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For what could've been an hour, a month, or even an eternity, Dean drove. The people waiting for him back where he came from were on his mind, but for now, he was content to just have some time with his car on the open road. The infinite highway passed through forests, over rivers, and sometimes the roads were rocky, but the sky was clear and the sun shone brightly.
There was a persistent nagging in the back of his head that he was trying to ignore, a voice that sounded like his own telling him something's missing, and you know exactly what it is.
There's nothing I can do about it, he thought back, and kept driving.
Eventually, he ended up passing through acres of farmland. There were different crops growing throughout, but something on the horizon caught Dean's eye. As he drove closer, it became more clear; there was a barn standing alone among the fields. When he reached it, he felt compelled to stop and get out. Sure enough, a closer look revealed exactly which barn this was supposed to be.
As soon as he realized it, the memories he'd been stubbornly avoiding pushed their way to the surface. The angel who raised him from perdition, who was always doing what he thought was right, who always came when he called...
"Cas helped."
Maybe it wasn't too late to have hope.
Though he still didn't believe that it would have any effect, Dean spoke as he walked around the perimeter of the building. "...Cas? I, uh, don't know if you can hear me. Probably not." He paused, not knowing how to continue. On the ground in front of him, a patch of blue cornflowers was swaying gently in the breeze. Needing something to do with his hands, he picked one and slowly pulled off petals as he gathered his thoughts.
"I miss you. I said it before, man, I need you." He stopped pacing and leaned against the splintered wood of the barn wall. "This place, Heaven, ain't perfect until you're here." The first petal fell to his feet.
Dean hesitated to keep going, but there would never be a better time or place to speak his truth, so he took a breath and pressed on. "It must've seemed like I brushed you off, I mean, I didn't really take the time to... to grieve," he took another pause to blink back tears, "but every other time I lost you I spiraled hard. I couldn't do that again so I just, I don't know, pushed it all back and pretended it didn't happen." He let go of another petal, and the breeze carried it away.
Cas's voice echoed in his head. You changed me, Dean.
"You- you changed me too, Cas." His voice shook, and it got harder to keep his composure. "I didn't get why you'd keep saving me, why I'd even be worth the effort, but you just- you cared, damn it, and you made me care too." He clenched his fist tightly, crushing the cornflower without realizing it.
The memory of Cas continued, I love you.
"I'm sorry," Dean said, looking to the ground in shame even though there was nobody around to see him. "I just stood there and barely said anything, and I should've because-" he cut himself off, afraid of saying things aloud that he'd barely admitted to himself, and tears finally tracked down his face. With a heavy sigh, he forced the words out, thinking back to all the times he'd heard someone say that talking about things helped. "-because you didn't think you could have what you wanted, but you can, or- or you could, if you were here. You didn't... you didn't think that I love you the same way, but I do, Cas, I love you too."
He wondered if anyone had heard him, where this prayer might be going if Cas wasn't there to hear it.
The more self-loathing part of him wondered why he hadn't said all these things to Cas while he'd still had the chance.
Dean was tightly pressed to the wall of the barn as if it was the only thing keeping him together while all the things he kept inside were unraveling. He took a few deep breaths to relax, but even though he felt better than before the tears didn't stop coming. Dean supposed that, for once, he could let them go. He slid down the wall until he hit the ground, knees pushed up against his chest, and the memory of the last time he was in this position pushed itself to the front of his mind.
Dean can't think. Cas is saying all these beautiful things but Dean can't process a single word of it because the angel is making yet another sacrifice for him. He's going to leave again, probably for good this time, and there's nothing Dean can do to stop it.
Cas's next words cut through the haze, ringing clear as a bell in Dean's head. "I love you." Even despite that clarity, Dean can't understand what Cas means. What is an angel's version of love? Is it the same love that Dean feels for him? He knows he has to say something, the Empty is coming and there's so little time.
"Don't do this, Cas." It's the only thing he can think to say. Cas can't leave, not yet, not when Dean hasn't even had one minute to think of how to reply. They have to talk about this, there has to be a chance for them to finally have what they both want.
