Archive of Our Own

“Sweetie, what are you doing?”

Hyunjae put his head just above my laptop screen, attempting to look down on whatever I was typing.

“Work, honey,” I answered, putting my hands on his cheeks,” Don’t you have work too, Jae?”

“I do but,” Hyunjae pouted,” I want to spend more time with you.”

“That’s sweet but you know we’re saving up for our wedding,” I chuckled,” We don’t want you to get fired before it, do we?”

“We don’t,” Hyunjae sounded defeated. He stood up before hugging me from behind.

I love how warm Hyunjae is. We’ve been together for around 2 years and engaged for 3 months. And yes, we are preparing for our wedding. Even though Hyunjae preferred having a small wedding, I wanted something grand. Weddings, ideally, come once in a lifetime. And I want it that way.

Hyunjae is the man for me. I know that very well. He makes me feel at home as if he calms down all the storms in my mind. That was why I said yes. That is why I continue saying yes to him every single day. Even though there’s this nagging feeling that something was off, I keep choosing him. And luckily, he chooses me every day too.

If someone asks me what feels off, I am not sure. Hyunjae is the perfect man after all. He is sweet, kind, handsome, talented… He’s perfect in every sense of the word but something just feels missing. I’m sure this is my problem, not his.

“How did you two meet again?” My coworker, Changmin, asked me. I’ve known Changmin for a year now, ever since he transferred into my department. Our head left him in my care and we have worked beside each other. We treat each other as siblings at this point and he knows everything I know.

Which isn’t a lot, to be honest.

“I had an accident back then, right?” I told him,” When I was recovering, I stayed in the ward. One of the nurses in charge of the ward was Hyunjae. So, yeah, we began talking. He was there when I was discharged, and things went smoothly from there.”

“It sounds like a K-drama,” Changmin almost sounded like he wanted to barf with how cheesy it was,” But you have amnesia, right?”

“Mhm,” I hummed,” But I think I recovered well from that. I mean, I am living a normal life right now.”

“Don’t you miss your memories? How about your friends?”

“They visited me back then too,” I laughed,” I think I had a good support system while I was recovering so, yeah… They reviewed me with every aspect of my life.”

“Are you sure about that?” Changmin asked,” They might be hiding something from you. That’s why you feel a little off with your fiancé.”

“I trust them, Changmin,” I smiled at him,” I’m sure they won’t hide anything from me.”

These friends I was pertaining to were Kevin, Jacob, and Eric. According to them, I’ve known them since high school. We were all students in the same international school. With how my brain was going, I can’t believe I’m a graduate of an international school or even a graduate of a university. Yet, here I am. Expected to function as if I did not experience any trauma years ago.

But it is all in the past. I thought I should not hold on to whatever happened before. I am sure, whatever I need to know, my friends already explained to me. They told me about my high school and college life. My family filled me in when it came to my childhood. I should feel complete.

But I… honestly don’t.

And I don’t know why.

I thought all of the puzzle pieces in front of me were everything I need to complete myself again. I know my name. I know my major. I know my job. I know my friends. And I got to know Hyunjae after.

But why do I feel like there’s empty space?

“Sunbae, boss told me to hand this to you. I think you’ll accompany him to meet with this client?” Changmin said as he handed me a folder. When I opened it, I found the curriculum vitae of the client.

Lee Juyeon.

“Huh,” I reacted, which made Changmin raise his eyebrow.

“Why? Do you know this person, sunbae?” he asked me. I stared at the 2x2 picture on the CV yet again. I don’t remember him. But it feels like I should. His name, his face, they are all new to me but at the same time, it feels like I memorized them at one point.

It is a strange feeling, to be in between recognition and alienation.

“Sunbae?” Changmin snapped his fingers in front of me,” Are you okay?”

“Oh… Ah,” I closed the folder and gave him a reassuring smile,” I’m okay. I’m just tired.”

“You should take a vacation day, sunbae,” Changmin frowned.

“No,” I shook my head while pinching Changmin’s cheek,” I’ll miss my little hoobae if I did.”

