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Dean groaned. He could smell stale pizza and that detergent they have at the bunker, even feel the scratchy sheets on his skin. Maybe Miracle’s head warm on top of his foot.
Wasn’t he just on a bridge?
He opened his eyes. There were the walls of his room, crap still thrown just where it should be, the job application still on his desk. He looked to the left. And there was his overgrown brother, dozing in the chair he must’ve dragged over from the desk.
“Sam?”
Sam’s head jerked up instantly. “Dean! Hey, hey—easy.” He put his hand on his brother’s shoulder as Dean shuffled to sit up.
“Am I dead?”
“What do you remember?”
“We were on a vamp hunt.” Dean frowned, trying to piece together the memories. “Vamps in skeleton masks. Fight got dicey. Then one nailed me to one of the beams. Definitely not the fun kind of nailed.”
Sam huffed a laugh.
“And I was saying goodbye to you.” Dean looked at Sam. “Man, I really thought it was the end. It was lights out.” He frowned again. “I was at the Roadhouse and Bobby was there. He said it was Heaven.
“And there were these other flashes, too, of you. Being all sad Sam again and then marrying…someone. You even had a kid with my name stuck to his clothes. And you got all old and you were still so…sad. You had my baby cooped up in the garage.
“Then I saw you, you. I was standing at this bridge and you were there. And then I woke up here.” Dean shook his head. “Shoulda known it wasn’t real. You’d’ve never let your hair go gray like that.”
Dean heard Sam sniffle and glanced over at him. His brother’s eyes looked glassy.
“Damn it, Sam, you didn’t make a deal or somethin’? This ain’t 2007.”
“What? Dean, no. You passed out just before Jack showed up. He healed you.”
“Jack came?”
“Yeah, he’s still here. Zapped you, me, and the Impala back to the bunker.”
Dean looked lost for words. “After all the shit I gave him, and he still saved me.”
“Look, Dean, I know it’s been rough between you two since day one. You’d just lost Cas, and Jack was the easiest to blame. And then with Mom…
“But I know you always cared about him. Almighty or not, he’s just a kid. They’ve always been your soft spot. He’s Cas’s kid and he’s mine and he’s yours. He is family. I know what that means to you.”
“Man, Sam, tell me how you really feel.”
Sam shot him a reproachful look.
“Look, I know. I know. There’s a shit-ton of things I wish I could take back. Guess it doesn’t really matter which things were me and which were Chuck puttin’ words in my mouth. They still hurt him.”
“Hello.”
Sam and Dean looked toward the doorway to see Jack standing there, smiling softly.
“Jack.” Something like awe shone in Dean’s eyes.
Jack walked to the foot of the bed.
“I know I said I’d be hands off, but…um…I really didn’t like where this story was going.”
Dean laughed. “Yeah, guess we still need the training wheels on. Ganked in a vamp hunt—not what I would’ve written either.”
“No, Dean, you and Sam deserve to live a long life. Happy, peaceful. You shouldn’t have to be in Heaven for that.”
“So did I—was I really there?”
“No longer than you’ve been before. It’s more like you were walking the line between here and Heaven, maybe time, too.”
“That’s what those weird flashes of Sam were?”
Jack shrugged. “Maybe. You could say I’m making it up as I go.” Jack frowned. “Chuck left kind of a mess behind. Cas has been guiding me, though! Filling in the blanks where Chuck—”
“Cas?! He’s alive?”
Jack smiled. “Of course. When you guys went back home, I got Cas out of the Empty. It wasn’t hard. Actually, he was already awake. He said a big surge of energy woke him up. We think it was when I absorbed Chuck’s power.”
“Well not surprising he’d wake up for that. Big day for you. He wouldn’t want to miss his son’s first day of being God.”
Jack chuckled.
“But it’s been weeks, kid. You brought everyone back. You brought Eileen back—Sammy’s been so happy, you should’ve seen his face.”
Sam laughed. “Dean, shut up.”
“Hey, I’m happy for you crazy kids, you deserve some damn happiness. Even if it does mean putting up some silencing wards.”
“Dean!”
“Hey, what did Jody say? Don’t have it if you can’t talk about it.”
“She didn’t mean in front of—” Sam gestured toward Jack.
Jack just looked amusedly between them.
“Anyway, life was good. Sam went on his morning jogs. I had my dog, Miracle, here. But then that vamp son of a bitch shish-kebabbed me.” Dean frowned. “Dean freakin’ Winchester, staked. Sam, I take back what I said in my death haze, that is not how I planned to go out.”
“Maybe just be more careful next time. Start with the dead man’s blood bullets,” said Jack.
