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It all started at the end of fifth grade with a game of spin the bottle, a kiss and a rumor.
Dani Clayton wasn’t a fan of parties, but after being peer pressured into going to Rebecca Jessel’s end of year bash by her quote on quote boyfriend and group of friends, she went, dragging Jamie along with her. Jamie made everything better after all and the bribery of pizza made the petite brunette relent, this was important after all- they were going into the sixth grade after all, it was a big deal.
But it’s stupid Peter Quint that came up with the idea to play spin the bottle. She wondered if it was because of Eddie, she saw the two of them talking while she was getting a slice of pizza with Jamie. Eddie was pushy, asking her to kiss him, they were ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ after all.
So, when they all settle in a circle and all take turns spinning the coke bottle, there are giggles and whistles, but it all dies down when Dani has her turn. She watches it spin and spin and spin until it lands on the person across from her, her best friend, her Jamie. Dani’s face pales and her eyes flick up to Jamie who’s freckled cheeks are a bright pink.
“That doesn’t count!” Eddie reaches over to grab the bottle, Peter stopping him with a conniving smirk. “C’mon, Peter, let her spin it again.”
The other boy shrugs. “What can I say, rules are rules, go on Dani.”
“You don’t have to.” Jamie whispers but Dani wants to, she really wants to. She never wanted to kiss Eddie, but now the thought of kissing Jamie. It made her heart flipflop in her chest, her belly swarm with a flock of butterflies.
Dani leans across the small circle, closing her eyes and kisses her. It was just a game after all, right? A simple brush against her lips, a peck of a kiss, but Dani feels on cloud nine for those few seconds until Jamie pulls away, clearing her throat and red as a beet and Dani just looks dumbfounded. Why did she want to do it again?
“Okay Bex, you’re turn!” She hears Peter call out as her arm is tugged back by Eddie, he has this angry look on his face, but she doesn’t care because her eyes meet with Jamie’s grey ones. She’s still pink but has this smirk on her face.
Eddie’s angry, he pulls her outside afterwards. She wants to find Jamie, talk to her, ask her what that was about, but she can’t because Eddie’s in control and he’s mad. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done!” He growls and Dani is confused. “People aren’t gonna be your friend, Dani- you don’t want them thinking that your- gay.” He says the last word with a whisper full of venom. “You’re my girlfriend.”
And Eddie’s right, rumors swirl at their private school and god, kids are cruel. She can’t handle the whispers, the glares, the giggles, the stares and it’s all because of that game, that kiss and how it stirred something inside of her, so much so that she kisses Eddie- just to see if she’d get that feeling again and when nothing happens, she knows what she has to do. After all, she was well known in school and she was supposed to be perfect, her mother made sure of that and having Jamie as a friend probably wasn’t the best idea.
It happens at recess; Dani has had enough of the names and the teasing. She wasn’t gay and Eddie would make her feel the way she was supposed to, right? So, she takes Jamie by the hand and brings her over to another group of kids, they were a weird group. Hannah and Owen were outcasts with their immature games that were for children, they are on the bleachers outside and Jamie is asking where they were going, but Dani is stone faced as she climbs the bleachers, Jamie stumbling behind her. “Dani, what’s going on?” The other girl asks her, confused.
“Excuse me!” Dani speaks shrilly, almost wincing at the sound of her own voice.
Hannah and Owen look up from their colorful card game, it had something to do with magic and Dani would be lying if she said it didn’t look interesting.
“Oh- um,” Hannah looks over at her friend. “Hi?”
Dani lets go of Jamie’s hand, suddenly missing the contact because- they fit perfectly together. She shook that thought from her head as she pushes Jamie forward. “She’s your problem now.” Dani puts on her best strong voice and she catches the heartbreak on Jamie’s face as she turns on her heal, her blonde braid whipping around.
“Dani?” Jamie’s voice breaks, Dani can hear the hurt in her voice. “Dani!” She calls out and Dani has to be strong, she can’t have people thinking-
“No, Jamie- you can’t be friends with us!” Dani turns around and spits out with such malice and it scares her because she knows she’s not a mean person and she catches the look on Jamie’s face. She had never seen Jamie cry out of hurt feelings before, but there were tears in her eyes. “Just leave me alone, okay!” She shouts now, swallowing her own tears as she turns around and storms away.
Eddie had been so proud of her, and Peter even congratulated her because. ‘We don’t need some charity case like that around us.’
Rebecca however didn’t meet her eyes, Rebecca got up from their spot on the yard and walked past her muttered. ‘I am so disappointed in you.’
That is a day that Dani still remembers vividly after six years. It sometimes will keep her up at night, even more so when she runs into Jamie at school. They were older now, seniors in high school, Jamie stuck to Owen and Hannah, but she also became Dani’s sworn enemy. Jamie was relentless with her comments as Dani would pass her, earning laughter form her two friends. Dani would do her best to give her the best scowl she could give her, but- she would catch her steely green eyes and that smirk playing on those beautiful red lips and she would sputter, unable to come up with a comeback. Eddie would glare at her, tell her to fuck off and wrap an arm around Dani as they walked off. Dani hated that, how Eddie wouldn’t even give her a chance to confront Jamie. He always had to be the one to do that and it made her feel less of a person and more of a possession.
Dani found herself growing bored of their relationship. His touch wouldn’t activate sparks, his kiss didn’t make her see those fireworks. Well she didn’t get the big deal about being in a relationship nothing about Eddie made her feel the way that all the girls would talk about. So, it’s why she finds Rebecca at lunch and rushes out the question. “How come I feel nothing when Eddie touches me? Like nothing, no sparks, I feel like I’m kissing sandpaper half the time and-”
“It sounds like he doesn’t know what he is doing.”
