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I love you
Cas is gone.
He can’t stop staring at the spot where the man was standing less than ten minutes ago. Smiling almost spitefully through the tears streaming down his cheeks.
I love you
Dean can’t shake the feeling that’s burning in his chest, the feeling that makes him want to bend over and vomit onto the floor.
Cas is gone.
“Fuck,” Dean hisses through his teeth, palms pressing into his eyes hard enough to see stars. “Shit,” he warbles, looking once more at the spot where Cas last stood. He knows, suddenly, what the feeling tearing through his chest is. Loss. Longing. Guilt.
I love you. Goodbye, Dean.
Dean, he thinks to himself. You fucking idiot.
***
He slams a wall down between his heart and his head, or tries to anyway. It’s easier because they are hyper-focused on Chuck -on saving the damn world one more time- and Dean can put aside the fact that Cas is gone. Like this, he can pretend that maybe Cas is on a special mission to save them all from the inevitable beat-down Chuck will deal them. That he’ll show up like he always does, with seconds to spare, giving them the burst of energy needed to win. Except that that pit in his stomach, and that burning in his chest… it hasn’t gone away. He feels it with every breath he takes, in every word Jack speaks or look Sam gives.
When he sleeps long enough for dreams to come, they’re of tearful blue eyes and the overwhelming feeling of loss and regret.
And when Chuck loses, it’s not because Cas swooped in to save the day.
Suddenly that gnawing feeling is growing in size, getting worse when he realizes he has to say goodbye to his kid.
Their kid.
They get back to the bunker and it’s almost overwhelmingly quiet. The pit has grown into a black hole, like he’s moments away from collapsing in on himself, and the only reason he hasn’t succumbed is because of Sam.
***
He lays in bed and thinks about Cas, feeding the void. He hugs Miracle tight to his chest and his happy little puppy huffs ease the pain just a little, but it’s never enough to rebuild what’s been broken. He acts as normal for Sam as he possibly can, and he avoids mentioning Jack or Cas. But in his room… in his bed, he stares at the ceiling and let’s his final moments with Cas play out. Except this time, he doesn’t stand there dumbfounded and still. He doesn’t let Cas bear his heart and then disappear. He moves closer, until Cas is the only thing in his view, and he holds him, cradling his neck with one hand and smoothing the ever messy brown hair with the other. He tells him what he should’ve said years ago. What he almost said while they were stuck in Purgatory. “I love you. Please don’t go.”
Opening his eyes brings him back to the old speckled ceiling and the warmth of a small dog curled at his side.
He’s empty, he realizes, biting back a tearful laugh.
The Empty took Cas, and now it’s taken him too.
***
It’s on the tip of his tongue, to joke with Sam that it’s fitting to die here, in a barn eerily similar to the one he met Cas in.
He doesn’t, of course, because time is limited and he needs Sam to be okay. Needs him to know that he’s ready for this, even if it does feel like a bitch way to go out after fighting God and the Devil. Mostly, he needs Sam to know that it’s okay to live his life knowing that Dean will always be there even though he’s gone.
When he can finally let go -when he knows Sam is going to be alright- it’s like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.
***
“That kid of yours …” Bobby begins, letting Dean take in this new Heaven that his kid built. Jack did this. He made this. The swell of pride in his chest is almost overwhelming.
“Jack did all that?” He breathes in awe, staring out at the beauty of this place.
“Well… Cas helped.”
It’s like everything stops at the mention of the angel. Bobby’s looking at him knowingly as Dean processes it.
Cas is here.
Cas is in Heaven, not the Empty.
He stands up abruptly, though Bobby isn’t startled. “Do you know-”
“He’s got a place not too far. Maybe a mile or so that way.” Bobby says, pointing down the road. “Though I’m sure he’d come if you just cal-” But Dean’s not listening anymore. He’s stepping off the deck and walking in the direction Bobby pointed. “You could take your car at least, ya damn idjit.”
He hadn’t noticed the Impala, lost to his thoughts as soon as Bobby said Cas’ name. But now he looks, see’s his baby sitting there looking brand new, and alright, yeah. Bobby’s right. He is an idiot.
As he drives, it’s like the car knows where to take him.
It’s not long before he’s rolling up a dirt road, revealing a cozy cabin at its end. He thinks it’s something he’s seen before. Maybe in a dream? There are rocking chairs on the front porch, wind chimes swaying in the breeze, and smoke billowing from a cobbled chimney. It’s definitely from a dream he had, though how he knows that he’s not sure.
He’s out of the car and hesitantly walking towards the porch as the screen door swings open and Cas is standing there in jeans and a flannel shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows.
“Hello, Dean,” Cas says, the deep rasp of his voice making the hairs on the back of Dean’s neck stand on end. He hurries up the steps, standing close enough that their chests are touching.
“Cas,” He breathes, voice breaking. There’s something different about him that Dean can’t quite place. A lightness, maybe. “I thought you were gone.” It’s the most honest he’s been since he watched Cas sacrifice himself. “I… I thought I lost you for good this time.” The tears that he had fought back for so long are running freely now, blurring his vision.
A hand, gentler than he thought it could be, strokes through his hair before resting on his neck and pulling him in. Their foreheads pressed together, as Cas’ thumb rubs soothingly at Dean’s jaw. “I was so stupid, Cas. So damn stupid and I could have lost you for good. Without you knowing… without telling you that...”
His visions clearer as Cas pulls away, a smile on his face so warm it could light an entire galaxy. He reaches up to wipe away Dean’s tears, looking at him like he’s something precious to behold. “Without telling me what, Dean?”
Dean steadies himself, not so dissimilar to how he would prepare for a hunt. “That you changed me too. That I wouldn’t be the man I am without you. That every day I have had with you has given my life more meaning. That losing you… really, truly losing you, was like losing a chunk of me that could never be replaced. That I have spent every day since your sacrifice regretting that I was too dumb to tell you, you were wrong. That you can have this. That you could always have this. Because… because I love you, too.”
The bubble of delighted laughter from Cas makes Dean’s heart sing, and he almost dies again from shock as Cas eagerly pulls him down into a kiss, smiling lips pressed together.
The kiss lasts for long enough that when a throat clears behind them, Dean’s hair is a mess and Cas’ shirt is halfway unbuttoned. They turn to the sound and see Sam standing there, arms crossed over his chest and a pleased smirk on his lips. Cas clears his throat, trying to reign in the dopey smile and failing,“Hello, Sam.”
“Good to see ya, Cas,” Sam says, an eyebrow raised in that snarky way of his as he looks between Dean and Cas. “Am I interrupting something?”
“Oh, shut up, Bitch.”
“What a way to greet your dead brother, Jerk.”