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After Unus Annus ended, Mark was so excited to finally spent some time alone. The first few days he honestly didn’t work much and mostly slept. Ethan decided to take a road trip after their last day celebration and didn’t plan to get back till the new year. He wanted to spend the holidays with his family, as well as Mark with his. But now the first week of January has already passed and Mark still hadn’t heard from Ethan. And even though he hated to admit it, he kind of missed the younger man. In all the time of Unus Annus it had been a running joke that Mark and Ethan would never talk again after the channel ended, that Ethan was just too much to handle everyday. And even though Mark never meant these jokes, just now he realizes how much joy Ethan actually brought into his days. So a few days ago Mark finally texted Ethan, asking him if he wanted to hang out on the weekend, just watch a movie and order some food, maybe even play some video games, just for fun and not for a video for once. Ethan agreed, even though he seemed a little distant through the phone, but Mark chalked that up to just his anxiety reading too much into certain situations. And yet, over the next few days Mark watched every video Ethan uploaded and even watched some of his streams. He usually didn’t do this, it just feels so weird to see one of your best friends doing a stream, it almost felt like prying into Ethan’s privacy too much. But he hadn’t seen Ethan in almost two months now and he felt as if Ethan wasn’t doing too well, Mark just wanted to make sure that Ethan was fine. While watching his videos, Mark really tried to calm his nerves, told himself again and again that Ethan was fine. Even though the bags under his eyes seemed even darker than before. And he looked skinnier. And his skin got worse again. Mark couldn’t wait for Saturday to come.
Saturday finally came and Mark is still nervous for the evening. He feels so stupid, he spent an entire year making videos with Ethan, seeing him at least three times a week, why should anything have changed? Mark tries to keep busy during the day, working out in the morning, editing some videos in the afternoon. But he couldn’t really stay focused, so he finally decided to start getting ready, even though it was still way too early. Afterwards Mark just stood in his hallway for a while, not really knowing what to do now. He checked his watch once more and decided, that he would stop by a Walmart to get some snacks on his way and that it’d probably be fine if he was at Ethan’s place a few minutes early.
Mark pulled into Ethan’s driveway at a quarter to seven, so just 15 minutes early, so really it wasn’t that bad. Before getting the grocery bag out of his trunk, he texted Ethan that he was there now, just in case he was in the basement and didn’t hear his doorbell. Mark waited for the checkmarks to turn blue, telling him Ethan saw the message, but they refused to change color. So with a sigh Mark got out of the car and to Ethan’s front door, ringing the bell three quick times. Nothing happened. Mark listened intently, trying to hear any sounds from behind the door, but he couldn’t make out anything. Did Ethan forget they were meant to hang out today? Mark rings the doorbell again, while simultaneously calling Ethan. Ethan doesn’t pick up, even though Mark can faintly hear Ethan’s obnoxious ringtone. Mark starts to worry again. What if something happened to Ethan? What if he’s hurt? What if? Mark calls Ethan again, but he still doesn’t pick up. Mark tries to clear his thoughts, wondering if this situation would justify the use of the spare key Mark has to Ethan’s place. After ringing the doorbell a few more times, Mark decides that its fine. Maybe Ethan is hurt. Or he fell asleep. Or he just left his phone upstairs even though he is downstairs recording. Maybe…
Mark opens the door and makes his way to the small kitchen, to put away the snacks he got first. The kitchen looks messy, dishes that have been out for too long, crumbs everywhere, half empty glasses and bottles on the counter. This is weird, usually Ethan keeps his living space pretty clean. Mark takes a quick peak into the living room; it doesn’t look much better. Pillows and blankets are thrown everywhere, half empty take out boxes lying around, clothes strewn on the floor. Mark’s anxiety starts to come back full speed, this is not typical for Ethan at all.