Dani knows that smooth voice, it’s the same one who taunts her every morning, the voice that belongs to the girl that sits in front of her in home room, the same girl who had that adorable mole on the side of that elegant neck that Dani often stared at, that closed off part of her brain taking over wondering what it’d be like to kiss that neck. “Jamie?”
Rebecca sighs. “You know, you could have started this off with, ‘Hi Rebecca, how’s your day been going’ that would have been nice.”
Blue eyes meet grey and Dani straightens. “I didn’t realize that you two still hung out.”
Jamie hums. “Well you might be a bitch, but Becca here knows good people when she sees one, Princess.” She has this glint in her eyes. “Trouble in paradise, eh? Like I said, Eddie doesn’t know shit about women.”
Dani is bright pink and Rebecca has this amused look on her face as the Jamie just sits there and tears apart her relationship. “Eddie is- he’s a good guy and I” Dani’s trying, she really is, but to say that she sometimes thinks about Jamie’s lips on hers. “He’s trying.”
“So that would be a no.”
“I’m sorry that we all can’t get around like you do, Jamie.”
However, Jamie doesn’t flinch, she gets up from her spot with that stupid fucking smirk and gets close to Dani until she’s invading her senses. That smell of mint toothpaste and light tobacco, or the sweet smell of her shampoo, what was that jasmine? It was sweet, intoxicating and all Jamie. She tries to stop the way she sends a delightful chill down her spin when she gets close and whispers lowly in her ear. “Just can’t help it, women are beautiful. Ain’t nothing wrong with it.” She backs away from her just a bit, she scans Dani’s now flushed face. “See you in English, princess.”
Dani wants to glare at her when she walks off, but she can’t manage it. However, Rebecca picks up on it and gives a small laugh. “You’re gonna out yourself, you know, that right?”
“I don’t know what you-” Dani sputters as she spins around. “I don’t, I’m not-”
“Uh-huh.” Rebecca duly picks at her salad. “Whatever makes you sleep at night, D.”
Dani feels flustered because okay, maybe she has wondered- no she knows that there is a possibility. She said it in her head, but never out loud. “I’m going to marry Eddie when we graduate.” She states and Rebecca cocks a brow.
“You know,” The other girl begins. “I’ll never forget when the lot of you showed up to Bly. All we could think was why the hell did this pack of Americans show up- must be Mormons.”
“Becca, I already told you-”
Rebecca waves her off. “Yeah, yeah, I know- you came here because your fathers got transferred from the Wingrave law firm in the states to the one here. I always found it strange though when you and Eddie joined our group how Eddie latched on to you but you? You always had eyes for Jamie, ever since we were kids.” Rebecca sighs as Dani begins to gnaw at the skin of her thumb. “Dani, you’re my best friend and you know I love you, but you need to be honest with yourself- I mean you aren’t exactly subtle in homeroom, or in the hallway, or in English, or gym, or-”
Dani shifts, she doesn’t want to talk about this, not now. “Becca, I- you- I love Eddie and besides, Jamie is my bully.”
At this Rebecca starts to crack up. “Love, Jamie is not your bully, you are her bully.”
“I don’t know what-”
“You’ve been her bully ever since fifth year, ever since you pawned her off. That fucked her up, Dani, it fucked her up big time.” Rebecca explains as she gathers her things. “And you need to look deep in yourself to figure out why you don’t feel anything with Eddie. You say you love him, yeah? But it’s not the right kinda love- trust me, I know from years and years of Peter’s bullshit.” Her friend gives her a small pat on her shoulder. “Maybe it’s time to pull the plug.”
“That would break him.”
“Yeah, but that would free you. If it wasn’t from his Quint like bigotry, you’d be the girl that Jamie is currently flirting with.”
Dani’s eyes follow Rebecca’s gaze to see Jamie talking to a girl in the quad. She’s smiling brightly, beautifully- no actually yes, Jamie’s smile was always lovely and she felt that pang of jealously, something that she always felt when she saw Jamie flirting with a girl or holding another girls hand or- “Oh shit, I like Jamie.” Dani whispers out and Rebecca nods her head. “I don’t hate her, I’m just-”
“Incredibly frustrated and extremely jealous?” Rebecca finishes and Dani nods. “Look, I’ve been watching you two going back and forth for years and am super surprised I don’t have whiplash from it. Just, figure yourself out and try to talk to her.”
And that’s what Dani does; she doesn’t break it off with Eddie- not just yet. However, when Jamie throws an insult her way, Dani doesn’t retaliate, and she stops Eddie from saying a word. She does however get a chance to look over her shoulder to see the puzzled look on Jamie’s face that grows when Dani sends her a smile. She can easily see her mouth a ‘What the Fuck.’ Before she turns her head forward, pretending to listen to Eddie’s story about his dog getting loose this morning.
She’s more distracted though in homeroom. Jamie takes her seat in front of Dani and Dani is entranced with the way Jamie runs her hands through her curly hair, twirls a strand on her finger and Dani sighs while Eddie talks about- something, she has no idea. All Dani could think about at this moment with the girl in front of her and how she wished that it was her running her fingers through Jamie’s soft curls.
“Dani, Dani? Are you listening to me?”
Dani breaks her trance and turns around to see Eddie looking over his rounded glasses at her. “I’m sorry, I-”
“Alright everyone, settle down!” It was Ms. Llyod’s entrance that saved her from her fake excuse. The woman was a powerhouse, married the headmaster of the school, made him take her name because ‘fuck the system’ and pretty much ran the school’s art department with an iron fist. “So as December creeps upon us, we need to get started on the Christmas Pageant. Now all year I tried to figure out who to make in charge of the one thing our school is known for, and I know I managed to pick the two best people based off their talents and the clubs they lead. So, Danielle Clayton and Jamie Taylor. The fate of the school’s legacy is in your hands. I suggest that you two ladies start planning. Being that Danielle, you lead the drama club and Jamie you manage the art club, it’s a good pick. Don’t let us down.”
