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English
Series:
Part 3 of the language of our souls
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Published:
2020-11-21
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1,746
Chapters:
1/1
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59
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297
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the unwanting soul sees what's hidden, and the ever-wanting soul sees only what it wants

Summary:

Logan knows he doesn't have a soulmate. After all, how would a child born without sight ever be able to read his soulmate's mark?

But a charming stranger at the library makes him realise that maybe he doesn't want to be alone...

Notes:

AU summary: in this world everyone has a special quote that they and their soulmate(s) share but plot twist, no-one can read the quote until it is seen by your soulmate(s), everyone else sees blurred out letters, including you. so you don't know what your quote is going to be until you find your soulmate and see it written on them (whereupon it becomes legible to everyone).

Work Text:

  • logan did not have a soulmate. from birth, there had been no sign of a soul mark anywhere on his body. this was, as his parents pointed out to him as a child, entirely logical.
    after all, how would a child born without sight ever be able to read his soulmate's mark?
  • as he grew, logan quickly realised that for him, a soulmate would have been unnecessary – a hindrance, even. he had always been fiercely independent, and saw no reason why he should need some fated companion tethering him to them. he found companionship enough in the words of a thousand authors, the braille beneath his fingertips revealing infinite new worlds. one was never lonely with a book.
  • ... or so claimed the posters that logan had ordered for the city library, one of which now hung proudly behind his desk.
  • "that book is currently available in the ecology section. second floor, on the right, behind biochemistry," logan reported to the student in front of him, repeating the information that the screen reader spoke into his earpiece. "next?"
  • "hello." the voice was unfamiliar – and logan was certain he would recall having heard it before. low pitched and smooth, but lilting as though sharing a private joke with the listener. "i was told that this library runs braille classes?"
    "yes, on tuesday evenings. attendance at the classes is free, but you do need to put your name down. would you like to sign up?"
    "yes please."
  • logan selects the correct clipboard from the rack in front of him – third from the left – and passes it over.
    "thank you so much... logan." logan appreciates the pause to read his name tag.
    "it's my pleasure. is there anything else i can do for you today?"
  • there's a pause – so long that logan almost thinks the stranger has walked away, but then he hears a breath.
  • "well," the stranger says. "i've just given you my number... i don't suppose you'd return the favour?"
    logan finds himself smiling. he wouldn't normally agree, but he finds himself charmed by this stranger with their cautious flattery.
    "no," he answers. "but... i am available on saturday. if you were to be in the café on the top floor at around 2 o'clock, you would be highly likely to encounter me."
    "i will look forward to it."
  • logan swallows. there is one thing he should say. before he gets his hopes up.
    "you should know that i do not have a soul mark."
    a moment of silence.
  • "that isn't an issue for me."
    logan lets out a slow breath of relief. "then i shall see you saturday, mx. ...?"
    "janus. he/they," they introduce themselves. "until saturday."
    he reaches out, lifting logan's hand from the desk with one gloved hand – only for logan to feel the soft brush of lips against his knuckles. then his hand is released, and janus is gone, leaving logan's heart pounding.
  • logan finds himself looking forward to saturday far more than he would have anticipated. he normally attempts to maintain reasonable expectations about any and all social encounters but –
  • well –
  • this is different, somehow. although he cannot logically express why.
  • he arrives at the café around 1:30, well before the suggested time. however, the frustration of waiting is fortunately short, as he hears janus's silky voice only ten minutes later.
    "is this seat taken?"
    "it is reserved for someone i'm meeting." logan raises an eyebrow. "please, sit."
  • "i almost didn't recognise you," janus says. "but the glasses gave it away."
    logan starts. he had forgotten for a moment that his normal casual attire – faux leather jacket, nose stud, combat boots – was not exactly similar to his work shirts and slacks.
  • "so. you're a punk?"
    "i have serious grievances with the way society is run, and i choose to express this via signifiers in my personal appearance."
    "oh, believe me, i'm not complaining. besides, i'm far from conformist myself."
    they chuckle, in a way that makes logan long to know what outfit they are wearing.
  • "how do you mean?" he leans forward, interested.
    "have you ever studied nihilist philosophy?" janus replies.
    logan's heart skips a beat.
    "yes, although i have some reservations about the conclusions it draws –"
  • they wind up talking until almost 5 o'clock. logan has never felt more invigorated.
    is it possible, he wonders somewhat dizzily, for a person to be your new favourite book?
  • they continue talking online the next day, and the next. janus has opinions on everything – many of them wrong – but all of them fascinating. logan has never before met someone who made him understand why some people swear to spend their whole lives with another but...
