Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

‘Know yourself’ they say,

‘Know who you are’ they say,

But what is knowing myself?

What is knowing who I am?

Is it feeling the graze of cold wind

Against your face smiling, and yet

Feeling the licks of flame

Burning you from inside?

Is it laughing out loud

Joyful, unrestrained, uncontrolled, and yet

Fighting the smothering loneliness

That clawed at your soul?

Is it one looking at the mirror

And seeing multiple ripples of the same soul

Not expecting to be surprised by it,

But being surprised nonetheless?

Is it closing your eyes to visit

that one place only you can travel to,

And facing your ripples, wondering

‘What are you?’

Is it knowing that the masks you wear,

The lies and half-truths you weave,

The true smiles and sobs you let show,

Are just part of yourself?

Is it in the end,

Seeing past your persona,

And asking yourself

‘Who am I?’

Chapter Text

Dream

Though my beginning may be humble

I will Dream

For this is what I crave

Dream

Through cries of ridicule and disbelief 

I will Dream

For this is will be my blood

Dream

Though I may not be there yet

I will Dream

For this is my craft

Dream 

Through the obstacles I will face

I will Dream

For this is my first love

Dream

Though I will fall down

I will Dream

For this is me

Chapter Text

I try to hold back,

hand over my mouth

Holding

Suffocating

But I can’t stop,

I can’t stop the words 

Words sharp as the

shining Bloody knife

And I see your face,

drained of life

Eyes a shattered mirror

But is it you or me?

It’s not your fault 

But then why is it so hard

To forgive you?

Why do I punish you

Saying it’ll be better

When you are me?

I scream into the void

Again and again

Why does no one hear me?

Am I unworthy

or do I have no voice?

Tell me I can’t bear it anymore

I continue on with my life

Soul in shreds

Words still as sharp

Colours of my world

Blue and Grey

Someone save me

Chapter Text

I never wanted to be like you

That’s what I said

When all breath left my lungs

When I slid down the wall

Eyes burning with regret

I never wanted to be like you

The venom lathered words

Aimed to cut, injure, hurt

That shot out of your lips

I hate that (I hate you)

I never wanted to be like you

The burning rage hiding in your cracks

Like lava, waiting to destroy 

Waiting to tear down the sky

I hate that (I hate you)

I never wanted to be like you

Suffocating ice one time

Loving hearth another

Always pushing and pulling 

I hate that (I hate you)

I never wanted to be like you 

Fleeting promises one morning

Unprecedented acts of warmth another

Perplexity a worn word 

I hate that (I hate you)

I never wanted to be like you

Flaming daggers on tip of tongue

Ruckus a universal happening

Day in day out

I hate that (I hate you)

I never wanted to be like you

I never wanted to be like that

But I guess I am more like you than I intended

I guess it was inevitable 

I guess I am like you

I never wanted to be like you

The value of knowledge 

Of what it means to know

You taught me that

I love that (I love you)

I never wanted to be like you

Easy smiles and boisterous laughs 

Of making friends out of strangers

You taught me that

I love that (I love you)

I never wanted to be like you

Sharp eyes and a quick mind

Of seeing trust and lies

You taught me that 

I love that (I love you)

I never wanted to be like you

Gentle smiles and love 

Of small acts

You taught me that 

I love that (I love you)

I never wanted to be like you

Spite and fire simmering underneath 

Of not backing down

You taught me that

I love that (I love you)

I never wanted to be like you

But here I am

Both the best and worst of me

Are of you

I guess I am like you

I guess I am like you

I hate that (I hate you)

I love that (I love you)

I won’t change that 

I won’t change you

Chapter Text

It wasn’t the grey sweatshirt

Or the black nerdy glasses

That drew me in

I don’t know if it was the

Black smoke that covered you

Or the silence that 

Wrapped around you

That made me pause

I don’t know if it was 

The fault of my eyes

That made me dismiss you

Even though I was

Curious

Then you talked

A low murmur and 

A quiet presence

I wonder, was it that

That made me frown

You didn’t know then

That I had already

Formed an opinion

You sat next to me

An awkward kid

Curious and holding yourself back

And I began talking

Opinions change

And that’s how my perspective

Of you changed

You, now, say I helped you

That the cage of fear

You weaved around yourself

Burnt because of me

You say you didn’t know

That it felt good

To be yourself

And I shake my head 

Wondering whether you 

(Just like me)

Missed the galaxy in you

Shining brighter every time I see you

The half crescents of your eyes

When you smile

(Like I wondered why you didn’t before)

The squeaky lilt to your voice

When you laugh

(Making me hide a smile)

The slurred words when you

Slump not caring who’s watching 

(A contrast to what I saw in you first)

Makes me wonder

Was it you that changed 

Or was it me who learned to see you

I don’t know

An Enigma you were

To the me of yesterday

An Enigma you are 

To the me of today

And I wish, My Sadness to my Disgust

An Enigma you will be

To the me of tomorrow

Chapter Text

it’s hard to understand

perhaps because i’m scared unwilling.

i don’t want to put it into words —

it won’t be any good for me

understanding where this 

stupid

stupid

ache comes from.

it hurts and jabs and cuts and

it persists.

my palms bleed when i rub at it and 

my mind screams when i try to claw it out.

so,

i’ll keep quiet —

quickly let it rot my insides until

a gaping chasm opens up

and finally and maybe

lets through 

some meagre sunlight

and i hope, oh gods, how terribly 

i hope

that 

something 

will

thaw . 

—m.v