Now while Ms. Llyod could be dramatic, Dani knew what a big deal the Christmas play was for Bly Academy. The school was known for their over top nativity scene with live animals and freaking stunts. “Also, Dani you have a gift with children. I need the best to reign in the younger ones and I don’t know, help them carry a note. You heard last year’s performance of away in a manger?” Ms. Llyod shook her head. “So pitchy- maybe we can have that American acapella group come in-” She trails off and Eddie raises his hand.
“Ms. Llyod, didn’t your daughter have a solo for that song?” Eddie asks and Dani doesn’t miss the scoff the teacher gives him.
“Yes, and she was terrible O’Mara, it’s why Dani has been giving her vocal lessons.” Ms. Llyod explains. “And she’s been doing so much better, lets hope Izzy doesn’t butcher whatever set list is chosen this year.” Her steely blue eyes find Jamie and Dani. “I’m counting on you ladies.”
As Ms. Llyod turns to have her daily fight with the smart board, Jamie turns around. She looks, well she looks pissed off, annoyed, any word to describe distance, that was what Jamie was right now. “Looks like I’m stuck with you, Princess.” Out of the corner of Dani’s eye she sees the glare on Eddie’s face. “We should get started today.” She dully adds while looking at her short nails. “After school?”
Eddie answers before Dani can even open her mouth “Um, she has plans.”
Dani can’t help but the glare she gives him. “Eddie, this is a little more important then me watching you play video games. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to cancel.”
“Wow, you were going to spend your time watching him play video games?” Jamie comments, “What a waste of time.”
“No one asked you,” Eddie barks. “You nast-”
“Hey!” Dani’s sharp tone stops him from even getting the insult out. “Enough, leave her alone and no Eddie, hang out with Peter or something. You can function one afternoon without me.”
Dani catches the look of shock on both Jamie and Eddie’s face and then the satisfied smirk that graced Jamie’s lips that disappeared as soon as it came. “3:30, at the café at the end of the street, don’t be late or I’m gone- princess.” She gives her a final look over. “And don’t be weird.” Jamie adds before she turns back around.
She keeps repeating that in her head, ‘3:30, café down the street and don’t be late’. She hadn’t been alone with Jamie since they were kids because of the feud that Dani started herself. Dani goes through the rest of the day with Eddie sulking and stealing glances at Jamie who was still giving her weird looks when she would catch her and Rebecca? Well Rebecca was eating it up. She’s sitting with her at lunch and Eddie is no where to be seen, off sulking probably after their little tiff earlier.
‘Maybe I should go with you this afternoon,” He suggests after class. ‘I think it’s for the best.’
Dani turns to look at him. ‘It’s not a big deal, I can handle Jamie.’
Eddie scoffs, clearly annoyed. ‘Dani if you are seen with her, people are going to think- everyone knows she’s a lesbian. Besides, you two have a history.’
She can’t stop her eyes from rolling, she knows what he was talking about. He had this weird obsessive jealously that Jamie had been Dani’s first kiss. He brought it up every once and a while. ‘Eddie,’ She tries to unclench her jaw. ‘Again, I don’t need you there to hold my hand and frankly, I don’t want you there.’
He stops in his tracks. ‘What do you mean you don’t want me there.’
‘I mean that we don’t always have to be around each other, you’ve been a bit clingier since Bex and Peter broke up and it’s annoying.’ Dani can’t believe that she just let that thought burst from her mouth and Eddie looks, well even more mad. ‘Just please, you know how Ms. Llyod is. I’ll text you when I get home alright?’
‘Whatever Danielle.’ Eddie growled as he stopped off, leaving Dani with the start of a splitting headache.
‘It’s like dealing with a toddler.’ She muttered to herself.
“You need to control your obvious thirst, Clayton.” Rebecca’s points out. “You’ve been staring at Jamie for the past 15 minutes and I’m pretty sure she noticed.”
Dani shakes her head, blink and then lets go of the fork she had been griping. Yes, she had let her gaze wander toward Jamie and the girl she had on her lap. It wasn’t the same girl from the other day, it was new one. Holly something, she didn’t know, but Dani felt herself grow increasing jealous of the raven-haired beauty who was running her hands along Jamie’s jaw. Of course, Jamie caught her staring and of course Jamie had to make it worse by kissing the other girls’ neck.
She slams the fork down, cause Rebecca to jump a bit. “She does know that PDA isn’t allowed on campus, right?” She goes to get up. “I’m gonna tell her.”
However, Rebecca stops her by grabbing the back of her cardigan and pulling her back. “No, no you’re not. You are going to sit down, eat your lunch and think about what you are going to say to her later today- and you’re also going to tell me about your fight with Eddie.” She gives a sigh at the sight of her friend’s clenched jaw and shakes her head. “Dani, ease up. You’re going to chip a tooth.”
Dani does what she asks and sits down in a huff. Anything, anything at all to get her mind off the woman five tables over. “He’s mad because I won’t let him come with me later.”
“Eddie hates the school play, always had.” Rebecca points out.
“Yeah, but Jamie and I have never been paired up to run it before. He’s nervous that she’ll whisk me away or something.” Dani sighs, that headache coming back on. “He still can’t let go of that game of spin the bottle.”
Rebecca looks over at her, smiling around her can of soda. “I think he has a right to be nervous, I mean granted, you have a lot of damage control to do and that, I can’t help you with. Sorry, D.”
Dani rubs her temples as Rebecca get up from her spot. “But text me later, let me know how it goes. I want details.”
