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Dean brought the bottle of whiskey to his lips and didn't even react as he drank some down. He barely even noticed the burn. He barely noticed anything anymore. It had been weeks since Jack had taken over as the new god, weeks since Cas d- since he had seen Cas. He was wreck. He knew it, and he knew that Sam knew it, but they were both doing a good job at pretending that they were both okay. Sam picked up the empty liquor and beer bottles, and in return, Dean didn't mention Eileen. Dean faked smiles and hunted like his entire world wasn't falling apart, and in return, Sam didn't mention Cas. They were both hoping that if they pretended they were okay for long enough, maybe they actually would be.
It wasn't a new experience for Dean. Losing people wasn't, losing Cas wasn't, and Dean really tried not to think about how messed up it was that he was almost used to this. He had lost Cas so many times, in so many ways, but this time... this time was different. This time, everything was different. Hearing Cas admit that he loved him halted Dean's entire world. It wasn't the first time. The first time was yet another time when he almost lost Cas, but after Cas had said he loved him, his wording made it feel like he was speaking to everyone in the room. That he was just admitting that he loved his found family, and in true Winchester form, was willing to do anything to protect them. This time... this time it had just been Dean. Only Dean.
Dean had spent countless hours repeating Cas' speech, his declaration in his head. He was convinced that it was just Cas once again reiterating how Dean was his family. But then... then Dean remembered the part of what Cas said that changed everything. Cas had admitted to wanting the one thing he couldn't have. He already had Dean as his best friend. He already had Dean as his family. After years, years of hoping and praying, Cas was finally admitting that he didn't just love him. He was in love with him. Dean hadn't said anything. God, he wished he could take it all back. He wished he had said something, anything. But he froze up. In a matter of minutes, he learned that the person he had been in love with for years felt the same, only to for him to be ripped from him like some sort of cruel joke.
He said had Sam. Thank god, well Jack, for that. Dean wished he could be a better big brother, because he knew Sam was hurting too. Sam had fallen head over heels for Eileen only to lose her, and he knew it hurt Sam to lose Cas too. Dean tried time and time again to offer some sort of consolation, but he fell short every time. How could he convince his little brother that everything was okay when it wasn't? He had to keep grinding. If not, Cas' sacrifice was for nothing. But he couldn't stop thinking about Cas, he couldn't stop thinking about how Cas had died without even knowing that he felt that the same, that he had felt the same for year after excruciating year. He raised the bottle to his lips again, but it was empty.
Dean stumbled into consciousness with a migraine, and the taste of cheap liquor still leaving a fuzzy film in his mouth. He rubbed his eyes, thankful that the bunker was underground and the only light was from a small bedside lamp. Like always, the first thing that popped in his head was Cas. Always Cas. Always a litany of "what ifs". What if he would have kissed him before The Empty took him? What if he would have been more attentive, and found out about the deal earlier? What if he would have told Cas he was in love with him years ago? Dean crawled out of bed, not caring that he was in the same dirty sweatpants and henley that he had been in for days, and he stumbled his way into the kitchen.
"Why the hell are you up?" He rasped at Sam, finding him staring at his phone at the dining table. Sam ignored him, still staring at his phone with his eyebrows tented in confusion and his mouth slightly agape. "Hello?" Dean tried again, grabbing a carton of orange juice from the fridge. "Earth to sasquatch?"
Sam swallowed hard in disbelief and replied without even looking up. "I- I got a text. From Eileen."
Dean dropped the carton of orange juice and didn't even care that it splattered everywhere. "Eileen?"
"Yeah." Sam's face lit up, his eyes bright and his grin wide. "She doesn't really know what happened. She just.... came back later than everyone else? She wants me to meet up with her-"
"She just showed up later than everyone else? You don't find that suspicious at all? Are you sure it's her?"
"She video called me, Dean. It... it's really her. She's really back. Yeah it's weird, but maybe Jack ran out of juice. Maybe he needed time to start bringing everyone back. Maybe he can bring Cas back-"
"Don't." Dean growled. "Don't say it. This has to be a trap."
Sam chuckled humorlessly. "I thought so too, but how could it be? It was her, Dean. I have to go see her."
Dean grabbed a hand towel from the kitchen counter to angrily start mopping up the orange juice. "Be careful. This doesn't sit right with me." Dean tried not to think, tried not to think about the fact that apparently everyone was coming back. Everyone but Cas.
"I will. But it has to be her. It just has to be. I'm leaving now, but I'll be home soon. I'll bring her with me." Sam pushed his hair out of his face, his expression still glowing.
Dean nodded. "Yeah, well you know she's always welcome here. Go get her and bring her home, Sammy." Home. Dean tried not to think about how the bunker no longer felt like home with Cas. He never stuck around much anyway, but the bunker was Cas' home too, and Dean wasn't even sure if he had ever told Cas that.
