Chapter Text
"It was Chuck all along." Dean was falling apart, hands holding onto the backrest of a chair. Despair. Desperation had completely taken over his mind. "We never should have left Sam and Jack. We should be there with them now." Dean exhaled sharply. The thumping on the Door continued. "Everybody is gonna die, Cass. Everybody. - I can't stop it.", he said. It was this moment, where he lost all hope. The blood seal Castiel drew to keep Billie from entering the Room lit up whenever Death knocked on the door. Dean let go of the chair, went around the table and walked slowly up to Castiel. The Angel looked as beaten up as he felt. "She's gonna get through that door.", he stated the obvious. The hope, they could keep her out long enough for the fatal wound to finish her of, was gone.
"I know." Two small words. Castiel followed him into the room with the devil trap on the floor. He saw the change in Dean. The man who always refused to give up, sounded defeated.
"Then she is gonna kill you - and then she is gonna kill me." His gaze dropped to the floor. "I'm sorry." He couldn't stop it. He would be the reason for Castiels death. And he wouldn't be able to save Sam and Jack either. He would ask why he had gotten saved from Hell in the first place, but he knew the answer. It was Chuck all along. And Dean didn't even understand why Chuck was so obsessed with him.
"But there is... There's one thing she's afraid of. There is one thing, strong enough to stop her." Castiel needed a few approaches before he could say it. His Angel brain worked at full capacity to find a way to fulfill his deal with the Empty and find the right words to make Dean understand.
Dean swallowed audibly. A sliver of hope made him straighten his shoulders while listening to the plan that seemed to form in Cass' mind. But that Hope was a double-edged sword.
"When Jack was dying... I - I made a deal", Cass managed to look up to Dean, "to save him."
"You what?", Dean asked immediately. The confusion visible in the vertical creases between his eyebrows. Though it wasn't pure confusion. It was also anger, because, yet again, someone he called family had made a stupid deal! Those never ended well, shouldn't they all know that by now?
"The... The price was my life, when I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever." Castiel wanted to pick the right words, so Dean could understand him.
Dean couldn't look at Cass. He needed time to process this. He shook his head in slow motion and his eyes wandered down the wall behind his best friend, looking for something he could focus on, something he could hold on to and think. But the small cracks in the gray wall blurred into one color, so he looked back at Cass. Slowly realizing that Castiel wanted to summon the Empty. Now. 'NO!' He refused to follow this line of thinking. Even if, how could Castiel summon the Empty? How could he experience true happiness while Death was knocking on the Door and about to kill them? The seal was weakening with every thump. Eyes wide open. Afraid to blink because he felt tears collecting in his eyes. "Why are you telling me this now?", he asked with an angry undertone in his voice. Covering up the fact he was fucking scared. Though he could not hide his chest raising more and more with every time he inhaled. Another thump made the fading seal glow up.
"I always wondered - ever since I took that burden, that curse - I wondered - what it could be. What my true happiness could even look like."
Dean stared at Castiel in disbelieve. Breathing heavy, but through his mouth, trying to conceal his own reaction.
"I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want - it's something I know I can't have." Castiel never thought he would ever admit this. When he had pictured the future, he had always seen Dean growing old. Sometimes as a hunter. Sometimes, although unlikely, settling down with a woman. That was his preferred future. He would have watched over Dean and his family, and he would have continued to watch over every generation of Winchesters.
While Cass was trying to find the right words, Dean was anxious to learn what Cass' thought he could never have. He was churned up, because on one hand there was the slightest hope Castiel found a way to save them, on the other was the fear, that it would end like always: Bad for them. That he would die, or worse, lose Castiel once more. He wanted to know and at the same time he dreaded the possibility Cass would fulfill the deal and be taken from him.
"But I think I know - I think I know now, happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being.", Cass continued. His voice softer than ever before.
'How the fuck is he smiling right now?'
"It's in just saying it."
