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Having eaten, and socially satisfied, Jay headed back to the room specifically designed for the top3 I-Landers - a room he could finally call his. The room was a really nice place to relax, and when Sunoo wasn't around, Jay made sure to exercise his curiosity about everything in the room. Heeseung often told him not to move things because Sunoo could sus that from the complete opposite side of the building (case in point: Heeseung once, accidentally, knocked one of Sunoo's products off of the table whilst drying his hair, and Sunoo appeared at the door within the first 30 seconds of it happening; safe to say that Heeseung was slightly nervous of moving anything of the rank 1's stuff from then on out), but did Jay care? No. Why? The pattern dictates that he'll be back in the room for ranks 4 to 6 in a week's time so it didn't really matter.
Walking from the kitchen to the area with the bedrooms, Jay tried to let his mind relax. Part 2 was stressful, and the false sense of security part 1 had provided, and the shimmying down from 23 to 12 to 7, it was definitely hard for the boys to shut their brains off, or let their minds relax, but he could try. Luckily for Jay, he was now rooming with his long-term trainee friend, Heeseung.
Jay and Heeseung didn't go "way back", but go far enough back that they could sense when something was off with the other, and they could truly open up to one another when times were tough, and debut seemed a million years away. This year, if they were still going to be together, it'll be the 4th birthday that Jay has spent with Heeseung. He has no idea what he's going to get the best hyung he could've asked for, but he'll figure something out.
Opening the door, Jay enters the room. It's been a long exhausting day of practicing. His body aching and his head hurting a little. He looks over the bed for rank 2 (Heeseung's bed), seeing that Heeseung was just there, Jay smiles.
"Hey hyung," Jay says softly.
Picking his head up, Heeseung smiles before replying, "you okay Jongseong?".
"Yeah, nothing more than just another day of practice I guess. You okay Hyung?" Jay replied with some truth.
"I'm good. I showered after I ate and then dove in here to get away for a bit and try and sort my thoughts. It's been a long few months, and I had a lot to sort through mentally. I'm getting there though," Heeseung replied, now sat with his back against the pillows which were laid against the headboard.
Jay hummed in thought as he sat on his bed, casting his eyes downwards, and chewing on his bottom lip lightly, pondering whether or not to share the thoughts he was having regarding the week before. It still kind of bugged him. He was so close to being eliminated and though the global fans pulled through in the end, he couldn't help but feel unnerved by the whole thing.
"What's got you so deep in your thoughts, hm? Anything you want to talk about?" Heeseung says soothingly.
Jay looked up, allowing his eyes to meet his Hyung's. He knew he couldn't hide anything from him; he knows him too well.
"It's about last week. I can't shake the feeling of being 11th, the bottom of the pack where there's no safety net. If you're at the bottom, that's it for this whole thing. You leave, the chance of debut slipping right between your fingers just before you can get a proper grasp of it. It was terrifying hyung," Jay says honestly, as Heeseung nodded, prompting Jay to continue, "I was almost overly confident with myself, let myself go and almost lost this chance entirely. I've worked so hard for almost 3 years to get here, and to have been that close to losing it, I-. I don't know what I would have done. It felt like such a kick in the teeth. A reality check, if you will. It was a lot to process, and me writing those letters... I almost convinced myself that maybe it was time for me to go, and let someone else shine. I'm eternally grateful for the fans for saving me, but I feel at a loss, and I'm just not quite sure what my next steps are that aren't just practice, practice, practice".
"Well you know what you've got to do Jay-ah. You have to prove to everyone your worth. Prove to everyone that those nights you stayed late at the practice studio weren't in vain, and the humiliation you felt before the first test vocally isn't who you are as an artist, a singer, or hopefully, an idol. I know what you're capable of, and so do you. Yes, the result that left you hanging by a thread was terrifying, but most who experience death first-hand and survive throw everything they have at their 2nd chance. You may not have tasted death, but you did go through a shock, something that bothers you still, and for that reason you need to push past those barriers, and fears that have built up, and show everyone watching who Park Jongseong is, and why he deserves to debut," Heeseung says thoughtfully.
