Work Text:
Dean took in the scent of pastry, sugar, and fruit in the air. Sweet and gentle. The hum of people walking and talking, enjoying the Pie Fest. The sunny yet cool weather surrounding them. It was pleasant. It should have felt pleasant.
But there was a nagging, restless feeling in him. It just wasn’t right. Everything was fixed, the world was back to normal, Sam and Eileen had a steady thing going. After Chuck had taken her away they were taking things slow (again) but he could tell his brother was happy. Jody and the girls were alright. The boys had paid them a visit as soon as Jack brought everyone back. All of their people were back. Safe. All except one-
“Have you been listening to anything I’ve been saying” Sam huffed, interrupting Dean’s train of thought.
“Huh” Dean looked up at Sam from the pie slices in front of him. Still not wholly present.
Sam sighed. He paused for a second, seeming to struggle with what he wanted to say next.
“Hey... are you okay? You’ve been really out of it ever since we took down Chuck” Sam inquired, his brows furrowing, eyes knowing.
“Chucks dead, I got ma baby, I got ma pie. What else could I need?” Dean grinned back at Sam, his smile tight, not quite reaching his eyes.
They both knew what was missing. They’d known ever since Jack faded away and they’d road tripped to the girls. The topic had been a heavy presence among them, with neither approaching it first. Dean didn’t know how to: how could words describe everything he was experiencing and feeling? Sam didn’t want to push it. To say too much and have Dean burrow into himself and not be able to bring him back out. He still remembered how it was last time, the grief, the anger, the giving up.
An uncomfortable silence stretched out in front of them. Dean sighed lightly.
“You know. Before he- before- “ he stumbled over his words in frustration. Letting out another sigh, this time harsher.
“It’s okay Dean. You don’t have to talk about thi-“
“No. No, I- let me. I have to. I- I need to.” He gulped. His eyes flickered about unable to settle, before he closed them and took in a breath before continuing.
“Before he- before Cas saved me. He told me something.” He took in another breath.
“He said he-“ He swallowed. “He told me he loved me man.” His rough voice breaking on the all important word. Eyes glazing up. He looked around tensely, making sure not to meet Sam’s gaze.
Sam’s expression had not changed from soft and sympathetic. He knew. They’d all known. It was the perpetual unsaid non-secret. But hearing it said out loud, in this context, it broke his heart. He’d lost a friend, but Dean had lost so much more.
Dean continued. “I couldn’t say it. It was there, it was-“ He choked back what sounded like a sob.
“It was clear as day in my head. But I couldn’t say it. He was there and then he wasn’t and he saw me Sammy. He saw and he loved me anyway, and I couldn’t say it.” Dean spat out the last words. His throat constricted, more straining to come out but unable. He glanced up to the sky trying to stop the already there tears.
Sam spared him from having to speak further. “He knew Dean. He had to- I- I’m so sorry.” He cleared his throat, composing himself.
“We’ll find him, we’ll bring him back. Because that’s what we do.” Sam continued, placing a hand on Deans shoulder. Retreating it when he received a subtle flinch in response.
“We’ve been looking Sammy. There’s nothing in the lore. Jacks gone. We can’t summon it here. He’s-“ Dean managed to get out, no harshness or edge to his voice. It was just. Empty.
-
It stormed that night.
Dean had left Sam in the bunker talking to Eileen on his computer. He needed to be away from it all. There were too many reminders all around.
He sat outside in the Impala. Rain beating down above and around him. He’d been praying to... well, the only being he ever prayed to. He’d been doing that a lot lately, unsure if his prayers were being heard, but unable to stop himself. He’d talk about how Sam and Eileen were doing, he told Cas about how Claire had been during their visit, he told him about Jack, he told him about Miracle, he spoke of everything, except the most important thing. He just. Couldn’t. Not like this. Not with him gone.
Before the thought of what Cas had told him before he left could drag him down too deep to resurface again, he diverted his prayers.
“Uh, hey Jack. I don’t know if you can hear me. I guess I’m uh, prayin. To you.” He looked side to side with his eyes as if waiting for something to happen. The rain continued to pour.
“This is stupid. I just- wanted to know how you were doing kid. Which you are. Still a kid. Don’t think because you got God powers now or something that you’re some hot shot okay?” He leaned his head against the back of his seat, smiling sadly, the joke not masking how much he missed his son.
“There’s something I didn’t get to ask you, when you were here. You uh- you brought everyone back but- Cas. I dunno, part of me thought we’d get back to the bunker after you left and he’d be there or somethin.” He felt awkward, silly. His voice tinged with uncertainty.
He sighed. He was tired. He was too damn tired. “Jack- if you can hear me. Please. I- I need him. Sam’s got Eileen, you’re off being God or whatever, and- he’s gone- he’s gone and I can’t move on.” He closed his eyes, tears were brimming, but these days that was a constant for him.
The rain softened. The wind whistled. He felt crazy, but, he looked around and softly spoke out anyways. “Jack is that-“ He paused. “I’m really sitting here talking to rain... I- I’ve lost it. Great.” He closed his eyes again.
Time passed. A minute, maybe an hour, maybe days, he couldn’t tell. But the rain began to beat down again, there was an electric energy in the air. He couldn’t tell if he was going crazy or if it was really there.
Then there was a whooshing sound.
“Hello Dean.”
-
Dean didn’t know how long he sat there, eyes wide, mouth parted, his heart thumping.
“This is awkward” stated plainly the man in front of him.
“Cas... is- is that really you” Dean whispered out. Willing himself not to blink, not to miss a second, worried it would not last.