So Mark calls Ethan’s name out, again and again, in the hopes of receiving an answer from somewhere. He opens every door he can find, just starting to make his way to the basement, when he thinks he heard a noise from upstairs. Mark turns around, calls Ethan’s name again and listens intently. Quiet. Mark makes his way to the stairs, assuming Ethan might be in his room, calling his name again. And this time he can hear a low groan coming from behind the bathroom door. Mark doesn’t hesitate, he climbs the stairs quickly and sweeps open the door. His brain doesn’t seem able to comprehend the scene behind the door. Ethan is sitting on the floor, no shirt on, head leaned back against the wall, blink, there is blood on his arm and chest, blood on the floor, on the wall, on the counter, blink, syringes, needles, a spoon, a lighter strewn around the floor, blink, Ethan’s chest is barely moving, his eyes are half closed and keep on rolling back, he is wearing Mark’s sweatpants, they’re way to big on Ethan’s small hips, sweat on his forehead, blink. Mark gets on his knees next to Ethan, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him a little.
“Hey, Eth, can you hear me? Look at me, please, hey, I’m here, talk to me!” Ethan mumbles something incoherently and tries to look at Mark, but his eyes just can’t focus and keep on glancing over. But at least he is reacting, Mark thinks. Mark feels Ethan’s pulse and even though it’s a little weak, it’s there and stable. He keeps on mumbling nonsense to Ethan, to calm him down or himself, he isn’t sure and springs into action. He is aware that he is having a panic attack somewhere in his brain, but it doesn’t matter right now, he needs to take care of Ethan first. Mark starts by capping the needles and putting them on the counter, throwing the spoon into the sink to clean of later, picking up bloody tissues and throwing them in the garbage. Once any hazards on the floor are taken care of, Mark wets a washcloth and carefully starts cleaning up Ethan’s arm and chest. While doing that, he tries to see how many injection marks there are on Ethan’s arm. A few newer ones, some that look a little older. This was not the first time this week, probably not the first time today. Mark winces a little but keeps on going, careful not to hurt Ethan. The other man seems to be coming back a little more, Mark can see Ethan trying to really focus on Mark’s face, he even starts to understand some of the things Ethan’s saying.
“Mark… wha' you do? Plea… Sorry.” His words are still slurred, but Mark is just glad that Ethan seems to come back a little.
“No worries, you don’t need to apologize, I’m here, I’ll take care of you, alright? You’re cleaner already, how about I take you to your room? Get you some clean clothes, hm? And maybe your bed is a little more comfortable than the floor?” Ethan closes his eyes again, but hums in, what Mark thinks, is supposed to be agreement. Mark throws the washcloth into the sink too; he is going to clean up the rest later. Then he kneels beside Ethan in order to pick him up bridal style. He puts one arm beneath Ethan’s knees and the other around his back, which prompts Ethan to weakly hold on to Mark’s shoulders. Mark gets up and thinks again just how small Ethan has gotten. He weighs almost nothing, and Mark’s heart breaks a little more.
Mark carries Ethan over to his room (weird, he thinks, I’ve never really been in here before) and carefully sets him down on his bed. Ethan tries to hold onto Mark’s shoulders, even when he’s already laying down. Mark takes Ethan’s hand off him while reassuring, that he is just going to grab some new clothes. Ethan tries to protest, but his eyes are already closing again. Mark goes over to Ethan’s closet and grabs a fresh pair of sweatpants, a clean hoodie and some warm socks. Ethan’s body had been cold and sweaty, Mark assumes he’s probably freezing. With two quick steps Mark is back at Ethan’s bed. Ethan’s breathing has gotten more stable and he seems to be almost asleep. Mark doesn’t want to wake him up, but there’s blood on the sweats and also Ethan started to shiver a little and Mark doesn’t want the man to get cold. He quickly gets to work, pulling the dirty sweatpants off Ethan’s hips (way too easy, he is so skinny, there’s almost nothing left of him) and putting the new ones on. Then he carefully pulls Ethan’s upper body up again, to put the hoodie on him. Ethan tries to help him a little and Mark thanks him, reassures him. Then he tucks the blanket around Ethan, making sure his whole body is covered, turns off the big lights and instead turns on the bedside table light. Ethan is taking deep breaths now, still shivering a little but not as much anymore. Mark keeps on watching for a few minutes, making sure that Ethan’s breathing won’t stop and then silently leaves the room to clean up the rest of the bathroom.
