Chapter Text
Dean was angry with himself. Angry with himself for ever allowing them to fall into another trap. They were so close – so close – and Dean just had to make a thoughtless, reckless, stupid decision. Cas had managed to stall the inevitable, but that door wasn't going to hold forever. Like everything else in his life, every time he came palpably close to victory, something would go wrong and derail everything. This time wasn’t going to be any different.
"Cas," Dean said. "Wh- when she comes through that door…" He physically wasn't able to finish the sentence. What was he supposed to say?
Dean flinched as another bang from the door accompanied the thuds of his rapidly pulsating heart. There was nothing left to say. Nothing he could say would change the fact that in a matter of minutes, his life would be over. “Cas. Go. You need to warn Sam and Jack. I can stall Billie. I can buy you enough of time–”
“Dean, don’t be ridiculous.”
“Cas, we can’t both die.”
“I won’t leave you here, Dean,” Cas said, breathing heavily as he looked around the room for a solution that didn’t exist. “I can’t leave you here.”
“If you zap us both, Billie will follow. You know that.” With panicked movements, Dean had already begun patting his pockets for his phone. He found it in the left one. Fingers shaking so much he could barely unlock the phone, Dean somehow still managed to hit the speed dial. “What’s more important – me or defeating God? Cas, go . Now .”
“No.”
Ring…
“There has to be another way,” Cas muttered. “There has to be another way.”
“You’re the stupidest son of a bitch in the universe, Cas,” Dean almost yelled. “We have to defeat God. That’s our only goal.”
Ring…
Sam, come on, pick up, Dean begged in his mind. I just need one person to do what I tell them to.
Ring…
“You listen to me, Cas. When Death busts through that door you run , okay? It’s non-negotiable.”
“I’m working on a plan,” Cas simply answered.
“What plan?” Dean asked as he glanced at Cas scanning the bookshelves.
“I– I don’t know.”
Dean rolled his eyes. Come on come on come on, Sam, please pick up. Just this one time please pick up. He balled the hand that wasn’t holding the phone into a tight fist. Please pick up. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Cas turn around at a particularly loud bang from the door. Dean felt his calm slip away little by little and forced himself to take a deep breath. Calm down.
Ring…
Sam, what’s taking you so–
“Hey, Dean. You got her?”
“Sammy, listen. It’s not Death. It’s God.”
“What? God?” Dean could hear the confusion in Sam's voice.
“Yes. God is killing everyone off. Look, Sam, I don’t have much ti–”
Bang
“Dean, what was that?”
“That was Billie. She’s dying. Look, Sammy, in case I don’t get to see you again I just want you to know that…” Dean trailed off as Cas walked up to him.
“Hello, Sam,” Cas said as he leaned in and spoke into the phone. “This is Cas. Don’t mind what Dean said. He will see you shortly.”
“Hey–” Dean protested when Cas determinedly yanked the phone from his hand and hung up. “Wh– Cas what was that for? I need Sam to know that in–”
“No you don’t,” Cas interrupted, intense eyes filled with resolve. “I think I– There might be another way.”
“Another way?"
"Yes."
"Okay, I'm listening," Dean said with caution, not knowing what to expect. As far as he knew, nothing in this room could be of use when Death was on the doorstep.
"I have a feeling you won't like it… for either one of two reasons, but…" Cas turned around and walked a couple of steps away from Dean, gaze turning up towards the ceiling as if he could see past the layers of construction and into the freedom beyond. “When Jack was dying, I… I made a deal with the Empty to save him.”
“You what?” Dean exclaimed, for he knew how deals always ended. Badly.
"I made a deal. The… the price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever."
“What the hell, dude? How long have you been keeping this from me?” Dean felt shock, anger, and confusion all morphing together. His mind was battling between anger, with Cas having lied to him, and confusion, because he couldn't possibly figure out where Cas was going with this. “Wh– why are you telling me this now?”
“I always wondered…” Cas said as he turned around, pointedly ignoring Dean’s question. “Ever since I took that burden – that curse – I wondered what it could be, what– what my true happiness could even look like.” He let out a shaky breath. “I never found an answer, because the one thing I want…” He took a step towards Dean, tears filling his eyes as he broke a smile. “The one thing I want is something I know I can't have. But I think I know now… Happiness isn't in the having – it's in just being. It's in just saying it.”