After Changmin whined about me treating him like a baby, he went back to his workstation. And I did too. I placed the folder beside my computer and tried continuing my work. But something was bothering me.

“Remember I’ll always love you, okay?”

A voice suddenly reverberated in my mind. It echoed as if my mind was an empty cave. I do not know who the owner of that voice was. I only knew the voice gave me warm feelings, similar to Hyunjae. I tapped the pen on my table while staring at my monitor.

“Who are you?” I asked myself out loud.

I think I finally found out what was missing in my life. I just do not know what place this person had in my past.

I do not want to ask any of my friends about these thoughts I’m having. Mainly because I know they will tell me to stop thinking about it and to focus on wedding planning. Kevin will remind me about finalizing what I’ll wear for the wedding. Yes, my friend will design it! Jacob will remind me of the venue. He recommended places to me before which were all closer to nature. Eric, who is going to be our emcee for the reception night, tells me about the activities he wants to do on that night.

I am sure they only want me to be happy, not to worry about my past. They don’t understand how hard it is sometimes to have amnesia though. Even though I did promise before that I won’t be bothered by my past and will only look forward to the future, I cannot avoid the blank space in my chest, that there is a part of me missing.

And while this part of me is missing, obviously, I won’t feel whole.

“Welcome home, sweetie,” Hyunjae said as I entered our condo. He pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead.

“So clingy,” I whined but I had a smile on my face. I feel bad for feeling all these complex emotions without telling Hyunjae. He never pressured me on remembering my past. He never forced me to tell him everything about my life. He always reminds me that I should take my time when it comes to things as important as that and that he is willing to wait forever for me.

He is that kind of person and I love that about him.

“What did you do at work today? Anything new?” Hyunjae said as he loosened his grasp. It is his habit at this point to ask how my day was. He has always been gentle with me. Who would blame him though? He did meet me at the hospital.

“Paperwork, as usual,” I kissed Hyunjae’s cheek,” I’ll meet a client with Sangyeon on Saturday. Oh yeah, I’ll pass by my parents’ place after that. I have to clean things up before the wedding.”

“Alright,” Hyunjae went deeper into the condo before he jumped into our couch,” Do you want me to help you out? I can pass by your workplace before we go to your parents’ house. It’s been a long time since I saw them.”

“No, honey,” I shook my head, placing my bag on the coffee table,” You need sleep! You have the graveyard shift on Saturday, right?”

“Even so,” Hyunjae whined,” I want to spend more time with you!”

I admit that Hyunjae does act like a child sometimes. He is very clingy. As in. Clingy. People won’t understand this side of him unless Hyunjae considers them close. But I sometimes think this side of his is cute.

“How about we go out on Sunday then?” I said as I sat beside him,” We can go to the arcade or we can also go to the beach. You don’t have a shift then, right?”

“I would love that,” Hyunjae looked at me lovingly. Oh god, if I could melt under his stare, I would. If only I could stay in that moment, I would. I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with this man in front of me.

Hyunjae cupped my face and decreased the space in between our faces.

“I’ll always love you. Remember that, okay?”

Something within me clicked when he said that. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe because it was similar to this flashback I had earlier. Before I realized it, Hyunjae pointed out that I had a confused expression on my face.

“What’s bothering you, sweetie?” Hyunjae asked,” Did you remember something?”

Oh right, this happened before. That was the time I finally understood how deep my friendship with Kevin was. I knew this concerned the voice in my mind earlier. Maybe even that Lee Juyeon had a hand in this.

“I think?” I said before smiling at him,” I’m figuring this out, baby.”

“You call me baby when you’re the clueless one between us,” Hyunjae ruffled my hair,” Well, whatever. If you’re ready to tell me what it is, please do, okay?”

“I will, future husband,” I said before giving his lips a peck.

“Oh god, I am so excited to put that ring on you,” Hyunjae smiled as he tackled me with multiple kisses all over my face,” I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

Saturday is here.

And I feel nervous. I don’t know why. But I feel nervous about meeting this Juyeon person.

Is it because he is handsome? Perhaps.

But Hyunjae will always be the most handsome person in my eyes.

Sangyeon, my boss, raised an eyebrow at me as I tapped my fingers on the binder I was holding.

