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“Don’t go into the forest, they said. Weird things happen in the forest, they said. So what did I do?” Xander looked around at the circle of robed people that surrounded him, chanting in some language he was pretty sure was made up because he didn’t recognize it, and he’d learned how to understand several demon languages and Klingon, which he’s honestly not too sure isn’t a demon language. “That’s right! I went into the forest!”
As the cult, because he was pretty sure they were by the matching robes and made up words and the lovely abandoned cabin in the middle of the woods with suspicious stains on the floor, continued with their ceremony or whatever, Xander rolled his eyes and tested pulling against the ropes tied around his wrists. Just his wrists. Behind the straight-backed chair they had placed him in. He crossed his legs, because why not, they didn’t tie his ankles down. “Really? I go wandering into the horrible no good woods like some stupid frat boy in a horror movie and I don’t even get the good ropes? Or handcuffs or something? I’m feeling kinda let down.”
To be fair, he’d been rambling at the people for a while and not a single one of them had reacted, which was weird for the sheer fact that most people would be yelling at him to shut up by then. “Are you guys pod people? We’ve never dealt with pod people, which is saying a lot considering what we have gone up against. Then again, there were those purple goo filled eggs back in high school, so maybe we did? I mean, they could be considered pods, I guess? I think they were controlling people after they hatched. Or did they just eat them? It’s hard to remember after all this time, because, honestly, if it wasn’t trying to body snatch you, it was trying to eat you back then.”
Xander was actually kind of getting really confused, because while the cultists were circling and chanting, they hadn’t bothered to knock him out, gag him, or properly secure him. Maybe they were new to this? “Hey, am I your first kidnapee? I’ve never gotten to be first before. Usually, if I’m getting kidnapped, I’m like three or four in line after they’ve killed or maimed the others. This is pretty exciting now.”
“Quiet, usurper! You will pay for your crimes against us!”
“Hey! I’ve never usurped anything, thank you very much!” Looking at the cultist who’d stepped forward carefully, noticing a fancy little emblem sewn to the front of their robe, he tilted his head curiously. “Are you the boss? And what crimes against you? I just got to this town like two days ago. I don’t even have a car to cut someone off in traffic with.”
The cultist threw their hood back dramatically, revealing a very ordinary looking woman’s face, staring at him expectantly. As she stood there staring at him for a full minute, he shook his head. “Am I supposed to know you? Like I said, I’ve only been in your town for two days, I haven’t had time to learn people’s names and faces yet.”
She made an aggravated noise and all the other cultists removed their own hoods, revealing them all to be women. Xander blinked in surprise and then slumped forward, banging his head against his crossed leg a few times. Rolling his head against his foot, he looked up at the boss lady. “You’re all ladies? Do you know how far I had to go to get away from a house full of women just to wind up in a smaller house full of women?” Sighing, he sat up and looked around him. “Are you planning on eating me or just killing me? Because honestly, it’s been a pretty 50/50 toss up since high school which way this could go.”
“We would never defile our bodies with the flesh of a man! Our coven seeks to restore the balance that your kind has set off course, and…”
“Coven? Ohhh! You all think you’re witches? Making much more sense with the robes and chanting, now. Though the made up language totally threw me off, because seriously, I’ve literally been all over the world and whatever that nonsense you guys were speaking was, it’s totally not going to be doing anything for you.”
“How dare you speak of our sacred writings that way! These words have been passed down…”
“From what? Somebody’s acid trip? Because seriously, all over the world , plus some genuine inhuman languages, that was just random babble. Also, lady? If you’re gonna kidnap someone, you should probably learn to restrain them properly.” Suddenly kicking out with both of his legs, his booted feet pushed off her stomach, sending her crashing back into her buddies with a scream and him falling back in the chair. Slipping his arms easily from the chair and behind and over his legs in front of him, he hopped to his feet, grabbing the chair to use as a weapon.
As the women suddenly descended into panic at seeing him freed and able to attack, Xander grinned as the door was kicked in by one very angry looking brunette wearing a whole lot of leather.
“Boytoy, you good?”
“Perfect timing as always, Faith.” Looking at the screaming cultists as they tried to run from Faith and some of the baby slayers she’d brought along, Xander set down his chair and turned to find the boss lady, grabbing her by her hood as she tried to make a run out the back. “Another thing, lady. If you’re going to kidnap someone, you should make sure they aren’t best friends with real witches who happen to be very good with tracking spells.”
~~
“So how did you manage to set off the tracker? Wasn’t it in your boot?”
“Oh, man, Faith, you wouldn’t believe what noobs these ladies were. They didn’t even tie me up properly. No gag, legs and torso free, just my wrists tied together behind a chair back. After all the hype I’d been hearing about this case beforehand, I was really let down.”
One of the passing police officers froze and looked askance at Xander for a long moment before continuing to haul off the struggling cultist he had in custody. Faith just laughed. “Dude, you seriously need some time off or something to remember how to be a normal person.”
“Eh, normal’s overrated.”
Sitting on the front porch of the cabin, blue and red flashing lights coloring the night sky, the two laughed and watched as the human monsters were all led away in handcuffs.