The café at the end of the street is owned by Owen’s family. It’s a nice little place that was already coming together for Christmas. She pushed the door open, the bell above jingling as she did and Mrs. Sharma takes her to a small booth near one of the windows and hands her a menu. “I’m meeting someone here so-”
“Blondie, wow. You’re early.” Jamie looks over the older woman’s shoulder to see Jamie. Her hair is a bit wild, no coat even though it was freezing outside and her canvas schoolbag hanging carelessly off her shoulder. “Thought you’d buckle under the pressure of your boyfriend.” She walks around Mrs. Sharma giving the woman a hug as she sits down across from Dani. “He didn’t follow you here, did he? To keep an eye on you, wouldn’t want you to catch the gay.”
“Jamie.” Mrs. Sharma scolds, wagging a finger at her. “Come on now, be nice.”
“Hm, nice isn’t something that happens between me and this princess over here, ain’t it?” Jamie points out and Dani ducks her head in shame. “What’s good today?”
Dani wants to duck under the table at Mrs. Sharma’s curious gaze. Not many people actually knew what happened between Dani and Jamie, but if anyone would now, it would be Owen’s mom. Most adults in Bly loved Dani. She was the lead in every play, babysat, taught their children piano and guitar, sang in the church choir. Jamie on the other hand was known as the troublemaker, sassy, frequently talking back to adults. Dani felt guilty, she knew she help build that closed off attitude that Jamie sported today.
“Well, the special today is my famous shepherd’s pie.” The older woman explains.
“Oh yeah, that sounds good, and a coke too. Thank you so much, Mrs. Sharma.” Jamie folds up the menu and hands it back.
“What about you love?”
Dani looks down at her menu in front of her, it sounded terrible, but Eddie always insisted on ordering for her. He called it chivalry, Dani thought of it as controlling with his ‘she’ll have the salad with lemon water,’ or ‘the salmon with asparagus for the little woman’ even better ‘nothing heavy for this one, c’mon babe, you don’t need that milkshake.’
So, she freezes because Eddie isn’t here, and that Shepard’s pie sounds amazing. Her eyes flick up to see Jamie looking at her carefully and Dani clears her throat. “I’ll have the same thing-” but she feels rebellious. “And a milkshake too.” It was small, but a good fuck you to Eddie. “Thank you so much.”
“Not a problem, I’ll be out with your food shortly. Have fun.”
Jamie makes sure the woman’s out of ear shot before she beings to talk. “What’s been up with you lately?” Dani wonders how long the question has been burning at her. “You’re more- blinky than usual.” Her brows furrow. “Still upset about you’re failing relationship?”
“Jamie,” Dani warns. “We should- we should really get to work; you know how Ms. Llyod can be and she expects at least half of a set list.”
“Yeah, we’ll get to that, but I want to know why you’ve been staring at me. It’s weird, well weirder than you’re usual weird and you haven’t cracked one insult my way.” She suddenly puts her flannel over her mouth and nose. “You’re not sick, are you.”
Yeah, she’s sick, lovesick that is with the girl currently across from her. “No I’m fine, just- I think that, no I want to end our feud.” She watches as Jamie’s eyebrows almost jump up her face. “I- I know what I did to you was terrible and we’re graduating this year so, I mean I don’t know.” She takes a deep breath when Jamie doesn’t say anything. “I mean I know firsthand that I need your forgiveness and-”
“Let’s just,” Jamie clears her throat. “Start the set list, yeah?”
Dani’s face falls. “Y-yeah, we can do that.”
Rebecca was right, this would take a lot of damage control.
Dani never had been so full in her life. Mrs. Sharma knew her way around a shepherd’s pie. Their empty plates are stacked at the end of the table and Dani is on her second milkshake, earning a smirk from Jamie who steals a dollop of whip cream from the top.
“So, we should keep the simple songs for the little gremlins. Away in a Manger, Little Drummer Boy, The First Noel, Joy to the World, you know the ones where there is no way they can stumble over the words.” Jamie lists off. “Maybe get the older ones to do the more complicated ones and you know we have to end as a school with Silent Night.” Jamie taps her pencil against the notebook. “Then we gotta find real fuckin’ animals. I have no idea how we are going to pull that one off.”
“You mean after Peter was kicked by the donkey?” Dani asks, unable to surpass her laugh. “Or when the sheep decided to headbutt Eddie. You know I had no idea that sheep did that.”
Jamie joins in with her laughter. “Well they had to coming.”
“I know, who stands there on stage and just teases poor animals.” Dani asks as she catches the straw and sips on her milkshake, her cheeks going pink when she catches Jamie’s gazing at her lips. “Well, they did.” She answers her own question. “I swear, I sometimes feel like a babysitter towards my own boyfriend.”
“Well,” Jamie clears her throat after being caught. “I mean he has the brain power of a rabbit. Actually, I shouldn’t insult rabbits like that. I don’t know how you put up with it.” She pauses.
“I’m actually breaking up with him” Dani admits off handedly and then her eyes go wide when she realizes what she said. “I uh- wow, haven’t admitted that to anyone.”
Jamie leans back in the cushioned seat of the booth. “I’ll be damned, you’re serious?”
And Dani nods, feeling a huge pressure off her chest. “Yeah, I just can’t keep doing it- putting up with him and having to pretend-” She stops herself.
“Pretend about what?” Jamie asks and Dani shakes her head.
“I- it’s nothing.” She puts a smile on her face. “I do agree with you though, I think Hannah and Owen would make a wonderful Mary and Joseph.”
“Uh-huh, yeah. Wonderful. So, when is this breakup happening?” Jamie asks and Dani rubs her lips together.
“Friday, I just need to get the rest of his things together. It’ll be nice, he needs to grow, and I need that freedom.” Dani softly says as she pushes around the metal straw. “He’s not going to take it well.”
Jamie scoffs. “Remember when we were eight and he wasn’t allowed to take home the class stuffed animal. I never seen someone get that upset about a fuckin’ toy.” She starts to laugh. “I mean the guy is eight fuckin’ years old and he is threatening to sue the teacher.”
