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Captain Picard breathed a sigh of relief at being back on the Enterprise. For a minute there after Q had transfered him to that shuttle he thought he would never get back.
It was unsettling to know he can be whisked away at a thought. It was downright terrifying to realise he was dealing with an entity he had no way of comprehending but he managed to return home. Now to deal with said entity
“Q” He turned to the man shaped being and was promptly cut off by an enraged Guinan raising up from behind the counter.
“I knew it waszz you” She exclaimed. A strange lisp in her voice. Has it always been there, the captain wondered.
“You! “ Q shouted. “Picard, if you had half the sense you pretend to have, you would get her off your ship immediately. And if you like,” He added threateningly “I'd be more than pleased to expedite her departure.”
Guinan sneered at that. A strange buzzing sound came from nowhere to envelope her.
“You know him?” Picard asked, trying to catch up. He knew Guinan was not what she seemed. Whenever he tried to recall how exactly she ended up on the Enterprise his mind quickly wondered to something else. He was suddenly very sorry he hadn’t been more persistent in figuring out where she had come from.
“We have had some dealings.” She answered not very forthcoming.
“Those dealings were two centuries ago. This creature is not what she appears to be. She's an imp, and where she goes, trouble always follows.” Q was sneering right back.
“You're speaking of yourself, Q, not Guinan.” Picard said.
“Guinan?” Q turned to the woman. Was she actually a woman? Picard couldn’t help but wonder. “Is that your name now?”
“Better then Q. Really, were you going through the alphabet and just landed there?”
Q shrugged. “I thought it fitting, questions were always my thing.”
“Have you been hit on the head?” Guinan asked.
“My things to squash of course” Q gave a plastic smile.
The captain felt the conversation spiral away from him and though he really did want to know Q’s real name he hurried to recover some control.
“Names are not the issue here Q. You are. We had an agreement that you would stop meddling with us.”
“And so I have.”
“What do you want, Q? State your business. Get on with it.”
“I agree, Captain. Enough about this creature. She's diverting me from the purpose of my being here.” Q turned towards the door but just as he was about to leave Lt. Commander Data’s voice over the comms.
“Captain, there is an unidentified vessel approaching the ship”
Picard clicked his transmitter. “What does it look like, Data?” He asked.
“Well sir.” There was a pause as Data accessed his memory banks. “It looks like an early twentieth century automobile.”
“A What?” The Captain demanded outraged even as Guinan shook her head in defeat and Q just glared.
“Permission to come aboard Cap’n” Came a voice over the comms.
“Permission to. What? Who am I speaking to and how did you access the ship’s private communications network?”
“Private communications network? Oh sorry ‘bout that. I just assumed we would have to ask the captain for permission before coming aboard so…” The voice trailed off. There were muffled voices over the comm. It was hard to make out but seemed to be two people arguing.
The Captain could just barely hear a new voice saying “Should have just popped over”
And then the first voice saying something that sounded like “Bentley… First time ‘round”
And the second voice again “dreadfully late…”
Then the first voice, reassuringly “.. Be okay angel…” And finally it came on clearer.
“Again Captain, Awfully sorry about this but we are running late and time as they say is… well… Ending.”
Now the next thing that happened is probably not the strangest thing to have happened on the ship. This is the Enterprise after all and the unexpected is to be expected on a weekly basis at least but it is rather high up there on the list of strange things that have happened.
Ten Forward is located on the tenth deck on the forward most bow. It’s westward wall is flush against the hull. Without warning said westward wall disappeared smoothing into a road of sorts that stretched out into space. On the road there could be seen a black dot growing rapidly into a larger dot and then into the shape of an early twentieth century automobil. It was black and slick and shiny and went faster than any automobile had the right to go.
Picard realised two things at about the same time. The first was that although the hull seemed to be breached they were not all being sucked out into the vacuum of space. The second was that the vessel shaped like an early twentieth century automobil was coming towards the ship at very high speed, and it was. Not. Slowing. Down.
