Chapter Text
He’d only been making his way to the bunker’s kitchen for a late night glass of water. How was he supposed to know Cas and Jack would already be in there chatting amongst themselves? He couldn’t not eavesdrop now. So he stood there, in the hallway, a slight distance from the kitchen... listening. He wouldn’t have done this usually, but the word “deal” had pricked his ears and sent a feeling of dread throughout his body.
“Cas. I know you said Sam and Dean don’t need to know about it. But- but what if the Empty does come for you? What will I tell them? What will I do without you?” Jack questioned, his voice soft, confused.
The Empty? Why were they talking about the Empty? What did this have to do with a deal? Dean’s mind paced, tracing back through all the interactions he knew of that Cas had with the Empty. Nothing in particular came to mind that would relate to a deal. Still, anxiety coursed through his body. This couldn’t be anything good.
His train of thought was interrupted by Castiel’s response.
“Jack, I understand why you’re worried, I do. But- I told you, I’m not going to be happy anytime soon. It’s just- It’s not going to happen for me. You have enough on your mind, you don’t have to worry about me. You already carry too much weight on your shoulders.” He responded, despite the gravelly nature of his voice it was comforting. Dean had always thought it sounded like home.
He cut that thought off. He always cut thoughts like that off. They didn’t feel, safe. It felt like prodding something dangerous.
He tried to follow along with Jack and Castiel’s conversation, but it only seemed to get more confusing. What did the Empty have to do with Cas’ happiness? Why wasn’t Cas happy? Their lives weren’t perfect, but having Cas around definitely made him happier. He had thought maybe Cas felt similarly. God- he sounded like a school girl with a crush.
No. Never mind. That was, again, one of those dangerous thoughts.
“What would it take? For you. To be happy?” he heard Jack ask carefully.
While Dean still didn’t fully understand what this conversation was about, this intrigued him. He held his breath in anticipation of the answer. For what reason this made him so nervous, he didn’t comprehend.
“I. Um. It’s.” Cas fumbled over his words. Suddenly uncomfortable? No. Not uncomfortable. Scared?
They remained silent. Dean heard his own heart thumping.
“It’s nothing Jack. It’s... it’s not something that I could ever have.” Cas responded, attempting to sound casual. It only came out pained.
“Please?” Jack pleaded. Dean pleaded silently alongside him. He needed to know. For some reason this now seemed like the most important thing in the world. The world which, might be ending soon. Even so, the idea of something out there that Cas wanted and thought he couldn’t have. It hurt. Cas deserved to be happy, why couldn’t he be happy? Why shouldn’t he have whatever it was?
Cas sighed. Not harshly. But with a deep sadness Dean could detect even without seeing his face. He could imagine his furrowed brows, his soft oceanic eyes, his pink lips parted-. Dean sighed. Those thoughts again.
“Dean.” said a soft but deep, barely there voice.
He froze in place. Shit. Had they caught him? He began to step forward and guiltily make his way forth before he heard Jack speak.
“You love him... you’re in love with him. Like in the movies?” He suggested, with the knowing wisdom of a child, stating the simply obvious.
Dean froze again. Unable to process what Jack had said. His head was empty. In that moment he could think nothing, he felt suspended.
“Yes.” Cas responded. A tone of surprise in his voice. “How did you-“
“And you don’t think he loves you back?” Jack questioned, sounding genuinely perplexed.
“I- uh” Cas composed his confused self, and sighed. “I know he doesn’t Jack. And that’s okay. I’m glad to even be a part of his life. But, he sees me as a brother, he’s told me many times.” Cas replied tenderly. But he could hear the ache underlying it all.
Dean’s heart continued to race. Maybe this was some sort of weirdly real seeming dream. He pinched his arm.
Nope, not a dream.
“I don’t know what it’s like to be in love. But if you love Dean...” Jack seemed to be concentrating hard as he spoke; Dean could hear it in his voice; like he was solving a complex equation.
“Well I’ve seen how you act around him. And he acts the same around you? You’re always staring at each other. And you’re sad when he’s not around, and- he’s sad when you’re not around. So he must be in love with you too!” Jack excitedly proclaimed. “Oh wait, no that’s bad isn’t it? Because of the Empty deal?”
“I- um no uh.” Cas seemed confused about how to handle this conversation. Despite everything Dean suppressed a chuckle.
“Jack, I assure you Dean does not feel the same way. The love you see from him, it’s- it’s familial. And that’s why we don’t need to worry about the deal. I do thank you for trying to make me feel better through.” Cas managed to respond.
Dean stood there. Cas. Cas loved him. Cas had made some sort of deal with the Empty linked to his happiness. And Cas loved him. The thought surged a wave of joy throughout him, for reasons he continued to pretend not to understand. The joy did not last.
His stomach suddenly churned. Something bad would happen to Cas if he was happy- if Dean-. Dean blew air though his nose, a silent but dark chuckle. Those thoughts had been dangerous after all.