  • and then the braille class comes.
  • logan makes a point of arriving to the tuesday evening class with his white cane, despite rarely using it within the library at any other time. he has found that giving a visible signifier of his blindness is the quickest way to prevent inane questioning about his condition from any sighted students.
    the class goes well. he is far too professional to let his connection with janus affect his teaching – although, as a free community education class, there would little benefit to gain from him playing favourites.
  • afterwards, janus offers to walk him home. as they leave, he is strangely quiet.
    "you're blind," they say eventually.
    "yes, i know." logan replies, a little arch – teasing, even.
  • "... i didn't know," janus says.
  • oh.
  • "is that a problem for you?" logan snaps – too quickly, he knows, but in his head thirty years of past rejections are already ringing out in harmony –
  • "it's... what? no, logan, not like that. only..." janus swallows, and his next words sound almost choked off. "you don't know what i look like."
    "i know the appearance of very few people. i can assure you, that does not diminish my interest in you."
  • janus makes a slight humming sound. takes a deep breath, then another.
    "i can't remember the last time i had to explain this," they huff. "i... perhaps i should just let you touch my face, that would be easier –"
    shocked by the pain in his tone, logan moves his hand back, sharply.
    "i will not do that unless you are fully comfortable with it."
    "... yes. you're right." another breath. "... can i tell you some lies?"
    logan nods.
  • "i was born without any prominent birthmarks. the left side of my face looks... completely normal. the skin there is of a typical colour and texture, leading to perfect vision in my left eye. and i was... completely aware that you knew all of this when we met."
  • the way his voice sounds makes logan's chest hurt.
    "lies are not my speciality," he says. "but i can offer you a truth: none of this affects how i feel about you."
    janus squeezes his hand, tight.
    "thank you," they say. "but..."
  • "you do not need to say anything more tonight," logan tells him.
    janus squeezes his hand again, longer this time.
    "thank you."
  • it is... more difficult than logan had anticipated, not hearing from janus over the next few days. they had made a bigger impact on his life than he cared to admit, especially now that he might not –
    well.
  • logan continues about his routine as normal, trying not to let his discomfit show. and that includes visiting the library café on saturday afternoon, to work on his laptop. and that is where he is when a soft, familiar voice asks: "is this seat taken?"
  • logan goes very still.
    "you may sit."
    janus does so.
    "i should have contacted you sooner. i meant to call, only – well, i've never been the best at apologising."
    "apologising?"
    "i shouldn't have reacted the way i did."
  • the thought hadn't even occurred to logan.
  • "it's fine."
    "no, it's not. i was horrifically rude. but if you'll allow me a moment to explain..."
    a long pause.
  • "i've never been told before. that someone would have to be blind, in order to date me. that the reason why i didn't have a soulmate –"
  • logan puts his teacup down sharply – fearful that if he doesn't, he might shatter it in the sudden flash of rage that burns through him.
  • "oh." janus says softly. "...you have a protective streak, don't you?"
    "for some people." logan says. "and… well, i've met more than enough ignorant people in my time."
    "it's alright, really. but i shouldn't have let old hurts get in the way of what was right in front of me."
    logan's face suddenly feels warm in a way that has nothing to do with anger.
  • "and so, if it isn't asking too much..." janus asks, sounding more hesitant than logan has ever heard them. "would you give me permission to court you, logan?"
    "yes," logan says, before the question was even complete. "yes, of course."
  • ...
  • it is several months later, a quiet evening in listening to classical music and discussing poetry, that it happens.
  • "logan," janus says. "you should touch me."
    "yes?" logan offers a hand, confused – only to pull back, when janus moves his touch to the left side of his face.
  • "are you sure?"
    "as certain as i ever will be."
    "you don't ever have to –"
  • "i know. but i don't want to feel like i'm hiding the truth from you. and... i don't think you will turn away from me."
    logan's breath catches in his throat at the open vulnerability in their voice.
  • slowly, giving him plenty of time to pull away, logan reaches out and runs his fingers across janus's cheek. it's rough, dotted with bumps –
  • familiar bumps.
  • logan starts to laugh with happiness, soft and awed.
  • "what – what's –"
    "it's braille," logan breathes. "your mark – it's a soulmark, written in braille."
    "you can read it?"
    "yes, yes, give me a moment."
  • it takes a few seconds to find where the quote began – up above janus's brow, curving around his eye and down to the corner of their mouth.
  • "knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom," he reads out.
    "lao zi," janus identifies, sounding faintly stunned. "logan, i –"
    "are you –"
  • but before logan can finish his question, janus cups his head in their hands and kisses him, holding onto him tight.
  • "oh," janus murmurs against logan's lips. then – "oh! here, in your hair, i can feel it – 'knowing... yourself...' – it's the same, it's the same –"
  • "of course it is," logan whispers back to him.
    "any fool could tell you we were made for each other."

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