“Nervous? That’s something new,” Sangyeon pointed out,” You’re engaged already. Don’t start having any ideas.”

“I am not, Sir!” I frowned,” I’m just thinking about something.”

“Stop thinking,” Sangyeon said. I shot him a look. I swear, this man.

“If it’s bothering you that much, don’t think,” he added,” This is an important client. Keep that in mind.”

“Alright, alright, sir,” I nodded. He was right. I was at work. I should be focusing on the matter at hand, which was the meeting with the client Lee Juyeon. As Sangyeon and I were talking about ourselves, more of our future projects under our company, the door of the conference room opened.

In entered a tall handsome man with raven black hair. He bowed as soon as he entered the room and flashed us a professional smile. The stereotypical smile one shows to their teacher. He first met eyes with Sangyeon and Sangyeon stood up to bow as well. I followed his suit and bowed in the direction of our client.

When I lifted my head, Juyeon’s and my eyes met. His eyes widened which confused me. He looked like he saw a ghost. But it was only for a second. He went back to his professional demeanor and approached Sangyeon and me.

“Nice to meet you, sir,” Sangyeon said as he offered his hand. Juyeon shook it.

“Nice to meet you two too,” Juyeon flashed another smile as he shook my hand after Sangyeon’s,” I look forward to seeing what you offer.”

As Sangyeon and Juyeon discussed the business, I was taking notes of their conversation. Why was I doing the work of a secretary? I don’t know. But I did what I was tasked to do. I often found myself observing the details on Juyeon’s face. He had cat-like eyes. His lips naturally curved up. He had nice cheekbones. He was a textbook example of a handsome man. And I admit, if I did not have my own Hyunjae, I would be attracted to this man.

“How about you?” Juyeon glanced at me. I was surprised and also scared that he might have noticed my stare.

“About?” I asked.

“Is this a good offer?”

I could feel Sangyeon staring at me as if he were pressuring me to answer well. I nodded. I explained how other companies would not be willing to take this risk with them and that we saw potential in his business, that we were willing to expand it. Juyeon seemed to be content with my answer as he relaxed his back on his chair.

“Then I’ll take it,” Juyeon said as he played with the ballpen in his hand,” Do you have the contract with you?”

Sangyeon tapped his finger on the table and I knew that meant I should bring out the contract. And I did. Of course, I was prepared for this situation. Sangyeon is such a perfectionist that I can’t afford to make any mistakes, especially with a deal as important as this one. I watched Juyeon write his name and put his signature about it.

His writing did not change at all.

What?

What was that again?

How could I know his writing? I met this man for the first time today. Before I had the time to process that single thought, Juyeon stood up and thanked Sangyeon and me for meeting him, sharing his excitement in this new partnership.

“I’ll be seeing you two more in the future then,” Juyeon mused, giving Sangyeon a nod. He then turned his eyes to me. Am I being delusional or is there a tint of melancholy in his eyes? Is he staring at me?

Of course not. That would be silly.

“And I noticed the ring,” Juyeon said as he shook my hand. He turned my hand, to properly see the engagement ring.

“And?”

“Congratulations,” Juyeon said as he stared at the ring,” I hope you’ll have a happy marriage.”

“Thanks,” I smiled softly at him. When he looked back at my face, I could notice that his facial expression broke a bit. The professionalism he showed us earlier seemed to crack.

I wonder why.

After the meeting, Sangyeon let me leave work early. Well, honestly, I deserved it. I bid farewell to Changmin, who was obviously envious of my early leave and called a taxi for my trip to my parents’ house. It had been months since I last visited them. I think it was the night we told them Hyunjae and I were engaged.

My mom hugged me as soon as I opened the door.

“My baby! You should visit more,” she said as she tightened her grip.

“Mom, I can’t… breathe,” I said as I tried to push her away from me. When she did, she immediately asked me how wedding planning has been. And all I could answer was…

“Stressful.”

“That’s normal,” she laughed,” Your dad’s out now, working you know.”

“He always is,” I rolled my eyes,” Anyway, is my room like how I left it?”

