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"I need your grace
to remind me
to find my own"
Sam got out of the room, carefully closing it, then walked back silently to the living room, where Castiel was waiting for him.
Arriving, he found a quiet and worried angel, sat around the table, lifting his head to the song of Sam’s steps. Seeing the look on his face and eyes, the Winchester knew the angel hadn’t changed a bit. He was still the same. And it made him smile.
Cas, on the other hand, couldn’t. “Is Dean okay?”
“Yeah, he was just…” What was he doing, going on with this 'fine' bullshit so quickly again. They just got Cas back. Dean was maybe going to go hide again behind it, but Sam couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Castiel deserved better than that. “No.”
The angel frowned. “No?”
Sam joined him, sitting in front of him, taking a deep breath, looking at him in the eyes, hoping Castiel would see the truth inside. No, Dean wasn’t fine. He hasn’t been for weeks. He hasn’t been since the devil put a blade into the angel’s heart, cutting out the hunter’s will to live in the process. Sam could see it, Dean drunk and lost in his pain, anger taking control of him in a way nothing ever did. This time had been different, from all the times he had been lost, all the times they had lost Cas… Sam had never seen him like that.
“It’s been weeks, Cas. Weeks he hadn’t slept more than two hours, if not at all. He lied about it every day, but I could see it. I know him.” Sam breathed out, trying to find the right words. “He was all but fine.”
He could see the angel’s confused but still worried graze on him.
“But… He’s sleeping now.” Cas was frowning, trying to understand, but still didn’t seem to see the obvious. He never did.
And Sam thought about the look on Dean’s eyes when he had received Cas’ call, when he saw him, when he hugged him. He thought about how at that moment, his brother had found life and hope again. How suddenly he was breathing.
He could see, how his breath had been taken away ever since he lost his best friend. He knew he tried to hide that facade, when Cas meant the world to him.
It had been just a couple of hours since they had got him back, and Dean hadn’t let his graze leave the angel for even a second. On the way home, Castiel had been shotgun. Dean had asked him to, after some pour excuse of celebrating his return, which had somehow made the situation even worse, coming from the fact that Dean had nearly crashed the car a number of times Sam couldn’t even imagine tonight. It had made Castiel laugh, though. And Dean had just stared at him even more, wide smile stuck on his lips.
Idiots in love. Sam had thought. But for the first time, he hadn’t even been annoyed by his brother and his called 'best friend' being so loudly obvious. He was just happy. For having Cas back. For having his brother happy. For having his brother back.
Tension had been a sudden stranger when they came home, when Cas finally met Jack. Dean was still a little suspicious deep down, but everything seemed different this time. Cas was back. And somehow, maybe he was thankful to the kid for life now for having brought back the angel. Maybe seeing Castiel trust and love Jack was shaking him. Maybe he was just too happy and whole to be mad. Or maybe too tired.
Maybe it was all of it.
So they had spent the whole night together, all four of them, learning but already getting used to how to be a family.
It wasn’t so long after Jack went to bed that Dean had fallen asleep on Cas’ shoulder. All his tiredness, emotions and everything about those past weeks had finally come down, and it happened so quickly. A second he was still smiling, looking fondly at Cas explaining again how he had somehow annoyed so bad a cosmic entity it had brought him back, and the other second, his head was falling against the angel’s shoulders, Dean’s forehead softly brushing Castiel’s neck. He was exhausted.
Maybe the angel’s presence and the gentle touch of their shoulders and thighs, while casually sitting on the couch, talking peacefully while staring at each other all night, ignoring Sam’s happy bitch face, was all he needed. Maybe Cas was all he needed. What he always needed.
For a moment, Cas’ graze had dropped softly on Dean peacefully sleeping against him, savoring this moment that felt safe, that felt home. And when Sam had finally got Dean up to carry him to his room, the angel had instantly felt the loss of him, feeling cold, missing the hunter. Just like Dean’s arm had fallen against Castiel, his hand almost gripping the angel’s trench coat before being taken away from the sofa. Because for the first night of sleep he would have, letting him sleep uncomfortably on the couch was out of the question. If there was one thing Dean needed right now was to rest and have a real good and peaceful night.