He raised his hand to contact the bridge and order the shields up but it was too late the vessel was already here. Speeding into his ship and coming to a stop just inside the room. The room wasn't always big enough to accommodate such a vessel was it? Well it must have been since it was obviously big enough.
The Captain took a breath and adjusted his uniform. “Well…” He began but then the vessel’s black door opened and a humanoid with startling red hair and equally startling yellow eyes climbed out and sauntered forward.
He took in the room. “Lord Beelzebub” He said upon noticing Guinan. “Nice dress”
“Guinan.” She told him with a tight smile.
“Oh yes sorry. Guinan. I’ll remember that”
“Zzzank you” She said.
The passenger door opened and a shorter pudgier humanoid came out with a huff. His white blond curls were ruffled and he was clenching and unclenching his hands as if trying to get back the feeling in them after having them clenched for a lengthy period of time.
“Really Crowley.” He complained. “Were you trying to discorporate us?” He looked back to where the ship’s hull was still opened and waved his hand to close it back up.
“There was a time crunch Angel.” The redhead said.
“And whose fault was that dear?” He asked miledly as he took in the room. He saw Guinan and Q and gave a tired sort of sigh. “Are you two really at it again? Honestly, why don’t you get a hobby?”
“Or a room together?” Supplied the redhead hopefully.
“A room?” Q grossed “Are you suggesting that me? And her?”
Guinan just looked ill and the buzzing sound intensified. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She said.
“Well that makes two of us” The captain finally decided to speak up. “Gentlemen please state your business upon my ship and explain how you managed to board it through the hull.”
The two humanoids who had drifted closer to each other as they spoke exchanged a glance.
“Well, “ The light haired one began. “You see… We… Um…”
The Captain huffed “How about we start with your names?”
“Well, I’m Aziraphale. This is Crowely.” The light haired one, Aziraphale answered. Crowely waved a bit.
“And what species are you?”
Aziraphale blinked at that. “We are… err…”
“We haven’t been categorized by the united federation of planets yet. Our species name won’t tell you anything” Crowley supplied.
“Yes” Aziraphale nodded “quite right”
“Hmm Alright. Are you part of the Q continuum?”
“The what now?”
“The Q continuum” Q said with mild annoyance. “And no. They are very much not part of the Q Continuum”
The captain didn’t miss Crowley’s exaggerated mouthing of ‘Q Continuum?’ to Guinan nor her reply shrug. Those two obviously had some kind of history.
“So why are you here?” The Captain asked.
“You see,” Aziraphale said. “There is this book. It was written a very very long time ago and it suggested we best be here on the Enterprise today.”
“The witch wrote a second book?” Q asked
“No” Aziraphale said “Or rather yes she did but it was burnt after… You know. This book was written by Anathema Device. It isn’t quite as accurate but we figured we might as well take a drive. Crowley doesn’t get to drive the Bently as often as he’d like these days”
“You came here in an automobile.” The Captain tried to stay ahead of things. “You somehow tore a hole in the enterprise and drove right in.”
“We did fix it.” Aziraphale pointed out.
The captain ignored him “Because of something written in a book”
“Was a good thing we did.” Crowley said “if you consider the present company” He indicated both Q and Guinan.
“I’m just here to serve drinks,” Guinan said. Her lisp was gone. “I have no idea what feathers here is up to”
Everyone turned expectantly to Q.
“Well, Archangel?” Aziraphale asked and there was a strange threat in his voice that didn’t really fit with the light colored loose linen and tartan fastenings that he wore or the fidgety air he affected. Picard suddenly hoped that Worf had his phaser at the ready though he had a sinking feeling it would do very little against him.
“So, you just believe her?” Q spluttered. Or Archangel that's what Aziraphale called him. “She said she’s been on the ship for a while, maybe she is running a long con? How do you know I’m the one that's scheming here?”
Crowley snorted. “We’ve met you Gabriel” He said, making Aziraphale splutter out a laugh which in turn caused him to smile. They exchanged another look.
“Well feather? Out with it.” Guinan demanded.