“I just cleaned the bedsheets last week but yes, sweetie,” mom said as she led me through the familiar halls of our house,” Oh right, someone left something in our mail for you. I’m sure they did not know you already moved out. Anyway, I left it on your bed. I didn’t open it because you might get mad.”

“I would be, yes,” I joked,” I wonder what it is.”

“Maybe a congratulatory gift?” Mom shrugged. She did not notice that her statements contradicted each other. How can a person not know I moved on but know that I am engaged? Hm. It makes me think.

When we entered the room, there was this small box in the center of my bed.

“I’ll leave you alone to prepare some snacks. Tell Hyunjae to come here and we can have dinner together,” mom said. I just nodded politely, closing the door when my mom left me alone. I went directly to the bed and jumped into it.

Ah, the smell of home.

By that, I meant the smell of dust. Mom really meant it when she said that the only thing she did touch in this room was my bed. I lifted the small box and stared at it. I wonder who left this behind. It could not have been Kevin, Jacob, or Eric. We meet almost weekly at this point.

Was it one of my college friends?

Maybe Younghoon?

He was a good friend of mine back in high school and we did drift away from each other after graduating because we studied in different universities. Instead of asking myself who, I should find out what the contents of the box were. I opened it and found a hard drive. There was a note on the hard drive.

Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it. I remember you but why does it feel like I’ve really lost you?

The writing was familiar but I shrugged it off.

“I don’t have my computer here anymore,” I groaned. Better if I tuck this in my bag and check this out at home. I couldn’t think of anyone who would send something like this. Maybe it was for another person? I mean, it didn’t have my name. It didn’t have any name, to be honest. Checking out its contents would help me know who it was for. Maybe one of the neighbors.

I spent the rest of the day organizing my old clothes and belongings. There were times that the void I felt within me was filled. It was odd whenever it did. I held this grey hoodie and felt warm, even though I didn’t remember wearing it. I stared at this teddy bear I had on my desk and felt fluffy and sad at the same time, even though I didn’t remember receiving it.

And then, there was this necklace. It had a butterfly pendant on it.

“Losing our paths, wandering around together, just like we’re butterflies,” a man sang to me. Who is this person? The only clue I had was his voice. It had a nice timbre to it. It calmed me down. I could not see his face. It was all blurry in my mind as if this was a dream.

“Please sing more.”

My lips moved without me controlling them. Was this a memory? But then, who was this man? I don’t remember someone like him.

“I will always do that for you,” he said as he cupped my face. I closed my eyes.

“Juyeon-ah, you know that I get flustered easily.”

With that, I snapped myself out of the flashback.

What?

Juyeon?

Who was Juyeon to me before? Why didn’t anyone mention anything to me?

Around 7 PM, Hyunjae dropped by my parents’ house to pick me up. He smiled at me like he always did. I did not have any courage to tell him what I discovered while I was there. How would he feel when I tell him I had flashbacks of a possible former lover and that former lover is my most recent client?

I don’t want Hyunjae to feel scared.

“Eat dinner with us, Hyunjae,” my mom said, gesturing to the dining room,” I can whip up something delicious before my husband comes home.”

I tugged Hyunjae’s shirt. It was my way of telling him that I want alone time.

“No need, mom,” Hyunjae politely smiled,” We need to go home. We both had a long day.”

“Hm, alright,” mom sighed. She knew there was no stopping us.

“We’ll be going now,” I said. I knew mom would feel lonely but I needed more time to breathe. I did not know when the next flashback would come. I just knew it was about Juyeon.

“Take care, kids!” Mom bid us farewell.

As soon as Hyunjae and I got into the car, he turned to me.

“What’s wrong?” he asked,” Something seems to be bothering you.”

“I’m just tired, Jae,” I said as I leaned my head on the door,” Can we go home now?”

“Alright,” Hyunjae sighed,” But please remember, I’m just here. I’m always here…”

“For you,” another voice played in my head,” I can’t imagine myself without you.”

“I feel the same, Ju,” I hummed as I held Juyeon’s face in my hands. For such a big man, he had a small face. He smiled at me, like a child who received the toy he wanted for Christmas.