So Sam had taken him carefully to his bed, to silently come back to Castiel after that. And there was he, now, trying to find the right words on how to tell the angel how he meant to Dean.
“He got you back, Cas”
“I- I’m not sure I-“
“I know, Dean will probably never say this to you, but… He’s lost, Cas. He’s lost without you.” Seeing a light burning into the angel’s eyes, Sam’s lips turned into a tiny gentle smile, and he continued. “If you’d seen him, he was… He was trying to hide the pain, but I knew him. He wasn’t himself. Drunk, angry, aiming at the world, at everyone, and suffering. And I could see it, having nightmares the only times he was barely sleeping, I could hear it, I know it haunted him-”
“Because I was dead.” Cas finished the sentence with a thoughtful and calm voice, unsure and trying to really get what was happening. Sam nodded, and the angel seemed to wonder a minute, thinking. “But, I’ve died before, it’s not-”
Oh, Castiel… He really had no idea.
“It may have been worse than I’ve ever seen this time, but losing you always gutted him. With guilt, pain, loss… When it first happened, with the leviathans, he- He kept your coat, Cas.” Sam remembered. Dean’s broken and sad voice while taking it in his hands, his lost eyes while carrying it to the impala. Not letting him go. “He kept it close to him, everytime he was moving, even when he was changing cars… And I could see in his eyes, how hurt he was. Even after everything that had happened.” Cas looked down finally, starting to realize, to feel it. “And when he went back from purgatory without you… He was burning with guilt. He had lost you, Cas. Damn, he even altered his memories cause it was too hard for him to believe you wouldn’t want to live and get out with him. He felt like failing you.”
The angel looked up at Sam, before lowing his graze again, eyes wide, realizing. There was guilt inside of him, for having broken his human so much so many times, for killing him. But he also felt that warm feeling inside his heart, infinitely unconditional.
“He cares about you, Cas, more than anyone ever could. And I know it might be impossible to think sometimes, but he does.” Sam smiles fondly. He was seeing a new spark rise in the angel’s eyes, something so hopeful, so gentle.
Love.
Castiel didn’t know what to say, nor what to think of all this. Yeah, he had ideas, but- It had to be something else. But whatever was the reason behind all this, his heart had never felt like that, never beaten like that.
So like that, after a moment or two processing, he stood up, as Sam watched him carefully, waiting for the angel to speak.
“I should-” Cas said, raising a hand to innocently point at the hallways, and Sam nodded, remaining silent, still smiling.
Castiel walked slowly through those hallways he knew too much, tracing a way he memorized so long ago. Breathing slowly, he arrived at front of the door. He stared at it a second, then carefully opened it, finding the utter silence broken at the second inches were already open.
Cas’ heart stopped as worry filled his being, hearing a shuddered and hard breathing, unpeaceful and suffering, when movements were heard, fast and hurried. Then the door was finally open and Castiel could see the hunter struggling, sweating and turning himself again and again in bed.
Nightmares. Dean used to have them, Castiel knew it better than anyone else. He couldn’t put a number on how many times he went next to Dean to ease them, how many times he let his grace ground him. Most times, he would just need to stand near the hunter and let his grace do the work. But now was different. This time was different.
The nightmares were violent, his breathing was unsteady, and he kept whispering, calling, hurting the same word, “No”, again and again, trying to run away from the vision haunting him, but stuck on that unending cycle of reliving it again and again. His voice was broken between sobs and shudders, and he was calling, calling and calling.
But before the angel could even move to try and do something, the door just newly opened, Dean’s gasps went stronger and deeper as he screamed with horror. “Cas!!!!”
