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The music was audible outside of the frat house even before Leon stepped inside. He winced on behalf of the neighbors having to deal with the noise of the frat. He knew that the combination of alcohol and absurdly loud music would give him a headache by the end of the night and in all honesty, he wasn’t particularly in the mood to go to a party but Matthew had asked him and he was pretty sure he’d do anything that Matthew asked.
There were a few people he recognized from his large lecture classes in the living room but he didn’t know any of them well enough to actually feel comfortable striking up a conversation. Instead he surveyed the rooms for Matthew, hoping to find him and stick by his side for the party. He found him in the kitchen, leaning up against the counter as if he needed it to keep him balanced.
“You came!” Matthew exclaimed, clearly having downed a few drinks already. Drunk Matthew was louder than usual, as if he miscalculated the sound of his own voice traveling over the music. Matthew bounded over to him and draped his arm around Leon’s back.
“Yeah, sorry, I got a little held up at work,” Leon said. “Is there anything good?” he asked as he sneered at the Natty Light in Matthew’s hands. He knew shitty beer was part of the whole college deal, but he still had some standards.
“I put a can of the German stuff you like at the bottom of the cooler,” Matthew said and Leon’s heart fluttered. It was little things like this that Matty did that made Leon wonder if his feelings were one-sided. It took the middle of Hell Week, their first semester for Leon to even acknowledge his feelings for Matthew after they spent the night together cramming in the university library for their history final the next day. Matthew had fallen asleep on his textbook in the chapter about Saint Stanislav and his curls had poured off the pages and had imprints of the pages settling on his face. Even then, with fatigue and over-caffeination setting in, Leon thought Matthew looked beautiful. It took him winter break to admit to himself that it wasn’t a delusion, but that he actually did like Matthew.
Leon stuck his hand in the bottom of the cooler under the Natty Lights and Budweisers until he felt the kölsch and fished it out.
He knew that Matthew didn’t discriminate, he liked guys and girls and non-binary people and that made it all the worse, knowing that Matthew could like him, he just probably didn’t. Leon had witnessed Matthew when he liked someone, he went for it. He was direct and put himself out there in a way that Leon admired and envied. That’s what had happened with Julia from Matthew’s Spanish class, but as much as Matthew’s feelings had grown for her, they waned after he’d been rejected.
Matthew hummed off-key along with the melody as they watched the game of beer pong wrap up. It seemed a natural focal point to go to in the frat house and Leon found himself and Matthew watching as Mitch and Dylan were getting trounced by some upperclassmen Leon didn’t recognize.
“I love this song,” Matthew yelled and grabbed Leon’s hand, pulling him to where some people were dancing awkwardly along to the song. Leon felt the warmth of Matthew’s hand in his own as he was dragged into the group of people. Matthew danced along to the music, grinding up against Leon and taking him off guard. Leon wasn’t sure what to do with his hands and Matthew turned to face him, curiously pulling him closer and dancing in a suggestive way, but Matthew was a flirt. Leon knew that. He also knew that Matthew had been drinking for a while before he arrived and that he was drunk.
“I’ll be back,” Matthew said as he headed upstairs to go to the bathroom, handing Leon his beer to safeguard while he was away. Leon saw a few people that he recognized, but none that he wanted to actually engage in conversation with. They didn’t have much in common outside of their shared classes, not like him and Matthew where things were just so easy between the two of them.
So he sighed and headed outside to where the music dulled a little and he finally felt like he could think for the first time since he’d arrived at the party.
He sat there, with Matthew’s beer resting by his leg and played on his phone for a while.
“There you are,” Matthew said, “I was looking for you inside. Are you okay?” Matthew asked upon closer inspection.
“Yeah, sorry, I just wasn’t really feeling the party anymore,” Leon said, “You can go back in though.” He handed Matthew his beer back and despite the out that Leon provided, he really hoped that Matthew stayed out here with him.
Matthew was tipsy, sitting down clumsily on the step next to Leon, “I’m good out here, it was getting too loud in there anyways.”
“Matty...” Leon started, “You’re the life of the party.”
“Leon, don’t make it a thing, okay, I want to be here,” Matthew said, and nudged his knee against Leon’s.