"Thank you, Hyung. I honestly want to be Heeseungie-hyung when I grow up," Jay says playfully.
"Nah, you don't want that," Heeseung replied heartily.
The two boys then just descended back into silence. A comfortable silence. Just as they always do. The trust these two have in each other is strong. They may not be the most vocal of pairings about their appreciation for one another, if you pay attention to them, becomes so much easier to see.
"What do you think it'll be like when all of this is over?" Jay poses.
"I really don't know. I have had some thoughts, but I have to focus on the here and now I guess," Heeseung says.
"Well, let's just forget I-Land right now. Let's just imagine that we're back in the BigHit Trainee dorm eating something we shouldn't in the light of our phone screens. Let's just imagine, and let's just imagine debuting. If we get through this, we're guaranteed a debut by the end of this year. The final is a few short weeks away. Hyung, there is so many things that will be able to do once we debut - the places we will be able to go, the people we will be able to meet, the records we will be able to set, the tours we can go on. That turnaround from the final is going to be insane, and not to be too corny, or soppy, but I really wanna debut with you. Just let your brain wander hyung," Jay says in wonder.
"Ok, I'll let my brain wander, just a little. For you," Heeseung says looking over a Jay with a look that read, <just because it's you>, before continuing, "I have thought about debuting so much, and you know that. I never thought I'd be this close. I just couldn't imagine being this close. As you said, it's insane that in like 2 weeks we could be in the debut line up. We could be debuting. All of this hard work for the past few years, and the heart ache I (we) have been through will be over. I can call my family and finally be able to say <mum, dad, hyung, I made it>. JongSeong, you know how long it's been now. Imagine it JongSeong-ah. Imagine it".
Heeseung's face is now lit up, and his bright smile making Jay smile too. He knew he could convince his hyung to participate.
"Damn, now I'm hungry. I miss the food we used to eat when having these conversations," Jay comments.
"Yeah, me too," Heeseung laughs.
"Do you want me to go the pantry and get us something, or should we wait, and go old school?" Jay suggests.
"Yeah, we can go old school. I've been craving a midnight snacks, and an sitting out staring at the stars. K-hyung saw me out there just after we came back, and I had a good conversation with him. He's so cool Jay. The sun wasn't quite down enough for me to get the effect I wanted to though, but maybe I'll get it tonight," Heeseung says.
"Yeah, maybe so. For old time's sake," Jay replies.
"For old time's sake," Heeseung confirms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The clock was now showing 11:03pm, and Sunoo had just dropped off into a deep sleep. Eye lashes fanning his cheeks as he slipped into his unconscious state. This was the gap Heeseung and Jay had to get out, and onto the outside area without waking the top ranked I-Lander.
"Jongseong-ah, let's go. Sunoo's asleep, and everyone else is in bed I believe. Someone might be downstairs but we shouldn't bother him, nor should we see him either," Heeseung informs Jay who was almost asleep himself.
Groggily, Jay sits up from his half-conscious state and removed the duvet. Jay rubbed his eyes and grabbed his glasses putting them on and sighing.
"Huh, what? What time is it?" Jay says sat on the edge of his bed contemplating whether or not it was worth getting out of bed to go sit outside with Heeseung.
"Come on, you can't let me down here. Let's go. We're only going to do this once, and if it's going to be with anyone, I want it to be with you, Jongseong-ah," Heeseung says calmly.
Standing up Jay shakes his head, and starts to walk towards to door to the room.
"Is that a yes then?" Heeseung says gleefully.
"Yes, now let's go before we either wake up Sunoo, or I decide I want to sleep instead," Jay says as he continues towards the door.
The two I-Landers leave the room as quickly and quietly as possible, making sure to not slam any doors, or make too much noise when moving across from the bedrooms to the kitchen area. It's definitely weird walking around this area during the night because during the day this area is bursting with noise, and chatter as the remaining I-landers go on about whatever thoughts they have in their brains. Sometimes it's really deep things, and the soothing of worries, other times it's laughing about something dumb someone has said or done. When this is all over Jay knows that he's going to miss being sat around that table with some of the greatest people he has ever met.