Even though the distance separating them was quite short, Castiel ran, understanding the nature of those nightmares, doing the best he could to get the closest to Dean. With hustle, he still carefully sat at the other side of the bed, hoping his presence would help the hunter. Dean needed to know it was over now. He was here, he was back, he was with him. And he would never leave him again.
Softly, like a promise, he approached his hand to Dean’s hair to run his fingers between them, slowly tracing small circles to it. “I’m here Dean, I’m here. I’m alive. It’s okay.”
Maybe it was Castiel’s presence or the small rhythm of his hand caressing Dean’s hair, or maybe it was the angel’s grace working miraculously its way to Dean’s soul. Maybe it was that unsaid promise that suddenly brought them closer. Maybe it was all that together, that calmed Dean.
But within a minute, he was breathing alright again, slowly moving closer to Castiel. The angel couldn’t know if the hunter could feel his presence, know he’s right here with him, that he’s not leaving his side ever again, but Dean seemed a great more appeased. He kept moving closer to him, and all of a sudden, he had his arms wrapped all around Cas’ waist, head resting on the angel’s lap, holding on tight to him and keeping him close, always.
Caught by surprise, Castiel first remained still, frozen. His mind went empty and he had no idea what to do. The movement of his hand on Dean’s hair had stopped too, and Cas looked down at him in panic. Dean seemed to feel the lack of it and miss the comfort as soon as it had stopped, cause he moaned with a deep sleepy voice some unclear words of complaining.
Castiel only smiled fondly at it, melting under Dean’s tenderness.
It was something, to see the hunter so peaceful and safe right now, when a minute ago he was sweating and trembling, haunted by the horrors of what life can get you through. Castiel may not be able to have nightmares, thanks being an angel for that, but he did remember how terrifying they were. He did remember the terrors haunting him every night for the short period of time he was human. Nightmares are a way for human minds to torture our own self when we’re unable to fight back. They strike when we’re the most defenseless. They’re unstoppable.
That’s why Cas has always done his best to chase them away from Dean, even more after having his grace returned to him. Now, like a miracle, they were like they didn’t even exist, when the angel had never seen the man next to him this relaxed.
So Castiel’s fingers began to trace circles back into Dean’s hair, slowly admiring the soft expression of Dean’s sleepy face, listening to his calmed breath, again and again, watching the hunter’s abdomen rise and fall at its own rhythm, feeling all tense leave them both.
“I can’t live without you.”
Caught off guard for the second time, Cas stopped breathing for a second, hand still moving, heart still beating faster, always faster. "I can't." Eyes still fixed on a Dean only holding him tighter as he was murmuring so quietly he had almost missed it, he swallowed. "Don’t leave me again… You hear me?”
Cas’ face softened, as he wasn’t even feeling his heart beating anymore at this point, all the love he felt rising and overwhelming him, but in all the best ways possible, surrounding him, grounding him. It felt safe, it felt good. It felt like home. This was maybe the most beautiful thing he had ever felt. Indescribable, unconditional, infinite and unique, but here in all its beauty.
Smiling, Castiel felt suddenly brave, grounded by the purest effects of love. A hand still on Dean’s hair, and the other holding the hunter close to him, he lowered himself to place his lips against Dean’s forehead. Soft and quick, the kiss sent electricity in all his body while he firmly believed for a second he wouldn’t survive that amount of love.
Dean seemed to melt into the touch, relaxing again as he felt closer to the angel than he has ever been. Moving his lips to Dean’s hair before dropping another kiss there, Castiel thought: This is it. This is what I wanna feel every single second I live, every breath I take and in my every heartbeat.
“I’ll always be with you Dean." Castiel murmured against his skin. "Today, tomorrow, and for the rest of our lives.” He doesn’t even remember if he said those words out loud, if he whispered them or if his grace spoke for him, warming them both, but he knew Dean had felt it. He knew they were safe. He knew they were okay. “I’m not leaving you.”
And it was all that mattered.