And then, before Leon was realizing what was happening, Matthew was crowding his space, leaning into his body and cupping his face with his hands. Leon froze from shock as the beer in his hand stopped him from doing anything, and then his mind caught up to him. Matthew was drunk.
“Stop, Matty,” Leon said, and pressed a hand against his chest to push Matthew away.
“Shit, sorry,” Matthew said, “I guess I drank a little more than I thought.”
And fuck that hurt, Leon knew even if Matthew had meant it they wouldn’t do anything, they’d both been drinking and Matthew had started before him, but if he thought it meant something, there was a chance for them.
“I’ll see you later, Matty,” Leon said as he stood up and started walking away from the porch. He was hurt and pissed off that Matthew had been so flippant about it, when it meant something more to him. But above all else, he was pissed with himself for having hope that it could have meant something.
“Seriously?” Matthew asked.
“I’m just going to head home,” Leon said, “I have a lot of work to do this weekend anyways.”
“Leon,” Matthew called after him, but Leon didn’t bother turning around. As Leon braved the cold winter air as he headed back to his dorm, he chastised himself for reading into it. Matthew had just been drunk, it hadn’t meant anything, but as he kept telling himself that, it didn’t make the kiss hurt less.
Leon glanced at his phone and saw that Matthew had texted him for the seventh time in two days. He hadn’t bothered responding to the first few as his pride and feelings still smarted from the party. Matthew hadn’t mentioned kissing him. In fact, Matthew had talked about the hangover that followed and some reading that he had to do for his English class.
Watch the Pats later?
Leon rolled his eyes, if that was Matthew’s version of an olive branch it was a pretty awful one at that. The usually spent Sunday afternoons together at Matthew’s frat house, lounging on the couch together.
Sorry, too much work for tonight.
You’re becoming boring. Matthew wrote. Leon didn’t even dignify that with a reply.
Dinner at the house? Matthew asked.
And Leon knew that despite his hurt feelings, Matthew hadn’t meant any harm, it didn’t mean that his actions weren’t hurtful, but the intent hadn’t been there. He also knew that he couldn’t stay mad at Matthew for very long.
Matthew was waiting for him in the living room of his frat house with two styrofoam containers with their favorite sandwiches from the local deli.
Leon sunk onto the couch and opened up his container to reveal the Reuben inside.
“Thanks for grabbing it,” Leon said.
Matthew shrugged, “No problem,” as he took a bite of his own. Matthew filled Leon in on the latest that had happened in his classes and the drama that had occurred between some dumbass that had picked a fight with one of his professors.
“Oh, I wanted to ask you…What do you think about him?” Matthew asked as he pulled up a Facebook page for some guy named Mark on his phone.
“I thought hockey players weren’t your type?” Leon asked as he looked at the profile pic that showed a guy clad in their school’s hockey jersey on the ice.
Matthew shrugged, “He’s kind of hot and he’s in my econ class, he doesn’t seem like an asshole.”
“Oh,” Leon said as he glanced at the Facebook profile.
“What do you think?”
“He seems fine…” Leon said as his heart sank.
Matthew’s face scrunched up as he took his phone back, “I like him.”
“Aw, it’s like you’re a married couple,” Mitch said when he saw the two of them curled up on the couch together.
Matthew just nodded at the joke, but Leon quickly pulled his arm away from where it hung over Matthew’s shoulders and flinched. Both Mitch and Matthew noticed the sudden shift in the mood.
“Nah, Matty already has his eye on some guy in his econ lecture,” Leon said.
Mitch just shrugged and headed upstairs to his room.
Matthew glared at him, “What was that about?”
“It’s true, besides it’s not like we’re married or anything,” Leon said.
“Why are you being so weird?” Matthew asked, clearly pissed off now.
“I’m not,” Leon said, “I just don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.”
“Like it would be so bad to date me,” Matthew snapped.
“Anyone would be lucky to date you,” Leon said instinctively. He would be lucky to date Matthew. He just wasn’t. Leon stared straight ahead at the television, ignoring the way that Matthew looked at him.
Leon felt the way that Matthew’s arm rested on the back of the couch, acutely aware of the way his thumb gently brushed his shoulder. Leon wanted to melt into the touch, but Mitch’s words echoed in the back of his mind and he gently moved Matthew’s arm and dropped it at his side.
