Work Text:
dear minhyung,
i was going to address this to mark but i called you minhyung all of the time to annoy you. but i know you got used to it eventually, didnt you? renjun and jisung have been telling me to write this and get all of my feelings out there. just so you can hear them, wherever you are. what better day to write it than today, the anniversary of our third year together?
ah, it’s our third anniversary today. i know you remember that it’s today because you never ever forgot. you remembered how long we were friends for. how long we didn’t speak for when we were mad at each other for stupid reasons. how long we were together for. i always picked up your habits. so much so that i picked that one up.
you’ve been gone for five months and twelve days.
and, i’ve never missed you more. i don’t think i’ve stopped crying. there hasn’t been a day where i haven’t looked at my lockscreen of you and i and just.. sobbed. i know you’re probably thinking that i should stop crying and that i should take my time to be happy. but how can i be happy when you’re not here? they call me full sun, but minhyung, you were my sunshine. you made my life light up. and now, it’s like everything is in black and white.
jisung keeps coming over to check up on me but i know he’s hurt as well. i can see the broken look on his face and i feel like i’m being selfish. like, i shouldn’t feel this way and that i’m not the only one going through the pain of losing you. but jeno reminds me that out of everyone, i’m the closest to you. after all, you were mine. and i am eternally yours. he tells me often that it’s okay to cry and feel broken because i’ve lost the love of my life. and it hits me. i have lost my soulmate. i have lost the one stable thing in my life that i hoped i would have forever. you.
fuck, i hoped to get through this letter without crying but now, the ink is smudged and you won't be able to read this.
mark. minhyung. i’m so lost without you. i don't feel anything anymore aside from sadness and despair. why did you have to go out? i told you we didn’t need anything from the store but you still had to go and get me the pack of pepero i mentioned i wanted before. i told you it was dangerous because it was late. you didn’t listen to me. you usually do but the one time it fucking mattered, you didn’t. i should’ve held onto you. i should’ve clung onto you. i should’ve distracted you and stopped you from leaving out but i didn’t. i didn’t and i’ve lost you.
i remember leaving our apartment to find you about an hour later and i went to the shop. the assistant said that you had left around thirty minutes before. i panicked. i thought you left me and it scared me. but then, more panic set in because i thought ‘oh, what if you have been hurt?’. fuck that because when i left the shop and turned the corner, i saw you there. slumped. all broken and bruised with the pepero in your hands.
you were there, your eyes hooded. your bag that i bought for you last christmas was gone and the only thing you had was my pepero. i bent down to you and cupped your face with one hand, my other hand scrambling to get my phone. i called the ambulance and they said they were coming fast. i threw my phone down somewhere and held your face.
“don’t worry about me, baby,” you said.
“it’ll be fine. i love you.”
you promised me that nothing would happen and that you’ll be okay. you sealed the promise with a kiss.
and then everything crashed down. because you slumped into my arms and your breathing slowed. i could feel a liquid coming from your stomach. that tummy i used to rest my head on when i was tired. and when i lifted my hand up, i saw blood.
i didn’t know what to do.
the ambulance came fast, as they promised and they took you away. i wasn’t allowed to go with you, so i sat in the alleyway, sobbing, begging for them to let me in. jeno walked past around that time, seeing the red staining my hand and my hoodie. he came and hugged me. i didn’t want to hug him. i wanted you.
i still want you.
the last time i saw you alive was there in the alleyway.
the hospital had phoned me the next day to come. they sounded mournful. i hadn’t started sobbing until i got there. and saw you. broken. bruised. lifeless. your skin was cold. your hands were cold. your lips were cold. i stayed next to you, on my knees, praying, hoping that someone out there would somehow revive you. and bring you back to me.
i don’t want to talk about this though because it’s making me cry even harder as i relive that.
anyways, mark, baby, i think you’ll be proud of me. i finally learnt how to play the guitar. that’s one thing i did for you. i know you wanted me to do it so throughout these months, i learnt how to play on your guitar.
i know you bought me one but i don’t want to use it. i want to use your one that is covered in stickers from bands i have never heard of, a sticker of a maple leaf and the sticker of michael jackson that i forced you to put on there.
i learnt how to play an acoustic version of billionaire. you proud of me?
i just wanted to end this letter by saying thank you. thank you for letting me love you all this time. thank you for not being annoyed at me. thank you for being my first and last.
i love you.
- eternally yours, lee donghyuck.
haechan sealed the envelope after sliding the letter in there and messily scrawled mark’s name on there. he placed it on the desk before laying on the bed, shutting his eyes and embracing his memories he had with mark.