“Saying what? What are you talking about, man?” Dean was if possible even more confused.
A noise made the hairs on the back of Dean’s neck stand up. He knew that sound too well. However, as he turned around, Dean couldn’t help but flinch as he saw the Empty seep out from between the bricks of the wall behind him. “Cas,” he said in a warning tone. “What the hell? I don’t know what you’re doing, but I order you to stop it, Cas.”
“No, Dean. This is the only way, and you know it.” Cas slowly exhaled and prepared himself for the big finale. “I know… I know how you see yourself, Dean. You think hate and anger, that's… That's what drives you. But it's not, and everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done – the good and the bad – you have done for love, because that’s who you are.”
“Cas, Death is by the door. This isn’t the best time to get philosophical and chill with the Empty.” Dean went for a cheery tone, but all he could feel was panic as tears creeped into his own eyes. His senses told him that the Empty was advancing behind him. But somehow, that wasn’t as important as what was going on before him.
Bang
Cas shaked his head with a sorrowful smile. He reached up a hand, gently placing it on Dean’s cheek. His tear-brimmed eyes glistened from the light as stars would do in the sky. “Ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.”
“Cas, why… are you making a goodbye speech?” Dean asked, voice breaking.
Bang
“Because this is where we end.” As Cas closed his eyes, the pent-up tears flowed down his cheeks. He opened his eyes and smiled. “I love you, Dean.”
“Cas, what are you doing?” Dean whispered all the while never breaking eye contact. What the hell was the dude doing? Dean could hear the words, he could intellectually understand the words, but he couldn’t grasp what Cas was saying. I love you ? What did he mean by ‘I love you'? Of course they loved each other. They were friends, they were brothers – they were family. How could this possibly help them get out of here? Dean waited for an answer.
But Cas didn’t explain.
"Okay, you said there were two reasons I might not like this," Dean said, changing tactics. He closed his eyes briefly and chose not to acknowledge the wetness travelling down his own face. "You'll die, but so will I. So what's the second reason?"
Again, Cas didn't answer. But his gaze became if possible even more intense, trying to convey all those things that words couldn't describe – his smile so sincere, his hand radiating heat, his presence slowing time and space. Dean's chest tightened.
Then suddenly everything made sense. The revelation hit Dean with an impact almost physically able to knock him to the ground. He understood.
But was it possible? An aftershock of doubt washed over him. Was it possible for an Angel of the Lord to feel what humans felt? To feel so acutely, so strongly, so richly? Did Dean all these years complicate something that was in its true form so beautiful yet so simple? Had it in fact been within Dean's reach all along, but never been grasped? Could they really have been–
Bang
Death was behind that door, the Empty was behind his back, and Cas was making the mother of all love confessions mere inches before him. Dean’s mind was now aware of it all, yet he couldn’t process any of it. Everything else stopped matter. All sounds faded away. His surroundings disappeared as all Dean could focus on was Cas’ ocean blue eyes intensely staring him down. He furiously wiped away his own tears with the back of his hand, because he didn’t want to miss a moment of those eyes.
People always say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and for a short, ridiculous moment Dean wondered whether his soul matched the colour of Cas’ eyes. Those eyes were mesmerizing, warm and welcoming as a summer day, vast and beautiful like the universe, and within them was Cas’ entire being – everything he felt, everything he stood for, everything that made him Cas.
Cas smiled fondly, lips shaking as tears rolled down his face. “Goodbye, Dean.”
Suddenly the whole world sprung into action. The sounds came back, the time ticked on, the surroundings reappeared. In a firm motion, hard yet gentle, Cas shoved Dean aside. As Dean fell to the ground, the door smashed open, revealing its long-restrained victim.
Billie walked into the room behind Cas as the Empty moved closer before him. But none of that seemed to unphase Cas. He steadily locked eyes with Dean, inhaled a deep breath, and steeled himself for the end.
In that moment, Dean knew.