Mark leaves Ethan’s door open, so he can hear him if he needs anything and goes back to the bathroom. Once he is there he just sinks down along the wall and starts to quietly sob into his hand. What happened? When did he start using? Why? Could he have prevented this from happening? Why did he not notice? Why? Mark tries to take deep breaths, wanting to calm himself down. His feelings about this are not important right now. He just wishes Ethan would’ve talked to him about this earlier. Still trying to make as little noise as possible, Mark gets up and blows his nose. Focus. Just clean up the bathroom. There are still tears streaming down his face, but he gets to work. He scrubs the walls, floor and counter clean, then takes the spoon downstairs to put in the dishwasher. There’s almost nothing in there, so Mark collects the dirty plates and cups around the house, puts them in the dishwasher, turns it on. Then he takes a large garbage bag and starts to throw away the takeout boxes, the leftover food around the kitchen, the empty beer and soda cans. Once the bag is full, he closes it and puts it next to the door, making a mental note to throw it out later. Then he gets a laundry basket and starts to pick up all the clothes off the floor, going back to Ethan’s room again to grab the bloody sweatpants. Ethan seems to be fast asleep, his breathing sounds completely normal and the shivering seems to have stopped. Looking at his small frame underneath the thick blanket, Mark’s heart hurts.
He hates that Ethan hurts.
Mark puts the clothes in the washing machine and starts a cycle, hopefully the blood will wash out. Then he takes a last tour through Ethan’s apartment, folding the blankets on the couch, putting the pillows back where they belong. It looks better now. He wants Ethan to be comfortable. After he’s done cleaning up, he starts to go up the stairs again, it feels like climbing Mount Everest. He leans against the door frame to Ethan’s room, feeling a little bit lost. What is he supposed to do now? He takes a quick glace on his watch, it’s 9pm already. Just two hours and his whole life has been turned upside down. Mark would love to climb into bed next to Ethan, feeling his breath, knowing he’s fine. But he doesn’t want to creep Ethan out, when he wakes up. So after some debating he sits down, back leaned against Ethan’s bed, head on the mattress next to Ethan. He closes his eyes and just listens to Ethan being alive, letting his mind wander.
He thinks back to all the things they’ve done over the past year, all the whacky, fun and new adventures they’ve tackled together. Of course they were close before, Ethan has been a big part of Mark’s life for the past few years now, but the last year brought their friendship up to a whole new level. Mark has never felt more comfortable sharing such personal experiences with anyone else. He starts silently crying again, just now realizing how important Ethan is to him. Mark thinks back to all the times he insulted Ethan and even if its was just for jokes, he now regrets it. He didn’t tell Ethan often enough what a good, kind, smart and funny man he really is. God, he should have said something. He should have done something. And Mark thinks back to all the times he was so close to Ethan. The countless times Ethan came over while Mark was editing, bringing him food, giving him a shoulder rub, or just silently keeping him company. Ethan has always been more of a touchy guy and as much as Mark pretended to hate that, he actually really liked the small touches here and there. Ethan would often put his arms around Mark’s shoulders, take his hand for a second, hug him goodbye. Mark hates to admit it, but right now, right here, sitting next to Ethan in his dark room, he realises how comforting this side of Ethan is. And how much he wishes he would’ve enjoyed these moments more.
And then his mind wanders to the few moments where they almost kissed. It was always Mark pulling back, not ready to discover that side of him yet, having repressed these feelings for such a huge part of his life. They never talked about these instances, too afraid that they would irreparably damage their friendship. This got harder the more time they spent together, Mark often found himself staring at the younger man, completely lost in thoughts he didn’t want. Only late at night, alone in his bed, he allowed himself to explore these feelings. And now it all comes crashing down on him, every moment of shared laughter, every long night spent editing together, every shared meal. Tired Ethan in the mornings, sipping his coffee in silence. Him overly excited for every new thing they tried, eyes beaming, jumping up and down, too energetic to stand still. Ethan with glasses on and messy hair, so focused on editing that he forgets everything around him. Ethan driving, tapping on the steering wheel, humming a melody, all confidence and smiles. Him full body laughing over his own jokes, unable to stop, giggling until he can’t breathe. Ethan being shy, playing down his abilities, stumbling over his words, looking up at Mark with a silent apology in his eyes, calming down as soon as Mark reassures him, he’s fine.