“You know, kid, I think you’re right.”
Jack looked down, fidgeting nervously with his fingers. “You’re my dad, Dean, I couldn’t let you die. Not so soon, not before—”
“Before…?”
“Before you get to experience things. New things. This is your life to choose. No more strings, Dean.” Jack looked between Sam and Dean. “You and Sam. But for what it’s worth, I want you to feel like you don’t have to just carry on.”
“What’re you saying, Jack?”
“You always said that saving people, hunting things, it was the family business. But this isn’t Chuck’s world anymore.”
“What about all those things still out there?”
“There’s other hunters. There’s me. Haven’t you and Sam given enough?”
“So you’re saying we should retire. Geez, thanks, way to make a guy feel old.” Dean chuckled. He looked over to Sam, and they shared a long look. Dean nodded. This wasn’t the first time they’d had this conversation. He eased out from under the covers and gingerly stood, walking a few steps to stand in front of Jack.
“You know what, Jack, I think you’re right. If this was 15 years ago, I would’ve told you to take a hike. Hunting’s what I’ve known my whole life. But getting this second wind, Cas being back, I’m not lookin’ to die on the head of a pin anymore, not if I have a choice. So, thank you for saving me. Really. And for saving Sam from one hell of a lame life if what I saw was anything close to real. You’ve done so much for me—for both of us.
“But what you were willing to do, sacrificing yourself for our freedom…I shouldn’t’ve been okay with that.” Dean shook his head. “I don’t know…maybe it was just easier pretending it didn’t matter.
“Because you made mistakes, and honestly, I kinda hated you for some of them. But I’ve got at least 40 years of mistakes on my tab, too. And I should’ve remembered that. So I’m sorry, Jack, for all those times I hurt you. There’s never a good excuse for hurting your family. And you are, Jack—you’re my family, I need you to know that.”
“I know, Dean. But it’s nice to hear it in your voice.”
“Come ’ere, kid.” Dean wrapped his arms around Jack and pulled him close.
Jack smiled softly, hugging Dean a little tighter. “I love you, too, Dean.”
“I didn’t—”
“I can feel it in your soul.”
Dean let go and stepped back. One hand grasped Jack’s shoulder while his other reached up to hold Jack’s face. Dean took a deep breath. “My dad told me he loved me about once in a blue frickin’ moon, and look where that got me. I know my own feelings about as well as the back of my own head.
“My mom had to be trapped in her own head for me to say it to her. And I had to be literally stuck to a hunk of wood before I said it to my brother. Then someone tells me they love me, and I freeze because I have no frickin’ idea what they mean.”
Jack frowned, looking confused.
“Point is, if I’m gonna be hangin’ up my guns for good, I gotta let that shit go, too. I can’t promise I’m gonna say it all the time, maybe I’ll work up to that. But I’m gonna say it more or die trying.”
“Please don’t,” Sam quietly chimed in.
Dean smirked, glancing at Sam. “I love you, too, Sammy.”
Surprise washed over Sam’s face.
Dean looked back at Jack, his gaze intent. “I love you, Jack. You’re my son, so don’t ever doubt that. Not again. And you don’t have to do anything to earn that, alright? I know how that feels. It sucks.”
Jack smiled with sheer joy.
There’s a knock at the doorway. Dean looked up, his eyes widened as he let go of Jack.
“Cas?”
“Hello, Dean.”
Dean looked to Jack, who nodded his head encouragingly. Then he looked to his brother, who was smiling, too, looking almost relieved. Dean realized he never got around to telling Sam the whole story, what Cas had said before the Empty took him. He wondered if maybe he already kinda knew.
Sam got up from his chair beside the bed. “Come on, Jack, think these two have a conversation to finish.” He looked at Dean and tilted his head toward Cas.
Dean could take a hint.
“Hey, Jack?”
Jack turned to look back at Dean.
“Don’t be a stranger, alright. I know you said you’d be floatin’ in the wind with the sunshine and daisies…but come visit your old mans once in a while.”
Jack smiled. “I will.”
Cas smiled fondly at Jack as he left through the doorway.
Sam clapped Cas on the shoulder as he passed him, too. “Good to have you back, Cas. We missed you.”
“Thanks, Sam.”
“Come on, Miracle.”
The dog hopped down from Dean’s bed and followed Sam, licking Cas’s hand on the way out.
Cas chuckled, watching the dog leave. He looked back, the feeling of Dean’s eyes on him nearly prickling his skin. The room felt especially quiet now with just the two of them.
“Dean—”
“Cas—”
They laughed softly.