"What are you talking about, man?" Deans voice almost refused to utter these words. Why? Why was it so hard to form thoughts?
"I know. I know how you see yourself Dean." Castiel knew Dean, and he would try to let him know. Would try so Dean could understand and hopefully move on. "You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. Your daddy's blunt instrument. And you think that hate and anger, that's, that's what drives you. That's who you are."
'Yes. Yes that's me. Cut to the chase, what does that have to do with your happiness, you son of a bitch?'
"It's not"
'...what?'
"And everyone who knows you, sees it."
'That's... not true... I have anger issues. The only thing keeping me together is hunting and killing monsters...'
"Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done - for love!"
'No... I am just fucked up... broken...'
"You raised your little brother - for love. You fought for this whole world - for love. That is who you are!"
Death knocked and Deans mind went blank for a second. He heard what Castiel was saying. Even heard the truth in his words. But he couldn't believe it. He could not throw out the years of self-loathing, just because Castiel...
"You are the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know." Castiel would give everything for a little more time. More time to explain, because even with his watery eyes he could see that Dean was still doubting himself. If only he could see himself through the eyes of his angel. Another thump and Cass started to talk faster, he had to get it out: "You know ever since we met. Ever since I pulled you out of hell..." The tears weren't staying in his eyes any longer. They ran down his cheeks, leaving wet trails. "Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, but I cared about the whole world, because of you!"
Dean couldn't grasp what was happening here. He didn't even hear Deaths constant knocking on the door anymore. He was still trying to figure out why Castiel would tell him all this stuff, while not being able to accept any of it.
Cass gasped, unable to hold back the sobbing. "You changed me, Dean."
"Why does this sound like a goodbye?", Dean asked. He knew the answer already. It was a stupid question. But that was how he coped. He didn't want to accept what he already knew. He felt numb from this carousel of emotions. He had seen Castiel bleed, explode and die, but... seeing him cry like this... it hit differently. His throat wanted to close up, made it harder to breath. He had to really concentrate to keep breathing.
"Because it is."
'No...'
"I love you."
"Don't do this Cass.", he pleaded. Dean couldn't, he just couldn't deal with this right now. He couldn't accept what he already knew. Castiel was about to sacrifice himself for him. Dean wished for time to slow down. If they only had a little longer, maybe he could think of something after all... something that did not involve Cass summoning the Empty...
But there was no time. A bubbling, fizzing sound made Dean turn his head to see black goo reaching out from the wall. As he turned back the Door flung open, and they were trapped between the two most powerful entities beside Chuck.
"Cass..." He couldn't say more.
"Goodbye Dean." Castiel gripped Deans shoulder to get him out of harms way. All this wouldn't mean anything, if Dean would get in the way of the Empty. The only thing that was really important to Castiel, was giving Dean another chance to keep on living. And right now, with his sacrifice, he assured exactly that. Knowing that made him smile at Dean one last time, before the Empty swallowed him whole.
Dean wanted to scream. At Cass. At the Empty. But it felt like someone was crushing his throat together and only faint noises left his mouth.
Silence.
In his head. In this room. And - unknown to Dean - the whole world.
He did not deserve this. To be saved, again only because some... Castiel sacrificed himself for him. Dean's head was throbbing with pain. So was his chest. He could not bare it anymore. It felt like he had already lost everything multiple time. How was he supposed to ever get up again?
His cell began to vibrate. He looked at the name, but he could not bring himself to accept the call. There was no way he would take the little hope Sammy may still have away. He was in a dark, dark place with his thoughts. Painfully aware, that it was all his fault. None of this would have happened, if he had just said yes to Michael. Adam would not have been in the cage for ten fucking years! And now he was just sitting here and sobbing. Sobbing, not only because that stupid angel had sacrificed himself, but also because all those things Castiel had said floated around in Deans head.
'It's not'
'The most selfless, loving human being'
'I love you'