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If he was able to go back and redo it, he honestly didn’t know what he would change, if he would change anything at all. Maybe he would make sure he had never played Träumerei that time. Maybe e would change the fact he kept going to Jung Kyung over the years. Maybe he would make it so he never met Song Ah in the first place. He never would have to go through everything to begin with.
Except just thinking about never meeting Song Ah leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.
If he never met her then he would have never realized his own feelings towards, well, everything. He would still be stuck in an unrequited love that wasn’t really love. He would still be playing the piano without any emotions. He knew he would have ended up hating music; had been halfway there anyways. Song Ah was the one who showed him just how much he was suppressing himself. He would never want to go back to how he was, even if it meant not going through all this turmoil.
Song Ah helped him so much in being able to find himself again and he wouldn’t trade that for anything.
No, if he could go back, he probably wouldn’t change anything. He would much rather experience it all again than even the slightest chance of never meeting Song Ah.
So as it was right now, he was really hoping Song Ah would accept him once more. During the time they were apart, it really put a strain on him mentally. With everything accumulating together he almost couldn’t bear the weight of it all. He honestly wanted to give up, to just let it crush him. Then he would think of Song Ah and he’d be able to continue.
Even if it was just to get up in the mornings.
The days stretched on. Long and almost grueling, with him on autopilot most of the time. He goes through the motions he needs to, but on the inside he was blank. That was how he continued until he couldn’t, most days ending with him passing out into a dreamless haze. Then came the day of Song Ah’s recital and suddenly he couldn’t hold back what he felt anymore.
Performing on stage with her felt like a dream come true. He felt every note and chord course through him. The connection between them through the bars was tangible. He could feel it. This was his apology to her as well as his confession. He could only hope she felt his sincerity in every press of the keys.
He was breathing hard at the end of the performance, heart beating in his chest. He barely registered the applause as they bowed, focus solely on Song Ah as they exited the stage.
He knew before, but it really hit him then just how much he truly loved Song Ah.
Past all the hardships, past all the grievances, past all the insecurities and sadness, Joon Young loved Song Ah. It was plain and simple. He loved her.
It felt good to say it out loud, to actually say it to her in person. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed she didn’t know how to reply to him, but he understood. His actions, her actions, and everything in between that transpired—it all had their own consequences. He knew that but it didn’t diminish what he felt. This wasn’t something he said on a whim.
It was deep and heavy and he just wanted her to know.
She asked for him to wait, to sort out all of her feelings, to see if she could put her trust in him once more. It was probably the least he could do for her, just happy that she didn’t immediately shut him down. He could do that, he could give her time, anything, just so long as she was willing to still talk to him. He could be a friend—just a friend—regardless of how much he wanted to be more.
He agreed to wait.
So wait he did.
Each passing day still felt long, but no longer as suffocating as it was when they didn’t speak. He could finally breathe even if each breath was bated as he held on for Song Ah’s decision. He never brought it up to her, not wanting her to feel pressured, and he honestly was just glad to have her company again. They walked and talked, but kept a distance appropriate to that of just friends.
As much as he wanted to close that distance and hold her close, he would respect her request. So instead, he would shove his clenched fists in his pockets and sit across from her instead of next to her. It tore at him that he wasn’t able to hug her or press kisses to her head, but that was the result of the choices they made.
He just hoped she would find it in her somewhere to give him her hear once gain. If she did, he would do everything in his power to make sure she would never have reason to take it back.
When he gave her tickets to the performance, it was in hopes she would attend, of course, but nothing else. He wanted her to hear him play, to know his emotions he could only properly convey through his music. It wasn’t to pressure her or anything like that, but he really hoped she would come.
It stung a little when he looked up and she wasn’t anywhere to be found.
He stood in the dressing room afterwards, alone, praying for a miracle to happen and she would come knocking on his door. When it came, his nerves were on edge only for his spirit to drop when it wasn’t her. He acknowledged the worker, saying he’ll be finished up soon, mind numb as she closed the door.
Well, it’s not as though he really expected her to come find him after. He held out hope though.
So when he turned around at another knock, preparing for another one of the concert hall’s workers, time seemed to go in slow motion. Suddenly nothing else in the world mattered as Song Ah walked in, delicate and slender as always. He vision was filled with her and nothing else.
Many things were going through his mind at that moment. Speculations on why she chose now to see him or maybe if she was just a figment of his hopeless desperation to see her. His mind was abuzz with emotions, thoughts racing, until he was just happy to see her regardless of why she was there. With is heart in his throat, he greeted her, unsure of what else to say.
Then she started talking and his stomach dropped when she said she came here as a friend. It fell even more when she continued with saying that she realized she couldn’t be friends with him. His heart was beginning to shatter at the edges. He didn’t want to listen but she continued on anyways. His body wouldn’t move as he saw the tears form, and it was like he was spectating their conversation as a third party outside of his own body.
He wanted to move, talk, beg, anything.
Then she spoke, tears rolling down, words forming like a supernova in the air between them.
“I love you.”
He didn’t dare breathe, unsure if he made even the slightest movement she would take back her words and run away. He just stood and watched her as the tears kept falling in a maddening juxtaposition to what she was saying.
“I love you, Joon Young sshi.”
She took in a shuddering breath and whatever spell was cast over him broke, and he was finally able to move. He swept her into is his arms, holding her as close as he could, and kissed her with as much emotion that he could pack in. It was desperate, salty with her still flowing tears, but he pushed further into her anyways.
It didn’t magically repair the damages that were caused and the wounds that were made, but it was a start. There would be hard conversations in the near future, possibly some more tears being shed, but he figures that would be what it takes to begin to right all the wrongs.
For now, however, he held Song Ah in his arms, repeating her words back to her, and his heart on its way to being whole once more.