It's too late. The Empty is there, taking form. With a final goodbye, Cas pushes Dean away, smiling tearfully. He does look truly happy, and Dean wonders how long he'd waited to get that off his chest.
Just like that, Cas is gone. He doesn't kick and scream, there's no fight or struggle, he simply... lets go.
Dean can't move. The floor is cold, and his phone is ringing, but he can't do anything other than put his head in his hands and cry. He memorizes the feeling of Cas's hand on his shoulder, the last time they'd ever touch.
When Dean snapped out of the memory, he realized that someone had called his name quietly, probably more than once. Whoever it was, they were kneeling next to him at a respectable distance with a hand on his shoulder that felt just like Cas's.
A spark of hope set Dean's chest alight, but it was still tempered by doubt. Without looking up, afraid of being disappointed, he focused on the voice calling for him as best he could.
"Dean? Are you alright?"
Deep, gravelly, and full of love and concern; of course it was Cas. "You're here," Dean said with a hoarse voice. He'd just poured his entire heart out, but now that the angel was right there with him, he found himself lost for words again.
"I always come when you call." The reply coaxed Dean into raising his head, and when he saw Cas with his worried eyes and little half-smile, he felt as if a weight had been lifted. He leaned into Cas with a sigh of relief, and when he pulled Dean into an awkwardly positioned hug, things finally started to feel right again. "What made you so upset?" Cas asked hesitantly.
Deciding not to talk about his long and emotional prayer just yet on the off chance that Cas hadn't heard all of it, Dean answered, "I was just thinking about when you- when you left."
Cas sighed, and Dean could practically feel the guilt in it. "You saved me," he added quickly, "but it still hurt to lose you."
Rather abruptly, Cas stood and offered Dean his hand, helping him up off the ground. The second they were both upright, Dean immediately pulled the angel into the tightest hug he could possibly give, and the way they collided, fast and clumsy, made it clear that Cas had the exact same intention.
"Why didn't you come sooner?" the hunter asked in a harsher tone than he intended. A bit softer, he added, "I missed you," even though Cas definitely knew that already.
The two were pressed together so closely that Dean could feel the slight tremble in Cas's body as he replied softly. "I wanted to give you time..." That wasn't all he wanted to say, Dean could tell, so he encouraged him to continue by gently patting him on the back. "And... I was nervous."
Dean pulled back just enough to look into Cas's eyes, sapphire blue and filled with emotions he wasn't aware that angels could feel until recently. "Did you hear everything I said?" he asked quietly. Cas nodded with that little half-smile of his. "So... no reason to be nervous anymore, right?" Dean looked away sheepishly, as if he'd somehow misinterpreted things and there was still a reason to be nervous after all.
Gently, Cas cupped Dean's face in his hand and guided it back towards him. There were questions in Cas's eyes that he seemed hesitant to ask aloud, but Dean saw them for what they were.
Can we finally have this? Are things going to be okay? Are you sure?
Dean always did better with actions rather than words, so he stepped closer, both arms around Cas's waist, and pressed their lips together. The angel was frozen in shock for a few seconds before he relaxed and returned the favor. It was slow and soft, and it felt like coming home.
When they parted, Dean felt as though something inside of him, a hopeful thing he'd held together by a single thread, was mending itself. The part that was afraid of failure and loss, the part that had never truly recovered from watching those he cared about leave him... it was stitching itself together again, and now that it was taking shape he could see that it was called love.
The two stared into each other's eyes once more. "I love you," Dean blurted out, compelled by the atmosphere and the sappy look on Cas's face. "Wanted to say it to your face this time..." he mumbled, unable to hold back a blush.
Cas's lovestruck smile turned into full-on beaming, and it was a look Dean found himself wanting to see a lot more often. "And I you, Dean."
With the beauty of Heaven stretched out before them and a lifetime's worth of love between them, Castiel and Dean walked back to the Impala, hand in hand, and the drive went on.