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“Jo still hasn’t given you a reason?” Meredith asked as she and Alex laid in the grass.
“I don’t need a reason. She doesn’t want to marry me. I’m done. It’s over,” Alex shrugged. “Maybe it’s nobody’s fault. Maybe you only get one.”
“One what? Soulmate? Or true love?” Meredith scrunched her face. “Well, then who…?”
Alex turned his face towards Meredith, an unimpressed expression on his face. Meredith wrinkled her eyebrows, “Izzie? Alex, Izzie wasn’t your one true love. And even if she was--”
“What was Derek?” Alex interrupted. “Are you telling me you think something like that’s coming around again?”
“That was different,” Meredith sighed.
“How?”
“I have never loved anyone more than I loved Derek and I probably never will love anyone that way again,” Meredith turned on her side, balancing on her elbow. “You loved Jo more the moment you met her than you ever loved Izzie. You know that, I know that, everyone knows that. Jo’s your post-it. So what if you don’t get married? At least she’s here and she’s alive. I’d give anything to have Derek, no matter if we were married or with other people. At least he’d be here. At least my children would have their father.”
“I have to go back home and get my clothes for the wedding,” Alex deflected and stood up, offering a hand to Meredith. “Let’s go.”
***
It had been a week since Jo had seen Alex. Ever since she rejected his proposal again, he’d been crashing at Meredith’s house. Even in the hospital, Alex had done his best to leave whenever she’d enter the same room. It was a stab in the chest if she was being honest. She thought that after four years together, Alex would afford her the decency of having a conversation with her.
She hoped that conversation would happen today. She knew he’d be coming home soon. Today was Amelia and Owen’s wedding and Alex would be coming home to get his suit and get ready for the ceremony. They needed to talk. They needed to work through this just like they’d worked through everything else that they had been through.
Because it wasn’t just the two of them anymore. She’d found out about her pregnancy two days ago. Stephanie found her puking in the bathroom and all but dragged her to take a blood test. A few hours later, Jo had received the most life changing news ever. She was pregnant. She and Alex had made a baby.
There was a little person occupying her uterus at the moment and as terrified as she was, Jo wanted this. She wanted this with Alex. She wanted a future and a family and to be happy. For the first time in her life, she had someone that she felt safe enough with to even entertain that thought. She just hoped that she hadn’t thrown it all away before it even began. The fear of that had her pacing around the kitchen as she waited for him to arrive.
Jo was brought out of her thoughts when she heard the loft door slide open. Alex walked in with his angry face on, avoiding eye contact with her and going straight to grab his duffle bag from the top of the wardrobe.
“I want to have kids with you.”
Alex stopped what he was doing, “What?”
“You said that you wanted a baby, and I want one too. You would be an amazing dad. And that’s what you’re worried about, right? That I’m not all in? But I am. And I love you,” Jo put her hand on Alex’s cheek only for him to pull away. She recoiled slightly in hurt.
“Are you gonna tell me why you won’t marry me?”
“I told you that I love you--” Jo let out a shaky breath as Alex turned back around to gather his clothes again. “And that I’m not going anywhere. Because I want a life and a family with you. So isn’t that enough? Can’t that be enough for you?”
Alex continued to pack his clothes, “You know, I was with Mer this morning and I was thinking, the two of us, we’ve been through hell. You know, all kinds of drama--crazy family stuff, we both almost died, losing people we love.”
“No, y-you’re not losing me,” Jo protested. “I’m right here.”
“The point is, we grew up. Mer and I are grown up. We got through it. And hell is behind me. It’s in my rearview mirror, and I’m not going back. I’m done,” Alex shook his head and sighed. “I’m not--I’m not some idiot kid anymore, Jo. I’m a man, and I’m done with games. I’m done with crazy. I’m done with losing. I’m done with drama. I don’t care about your secrets and your excuses and your drama. You know, I-I’ve had that.”
“Alex, if we could just--” Jo’s eyes began to water, this was not how she imagined this conversation going.
“I just said I don’t want to do this!” Alex shouted. “I--I have never had one second of anything real in my entire life. I want truth. I want--I want a wife and a house and a family! Amelia and, uh, Owen’s wedding today--I want that!”
“You think I don’t?” Jo felt the tears start to run down her face. “ I just told you that I want a family with you. I want to have kids with you. Alex please, I’m here. I’m real. What we have is real and we need to fix us because we’re going to have a b--”
“Stop talking about fixing us. I don’t want to fix us! Because all I see is that these past few years have been a lie. It’s not worth it!”
“You don’t mean that. Alex, if you would just listen,” Jo begged. “I love you! You’re the love of my life.”
“Jo, stop it! Let it go. Let us go. I love you, but I don’t trust you anymore. And I can’t be with someone I don’t trust,” and with that, Alex gathered his things and walked out the door.
***
Alex walked up the steps to the loft and sighed. Owen’s little speech about granting Amelia the benefit of the doubt had really struck him. For the past week, he’d been cruel and mean and nasty to Jo. He had avoided her and glared whenever she got too close. Today, he’d really messed up though. He said some things that he wished he could take back. He acted in ways and hurt her in ways he swore he’d never do.
He was nervous as he reached the sliding door. He was nervous that she wouldn’t want to listen to what he had to say. He was nervous that he might get agitated again and say something even worse than before. He was nervous that he’d mess up the one person who ever loved him for exactly who he was.
Alex opened the door and was surprised to find the loft empty. He looked around for a moment before he heard a small noise in the bathroom. There was a retching sound, followed by a soft whimpering. Furrowing his brows in concern, Alex made his way over to the bathroom and found Jo hunched over the toilet seat, eyes closed.