Cas reached back to close the bedroom door before stepping farther into the room. “What you said to Jack just now—”
“You heard all that?”
“I was in the kitchen actually. But the way you spoke to him, it was like a prayer. You were promising him safety.”
Dean huffed. “Kid hardly needs me to keep him safe now.”
“Chuck didn’t have a soul, Dean. Not even grace. That’s why he made such a terrible god. He could never really understand what it was like to care, to love. But Jack does. And yes, he’s made mistakes. But he has one of the kindest souls I have ever seen. He needed you to say what you did.”
“Yeah, well, a near-death experience—again—will do that to ya.”
Cas squinted at Dean. “I’m very mad at you about that.”
Dean laughed humorlessly. “Well, not like I did it on purpose.”
They glared at each other.
“I’ve seen you die enough times, Dean. I know Jack won’t let you…knock on Heaven’s door before you’re old and gray. But don’t make us watch you die again.”
“Could say the same to you, buddy. What were you thinking, leaving like that?”
“I had a way to protect you from Billie, so I took it. I wasn’t going to let you die, Dean, not when you were so close to finding happiness.”
“Happiness? Cas, we had Chuck on our tail. You mighta missed it while you were tuckin’ into the big sleep, but it was hopeless after that. Everyone was gone. No you, no Eileen, not even the freakin’ birds! We beat Chuck by the seat of our pants. Like we always do.”
“I would’ve been there if I could, Dean. I didn’t want to leave.”
“Cas, I know. And I know I said Billie was gonna kill us, but maybe we coulda held her off. But then you started…saying things and…just promise me you won’t do that again. I don’t want us getting in hot water and finding out Jack’s not the Energizer Bunny. I want you here, Cas. Please.”
Cas smiled softly. “I’m not going anywhere, Dean.”
“Good. Good.” Dean breathed deeply, steeling himself.
It was time. Enough waiting, enough holding back.
Dean lunged toward the angel and all but tackled the goddamn love of his life. His arms wrapped around Cas’s shoulders, hands clenched in that stupid trench coat with nine lives. He buried his face in the angel’s neck. After spending 99 percent of their friendship trying to keep it arms length, now close didn’t feel close enough.
He felt Cas’s arms tentatively wrap around him. But that gentleness didn’t last long, not before the angel’s hands pulled him even closer.
Dean could’ve stood there longer like that, but there was something else he needed to do. He leaned back, putting a few inches between them. His hands moved to rest at the base of Cas’s neck. “Cas, I have something to say.”
“Dean, I’m not expecting…you don’t have to—”
“No, I do. I really do. Because I have missed you every day. And I have been waiting for you to walk through that door ever since Jack brought the whole world back. Seven billion people, but not the one…not you.”
“After the Empty, Jack asked for my guidance with Heaven, Dean. I thought you’d be fine for a few days.”
Dean shot him an exasperated look.
Cas continued undeterred. “After what I told you…I wanted to give you time to process. I didn’t want to overwhelm you. More than anything, I feared what my confession would mean for our friendship.”
“And you thought me thinking you were dead would help me process?”
“Well, when you say it like that—”
“Damn it, Cas, you told me you loved me and then you died! Again!”
“I told you the truth to save you, Dean, to give you a chance at life. But I know what I mean to you. Family don’t end in blood, isn’t that what you always say? From you, that means everything. It’s enough.”
“You stupid bastard, do you really think that’s all you are to me? An angel on my shoulder? A third brother? My frickin’ BFF?”
“Dean, maybe you aren’t understanding what I meant when I said…what I said. I love you like…like Bert and Ernie.”
Dean laughed. “You remember that?”
“I remember everything you say, Dean.”
Dean looked fondly at the angel. It felt strange being this close to him for this long. Good weird, but still weird. “Cas, I think we’ve been pretty fuckin’ stupid, you and me.”
Cas frowned, tilting his head just like the day they met all those years ago.
“Even if you felt something for me, Dean, I have a male…well, I don’t think vessel applies anymore. I understand I’m not quite what you’d want.”
“Dammit, Cas.” Dean rolled his eyes. “I know I had a thing for Busty Asian Beauties and cartoon porn and freakin’ Daphne. And you’ve walked in on me with a woman more than one too many times.” Dean took a deep breath. “But women aren’t my only thing, Cas. Dudes are fine, too.”
Cas stared at him.
“Thanks for keeping your promise, Cas, but I think you did a little too good of a job not pokin’ around in my head.”
“Oh.”
