Chapter Text
”I’m not!”
”Yuuri...”
”I’m really not! I’m just a – ”
”If you dare say you’re just a dime-a-dozen figure skater one more time, I am going to release that video of you opening your package of Viktor Nikiforov merch! I’ll put it on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, I’ll make it a TikTok video complete with music. How about music from some cheesy porn movie from the eighties? Lots of moaning and a pumping rhythm? And you, squealing and kissing the poster of shirtless Viktor?”
”You wouldn’t!”
”Try me.”
Phichit Chulanont stared down his roommate. Yuuri knew when he was beaten, and sighed in defeat.
”I just don’t – ”
”Shhh. You were doing so well just now Yuuri! Just don’t open your mouth and say something self-deprecating and we’ll be fine, and TikTok will never see that video. If, on the other hand, you insist on being mean to my best friend, I will have to take steps.”
”I don’t know why people think you’re such a sweet guy. You’re evil incarnate. A true demonspawn.” Yuuri glared accusingly at his so-called friend.
”Not true. Well, not entirely true. But if you insist on being oblivious, I think it’s my duty to educate you. And the fact is, you have quite a lot of people pining for you on campus, if you would just open your eyes and notice anything besides Viktor Nikiforov’s newest ad campaign or his latest free skate program.”
”I just happen to admire him very much. Do you think I’m showing stalker tendencies?”
”Nah. Stalker tendencies would be if you checked all his Instagram pictures, trying to locate where they were all taken in order to find out his address, now that would be slightly creepy... Yuuri, are you blushing? You didn’t?!”
”No... I didn’t. But I thought about it...”
”Well then. Stalker-ish, but not quite. Now off you go, or you’ll miss your ballet lesson!”
Yuuri shot up from his chair, grabbed his backpack and made a beeline for the exit of the coffee shop, waving goodbye to his friend. A few moments after he left, a couple came to join Phichit at his table, a woman in her early twenties and a young man who was about the same age.
”Did you get through to him?” The dark-haired girl asking sent Phichit a hopeful look.
”Well... maybe a little. At least I think I have a way of stopping his self-deprecation. Outward. I can’t control his thoughts.
”I really don’t get it. I’ve tried asking him out, but it’s like he didn’t understand me? I mean, he speaks English fluently, but sometimes I wonder.” The blonde young man shook his head in disbelief.
”Oh, he speaks English all right, but flirting is beyond him”, Phichit said. ”The only times he understands flirting is when he’s really drunk, and that happens, like, twice a year. And no, I’m not going to get him drunk so you can persuade him to go out with you. His anxiety always spikes after his drunk escapades. I’m not going to put him through that.”
The blonde man pouted.
”I just wish he’d notice me. Or fuck me into the mattress, whichever happens first.”
”Brad. Brad, Brad, Brad. Why are you like that? You can’t corrupt my smol son in that way, I won’t let you!” Phichit glared at the other man disapprovingly.
”First off: my name isn’t Brad, it’s Darryl. And second: Yuuri is not your son. He’s older than you.”
”Details, details. And I notice you didn’t deny the corrupting part.” Phichit shot the blonde a triumphant look.
******
”Yuuri, I thought I told you not to say mean things about my bestie!”, Phichit whined and took a swig from the bottle he was holding, then put it down.
”I’m your bestie! And I can say whatever I want about myself” Yuuri stuck his tongue out at his roommate.
”That’s what you think...” Phichit muttered and started tapping his phone screen furiously, turning his back on Yuuri, who never noticed what was happening. He just grabbed another beer from the fridge and chugged the contents, Bollywood dancing around the kitchen and waving the (now) empty beer bottle in the air.
******
”PHICHIT CHULANONT!!! What did you do?!?”
Phichit woke with a start, wondering whatever happened last night and who swapped his sweet roommate for Godzilla. Or was it the Hulk? He peered blearily at the bellowing creature at the foot of his bed and decided it must be neither, because it wasn’t big or green enough. Then it dawned on him.
”Yuuri, I can explain...”
”Yes, please do, and after you’re done explaining, I’m going to smother you with a pillow and plead temporary insanity, and no court in the world is going to convict me when they hear the story!”
”Yuuri... my best friend in the whole wide world, my jewel, my star in the night, my...”
”Stop quoting cheesy Bollywood lines at me and explain why – WHY – I woke up this morning to a shit-ton of notifications and tags on Instagram, Twitter and TikTok?!”
”Uh...”
”I thought we agreed that video was never going to see the light of day ever again?”
Phichit bolted upright and glared at his friend.
”I thought we agreed you were going to stop belittling yourself! But it sure didn’t sound like that last night. And you know I told you what I’d do if I caught you ridiculing yourself again!”
”Yes, I know, but I really didn’t think you’d do it! And now it’s all over every social media I’ve ever heard of... and people are making memes and joking about thirst!”
Phichit was starting to feel a little guilty at this point. Yuuri was really upset, and no matter how he looked at it, it was partly his fault. Ok, totally his fault. He grabbed his phone from the night stand and did a double take when he glanced at the screen.
”Holy shit Yuuri, you’ve gone viral!”
”I KNOW! That’s sort of the problem here!”
”Well, I mean...” Phichit was tapping away at his phone now, trying to analyse the damage. He froze all at once, his mouth forming an ’o’.
”What? Tell me Phichit, I know all your faces. What is the unexpected thing that has you making a fish face?”
”Uh... Viktor Nikiforov might just have liked the video and tagged you suggesting you send him some of your merch so he can reciprocate?”