And Dani decides that Jamie is really pretty when she smiles or laughs. Her nose has this adorable habit of scrunching up, her eyes smile with her, Jamie was a pretty girl- a pretty girl that Dani was slowly coming to terms with having a crush on. A pretty girl who was helping her come to terms with the fact that she isn’t attracted to boys.
“Ah, I have no idea what you saw in him, Poppins.”
They both freeze at that nickname and Jamie looks like she regrets it the moment it came out of her mouth. It had been Dani’s obsession with the musical and a Halloween costume that earned her the nickname. She still had the picture. Dani dressed as Mary Poppins, Jamie as Bert and Eddie as a penguin since he always had to be involved. “I should go, it’s getting late and Mikey is going to need help with bedtime so,” Jamie hurriedly rushes as she gathers her things and puts down some money for their food. “Um, tomorrow 3:30 in the auditorium. We have to get the old props out to see what needs fixing”
“Jamie-”
“See you in homeroom.”
She feels her stomach drop as Jamie leaves and Dani decides- she can’t wait till Friday.
Eddie doesn’t take it well. First, he laughs because, well he thought she was pranking him, then confusion sets in because, why, what did he do? Then anger, he chucks his controller into his bed and then has a freaking tantrum and then sadness. He cries and boy does he cry, like full up sobs and Dani just stands at his door because she has no idea what to do, until Mrs. O’Mara comes rushing into the room. “What’s going on here?”
“There’s someone else isn’t there?” Eddie wails and Dani flinches as Mrs. O’Mara asks what happened. “She broke up with me mom, there is someone else.”
Well, he had her there. There was someone else, but that someone didn’t know that she had feelings for her, but she can’t stop her real answer that pours from her lips. “It’s because I’m gay!” She stomps her foot on the ground. “I’m a lesbian and there is no changing that and by breaking up with you, I’m freeing you, what don’t you understand about that?”
Silence, pure silence and then a: “Not you’re not” From Eddie. There is a hint of venom in his words and Dani tries her best not to curl into herself. “You’ve never been with a girl, how could you even know?”
“Because I-” She stops, she stops because she doesn’t need to give him an answer, he doesn’t even deserve an answer and he picks up on that, brow eye narrow and he shakes his head.
“It’s Jamie isn’t it?”
Yes, it was Jamie, but at the same time it wasn’t just Jamie. It was Annie Walton in Sunday school who she always let her share her scented markers, it was Claire Garland in second grade who she always got the best scooter for during gym class, it was Kristin Sutherland in the 3rd grade who’s toy chest she hid in to avoid moving to England, and it was Jamie Taylor in the summer before sixth grade who had been her first kiss. There were others in between, because since she could remember, she crushed on girls and only girls. Now it was Jamie, maybe it always had been Jamie since that fateful night.
“It’s none of your business.”
Dani glances over at Judy O’Mara. She looks shocked, maybe even hurt and she feels more upset about disappointing her than Eddie. “Dani, I think you should really think this over.”
She shakes her head “I’m sorry, Mrs. O’Mara, I can’t-” She doesn’t want to break down, to let the tears that were burning her eyes fall. “I can’t keep doing this.”
“I understand,” The older woman swallows and nods her head. “Then maybe you should leave.” There isn’t any spite in her voice or anger, not like Eddie’s. “Just so things don’t get worse.”
“And if you don’t think I won’t keep this from anyone at school-” Eddie beings but Mrs. O’Mara glares at him.
“If you say a word about it, you’re done, understand me? Dani, go home. I’ll handle this.”
And Dani does as she says, she feels a bit lighter- however she can’t help the feeling of dread. What if Mrs. O’Mara couldn’t stop Eddie from outing her?
She swallows that fear though and goes to school the next day. Her uniform is a little rumbled and her hair is a bit of a mess and everyone seems to quiet down as she passes by them in the hallway. Her stomach drops because that could only mean that Eddie did it, so she takes a deep breath before going into homeroom and takes her seat, glancing behind her to only see that Eddie was missing and he doesn’t even show up after the late bell.
Jamie however does, she seems to waltz into the room with this shit eating grin on her face. They lock eyes for a moment and Dani’s face heats up. Oh lord, she knows, she has to know. She knows and she is going to take advantage of it. She takes her spot in front of Dani and turns around to talk to her. “So, what happened to Friday?”
“Wh-what?” Dani sputters.
“Friday, you said yesterday that you were going to wait from Friday to break up with Eddie.” Jamie coolly explains. “Something changed your mind.”
Dani picks at her nail and shrugs. More like someone changed her mind and that someone was currently expecting an answer. “I think it was the freeing notion of being able to order my own meal yesterday.”
Jamie smirks, she knows, she’s not buying it and she knows. “Alright.”
“Wait, Jamie.” Dani interjects says before the brunette could turn around. “How did you know that we broke up?”
She shrugs. “Whole school knows, he apparently removed your name from his Instagram and changed the picture, posted some sad quote and then when Alice Pringle asked what happened he said ‘we broke up’ with this pouty face emoji.”
“And that’s all he said?” Dani slowly asked and Jamie eyes her.
“What else would he have to say?” She asks and Dani shakes her head. Again, Dani feels like Jamie is looking into her soul, like she knows she is hiding something. Suddenly though, Jamie extends her hand towards Dani’s head, mainly her hair and god- she is so close that Dani can smell the floral scent of her perfume as she leans over to only pluck a potato chip out of her hair.
A sly smile is on those lovely ruby lips. “Rough night?”
“You don’t know the half of it.”
Jamie looks her up and down again as Ms. Llyod walks into the classroom. “Just pull yourself together by 3:30” She sighs before turning around, putting up that barrier that Dani helped build.
The day comes and goes, Eddie doesn’t come into school, not that she blames him and Peter glare at her from across the library which was creepy. Rebecca is all over her, jumping around, asking for details and reasonably pales when she told her that she pretty much threw herself out of the closet in front of her ex and his mother.