“I guess it might’ve helped if you’d known that. Last I checked, though, female was more your thing, too. April, Meg, that four-woman orgy I interrupted.” Dean noticed Cas’s confusion and shook his head. “Other you.”
“I never really had occasion. Most of my attention was on you.”
Dean huffed. “Yeah. Well, now that those cats are outta the bag…”
Cas looked like he wasn’t remembering to breathe. Not that the angel technically needed to.
“You know I don’t do relationships.”
Cas looked down.
Dean could feel the angel’s grip on his back start to lessen.
“Wait! Just hear me out.”
Cas’s blue eyes radiated fear and hope when he looked back up.
Dean knew he had to get this right.
“When the Empty took you…after everything you said. I couldn’t even get back on my feet, Cas. We were down in the dirt, our friends blinking out of existence. But you told me you loved me. And I didn’t know what to think. I had no idea, Cas. And I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry you died thinking it only went one way.”
Dean saw the last bit of fear drain from Cas’s eyes. Wonder took its place.
“Because I didn’t get to tell you…” Dean winced, feeling the pressure building behind his eyes. “Fuck, I love you, too, Cas. So fucking much. You can have me. Whatever there is left of me.”
It felt like a dam had broke. Dean could hardly see through the damn waterworks his eyes were having. But he still saw the tears streaming down Cas’s face and a smile that Dean had never seen before on the angel spreading across his handsome face.
Dean felt the tears on his own cheeks fall. He’d finally said it, and Cas wasn’t running for the hills. He felt freer than the day Jack turned Chuck into an empty shell. No more strangely heavy heart, no more longing or guilt or shame.
Dean Winchester was finally saved.
“Dean?”
Cas’s voice dragged Dean back to the moment. Right, he still had an angel in his arms.
“Yeah, Cas?”
“I know I said it already, but since Death was literally knocking at the door at the time…I love you, again.”
Dean laughed. Deeper and louder than probably necessary. But damn, he was happy. Sam had Eileen. Jack was home. And Cas fucking loved him.
“Fuck, I’m glad I’m not dead.”
“I would’ve visited you in Heaven, too, Dean.”
“Yeah, but I wanna live, Cas. I’ve never really gotten to do that. And this, you and me, freakin’ Bert and Ernie, being the life I get to live. That’s what I want. Heaven can wait.”
They stood there a long moment, breathing heavily like they’d just done something a lot more fun. The past decade suddenly coming down to the last few minutes was a trip.
“Dean, now what?”
Dean smiled. “Now? Now we do what shouldn’t have taken us 12 goddamn years to get around to doing.” He licked his lips, then moved his hands up to cradle Cas’s face. Dean could feel Cas’s fingers dig into his skin through his shirt. His heart began to race.
He couldn’t remember ever feeling this nervous. He’s Dean freakin’ Winchester for fuck’s sake. He took a deep breath. His eyes glanced at Cas’s full lips, then back to his eyes. Those blue eyes that contained a being larger than he could ever imagine. But to Dean, he was just Cas. His family. The best friend he ever had. The person he loved. The man he would be in love with for as long as his soul existed. He could do this.
“I love you, Cas.” Dean’s eyes closed just as his lips crashed against the angel’s.
Cas whimpered, pulling Dean flush to his body.
Cas’s lips felt as soft and warm as they always looked. They moved together without having to think, lips and tongue and teeth playing along to whatever beat pulsed between them.
Minutes passed before one of Dean’s hands slid to the back of Cas’s neck, his fingers catching in the angel’s dark mess of hair. He gave it a soft tug.
Cas growled.
Dean’s breath definitely stopped.
Cas gripped Dean even harder, one hand moving up between his shoulder blades and the other wrapping around his lower back.
Dean couldn’t remember the last time someone had held him like that. He definitely couldn’t remember ever feeling this safe being held like that. He felt Cas’s lips leave his own, trailing down his neck to just below his jaw. Fuck. His grip in Cas’s hair tightened. “Cas…”
“Dean…”
“Fuck, don’t stop.” Dean felt Cas guiding him backward. The back of his legs hit the edge of the bed, then suddenly he was horizontal with an armful of angel above him.
“Whoa.”
“My apologies. Jack was able to heal my wings. Seemed faster.”
Dean huffed. “Cas, I’m not complainin’.”
They smiled, both breathing heavily again. If this was what kissing Cas felt like, he could only imagine—
“Dean?”
“Yeah, Cas?”
“We’re both a couple of dumbasses, aren’t we?”
“Damn right, we are.”
Cas brought his lips to Dean’s. A soft, simple kiss. Blue eyes met green.
“So what now?”
“Now? Whatever we want.”