Mark must have fallen asleep over these memories, waking up a while later from his back hurting. He feels like shit, his neck stiff, face still puffy from crying so much, head hurts from the dehydration. It’s still dark outside and a look on his watch tells him it’s 1.26 am. The next thing that registers for him is the feeling of a hand on his neck, a thumb slowly rubbing circles. He leans into the touch for a second, before turning his head to face Ethan. His eyes are closed, but Mark can tell that he’s awake. Mark wants this moment to continue forever, not ready to face the reality and the upcoming conversation yet. And then Ethan opens his eyes, the light on the bedside table softly illuminating his features. Mark looks into his eyes and he can see the hurt and the shame and an apology in them. He hopes that Ethan can see only love and care in his own.
Mark carefully places his hand on Ethan’s cheek, moving his thumb slowly up and down. Ethan takes in a deep, shaky breath and closes his eyes again, tears starting to fall. Seeing him like this, feeling his fingers shaking on his neck, makes Mark’s heart break again. Mark takes a deep breath and clears his throat.
“How are you feeling?” His voice cracks a little, his throat still sore from all the crying. Ethan opens his mouth, only a sob coming out. He takes a few shaky breaths before he tries again. “Listen, Mark, I’m so sorry. I- I didn’t ever want you t-to see me like this. I don’t- I- I just-.” His voice breaks away again, not able to keep the crying in. Mark wipes away the tears with his thumb, quietly reassuring Ethan that he’s okay. A little while later Mark raises his voice again.
“Okay, how about this. I am going to go downstairs and make a cup of tea or something for us. And when you’re ready you can come down, okay? No pressure to talk about anything tonight. Maybe you want to take a shower before you come down? How’s that sound?” Ethan nods lightly.
“A shower’d probably be nice. Th-thank you Mark.”
“It’s alright. If you need anything you just call me up okay? Take it slow. I’ll be waiting downstairs.” Mark slowly gets up, his knees hurting from sitting in such an uncomfortable position for so long. He takes a last look at Ethan, just checking to make sure he’ll be fine, before he leaves the room and goes downstairs.
Mark looks around the kitchen to see if Ethan has any food at home that he could prepare. His fridge and cabinets are pretty empty, aside from a few boxes of Mac’n’Cheese. Mark decides to prepare one box, Mac’n’Cheese has always been Ethan’s comfort food and he hopes Ethan will eat at least a little bit. He can hear Ethan moving around upstairs, hears the shower running. While the food is heating up on the stove, Mark is also looking around for tea, but can’t find any, so he decides to make them both a cup of coffee. He sure needs it after these past hours.
About 15 minutes later Mark hears Ethan coming down the stairs, slowing down the further down he comes. Mark is sitting on the couch, two bowls of pasta and two cups of coffee on the table before him, looking at his phone. And even though he can hear Ethan coming, he keeps on pretending to be answering some messages, wanting to give Ethan the chance to sit down on his own terms. Only once he knows that Ethan sat down comfortably, he puts his phone down and looks up at the other man. Ethan’s hair is wet and messy, the bags under his eyes even darker than before. He looks like the weight of the world is resting on his shoulders. He is wearing a big hoodie that actually belongs to Mark, it’s too big on Ethan’s small frame. He has his knees pulled up to his chest, holding on to himself, avoiding eye contact with Mark.
Mark breaks the silence first. “You feeling a little better now? I made some food; thought you might be hungry. And some coffee, thought you might like some?”
He can feel that he’s starting to ramble, cutting himself off before it gets too much. Ethan shoots him a tired smile. “Thanks Mark”, he takes the cup of coffee in both hands, warming his hands on it. “Not just for the food and the coffee, but like, for everything. Y’know. Just, thank you.” Ethan’s eyes wander around the room, just now realising that Mark had cleaned up the living space at some point.
“No worries Eth. I’m just glad you’re okay. Listen, of course I have lots of question and stuff, but please, if you don’t feel like talking about this tonight, that’s fair. I get it. I just want you to be comfortable, okay?” Ethan nods and takes a sip of coffee before he clears his throat.
