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“lee jihoon?” a voice called out. jihoon lazily raised his right hand in response. his head, however, stayed on the desk, where it was comfortably situated on his other arm. he lowered it after a couple of seconds, not minding the quiet that filled the room. “want to tell me what about my class is so boring, mr. lee?” oh. the voice was now directly above him, and jihoon could see the worn tips of out-of-style loafers in front of his desk. he sighed and looked up, where his music composition professor was standing with a very, very nasty expression on his face. it appeared to get redder upon jihoon’s disinterested silence. “see me after class!” was the only thing he said before marching back to the front. dear god, he was going to spout some crap again, wasn’t he? jihoon let his head fall down again and closed his eyes. it wasn’t the first time he was called out, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but jihoon couldn’t find it in himself to give two shits about this course. the curriculum was unimportant and he would’ve skipped it if it wasn’t a prerequisite for composition 2. he didn’t have to like it though.
-
“lee jihoon, stop right there.”
said boy froze in his tracks and swung around to see the professor approaching him, scowl on his face as usual. he mentally groaned, he had hoped his short height would be an advantage for once. “what is it professor kim?” he asked, smiling as pleasantly (read: fake) as he could. he braced himself for a scolding about sleeping in class, and maybe that would lead to another warning about cheating and plagiarizing. it was infuriating, how kim assumed his compositions were snatched off of soundcloud because jihoon rarely attended class but still managed to impress on projects. there was never any evidence, of course, but jihoon knew it was better to play safe. he had learned that if he acted dumb enough and held in his internal anger, he could be let off with a slap to the wrist.
“since it seems like my class is too easy for you, i’ve decided to assign you a special project,” came the unexpected request. jihoon did a double take. in no way or form had this professor ever led him to believe he thought jihoon was qualified enough to be assigned anything. “what kind of project…?” the professor huffed, as if jihoon should already know what he was talking about.
“every year, the professors of each department choose a student to represent them at the seoul soul show.” he paused. “you do know what that is, right?” he continued on without waiting for the answer. it was a yes anyway. “it’s a show where all of seoul’s best universities exhibit their finest students and works. our school has won in virtually every category for the past 9 years. most of them students from my class, of course. this year, professor yoon suggested your name at the meeting.” the last sentence was mumbled, and it was beyond obvious that he himself disagreed fervently. unfortunately, professor yoon held the music department firmly in his grip, and it was rare for anyone to go against him and win with their career still intact. jihoon furrowed his eyebrows. but jeonghan knew jihoon hated to be part of anything of the sort, and even more so when he hadn’t been notified of it. he knew where he was going after this.
-
“yoon jeonghan!” the door slammed open, sending the person inside the room into near heart attack. “please, jihoon, this is school. i am professor yoon jeonghan here, PhD in music theory and avid listener of chopin.”
“bullshit, you only listen to girl groups and the occasional tiktok song.”
“if they have class, i listen. and there is no song classier than dumb dumb, so shut up. what brings you to my office anyway?”
“you know why i’m here,” jihoon seethed. jeonghan’s smile only grew, that devil. “are you perhaps talking about the annual seoul soul show that little old me thought our precious talented jihoonie would be perfect for?” jihoon had to physically restrain himself from launching at the smug smirk. he hated when jeonghan acted like he had a grand master plan in his head. “yes, and i would like little old you to get me out of it.” “no can do little bro, the deed is done. what would the other professors think if i tell them you backed out? they would never trust you with anything again! and you’ll graduate with nothing under your belt except a fail in professor kim’s class. i can’t do that to my favorite hoobae, the horror!” the hand at the chest and absolute despair in his voice completed the spectacle. jihoon really wondered at times why jeonghan didn’t major in theatre, because the guy had natural talent for self-created drama. unfortunately, he also had a point, and jihoon needed every opportunity to get his name out there. “fine! i’ll just submit something i’ve already written.” he turned around to leave for his studio and was almost at the door when jeonghan called out. “oh, did professor kim not tell you? the theme this year is collaboration. you have to work with someone else.” jihoon froze, hand on the doorknob and foot out the door. that was the worst possible news he had heard today. “oh hell no.”
