Work Text:
...
He hadn’t known.
All this time, Lan Zhan had been living in regal shadows. A mausoleum of hope stretched thin and snuffed by order. White walls stretching out like the wisps of early morning clouds. Cold and beautiful and transparent in their purpose.
And then with a dance of black robes and the glint of a smile; fierce and unrepentant, the foundations of the marble stone cracked around him.
Like seeing a beam of light pour into a dark cave. Lan Zhan looked with untrained eyes, struggling against a new and unforgiving brightness.
What would happen if he allowed himself near? If he met the teasing remarks with the passion they ignited within him. Would it burn him? Scorch him and bleed him until he was defenseless?
The rules guide one towards self-restraint. They hold him, ground him in a world of pale white. Where things are known.
“Lan Zhan! Your ribbon is crooked! Let me fix it for you.”
No, he thinks. He refuses. He likes the known. Those who seek more have paid for it. The Lans have paid for it. His father had paid for it.
“Hanguang-jun! Lan Wangji! Lan Zhan! Lan-er-gege! Won’t you look at me?”
But the light will not be refused. It shreds the quiet, it illuminates the white walls and splatters upon it the colors of dawn.
“How can someone as handsome as you have such a frigid face? If you ever smiled, you’d have to beat off young maidens from far and wide with a stick!”
It hurts him.
That there are other shades of righteousness. That the light that blinds, fills him with delicious warmth. It hurts to know. The knowledge is unbearable. How do you survive the racing thoughts and the panic that settles like a second skin? The uncertainty cuts at him. Cleaving and hashing at his innards to make room for a new something. A delicate bloom both unwittingly festered and reluctantly nurtured.
The knowledge breathes with him and the moment grey eyes fall on him, he is lost.
...