“I love you so much,” Juyeon looked into my eyes,” Only you.”

Tears suddenly streamed down my face. I did my best to hide these from Hyunjae. This will not help our relationship. He will figure out about these flashbacks sooner than I wanted. I need to hide this from him for a little longer. Until I figure everything out.

Since that day, I could find traces of Juyeon in Hyunjae. I did not like it at all, but everything Hyunjae did bring me back to these foreign moments I had with Juyeon. Every ‘I love you’ Hyunjae said, I would be transported to Juyeon saying them to me. Every time Hyunjae hugged me, I could smell Juyeon’s scent. Every time Hyunjae sang to me, I remembered every song Juyeon would sing to me.

It felt like a tsunami of emotions and memories. It was so difficult to keep up with everything. I started spending less time with Hyunjae to avoid these feelings. I needed to sort this matter by myself. I did not want to hurt Hyunjae at all.

But it all backfired. Because Hyunjae noticed it.

"Why do you feel so distant?" He asked me when we were eating dinner.  

“Distant? I am not,” I denied it. But I knew what he was saying was true.

I am distant. But this is better for us now. I cannot handle seeing another man in Hyunjae. He does not deserve that.

“Don’t lie to me,” Hyunjae sternly said. I knew, at that point, I had no choice but to answer.

"I... I don't know," I stuttered before I looked down.

"Did you remember something?"

"I wish I never did."

We stayed quiet for a few minutes. I did not want him to ask what it was. I did not know how to answer that.

“I saw it,” Hyunjae said.

“Saw what?”

“The hard drive,” Hyunjae answered, his eyes were slightly teary.

Oh right. The hard drive. I completely forgot about it after the mess of that day and left it in my bag. I guess Hyunjae found it while he was cleaning our condo.

“I haven’t…” My voice trailed off.

“Do you want to?” He asked. He was obviously nervous. I was too.

“I’m curious,” I answered.

“If you decide to break off the engagement after remembering everything, I’ll be okay, you know,” Hyunjae said,” You might be happier with that Juyeon person.”

“Jae…”

“Sweetie,” Hyunjae forced a smile, handing me the hard drive,” I’m just preparing myself for the worst.”

“You know I won’t—”

“You don’t know,” Hyunjae cut me off,” After watching the video in that hard drive, even I don’t know. Please watch it tomorrow, okay? When I’m out. I can’t handle… I don’t know.”

“Alright,” I sighed,” If it makes you feel better that way, I’ll just call Kevin over to explain everything.”

“That does make me feel better,” Hyunjae looked down,” I hope you get some clarity. I wish for your happiness in whatever you decide to do.”

“I will.”

When I called Kevin to go to our place the next day, he was surprised. But when I mentioned Juyeon’s name, his tone dropped.

“I never wanted you to find out. You and Hyunjae-hyung are so happy together. I don’t want to ruin that for you. Especially that Juyeon asked all of us to keep it a secret.”

“I don’t know about the video,” Kevin said as I handed him the hard drive,” But I think I know what it is for.”

“What is it for then?” I asked.

“I’m guessing, at this moment, it’s for closure but in the past, I think it’s better if we watch it,” Kevin answered. We connected the hard drive to my laptop and clicked the lone video file in it with the name “To My Beloved.”

It was a collection of short clips of Juyeon smiling and laughing. He kept calling my name, complimenting me… I was guessing this was a collection of our dates. I felt something in my chest. I continued watching. Juyeon kept smiling at the camera. Was it because I was behind it?

I rested my head on Kevin’s shoulder and let the tears fall.

“You know we can stop here,” he said.

“No,” I shook my head,” Oh god… Juyeon, I’m so sorry…”

The screen gradually turned black before it transitioned to a video of Juyeon in a simple room.

“Um, hello, I feel so awkward here,” Juyeon laughed.

“Get it together, Ju!” Another person was in the room. It sounded like Eric.

“Shut up! This isn’t your proposal video,” Juyeon covered his mouth when he realized what he said,” Okay, I spoiled it…”

“Hyung!” Eric whined,” Just continue. We don’t have all day!”