“Well did if feel good?” Rebecca asks as she unwraps her sandwich.
“Which part, breaking his heart or his mother’s?” Dani asks, a bit sadly. She really liked Mrs. O’Mara, she was a steady presence in her life, it wasn’t like her mom didn’t try- she did. She just worked a lot and when she came home, she enjoyed a glass, or two, or the whole bottle of wine.
Rebecca shakes her head. “No, saying it out loud, being honest with yourself.”
Dani pauses, looking down at her burger and smiles. “Yeah, yeah it did.”
This time however, when Dani looks up, she sees Jamie looking at her. Her stormy eyes studying her as she as played around with a fry, Dani tries to send a smile her way, only to be met with a scoff and an eyeroll.
Dani finds her in the auditorium at 3:30, some people from the art club are there as Jamie walks between the props that were brought out. She has a clip board her hands while she chews on the end of her pen. She points certain things out, damages and chipped paint and then she looks up and spots Dani who was setting her bag down on one of the chairs. “Alright, so get Hannah and Owen’s measurements and find Ms. Llyod to double check if her sister’s baby is going to be Jesus- also here is a list. I need garland and a lot for the little gremlins’ halos.” They look at each other and Jamie shoos them off. “Well go on, do you need me to spell it out for you?”
And Dani tries not to laugh as they scatter like ants. Jamie licks her lips for a moment and Dani is finding it hard to not stare at her. Those messy curls that Dani found so endearing is pulled up in a messy bun, a few rebellious strands falling out. Her sweater vest is off, and her white shirt is unbuttoned just a bit, tie loosened. She’s walking over to her and Dani finds herself panicking because she has this look in her eye, one she can’t place. Mischievous is the best word that she can come up with. “You wanna explain to me why Peter Quint cornered me today and told me that I need to watch my back since I ruined his best friend’s relationship?” She scoffs. “He told me that I was the reason that you and Eddie broke up and that I would pay for it.” She shucks her hands into the pockets of her slacks and raises a brow. “Why would it be my fault?”
Dani feels dizzy and she visibly pales, which Jamie seems to notice since concern is written on her face. She slumps down in a chair and gives a shaky sigh. She runs a hand through her hair as she settles or attempt to. She tries to stop gnawing on her thumb and even more so the tap of her leg. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Dani’s scared. She’s scared that her ex and his friend just outed her to the whole school. She doesn’t want Jamie hurt in the crossfires though.
Jamie blinks, opens her mouth and shuts it and then just stops. She’s thinking, she’s watching her every move and thinking. “Since when do you even give a shit on what Quint does are says to me, it’s not like you care.”
“I still care.” Dani softly tells her, and Jamie goes ridged and scoffs.
“Like fuck you do, you stopped caring the moment you gave me away, like I was just a piece of fuckin’ garbage. Don’t get me wrong, I love Hannah and Owen, but you gave that right to care when you decided that I was nothing”
“Jamie.”
“No!” She’s red in the face, clearly all this rage that she bottled up had popped as soon as Dani uttered that she cared. “No, do you have any idea how much that fucked me up? First mum, then you- and you Dani of all people.” There are tears in her eyes. “You were the only stability I had, and you tossed me aside too. I-” She stops, lets out a tired laugh and shakes her head. “You know what, no you’re not worth it. Tell Quint and Eddie to leave me the fuck alone.” She goes to turn around, but Dani suddenly stands up and just lets it out.
“I’m sorry! And I know that it’s not good enough, but I am sorry. I should have never listened to Eddie; I should have done what I wanted to do. I am so sorry I was so easily influenced and I’m sorry that I hurt you and I’m so sorry, that I was your bully. I was scared and paranoid because- the only time I ever felt butterflies and fireworks was when I kissed you during that game of spin the bottle. I tried so hard to see if I could ever feel what I felt back then, but I never could. Not with Eddie, not with other guys. If I could just, if I could go back in time, it would be you, Jamie. Not Eddie, it’s never been Eddie. I just-” She lets out a shuddering breath, only now becoming aware she was crying. “I think I’m- no, I know I’m-”
And she doesn’t process what’s happening until it happens. She sees Jamie rushing over to her and she prepares herself for an impact, but instead, Jamie’s hands cup her face as gently as she could and kisses her. Dani freezes up for a millisecond and then just melts into it. It’s strange how automatic her response it, how she knows exactly where to put her hands which to be fair was something she could never figure out with Eddie. Or how soft it all is, with the delicateness of Jamie’s soft lips brushing against her own. She doesn’t feel the scratchiness like she once felt, or the suffocation of a kiss. Now she gets it, and it clicks. Waves of invisible energy shoot along her body, gathering at her fingertips and her toes. She feels that kiss everywhere in her in her body and god does it feel right.
However as quickly as it starts it ends with Jamie pulling away, grey eyes blown black and swollen lips and Dani has no idea where they stand because she wasn’t expecting that, not that she minded at all, she wouldn’t actually mind at all if it happened again. “Did you feel anything?” Jamie asks, a bit breathless. “Just right then, what did you feel?”
“Everything.” Dani breaths. “I feel right, it felt right.”
Jamie nods, biting her lip just a bit and Dani just wants to repeat that again. “Listen, Dani, Peter won’t say anything, I made sure of it. Your secret is safe for as long as you want it to stay hidden. No one’s outing you.”
Dani realizes that Jamie is distracted too, her gaze falls to her lips with every other word. “You come out only when you’re ready.”
“Jamie,” Dani’s voice is full of yearning as she reaches out and grabs her hand, carefully dragging her thumb across her knuckles. “Thank you.”
The other girl nods and then gives a soft laugh. “Who the hell knew” She has that crooked smirk that Dani adored so much. “But this doesn’t mean you’re off thin ice yet.” She is again gently as she removes her hand from Dani’s. “I gotta get going though, need to get Mikey from his friends.” She steps back and picks up her school bag.