-
jihoon didn’t do collabs, mainly because self-proclaimed musicians were rarely hidden gems. most of them were either theatre majors who wanted to build their resume and thought singing was easy, or design majors who thought their artistic talent extended to music. it didn’t, and more than once had jihoon accepted a request for a collab only to find out that his partner was tone-deaf.
“hyung, i don’t do collabs, how could you do this to me?” jihoon complained to jeonghan, who had showed up at his door with chicken an hour ago as an apology. “what if they are tone-deaf or can’t hold a rhythm to save their life?” he wailed. jeonghan didn’t even bat an eyelash at him, choosing to focus on the movie on tv and the beer in hand. “we are literally a performance arts uni, and your options are the best of each department. it doesn’t even have to be a music collab, you could do it with the design department.” “i’m not gonna stand out at the seoul soul show with a pretty set! it needs to be out of this world if i’m going to win.” jeonghan raised his eyebrow. it was obvious jihoon had started to get competitive, just as jeonghan had predicted he would. “and here i was, thinking you were so unenthusiastic about me submitting your name.” jihoon flushed. “i just don’t want you to be put in an awkward position.” the excuse was plain, but jeonghan let it slide. he knew how jihoon functioned after all.
“what about the dance department? i heard that transfer student from china, wen junhui, is going.” jihoon contemplated it. “maybe. he specializes in contemporary though...” the truth was, jihoon already had a song in mind, and contemporary definitely wasn’t the vibe he was going for. he had written “bring it” ages ago when emotion levels were high and sleep levels were low, but it had never seen the light of day. seoul soul would be the perfect platform to showcase the song, especially considering its young audience. jeonghan must’ve sensed his dilemma. “what about rap?” jihoon nodded absentmindedly. “yeah, that’s what i was thinking. do you know who’s coming from the rap department?” jeonghan hesitated a second before responding. “that is, i heard it’s... soonyoung.” jihoon’s blood immediately ran cold. he hadn’t heard that name since high school, and he had thought he wouldn’t ever again. a million thoughts ran through his head, and jeonghan sighed at jihoon’s silence. “yeah, he goes here, i have him in one of my classes. i didn’t mention it to you because i knew you didn’t want to see him again, and it seemed like he didn’t remember me either.” jihoon didn’t respond. he felt betrayed, yes, but he didn’t know what he felt betrayed by. soonyoung felt like a graying memory, but he also felt like a raw scar.
“jihoon-ah, don’t you want to solve this? i think it’ll be the perfect opportunity. granted, i don’t know what happened, but i picked up enough to know that you did him some sort of wrong. maybe you could apologize and get closer again...” he trailed off. it was obvious jihoon wasn’t listening. it had been three years since the incident, and jeonghan never managed to learn what had happened. he had hugged his friend through a month of tears and depression before jihoon picked himself up and never spoke of it again. soonyoung also fell off the grid at the time, and jeonghan never saw him again until recently.
it looked like jihoon wasn’t going to talk about it any time soon, so jeonghan stood up before pulling jihoon with him. “come on, let’s go to bed. you can worry about it tomorrow.” there was no resistance.
-
“jun! wen junhui!” jihoon ran after the boy, panting and cursing his short legs for the nth time. thankfully, said boy heard his cries and paused to wait for him. “hey jihoon, what’s up?” jun was one of the few same-aged friends jihoon knew at pledis uni, and it was only because they had been assigned to work together on a presentation. it had been difficult to communicate since jun had just come from china, but they had found a system that eventually resulted in an a for the presentation.