“Okay, okay,” Juyeon had this adorably determined expression on his face,” Okay, hey, you. Yes, you, my love, my life, my everything. I am so lucky to notice you in our student council meeting in junior high school. I am so lucky you said you liked me back when we graduated. I am so lucky we lasted this long. Oh god, I am so in love with you that I don’t know how to express this in words. You’re like the sunlight that peeks into the blinds in the morning or the moon illuminating the dark streets at night. You’re my blanket in winter and the splash of water in summer. You make everything feel so nice. I can’t believe you chose me out of all the people in the world…”

“Get to it, hyung! My battery’s about to run out!”

“Alright!” Juyeon shouted back at Eric,” What I want to say is… Will you marry me? If you come out of that room with the ring on your finger, I’ll take that as a yes. And if not… Oh well, I’m willing to wait until you’re ready!”

“Hey,” Kevin softly murmured,” Do you want the rest of the story? The other details about your accident?”

“What other details?” I asked,” I thought… I thought I was in a car crash because I wasn’t paying attention.”

“No,” he shook his head,” It was a car crash. That part is not wrong. But you… You weren’t paying attention because you and Juyeon got into a heated argument. It was about Juyeon getting jealous of you and Jacob, you know, you two acted like closer than friends. Juyeon usually kept it in that he was jealous but he exploded on that night and you ran away from him.”

“Oh no…” I covered my mouth,” Oh…”

“And…” Kevin inhaled,” It was your anniversary. I guess this was supposed to be his surprise when you two went home. But that happened.”

“Kevin…”

“After that, after we found out you were in a coma, Juyeon blamed himself. He made us promise that we won’t tell you about him. He even asked your parents to do that. He did not want you to remember the cause of your accident. It would hurt him more to see you suffer because of him,” he continued,” Knowing this, what will you do? How do you feel about it all?”

I do not know. Hearing all of this, my head hurt. I looked at the ring inside the box. So that was what was missing. Knowing Juyeon was this big part of my life… I don’t know. I had Hyunjae’s ring on my finger but it felt wrong. Remembering my feelings for Juyeon, and the fact that Juyeon made me feel complete, it felt wrong to wear this ring that Hyunjae gave me.

What did this mean?

Was Hyunjae a replacement for Juyeon?

Was I finding Juyeon in Hyunjae unconsciously?

“So what will you do?” Kevin asked me again,” Do you want some time alone?”

“Please,” I said as I took the box and put it on my lap,” I… Do you have Juyeon’s number?”

“I do… But are you sure about this?” Kevin asked.

“Let’s just see.”

I thought about it. If I always saw Juyeon in Hyunjae… Doesn’t that mean I was always Juyeon’s? The fact that I never felt complete with Hyunjae, doesn’t that mean Juyeon was the missing piece? But Hyunjae does not deserve this. He takes care of me so well. He loves me with all his heart. But I guess my heart made its decision even before I met Hyunjae.

I only had one man in my mind. And it was Juyeon.

I called the number Kevin gave me and asked Juyeon to meet me at the park, where we were supposedly arguing before the accident.

I’m so sorry, Hyunjae.

Hyunjae was walking home from work, nervous about what his lover’s answer was. He wanted to keep them for himself. He wanted to marry them. They were his world. But if it meant they would be happy, he was willing to surrender them to Juyeon.

His feet stopped when he saw his love and Juyeon in the park together. They were hugging.

They were happy and crying.

He noticed that they had a different ring on their finger. He knew it would end up like this. He knew he would lose against someone like that. Did Hyunjae really have them from the start? 

It hurt him thinking about that. But he guessed this was the right thing. It was only right for him to let go of them. 

“If it means that you’re happy…” Hyunjae smiled bitterly,” I’ll willingly lay down my arms for you. How can I fight against someone your heart has always been yearning for? I knew it. I knew from the start that you weren’t mine wholly, but I guess I kept ignoring the truth until it stabbed me in the back.”

Hyunjae continued walking toward their condo.

“Be happy with him… for me, please,” he prayed as he looked up to the sky. For some reason, the stars looked lonelier than they usually did.

Or maybe it was only Hyunjae who felt that.