And Dani finally finds her voice. “You were the reason, if that helps for Eddie and I’s breakup. I mean not the full reason, but you had something to do with it.”
Jamie sends her a playful smile. “Well, Clayton. I’ll sleep well knowing that. See you in homeroom.”
The next morning, Dani does her best to make sure to make sure she looked nice, even if it was just for school. She wants to look perfect for the girl that sat in front of her and it’s strange because she never cared about looking pretty for anyone before. She did it out of duty before, but now there was a reason. Jamie’s already in class, perched on her desk and talking to Hannah and Owen. Jamie’s voice trails off when she sees her, and her eyes follow her as Dani sits down and she looks over her shoulder to see Eddie’s desk empty again.
“He switched his homeroom.” Jamie tells her, as if she was reading her mind. “I believe he told Ms. Llyod that he was ‘traumatized by recent events’.” She points to their teacher who was cursing over her laptop. “She laughed at him; it was great- I’m sorry you missed it.”
Owen and Hannah share a confused look and Dani knows why. Jamie didn’t call her a name; Dani didn’t scowl and retort back. She licks her lips, remembering the delightful feeling of Jamie’s lips on her own and a pleasant chill runs down her back. “Oh- I didn’t want him to take it that bad.” Even know she knows why Eddie left. Sitting in front of her and Jamie, she knew he couldn’t take it. Not with how Dani would stare at Jamie or count the number of freckles on her neck. “I guess he is still raw about it.”
Jamie shrugs. “He looked like absolute shite this morning.” She explains. “I don’t think he’s showered- or changed his uniform. I mean, I don’t like the guy- but he can do so much better.” She smirks and Owen raises a brow as Hannah gives her arm a light smack and a warning tone.
And Dani wonders if she dreamed that kiss up yesterday because of how quickly Jamie reverted to her old self and she’s a bit hurt. So, after class she catches up to Jamie, grabs her arm and pulls her into the bathroom because she wants to know first where they stand and second, what the fuck?
Which is exactly what Jamie mutters when Dani pulls her into the teacher’s bathroom of all places and locks the door. “We need to talk.”
“Christ, you gave me fucking whiplash.” Jamie complains as she rubs her neck. “Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? You’re way more jittery today then most days.”
“You kissed me yesterday.”
“Ah yes, that.” Jamie drops her hand and crosses her arms. “What about it?” She looks so proud of herself.
Dani hated how casual she was being about this about this. She hates that Dani literally sat up at night, looking at the ceiling as her mind raced with thoughts about Jamie. This girl had such a strong effect on her, even if it was one kiss. Dani doesn’t mean to wet her lips which draw’s Jamie’s attention to them, she doesn’t mean to look at her with such hungry eyes, but she does and Jamie notices. “I wanna do it again.”
“What?”
“I said I want to kiss you again.”
And that’s how Dani finds herself pressed up against the solid wooden door with Jamie’s lips moving fervently against hers and my god Dani is in heaven. She doesn’t want to stop, but she knows that they need to talk so she takes the opportunity when Jamie finds a spot on her neck that makes her toes curl. “Jame, Jamie.” She breaths, never uncurling her fingers from the other’s hair. “What is this, between us, what is this?”
Jamie pulls away and Dani almost whimpers at the loss of contact. “I dunno, blondie. I thought we were having fun.” She’s so fucking flirty with how she tucks a strand of blonde hair behind Dani’s ear. “You know, years and years of pent up repression on your side and years and years of pent up frustration on my side. I thought that we were just finding a healthy way of letting it out.”
“Is that all it is to you?” Dani quietly asks.
Jamie smirks. “C’mon, s’not like you fancy me or anything.” And she is met with silence, pure silence and Dani ducks her head down, a blonde veil surrounding her face. “Unless you do fancy me?”
Dani thinks she is going to be faced with a laugh and a cruel statement, she knows she deserves it. Surprisingly though, Jamie doesn’t. Instead she feels her warm hands on her face, moving her hair back and bending just a bit to meet her eyes. “You do, don’t you?” There is a pregnant pause and then. “How long?”
Dani speaks up for the first time in she felt in forever, her voice is small when she admits. “Since Rebecca’s end of the year party.”
“Shit, that long?”
Dani nods.
“Then how come-” and then realization hits Jamie. “Oh, oh right.”
Jamie is still holding onto Dani which was a good sign right? “I was scared and confused.” Dani admits. “I wish I was as brave as you but-”
“Hey,” Jamie’s voice is light, soft, something that was rarely dedicated towards Dani. “It’s alright, Poppins.”
“And you still hate me,” Dani offers and Jamie shrugs. “You don’t hate me?”
“I mean I’m still slightly annoyed with you,” Jamie explains. “But we were kids.”
“We’re still kids.”
“Yeah, just less stupid.”
Dani grins. “I’m always going to feel bad about it.”
“Means you have a conscious and aren’t the blonde devil.” Jamie sighs. “You really wanna put a label on this though? You just broke up with Eddie.”
“I know,” Dani nods. “I just-”
“And you’re not even out of the closet completely” Jamie lists off. “I mean you just admitted it to yourself. Did I know, sorta. You’re not exactly subtle.” Dani rolls her eyes and Jamie smiles. “How about this? We take this slow and when you’re ready we can shove it in everyone’s face.”
“Do you think we could maybe ease up on the name calling?”
“Dani, c’mon that would just spell out for everyone what is happening between us. How about, a less mean version of our back and forth. I mean we could always make up like this again, I won’t complain.”
She grins. “What happened to taking it slowly?” She teases and Jamie is the one to roll her eyes. “Fine, I think I could deal with that.”