Sam quickly packed a bag and headed for the door while Dean kicked his feet up on the map table, his last beer in his hand. He was so sick of having to buy more alcohol, of needing it just to get through the day when he wasn't on a hunt. Sam stopped just shy of the staircase. "You know, Jack could still bring him back. Have you tried praying-"
"Stop." Dean interrupted. "Just go get Eileen. I'm fine. Just go."
Sam gave him a forced, tightlipped smile and left. Sam knew. Sam had to have known how Dean felt about Cas, he had to have known for years. Dean knew he wasn't as subtle as he pretended to be. Sam had never said anything, but he knew that Dean always drank himself into a stupor when Cas died. He knew Cas was different. He would never put Dean in the position to have to admit it, but he knew.
Dean babysat his beer as the mantra of "what ifs" kicked back up. He didn't know how long he sat there, but eventually a soft, faint sound caught his attention. There was something scratching at the bunker door. "The hell?" he muttered out loud, standing up. He made his way up the stairs and cautiously flung open the door.
On the other side was the fluffy dog he had named Miracle. She wagged her tail at him, looking up expectantly like he was just supposed to let her in. "What the hell are you doing here?" Dean asked her. She barked and wagged her tail again.
"I noticed that you liked her, so I brought her back." Jack's voice made him jump. He didn't notice that Jack had appeared in the grass a few feet away.
Dean knew he should be thanking Jack, or greeting him, or literally anything else, but he only saw red. "Really, Jack?" He yelled. "You're even brought back the friggin' dog?"
Jack tilted his head and blinked in confusion. Dean hated how much it reminded him of Cas. "What do you mean?" Jack asked. "You planned on keeping her before."
Dean pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Look kid, I know you're the new god in town or whatever. And you wanted to be hands off. I get that you don't want to be like Chuck. But you've brought back everyone. Everyone except for-" Dean swallowed hard and blinked. "Everyone except for Cas. That doesn't sound hands off to me."
"Oh!" Jack smiled. "Some people were easy to bring back. Some weren't."
Dean knew it. He knew he wouldn't get a second chance, that he didn't deserve one. Cas would hate him thinking like that. He would think Dean was deserving, and that made the reality hurt so much worse. "Is that why it took longer to bring Eileen back?"
"People that were alive prior to Chuck making them vanish were easier. Anyone that had died before then... it was more complicated than I thought. Getting Castiel out of The Empty was particularly hard-"
"What?" Dean asked, his voice barely above a whisper. "Cas isn't in The Empty? Where is he?"
"Hello, Dean." Dean jumped for a second time as Cas materialized beside him, a smile on his face.
"Cas..." Dean breathed, immediately pulling him into his arms. It was too good to be true, and yet Cas was hugging him back tightly, the texture of the familiar trench coat shattering Dean's entire world. The hug was too long, too intimate to be shared between two people who were "just friends", but there hugs always were.
Jack cleared his throat. "I'll leave you two alone." He looked down, thinking for a moment. "I know I said I wanted to be hands off, Dean. But you, Sam, Castiel.. you deserve to be happy." He raised his hand in his signature awkward wave and vanished.
Dean turned to Cas. "You stupid son of a bitch."
Cas winced slightly. "I know some of the things I said before leaving may have made things awkward-"
"Awkward?'
Cas squinted at him. "You had to have known what I meant when I said I loved you."
Dean was already fucking this up, but it was so hard to just talk when all he wanted to do was kiss Cas. "No- I mean yes- I mean... I knew what you meant Cas."
"I understand that it can be awkward when someone confesses their feelings and they're not reciprocated-"
"Cas just... just shut up for a second." Dean interrupted, putting his hand on Cas' shoulder. "I know...I know I sorta froze up back there. I wanted you to stop talking back there, but not because I didn't want to hear what you had to say. I did, just... not like that. I didn't want you to tell me you loved me only to leave me, only to have to lose you again. I wanted to hear it. God, I've wanted to hear it for so long."
Cas tilted his head. "You did?"
Dean just laughed. Out of everyone in the world, he had fallen in love with the most oblivious angel in the world. So, he did something to say what words never could. He kissed him. He kissed him to make up for every time he never did, for every time he almost did. He kissed him like Cas' lips were the air his lungs needed to breathe, and everything fell into place. Everything was worth it. Hell, Heaven, purgatory. All of it was worth it. Cas was worth it.
And Cas was kissing him back with fervor, his arms wrapped around Dean's neck as Dean fingers got lost in Cas' hair. When Dean finally pulled back he grinned. "Say it again."
Cas smiled back. "I love you, Dean."
Dean kissed him again. "Yeah, me too, angel."