in every way possible. I couldn’t bring myself to write, not when thoughts like these dragged my mind and my performance down. Like everything was the worst in the world, and I had no right to be a part of–
“Hey…” Masamune’s voice pulled me back before my mind went back down that path, my slight startled expression meeting his serious expression.
I swallowed quietly, a sniffle as I reached up to wipe a stray tear.
He caught my wrist, leaning in to kiss the tear away for me. “I’m here, kitten… you don’t have to hurt anymore. I’m not going to leave you.”
My voice was quiet, breaking as he was tender and gentle with me. “I envy you, Masamune…”
He looked at me with a questioning expression. “What do you mean?”
“I’m so closed up like this, so scared at times… yet you live so freely. I wish I could be like the strong person you are… with your strong convictions and living without fears like the ones in my head.”
“No one is perfect, kitten. This is all still new to you. I’ve lived a lifetime of this, but you’ve been here for months. You can learn how to have it, how to use it, how to keep your beliefs while doing so… but learning how to keep every conviction without fear is something that isn’t going to be done overnight. But I’ll help you, so you can live a life without fear, if that’s what you want.”
His words soothed me, calmed me in my fears and was drawing me out of my slump bit by bit. My words hung in tongue-twisters, trying to find the right thing to say, but all I could muster was a simple, “Thank you.” I wasn’t completely better, but I was starting to feel it. My little rain cloud was evaporating and the sun didn’t seem too bright anymore.
He smiled his warm smile, thumb brushing over my lips. “There’s the smile.”
I hadn’t noticed that my smile returned to my lips, though I must’ve looked silly with puffy eyes and a smile. “I love you.”
“I love you too, kitten.” His lips were warm and gentle against mine, kissing me with love as he pulled me close until Shogetsu yelped between us, breaking our kiss to meow in protest at us.
For a moment, we looked at him as he leapt off us to curl up in the corner then at each other, our smiles formed anew.
“C’mon, kitten. Let’s go test out these brushes and see if I have to go marching back for my money,” Masamune joked. He never did let me go the entire time that I did try my new brushes, his arms around my waist and his chin on my shoulder.
I felt safer this way. I couldn’t cry or show my writing to anyone else except him, his words complimenting in my ears at the work I produced on the paper with my brushes.
Because we are vulnerable to no one but to each other.