“Mark I- I want, no, I think I need to talk about this. I owe you an explanation, yes, I know you don’t see it like that, but still. It’s- I haven’t talked to anyone about this yet, I need to get this off my chest at some point anyways, just, I don’t know. I’m rambling, sorry.” He takes a deep breath, followed by another sip of coffee. Mark repositions himself so that he is more comfortable while being able to look at Ethan’s face better. Ethan takes a few bites of the Mac’n’Cheese, struggling a little to swallow it and then goes back to the coffee.
“You know”, Ethan starts talking, voice still low but more confident than before, “I think I told you about this before, but like, when I was younger and was still doing the whole, two videos a day plus working 40 hours in the restaurant thing, I sometimes used to do coke, just to help me focus a little bit more. I couldn’t take my actual ADHD medication, so I started doing coke whenever I needed some more brain strength. And it worked, I never went too far, always just enough to get on with work. When I was finally able to do YouTube full time, without having to worry about a second job, I stopped doing it and that was never an issue. There were some weeks where I thought about starting again, you know, stressful weeks, times where I didn’t take my meds, but I never did and I still got everything done just as I needed.” Ethan takes a deep breath and another sip of his coffee. So far none of this came as a surprise to Mark, they did talk about this before and Mark knew that Ethan has experience with different kinds of drugs. He still listens intently, trying to figure out when his mental health took a dive deep enough to get him to this point. Mark can see in Ethan’s face that the next part of this story will be harder to listen to. Ethan lets his head fall back and looks at the ceiling, not able to face Mark while continuing. “As much as I loved doing Unus Annus with you, it was also really stressful. Keeping on a schedule like that, not being able to fuck up even once, having such a huge audience comment on every little mistake I make… Having so many people repeat every little joke we did about me, again and again… It just started to wear away on my confidence. And it’s not your fault, I know that the things you say to me are always jokes, I just don’t know that about strangers on the internet, you know? And like, after quarantine I already was so unhappy with my body, how I look, how stupid I am, I just. I don’t know man.” Ethan takes a shaky breath in and wipes across his eyes with his sleeves. It’s hard for Mark to not interrupt Ethan, apologizing to him for every stupid joke he made, telling him how much he actually matters to Mark. But he doesn’t want to interrupt his story, afraid that Ethan won’t tell him the rest if he does. So for now Mark keeps quiet, biting his knuckles to stop himself from talking. “The last few weeks of Unus Annus got harder and harder, the people watching were expecting so much, and it was also such an emotional time for us, like, thinking about the end of this adventure made me so sad, it didn’t really click for me that we would stop spending so much time together and everything, just… Once we were done and we both said that we needed a break, everything kind of came crushing down.” Ethan is full on crying now and it gets harder and harder for Mark to just sit back and listen. “When I left here for the road trip, I thought I just needed some time for myself, some time to recalibrate, to get back into a better mindset. What happened instead is that I hated myself more than ever. I couldn’t stop the thoughts from running around in my mind, I just couldn’t let it go. So one evening, I don’t even know what city I was in, I got some coke again, hoping it would help me, just like it did back when I was younger. I just wanted some fucking peace man, just some time to sort my thoughts out… It didn’t fucking work, it just made me fixate on the bad thoughts more and more, I couldn’t get myself to stop, even with the help of the one thing that always did it for me, I…” Ethan’s crying got more intense, his voice got louder and sobs started to interrupt his sentences. Mark could barely stand to listen to him anymore, hearing the self hatred in Ethan’s sentences breaks his heart and the tears started rolling down his face again. Mark inches closer to Ethan, putting a hand on Ethan’s shaking leg, rubbing small circles with his thumb, just to maybe ground him a little bit. When he starts speaking again, his voice is colder and more controlled, and it scares Mark a little bit. “Two days later, again, I don’t really remember where I was, I went out and bought some Heroine. Easier to get than you’d think”, he laughs without any joy in his voice. “First time I used it I just smoked it, and honestly, I was a little disappointed. Everyone always warns you about this scary, scary thing, but it didn’t really feel like such