"I'm going to the pantry, do you want anything?" Heeseung asks quietly.
"Knowing you, you'll be getting a couple packs of ramyeon, so get an extra one for me please," Jay replies, trying to keep quiet.
Heeseung pads off to the pantry and then swiftly returns holding 3 packets of ramyeon, and 2 bottles of milk. He then proceed to place them beside the stove as Jay makes his way around the island to meet him. Going into the cupboard, Jay pulls out a pot and turns around, placing in the sink and filling it up with enough water to cook the food as Heeseung prepares the bowls and ramyeon for cooking.
Turning the tap off, Jay picks the pot up and turns around just as Heeseung looks over at him. There's a fondness in his eyes that Jay doesn't quite recognise but feels warm receiving. He places the pot on the stove and allows Heeseung to do the next few steps as he opens his milk, and leans back on the counter.
"Y'know, for as much as this feels familiar, it feels a hell of a lot different too," Jay says, gazing at the floor,
"Oh yeah, how so?" Heeseung asks.
"Well, for a start, we weren't both wearing clothes from the same brand that we had made our own adjustments to in the name of fashion, nor did we make the food we were going to eat by ourselves as we drink milk from a half full pantry we didn't have to stock," Jay begins, now looking directly at his hyung as he continues, "we were both younger, worried if we really had chosen the right path and whether or not you would make it, if I would make it, if both of us would make it, or if neither of us did. Now, we're both so close to making it. This moment just seems to nostalgic but also as if we're standing at the edge of a cliff looking out to the sea of endless possibilities....... Woah, I better stop right here.".
Heeseung laughs as he walks towards Jay and gives him a pat on the back before wrapping an arm around the younger's shoulder.
"You're not wrong though Jongseong-ah. We've been through a lot, and if I had to pick one of the nine remaining here, you'd be my 2nd pick," Heeseung says playfully.
"Yah! 2nd Pick!" Jay whisper shouts, "who comes before me?".
"Sunghoonie, obviously," Heeseung states as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"That's it, I'm going back to bed," Jay says without any bite, or actual movement towards leaving the half embrace he found himself in.
"I'm only joking. You're my first pick. Have been since I knew we were going to be here together. You're stuck with me now Jongseong!" Heeseung says triumphantly,
"If we're honest here hyung, you're the one stuck with me," Jay says throwing playful look at Heeseing.
"Okay, okay, I'm the one stuck with you," Heeseung concedes just as the timer for the ramyeon finishes, "and just like that, this conversation is now over. Shall we bowl-up and roll out?"
"Bowl-up and roll out?" Jay repeats quizzically.
"Well we're not putting the ramyeon on plates are we now? And we can't roll out without the food, that defeats the purpose of us going old school," Heeseung explains as heads to the stove.
Jay smiles before turning around once again turning on the tap and began running some hot water for the pot to be soaked in as they head outside. Picking up the washing up liquid put pour an amount into the sink and puts the plug in so the water level will rise.
It's insane how quickly things change, Jay thinks. This time a year ago, he and Heeseung were just normal trainees who were trying to achieve their dreams but without a clear path or finishing line. They didn't even know the name of the group that they would be going into when this was all over. They knew there was to be 7 members born somewhere between 1997 and 2006, but that was about it. It was simulataneously the scariest and most enticing thing that he had ever partook in, and he's so glad to have gotten this far.
Jay was pulled out his daze by Heeseung patting him on the shoulder and telling him to turn the water off, and grab his food. Reaching forward, Jay turned the tap off before grabbing the pot, putting it into the water then grabbing some chopsticks and a spoon and heading outside to where his hyung was sat.
"So, here we are. The two of us in the final 10 of I-Land. Still together. Still working as hard as we ever did, and more so now we're so close. I can't believe we might make it out from here Jongseong-ah," Heeseung says before starting to eat.
"Yeah, it's insane Hyung. I genuinely cannot believe we've got this far," Jay says looking up the cloudless night sky. Very thankful that the weather hasn't begun to change yet, and that summer is still very much around for right now.