“Don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea,” Leon explained and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Matthew’s jaw clench in his tell-tale sign of anger.
“Of course not.”
“You’re avoiding me,” Matthew said a few days later. He was sitting on the floor outside of Leon’s dorm room clearly camped out and waiting for Leon to return after his class.
“I was busy,” Leon said, brushing past Matthew and fiddling with his key.
“Too busy to answer my texts?” Matthew asked.
“Yes,” Leon replied.
“I just feel like you’re pissed with me,” Matthew said, “and you shouldn’t be because you were an asshole the last time we hung out.”
“I’m not pissed at you,” Leon said.
“You are, and are you going to make me guess why or are you going to tell me so that I can apologize and we can move on?”
“Is this because of what Mitch said?” Matthew asked.
“No, no, you just, you kissed me and that kind of fucked me up,” Leon said.
“What, is this some fucked up no-homo thing?” Matthew spat.
“No, what, Jesus,” Leon said, “Do you honestly think it is?”
“I don’t know,” Matthew said as he stood up to his full height and crossed his arms. Leon knew what he was doing, he knew that Matthew was just protecting himself, like he was actually afraid of Leon’s answer, “All I know is that after the party you’ve been weird.”
“That’s never once bothered me,” Leon said, “and I’ve never been more honored to be your friend than when you came out to me.”
“So what is it? Look, I’m sorry I kissed you but it’s not a big deal,” Matthew said.
Leon chewed on his lip, “I know.”
“Come on,” Matthew said, his voice raising in volume, “Okay, so what’s the problem?”
Leon just glared at him.
“Look, I was drunk,” Matthew said, “I do dumb shit all the time when I’m drunk.”
“That wasn’t dumb shit, Matthew,” Leon said. Dumb shit was dragging Leon up to sing a horrifically off-key rendition of Piano Man at the student union after they were three beers deep from a football game.
“So what?” Matthew asked forcefully as he shoved Leon against the wall, “so what? I kissed you, I was drunk, most people would just laugh it off.”
“I didn’t want you to be drunk,” Leon explained sadly.
“Oh,” Matthew said as he stepped aside, visibly deflating as the fight left him.
“I wanted you to mean it,” Leon said, “And then you showed me some picture of Mark or whatever from your class and it was just like it didn’t mean anything to you.”
“Mark wasn’t… that wasn’t a thing, I just thought that if you had a problem with it, it’d make things better if you thought I moved on, or that you didn’t think that I meant it. But I did. I wanted it to mean something, with you.”
“I didn’t think you liked me. I’ve seen you when you like someone, remember Julia?”
“Yeah, but Julia didn’t matter, I mean she’s nice, but I didn’t love her, not like… not like you,” Matthew said.
“You like me?” Leon said.
“Yeah,” Matthew said, clenching his jaw as if he was daring Leon to say something, “More than I’ve liked someone in a while. Because there were others, sure, but they weren’t my best friend, and when things didn’t work out with them, it was whatever, but I couldn’t imagine losing you.”
“Even if I didn’t feel that way about you you’d never lose me,” Leon said.
“I almost did,” Matthew said.
“My feelings were hurt,” Leon admitted, “But you wouldn’t have lost me.”
“The only reason I kissed you at the party was because I was too afraid to tell you when I was sober. I thought of all the reasons why you wouldn’t like me or you wouldn’t do anything and I always talked myself out of it. And then when I finally did kiss you, you pulled away and I thought you rejected me.”
“I’ve been in love with you since Hell Week,” Leon said with a smile, “The only reason I pulled away was because you were drunk and I wanted it to be real.”
“It was,” Matthew said.
“I just wished you were sober when it happened,” Leon said.
“I am now,” Matthew said as he reached over and kissed Leon. His nose brushed up against Leon’s as he gently cupped his chin. It was soft and slow and unlike at the party, Leon found himself melting into Matthew’s touch. “Fuck, I’ve wanted to do that for so long.”
“Me too,” Leon said. He pulled away this time, but only to open his dorm door and invite Matthew in, kissing him again and hanging a sock on the door, “I’ve wanted to do that for a while.”