It’s been two weeks. Two weeks of bickering with each other in front of their respected friends followed by the two of them nestled in a dark corner somewhere in the school. Stolen glances during rehearsal, more so when Dani sings along with the children in attempt to teach them the right key. She’ll often catch Jamie listening to her with a serene smile on her face.
“I really like it.” Jamie tells her in the safety of her truck. “Listening to you sing, it’s always been one of my favorite things. Only reason why I’d go see the musicals or a choral concert. I knew you’d be singing.”
And Dani found her heard fluttering because she’d only go to art shows to see Jamie’s work. She would spend a good amount of time looking at her masterpieces, always the pride of the school.
There are some close calls, especially when Ms. Llyod comes in the auditorium to measure the stage only to raise a finely manicured eyebrow at the two of them. Their flushed faces gave them away, that and the fresh marks on Dani’s neck. Dani almost died when their teacher gave a ‘Carry on, ladies.’ Before going back to her classroom.
They became more careful after that and Dani needed the stress relief as opening day drew closer and closer. There was a school wide rehearsal tonight and Dani didn’t drink, but she was so close to asking one of her peers if they had a flask on them. She had Ms. Llyod’s fussy niece on her hip since Hannah was getting spit up cleaned off her costume while attempting to sooth Flora Wingrave who was in tears after her brother broke her tinsel halo. She’s kneeling in front of the little girl, wiping the tears from her eyes when Jamie comes in. “Really earning that nickname, huh, Poppins?”
She’s so relieved to see her and the members of the art club behind her. “Oh, thank god.” Dani rushes and stands up. “We’ve had several costume mishaps, someone dropped the manger and we can’t put the baby in it until it’s fixed and I have no idea where Ms. Llyod is or her sister,” She takes a breath as Jamie extends her arms, signaling her to pass the baby over which she does, gratefully.
“Breathe, Dani. We’ll get right to it.” Jamie says as Dani removes the burpee cloth from her shoulder to drape it on Jamie’s. “Everything will be fine.” And before Dani even processes what she is doing, mostly because her brain is fried from stress, she plants a light kiss on Jamie’s lips- in front of everyone, well everyone who was looking. Mostly the art club, Flora Wingrave, Owen, Rebecca and worst of all, Eddie.
She only figures out what she did and that everyone was looking when she pulls away, telling her that she was a saint when Flora chirps in an innocent voice. “Dani, is Jamie your girlfriend?”
Dani pales and glances over at Jamie who was a bit pink in the face but visibly shocked. “Oh-” She clears her throat and looks around Owen’s head is tilted in confusion; Rebecca is giving her two thumbs up and Eddie is- well Eddie was no where to be seen. Fear is written all over her face and she turns to look at Jamie who looks hopeful maybe? Then the murmuring starts and Dani? Well she bolts without another word, brushing past Ms. Llyod- almost spilling her coffee all over her. “Clayton? Where are you off to?”
She doesn’t answer, her chest is tight- she can’t breathe and the school is dark so she doesn’t know where she is going until she finds herself in the cafeteria against a cool wall trying to catch her breath.
“Dani?”
It’s Jamie, rounding the corner. Her voice is soft, and she is approaching her like one would do to a skittish animal. It just makes Dani love her even more. Wait, love where did that even come from? Did she actually love Jamie? Dani exhales and sniffs, brushing away the tears that were freely falling down her face. “Jamie, I-”
She can’t finish but Jamie seems to understand, she’s careful as she touches her elbows. “Dani-”
“People are talking about us, aren’t they?” Dani asks and Jamie gives a small nod.
“Well, not everyday the star student kisses the problem student in front of a large population of the student body.” Dani knows that Jamie is trying to make her smile, but instead she panic’s more and Dani hates the pained look on Jamie’s face. “Look, Dani. We-we can make something up, alright? I get that you’re not ready and that’s okay with me.” She’s lying Dani knows she is, and you know what? Dani wasn’t alright with it either.
A strange surge of bravery courses through her. Maybe it had something to do with the past six years of hiding who she was. She takes a deep breath and shakes head. “You know what, Jamie, no.” She straightens, wipes the tears with the back of her hand. “I don’t want to keep hiding because when I look at you and suddenly… things just make sense and that took me six years to figure that out. I know we don’t have a label on us but,” She steps forward and takes her hand. “I really liked the sound of that, when Flora asked if you were my girlfriend. I want to be able to walk down the hallway holding your hand.”
Jamie shifts, but squeezes her hand lightly. “But PDA isn’t allowed in school.”
“Hasn’t stopped you before.” Dani points out, causing Jamie to smirk. “Back there wasn’t the way I wanted to come out, but it happened, and you know what? I wouldn’t want to change it. I want to be your girlfriend if you’d have me.”
Jamie closes the space between them, kissing her softly. “Of course, I’d have you.” She mutters against her lips.
Dani smiles before she deepens the kiss, feeling her stomach flip-flop when Jamie gives a small hum. After a moment the pull apart and Dani nuzzles her nose against hers. “We should get back.”
“You’re sure?”
Dani nods, lacing her fingers with hers. “Yeah, it’s now or never.”
And they walk back to the auditorium hand in hand, their classmates pop their heads up when the doors shut and Dani smiles. She looks over at the woman beside her and clears her throat, acting as casual as she can. “I need the kids in Mrs. Crumb’s first year class on stage, we need to finish learning our song.”
Her and Jamie part ways only for a moment, Jamie to help fix the broken set pieces and Dani to the piano to help the younger kids with their song and people don’t give them a second glance other than Rebecca who comes bouncing over to her and tells her. “I am so proud of you.”
While the younger kids butcher ‘Little Town of Bethlehem' Dani catches Jamie’s eye, smiling at the wink she sent her way. Yeah, they would be alright after all. One day she’d tell her that she loved her- well two weeks later to be fair she tells her because she always knew it would be Jamie.