“you’re participating in seoul soul, right? do you want to collab?” jun looked at him apologetically. “sorry jihoon, i’m working with the theatre department. i heard soonyoung from the rap department is looking for a partner though, do you know him?” jun continued, not noticing jihoon’s utter despair. “he’s really good at what he does, i’ve heard some of his stuff! you could ask him.” “oh, uh thanks,” jihoon mumbled in response before walking away, leaving jun in confusion.
“the usual,” jihoon mumbled to the barista at the campus cafe. he was still in a bad mood from his earlier encounter with jun and needed a pick me up in the form of caffeine. “are you okay hyung? did you stay up all night at your studio again?” mingyu asked while preparing his latte with an extra shot of espresso. jihoon sighed, taking a seat at the counter and laying his head down on its hopefully clean surface. “no, i’m just stressed. i need a partner for the seoul soul show.” “oh, you’re participating too? my friend was selected too, and he’s looking for someone.” jihoon’s head whipped up. “who is it? tell me right now, i’m desperate.” mingyu handed jihoon his drink, which he accepted gratefully. “oh, his name is- hyung!” “hey mingyu,” came the reply, and it took all of jihoon’s willpower not to bolt there and then. he did, however, turn around and freeze, eyes wide and definitely suspicious. he may have whimpered, because soonyoung was standing there, just as pretty as he remembered, just as yellow and pink as he was in high school. it seemed like the other male recognized him too, because there wasn’t another word out of him. “this is soonyoung hyung, he’s representing the rap department! and this is jihoon hyung! he’s pretty much a musical genius, and it turns out he’s looking for someone to collaborate on the seoul soul show too! maybe you two could work together!” mingyu, bless his pure soul, seemed to have no idea of the darkening vibe and left to attend to another customer. it was silent for a couple of moments, during which jihoon contemplated everything from running away to acting like he had amnesia. surprisingly, the other spoke first.
“hey jihoon.” his voice was soft and tentative and it was like he never left. in fact, everything about soonyoung was serene, even when he was hyper. there was a certain method to his madness, something that made him elegant and fluid. the only time jihoon had ever seen him break out of character was the last night they saw each other, but to be fair, he hadn’t been himself either.
“soonyoung,” he managed to reply, although there was definitely a crack in there somewhere. he couldn’t bring himself to look at the other man, instead choosing to stare at the broken floor tiles and occasionally peeking at mingyu in prayer to come save him. soonyoung let out a quiet sigh at his stubbornness, but to jihoon, it was louder than any rant he could’ve let out.
how pathetic. it had been three years and jihoon still couldn’t get a apology to leave his lips. not that he wasn’t sorry, he would do anything to go back and change what had happened, but it just seemed like such an insignificant thing compared to the heartache he must’ve suffered. there was so much he wanted to say, and yet so little he knew how to. it wasn’t like jihoon hadn’t tried to get back in touch with soonyoung, but his friend (ex-friend) had completely shut him out, and at some point, jihoon had just given up.
“jihoon, can we talk?” and there were definitely tears in jihoon’s eyes at this point, because he hadn’t thought today would be the day for this. he didn’t feel like he had the option to refuse, because here soonyoung was, giving him an in. who was he to say no? he nodded before getting up from his seat. not once did he meet the other’s eyes, but he did wave at mingyu to let him know where he was going, in the event that soonyoung decided to hit him with some not nice words and even less nicer punches.
the two made their way outside, where it was significantly quieter than the bustling hall they had come from. autumn meant leaves cracked under their every step and wind blew symphonies in their ears. jihoon was glad for the noise, it would’ve been uncomfortably silent otherwise. he was already plenty uncomfortable from the heat radiating off the person at his side. it was only after the pair had made their way halfway around campus did jihoon decide to speak up.