“Fine” Q huffed. “I planned to show these sniveling creatures that they should not be out here. The stars don’t belong to them. They should be crawling in the dirt where she put them not zipping around like… like…”
“Like you?” Guinan asked with a buzz.
Q sneered at her. “They are nothing like me.”
Aziraphale sighed “And thank God for that. Ever since they left the garden they never stopped going. Did they Archangel? Almost like they were never meant to stay there. Like it was planned. Like they were created to boldly go where no one has gone before. Hmmm?”
“Alright Angel,” Crowley put his hand on Aziraphale’s shoulder. “I believe you’ve made your point and then some.”
“But I don’t think I have just yet,” Aziraphale said and suddenly there was a sword in his hand. It was flaming but the Enterprise wisely ignored this particular fire.
“Archangel.” He said and his voice echoed with a hundred tones and pitches. “You have meddled with these nice people quite enough. They are clearly enacting the ineffable plan and are under my purview.”
There was a loud buzzing coming from where Guinan stood.
“Right, right” Aziraphale stammered “With Lord…”
Crowley cut him off with a whisper of “Guinan”
“Yes with Guinan acting as my field agent.”
Guinan’s buzzing grew louder again “Your field agent, Princzzzipality?”
Aziraphale shrugged “Worked for us.” He then turned to Q “Do we understand each other?”
Q rose up to his full height. His eyes flashed violet. “You dear to threaten me?”
Aziraphale smiled. “Of course I dare to threaten you. Look around Gabriel. The universe is full of life and they are all moving on with the business of growing and learning and expanding. Even Be-Guinan has hitched a ride. You’re the only one still stuck, still trying to force order onto chaos instead of building order out of chaos. It’s been almost ten thousand years, Grow up Gabriel.”
He pointed his sword at Q.
“You are always invited for tea in the bookshop if you want to talk things out but really. LEAVE THESE PEOPLE ALONE”
The force of his words caused a strange sort of staticy wind to pick up and swirl around Q. After a minute it died down and Q disappeared.
There was a low whistle from Guinan and Crowley asked “Where’d you send him, Angel?”
“Oh I just sent him home”
“Home?” Crowley was incredulous “But he was still corporeal. That will…” He trailed off.
“It will take him a year, maybe two to get everything sorted,” Guinan said with a smile.
Aziraphale smirked. “Yes it will”
***
Later, when the two humanoids had gone (Captain Picard was not completely sure how that automobil shaped vessel managed to leave the ship) and the enterprise was well on it’s way to Gimel three the captain made his way to ten forward to seek out Guinan.
“Interesting friends you have” He told her after ordering some hot earl gray tea.
“They are most definitely not my friends Captain.”
“You know them though”
“I do.” She sighed
“Are you the same species?”
Guianan smiled enigmatically. “I used to be Crowely’s boss. He quit in a very flashy display and things... Changed after he left.” It wasn’t really an answer but somehow it also was.
“Guinan, I won’t press you for information you don’t want to give, but I have to know, you being on this ship, does it endangour us in any way?”
Guinan didn’t answer right away. There was a faint buzzing sound, barely audible.
“I can’t be sure. There might come a time when my old… associates might come after me. I will do my best to be elsewhere when they do but I can’t promise they won’t surprise me”
The captain considered this. Sipping his tea.
“I can tell you one thing,” Guinan said leaning against the counter. “Aziraphale declared you under his protection and that… Well that's good”
“Who is he?” The Captain asked.
Guinan smiled her mona lisa smile again. “He’s an antique bookseller”
The captain raised an eyebrow.
“Has been for a while” She insisted.
The captain rolled his eyes at that. Then he drank the last of his tea, got up and adjusted his uniform. “There were some interesting names thrown about when you three were speaking” He said as an afterthought. “I recognised some from old theological texts.”
“Yes I suppose you would”
The captain waited a beat but when she wouldn’t elaborate he nodded and turned to leave. He did promise not to pry.
A very faint buzzing sound followed him to the bridge.