“Yes. Jack, he, brought me back.” Castiel replied, giving a small almost smile and looking down at his hands. He was nervous.
“How?! Why did it take this long I-“
“We talked. Me and Jack. The Empty was damaged after Jack exploded in it, and I was able to hear him call to me before you all defeated Chuck. I told him- I told him to leave me, that I was at peace. He fixed the empty, but he wouldn’t leave me there, so he called me back to heaven.” He glanced nervously at Dean.
“I’ve been in heaven helping him reshape things, I think I may have also convinced him to come back to the bunker once he’s done patching up heaven. He can be God with his family around him.” He rambled, clearly having too much too say while avoiding what he was really wanting to address. He looked up at Dean, gulping. Dean was frowning back, eyes questioning still. So he continued tentatively.
“But um yes, you asked him to- and I- Well I’m here now” he finished quickly.
“You were in heaven and you didn’t come back here? Did you hear my prayers?” Dean asked, his confused voice breaking.
“I didn’t think you’d want me around after I-. I appreciated you praying to me, those were the best moments of my time in the Empty, and then heaven... but I didn’t think-“
“Didn’t think what Cas?” Dean responded, no anger in his voice, just sadness. “That I wouldn’t want you back? That every day here hasn’t been hell? Knowing what I know? Knowing that you-“ He looked away, not wanting to break.
“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable Dean” Cas replied, his blue eyes pools of emotion; pained.
Dean turned and shook his head softy, a chuckle escaping him despite the tears threatening to overflow. “I love you, you stupid son of a bitch.”
Castiel’s eyes widened.
“I love you. I don’t know how long I’ve loved you. I- You’re an angel, and I didn’t think you could- I didn’t think you could feel the same way man. But then you did. And you were gone. Cas I can’t lose you again, I can’t, I can’t do this without you. The whole life thing. I can’t” Dean continued, his voice raspy, his breathing panicked. His eyes reflected everything he was saying.
He breathed in and kept going. “You know... when- when Jack was born, and Lucifer killed you. That’s the first time I actually knew. Or maybe it was the first time I admitted it to myself I don’t know man. But I knew then. And I was happy just knowing and never getting to have it because how could anyone love-, especially an angel- especially you-“ he cut himself off. He’d been more careful about the way he spoke of himself lately. Cas had told him he was worthy of love, and he wanted to believe it so bad, or at least be try being that person.
He looked up at Cas, nervous about his reaction now that his heart was laid out bare.
Cas smiled up at him, tears running down his face. He was pressing his lips together, holding it all in to let Dean speak.
“Well. If it makes you feel better I’m not an angel anymore.” Cas responded.
“Wait what?” Dean inquired, suddenly pulled out of his emotions.
“I uh. Jack asked me where I wanted to go from here and... well I haven’t felt like an angel for a long time Dean. It’s not who I am anymore. Before I got here I’d thought maybe I could stay in the bunker this time if you weren’t uncomfortable with it. But now I know that you- since you-“ He struggled to say it, but still there was a small smile threatening to break through.
“Basically I want to be human, in the bunker, with you.” He coughed and stumbled over that last sentence, as if he was saying something obscene. It was... cute.
That’s the first time Dean processed the moment. Alone. In the Impala. With Cas. Cas, who loved him back. There was so much to talk out between them still, healing to be done. But Dean’s mind was taking a detour... talking could wait.
“Hey Cas.” He said, holding in a smile.
“Yes Dean?”
“I love you.”
Silence. Then a smile that took Deans breath away.
“I love you too Dean.”
-
Sam sat in the bunker library, reading. He felt conflicted. Everyday him and Eileen grew closer, but it felt wrong to feel that way, when his brother was in so much pain. To be... in love; as he was beginning to realise; when his best friend was gone, the man his brother loved was gone. It felt selfish. He pondered while starring at the book in front of him, until the bunker entrance swung open, interrupting his thoughts.
Sam assumed it was Dean. He sat outside a lot these days. To clear his head.
He saw Dean walk in as expected, but then he saw the other man.
“Cas?!” Sam bolted up from his chair, dropping his book onto the table.
“Hello Sam” Cas replied with a wide smile.
“How are you- is that really?! I’m so happy to see you man!” He fumbled out the words over each other striding towards Cas with each, before slowly stopping.
He finally processed the appearance of the two men before him properly. Disheveled didn’t even begin to describe it.
“Um... what happened? Where you two fighting something?”
Dean grinned back and then attempted (and failed) to straighten his face. “Uh yeah sure Sammy...” The grin only widened.
Sam furrowed his brow before his face jumped into realisation. “Oh-OH!... I... Well- I’m never sitting in the back of the Impala again.”
“Oh calm down Sammy it’s not like it’s the first time baby’s facilitated uh- adult fun times?” Dean stated with raised brows.
“Adult fun t- how old are you Dean?” Sam rolled his eyes, walking up to Cas pulling him into a hug.
“I’m so glad you’re back man, even if you decided to have sex in the back of the Impala before even coming to say hi.” Sam nudged Cas’ elbow with his own.
“We did do a lot of things Sam but rest assured we are yet to have-“
“Woah there buddy I don’t think Sam needs to hear about that” Dean quickly blurted out, placing an arm over Castiel’s shoulders.
“I’m... gonna pretend I didn’t hear that. Glad you’re back Cas. I’m gonna go- now. Good night.” Sam responded, partly amused, part horrified.
As he walked away to text Eileen about the nights events (and send her the 50 bucks he now owed her), in the background he heard his brother laughing and mustering out between giggles.
“I love you Cas”.