The two sit and eat in silence for the next few minutes as they eat, allowing the nostalgia to wash over them as the familiarity clouds their conscience once again. The breeze causing light goose bumps across the exposed skin of their forearms. As they near the end of their food, they re-enter the current time and space, and they being to start forming proper thoughts.
Heeseung finishes his food first, and lay back on the chair he was sat on before commenting, "I have not felt that full since I last went home and my mum cooked a whole banquet's worth of food,".
Finishing his last mouth full, Jay looks over at his hyung who is rubbing his stomach lightly, a content smiles crawling across his features. His hyung is happy right here, right now and he definitely feels so too. After tonight their bond is stronger. Harder to break.
The air surrounding them settles comfortably, until a dumb question enters Jay's brain. He mulls it over once or twice before ultimately deciding to ask it anyways.
"Hyung, how did you get over and move on once TXT had debuted?" Jay asks.
Illusion: broke. Moment: lost.
"What?" Heeseung asks sitting up from his stretched out position.
Realising what he'd said, Jay stayed quiet, and didn't answer his Hyung's question.
"Jay?" Heeseung asks softly, placing a hand on the other's knee lightly.
"It's nothing. It was a dumb question. A slip of the tongue," Jay says, trying to move past what he had said.
"Hey, hey, there's no such thing as a dumb question when you're with me, unless I know you know the answer. You were asking about TXT weren't you?" Heeseung reassured as Jay nodded at his question, "I can't lie and say it was easy watching them debut. I had trained with them for a while at the original BigHit building but when they went to the US and we moved buildings I didn't really see them anymore. It sucked. I missed them. We had quite a few good times together, and then we were no longer together. It wasn't really that long until they debuted after that time either. There was a lot of hype for their debut and I couldn't really escape it. I got through it eventually by thinking that if they can make it, so can I. If anything, seeing them go from strength to strength as trainees and then from strength to strength as debuted idols gave me some sort of motivation, I knew there things I could do to improve, so I did. There was so many things I could improve on, little by little. Month by month. Every evaluation getting that little bit better. I no longer feel sad. I am no longer having a hard time. I'm now genuinely happy for them and I hope to join them on stage as soon as possible."
"Wow, your outlook on things is genuinely inspiring hyung. You can definitely make it with a mindset like that," Jay says happily.
"I'm glad you think that Jay-ah," Heeseung says as he leans away from his dongsaeng.
"No, don't go all shy on me now Hyung," Jay laughs as Heeseung lets out a small laugh and sat back in a more comfortable position.
"I've missed this you know. It's been a long time since we've done this and I hope we can continue to do this as we go on. I don't want us to be split up Jonseong-ah. You know how you were scared that you would leave last week?" Heeseung asks, looking Jay dead in the eye.
"Yeah, it was terrifying," Jay says with a small laugh of remembrance.
"Well you weren't the only one that was scared. When K-hyung and I were having that conversation just after we came back, we both spoke about how we both wanted to debut with you. He asked me a lot of about our days before here, about our friendship, and about the how me, you and Sunghoon came together. I then had another conversation with him a little bit after. I then saw and spoke to Sunghoon who came to me because he was worried to. Words can't explain how happy I was when you ended up 3rd. Nothing meant more. I'm so proud of you Jongseong-ah," Heeseung says honestly, and from a place of truth; he truly was worried for his friend then, and he doesn't want to imagine a debut group that doesn't include Park Jongseong.
Unable to form words of his own to reply, Jay pulls his hyung into a hug. Holding his hyung as tight as he can because he realises now how strong their bond truly is and how much they've grown and changed together. How much he would hate to debut without his hyung by his side. He feels Heeseung's arm wrap around him, and the warmth that he gets from his hyung seeps through his shirt. It's not cold out, but Jay is thankful for the warmth this hug is providing to his soul. It was something he needed, but didn't realise until this moment right here.
"I have one major wish for you and I, Hyung," Jay smiles.
"What's that?" Heeseung wonders, hooking his chin over Jay's shoulder and loosening his grip ever so lightly.
"That we'll debut together, and be friends for a thousand years,".