“how have you been?” soonyoung looked almost as relieved as he did. ever the conversationalist, the boy jumped on the opportunity to play nice. “i’ve been good, can’t complain. i’m majoring in rap and minoring in dance and it’s honestly been hell, but i guess my hard work paid off, seeing as i was invited to seoul soul. speaking of, congrats on being invited as well, i’m sure you’ve worked hard for it.” he paused before continuing in a quieter voice. “i’ve heard some of your stuff. they’re really beautiful.” and if nothing else had caught jihoon’s attention before, this certainly did, because where had soonyoung heard his music? as if he read jihoon’s mind, he explained himself hastily. “mingyu mentioned his friend was on soundcloud, so i searched it up. i always remember your voice,” as if that was enough to satisfy jihoon’s confused mind.
it seemed the boy had had enough walking around aimlessly, as he headed towards a bench with jihoon following mindlessly. he was once again being entranced by the magic of the rapper and he felt like if he didn’t say anything soon, he might not ever be able to again, because he was being a dysfunctional part of this conversation by not opening his mouth to communicate.
what he wanted to say: i’m sorry for betraying your trust, i’m sorry for running away. i’m sorry for telling you i love you and then telling you i don’t. i’m sorry you had to see him kiss me, and i’m even sorrier you had to see me kiss back. i’m sorry for putting me first, when all you did was the same. i wish i hadn’t been so hungry for acceptance then, i wish i had known it would never be enough without you.
what he actually said: “i’m sorry.”
old habits die hard, and soonyoung seemed to pick up on all the other words between the lines. “you know jihoon, i really hated you for some time.” he had expected it, but he still flinched. “i really thought you understood me, and i really thought you felt the same. i didn’t come out of my room for a month after that day.” jihoon felt his heart crack a little more with every word that came out of soonyoung’s mouth. the other, though, didn’t look nearly as heartbroken as his words felt, and it hurt jihoon, because what if he had moved on and jihoon didn’t matter anymore?
“i knew i was outcasted at school, but i didn’t really mind it. i was a little worried that i was going to harm your reputation, because you were the apple of everyone’s eye, even back then.” soonyoung smiled, reminiscing the memories. it was true, jihoon had been babied by both the teachers and his peers (which he despised), but soonyoung could never seem to fit in. “you never led me to feel that way though, you always made sure i knew i was your best friend. and i loved you.” his voice strained slightly at the end, and it was all the reassurance jihoon needed to breathe a little easier.
“i know i told you all of this when i confessed, but you were always, always the one for me. so it hurt a lot when you accepted seungcheol’s offer, when you reciprocated his advances in front of everyone. i get it, i’m not nearly as good as him, but i thought we had something, or i thought you would at least tell me first. but you didn’t, and i hurt.” the sentences were getting choppy, it was obvious there was more to unpack there. he laughed wetly. “it probably wasn’t that big of a deal to you, and maybe i’m just being dramatic, but i decided to be a coward and run away. i’m sorry about that.” jihoon couldn’t believe what he was hearing. after all soonyoung went through, he was apologizing?
“don’t apologize for something that’s not your fault.” jihoon surprised himself with the conviction in his voice, because his heart certainly didn’t have that kind of strength in it. “i did you wrong, and i hurt you. i hurt myself. yes, we were young, and we still are now, but i like to think we’ve matured significantly since then. so i’m telling you now, it never meant anything. seungcheol didn’t mean anything. i was taken aback that night, when he acted like i was his boyfriend in front of everybody, and i thought if i didn’t play along i would be another one of his victims. so i kissed him, even though i kissed you the day before. you weren’t meant to see it, although sometimes i think that was for the better. i’m sorry.” his voice got increasingly quieter and soonyoung strained to hear the last few words. “my feelings for you were real, i hope you know that.” it got quiet again, and jihoon was finally able to breathe easy. so this was why everyone said confrontation and closure is key, because he was finally at ease for the first time in years. that was, until soonyoung reached out and grabbed his hand. it was warm, but there was no reason it wouldn’t be. soonyoung was warm. he thread his fingers through jihoon’s, playing with his pinky like he always used to, and the feeling made jihoon tense up. “soonyoung, what-“ “i know you didn’t mean harm. and yes, i felt betrayed, but i’ve realized over the years how you must’ve felt. god knows no one can refuse seungcheol and live with their reputation still intact-“ “but i would do it if i had the chance to again! i would refuse!” soonyoung startled at the interruption, but eased into a chuckle at jihoon’s exclamation. “i’m sure. anyway, i forgave you a long time ago. i even went back to see you some time after i moved, but one look at you and i chickened out. you always had that effect on me,” he said casually, as if this wasn’t the highlight of jihoon’s day. “so lee jihoon, wanna collab for the seoul soul show?”