a big deal. It just made me be okay, you know, for a little while. I got a good sleep that night. I didn’t cry that day, first time for a few weeks. Next day I still had a little left over and again, it was okay. Was a pretty good feeling, like, no thoughts really, you know? Some quiet. That was pretty nice. Few days later I got more. Didn’t feel like such a big deal, you know, it really just felt nice. After a few weeks or something, I really don’t know, time kind of didn’t make sense anymore, I used it pretty regularly, just like, some in the mornings, to have a good day, some in the evenings to get some sleep. And then I looked up how to, you know, inject it and I did that, and it was so good. There were no thoughts left over. Kind of felt like clouds in my head, but the good ones.” Mark is full on crying now, not able to keep it in any longer. He can’t, doesn’t want to imagine Ethan alone in some random city, so angry at himself that he doesn’t want to think anymore. He can’t imagine how lonely he must’ve been, how scared. Ethan started to lightly play with Mark’s hair at some point, trying to calm both of them down a little. He starts speaking once more. “I swear, since I’m back here I wanted to text you and tell you about this. I wanted to see you. But I was super scared that you’d hate me or… I don’t know. I was just scared, Mark. And when you asked to hang out, I was excited and I thought that we could just have a fun time, just as always. But then yesterday I got so scared again, I didn’t want to disappoint you and like, I haven’t been using as much since I’m back, but yesterday I thought just a little bit, just so my stupid brain won’t ruin our night, just so I don’t think too much and it… Apparently it was a little much. I am so sorry that you had to see me like that. I never really wanted you to know how bad I was doing, not like that, Mark, I’m really, really sorry.”
Ethan lets out a huge sigh, still facing the ceiling, eyes closed. Mark can’t hold on any longer, closes the space between them and pulls Ethan into a hug. At first Ethan tenses up a little, but just a few seconds later Mark can feel his body relax and sink deeper into him. Mark is still crying and through his sobs he starts talking.
“I am so sorry Ethan; I shouldn’t have let you get to this point. You are my best friend, and I didn’t realize how much this affected you, fuck, I’m so, so incredibly sorry. I should have been there for you more. I-.”
Mark can feel Ethan sobbing on his shoulder, his body shaking again, holding on tighter to Mark’s body. They sit like this for a while, just holding onto each other, afraid to let go. There’s chaos in Mark’s head, too many thoughts that he can’t compartmentalize just yet. But he can feel that tonight his and Ethan’s relationship changed. As scared as he was before, tonight made him realize that he loves Ethan, plain and simple as that. And that he never wants to see Ethan in this state ever again.
Sometime later, none of them could say how long, they slowly let go of each other. Their crying has gone down from loudly sobbing to just a few tears here and there. Ethan looks more tired than Mark has ever seen him before, the shadows under his eyes a dark purple. Mark takes Ethan’s hand in his and intertwines their fingers, softly putting his other hand on Ethan’s cheek, prompting him to look at him. Ethan’s eyes are searching around Mark’s face, for what Mark couldn’t say, but he tries to look as open and honest as he can. Ethan seems to have found what he was looking for, his face softening a little, pressing his face into Mark’s hand a little more. Before Mark can overthink this too much, he lets his gaze fall onto Ethan’s lips, quietly asking for consent. Ethan’s breath hitches in his chest and he gives a barely visible nod. Mark leans in, his mind going blank, the only thing he can feel is Ethan. And then their lips meet, and Mark thinks he might have a heart attack, Ethan’s lips are a little chapped and perfect, he smells like home and Mark never wants to let go. They start moving their lips together and Ethan lets out a small moan, unlocking their fingers and grabbing at Mark’s neck instead, running his fingers through his hair. Now it’s Marks turn to slip out a moan and even though he doesn’t want to, he starts to pull back. If he doesn’t stop now, he’ll get too lost in this moment and he doesn’t want to become too much for Ethan tonight.
“Mark, fuck, wha-.“
“Eth, I love you.”
They both start talking at the same time. As soon as Ethan registers what Mark just said his eyes go wide and his mouth opens in a silent question. “I am in love with you, Ethan, and I probably have been for a long time. I was so scared to admit it, even to myself, but this happening tonight? It made me realize that nothing is scarier than even just the slightest possibility of losing you.” For the first time tonight, an actual smile appears on Ethan’s face. “I love you too, Mark.”