“Jo?” Alex placed a hand on her back hoping that she’d look up at him. When she didn’t respond, Alex grew concerned and knelt down next to her. He shook her shoulder and attempted to grab her attention. He reached out for her chin and realized that her eyes were closed. “Jo? Jo! Baby, come on. Open your eyes for me.”
Jo remained unresponsive, so Alex picked her up from the floor and brought her to the bed. Worried, he checked her vitals to see if anything was out of the ordinary before he did something unnecessary out of panic like call an ambulance. Finally after a moment, she opened her eyes.
Jo looked up at him in confusion, “What are you doing here?” She rolled over so that her back was facing him. “You left me. You left me after you promised we’d be together. You left me days after telling me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. And you made it very clear that you want nothing to do with me and my excuses or secrets.”
“I know that,” Alex’s face dropped. “I’m sorry, Jo. I was angry and I hurt you, but I didn’t mean any of it. I came back because I don’t care what kinds of secrets you’re holding onto. I trust you. I do, regardless of the reasons you have for saying no. I love you. You love me. And that’s enough. I don’t know when that stopped being enough.”
A couple moments passed and Jo felt a few tears slip past her eyelids as she readied her confession, “I want to marry you, but I can’t. I can’t marry you because I’m already married.”
“You’re married?” Alex asked dumbfounded. “Jo, what the hell? We live together. We’re always together. When do you even see him? Because we’re together a little too often for me to just be your dirty mistress.”
“It’s not like that,” Jo shook her head. “I’m married to a man who almost beat me to death. And I can’t divorce him because I ran away from him. I ran away from him eight years ago and never looked back. I changed my name, I moved to a different state, I left everything behind because I was scared for my life. That’s why I can’t marry you. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. If I try to divorce him, he will find me and he will kill me. Because I disappeared and I humiliated him.”
Alex looked at Jo in shock and sadness, “Oh, Jo.”
Jo let out a quiet sob, prompting Alex to immediately wrap his arms around her. He held her silently for a few moments as she cried, pressing light kisses on the top of her head and feeling like a complete and utter asshole for the way he’d treated her in the past few days. Minutes passed and Alex thought she’d fallen asleep when Jo finally spoke again.
“I’m pregnant.”
“What?” Alex furrowed his brow, wondering if he’d heard correctly.
“I’m pregnant,” Jo repeated. “That’s why I said the thing about us having kids earlier today. I was trying to tell you that I’m pregnant. I don’t know how far along, but I’m guessing five weeks.”
“You’re pregnant?”
“Yeah. I found out two days ago,” Jo nodded. “I don’t know if we should keep it, though.”
“What? Why wouldn’t we keep it?” Alex shook his head and looked at Jo for an explanation.
“Because we’re a mess, Alex. We’re a ticking time bomb,” Jo felt more tears run down her cheeks. “Before today, I would’ve had no doubts about keeping this baby. But now… you left and it was so easy for you. What’s going to assure me that you won’t leave again? That you won’t leave me with a baby to take care of by myself. If we’re through, we deserve a clean break, because you’re right. As much as I want this, as much as I want a family, maybe I should let us go. Maybe we aren’t worth it.”
“No, Jo. Babe, listen to me. I was angry. I didn’t mean any of it,” Alex cupped Jo’s face in his hands. “I came back. I came back because I love you and I want to be with you, no matter what that looks like. You’re here and you’re alive and that’s all that matters. Not if we ever get married and make it legal. This is what matters, us. And I’m sorry I made you feel like you didn’t have me. I can’t promise we won’t fight again. I can’t promise that I won’t blow up and say some things I shouldn’t have said. I can’t promise that I won’t storm off or go spend the night at Meredith’s again. But what I promise you, is that I will always come back. Always.”
Jo took a steadying breath, “You’ll come back?”
“Every time. Every single time. I swear,” Alex pressed his forehead against Jo’s. “I told you once that you got me. That’s still true. That’s not gonna change. You have all of me. And a part of me can be ugly sometimes. But I’m going to be better. I’m going to do better. This right here? This is me trying.”
Jo closed her eyes and thought about his words before burying her face in his neck, “We’re gonna need a bigger house if we’re gonna have this baby.”
“You want to do this?” Alex squeezed her a little tighter to him. “We’re gonna have a baby?”
“We’re going to have a baby,” Jo released a breath and chewed on her lip. “That’s okay, right? It won’t mess things up?”
“Of course it’s okay. It’s great,” Alex felt his eyes water slightly as he placed his hand on her still flat stomach, linking with hers. “There’s nothing I want more than to have a family with you . Every time I picture it, it’s with you. We’re already a family. We’ve been each other’s family for a while now. Now our family gets to grow.”
“I’m sorry I kept things from you. I’m sorry I hurt you by not telling the truth from the beginning,” Jo said after a moment of silence. “I promise, from here on out, I’ll be honest. I know how important that is to you.”
“I'm sorry I said what I said. I’m sorry I made you feel like you were alone in this,” Alex hugged her closely. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop being sorry for making you feel alone. I know you get squirrely when someone tells you that they’ll stick around because you’re trying to brace yourself for when they leave. And I know that my actions made you feel like I was gone. I don’t ever want to prove you right. I won’t prove you right.”
Jo locked eyes with Alex for a minute before allowing her mouth to curve up into a small smirk, “If you did, I’d hunt you down and kick your ass.”
Alex let out a laugh, “I love you.”
“I know,” Jo shrugged and smiled smugly. “I love you, too.”