-
it turned out bring it was made for soonyoung. the pure excitement on his face when jihoon first let him listen to it was magic, and there was little jihoon wouldn’t do to see it again. there were pockets of awkwardness in between topics of conversation, but that was natural after three years of separation. their relationship never came up, or they were too afraid to bring it up. sometimes it was hard, because soonyoung would burst into universe factory like he never left and made himself home on jihoon’s red couch. he always nailed his recordings, but sometimes he would get too excited and jihoon would tell him he had to rerecord because the volume was too high. the sheepish smile on his face made jihoon want to run into the recording booth and kiss the living daylights out of him. there were days when jihoon had evening classes, and when he arrived at the studio, soonyoung was already waiting for him, dinner and a movie already set up. and it made jihoon wonder, what the hell had he given this up for?
-
the show was a success. of course it was. jeonghan, mingyu, even soonyoung’s younger brothers seungkwan and seokmin came to see them. the results wouldn’t be announced for another month, but jihoon was hopeful. hopeful because soonyoung had looked at him with stars twinkling in his eyes and sweat trickling down his face, had hugged him after their stage with whispers of praise and relief. jihoon was pretty sure his face must've the definition of lovesick, because jeonghan came up to him after the show with his signature all-knowing face and exaggerated wink. once again, he hated when jeonghan acted like he had a grand master plan and actually did. he was pushed away with an eye roll, but red cheeks and a smile couldn’t lie. soonyoung asked to meet up the next night for drinks, and jihoon assumed it was for a congratulatory party. he agreed enthusiastically and made sure to get universe factory spotless before their arranged time. at 9 sharp soonyoung walked in, hands full with food and drinks. he placed them on the table and stood up, obviously bracing for something.
“jihoon-ah?” the other hummed happily, mind focused on saving his recent work and shutting the computer down. “let’s try again.” it took a couple of moments for him to process what he meant. he froze upon registering the words (which seemed to happen often) and turned around slowly, only to be met with a fidgeting soonyoung. “w-what?” soonyoung bit his lip and chewed on it, debating how to go about this. “i know we have a lot of baggage between us, but i think we could make it work if we try. no, i know we can. i-if you want to, of course.” it was silent for all of ten seconds before jihoon went running into soonyoung’s unsuspecting arms. the other grunted, not ready for the full weight of jihoon in his hold. the two fell back onto the couch and jihoon buried his head into soonyoung’s chest, who stroked his hair comfortingly. they remained in that position until jihoon calmed down enough to separate himself. his face ached, not from the tears on his cheeks, but from holding back the grin that threatened to split on his face. he nodded, sniffling. soonyoung seemed to understand what he meant because he smiled one of his most blinding smiles and hugged jihoon to his chest again. “i love you,” he offered, unsure if it was still too early. “i love you more,” jihoon reassured, delighting in the accelerating thumps of the heart beneath him. he craned his neck up to place a tentative kiss at soonyoung’s jawline and saw it immediately turn red. and wow, never had jihoon ever been so content and in bliss. judging from the hand caressing his face and the eyes piercing his own, soonyoung had somewhat of a similar thought. thank you to whatever god or deity is out there, he thought. i’ll never take this for granted again.