Archive of Our Own

Their group was still young. It had only been a few days since Kaneki returned safely from the Aogiri hideout, but Tsukiyama made sure that he and his newly formed group would be comfortable, providing them with a home and all of the things they would need. Even if the others didn't need him, he enjoyed holding onto that little smile that Kaneki had shown him when he accepted him into the group. It was quickly followed by a threatening warning, but he still felt like he had room to work with.

No matter what horrible things he did before, Kaneki was willing to trust him again.

It was a foolish mistake, really, but if Kaneki were willing to give him the opportunity, then Tsukiyama wasn't about to question his luck. He was grateful. After discovering the world's greatest delicacy, he wasn't sure what he would've done if Kaneki forced him away and rejected him. If it came down to that, he knew he wouldn't have simply given up. He would've continued to seek a way to devour him, even if it meant a direct confrontation with him. Even if it required him to risk his life, he was sure that it would've been a risk worth taking.

But he was glad that things didn't have to be that way now.

He didn't want to take Kaneki by force. From the beginning, he had an unusual feeling about him unlike anything he felt with anyone else he'd pursued. It was dangerous for him to think of his food as anything more than food, but it was hard not to notice all of the things that he and Kaneki had in common. He was something more than a meal. Kaneki was... an experience. As he spent more time with him, Tsukiyama only came to find him more interesting and appealing.

Time only deepened Kaneki's appeal. He wanted to devour him in every imaginable way now.

For that reason, he needed Kaneki to trust him. If he tried to eat him without Kaneki being aware, he knew that he wouldn't feel satisfied.

He continued to watch him carefully. Although the others didn't know how to respond to Kaneki's new behavior, Tsukiyama wasn't surprised, considering what he had gone through at the Aogiri hideout. He couldn't imagine what it must have been like to be at the mercy of that disgusting, tasteless heathen of a man, but he understood that it must have been a terrible experience. He went in as a soft, delicate person and came out acting like someone entirely different. It wasn't surprising that the others were surprised, but they clearly weren't looking deep enough.

Tsukiyama could tell that the gentle Kaneki was still somewhere within him. After being dragged to hell and back countless times, Kaneki left the hideout with his eyes open, but he was still Kaneki Ken. He still carried the same scent. He was still capable of looking at him gently. Even though he had caused him so much trouble, Kaneki was still able to look at him that way and show him a glimpse of his kindness.

He didn't know why the others couldn't see it. They were too concerned with what was on the surface. Hinami was still young, and Banjou and the trio were just an illiterate bunch, so perhaps it wasn't right to blame them for their inability to notice it. If they stopped trying to look for him, they would've already realized that he was right there in front of them. There was no use in getting worried over Kaneki's behavior. Seeing the way they worried about him only made things more difficult for Kaneki and pressured him to act in a way that made him uncomfortable.

Because of that, Kaneki had spent at least a full day in his room alone.

Tsukiyama's concern was different from the concern shared by Hinami and the others, but he was concerned for him nonetheless. He understood what made Kaneki wander around the house listlessly with a sour look on his face, but that didn't make it any easier to see. The flavor of Kaneki's new, difficult mode made him seem more exciting and challenging, but Tsukiyama couldn't help but miss his original flavor. It unsettled him, unnerved him, made him feel anxious to see him sulking that way – especially around this time of the year.

Based on the way he was acting, it was as if Kaneki hadn't even realized.

It wasn't just him, unfortunately. The others seemed to be so concerned with him that they hadn't realized it either.

At the moment, Kaneki was content to pretend as if the world didn't exist, but time continued to move around him whether he paid attention to it or not.

Tsukiyama didn't bother mentioning it, knowing what to expect. If he brought it up in front of them, they probably would have acted offended, like they couldn't believe that he would be thinking about something as frivolous as Christmas at a time like this while Kaneki was suffering.

That was why he had to do something, though. He needed to pull Kaneki out of his cloudy mood before it became permanent. It was alright for him to give himself a day or two to sort it out and recover, but Tsukiyama didn't want to see him getting stuck in that rainy mindset. There were things they needed to do, and he wouldn't idly sit by and watch Kaneki lose his flavor little by little, day by day.

He decided to take matters into his own hands.

On the night of the eve, he went out and bought everything that he needed for his plans. What began as a short list turned into much more than expected as he found far too many things that tickled his fancy. It was just one gift here, one decoration there until he found himself with an armful of things that he hadn't set out to buy. He felt a little ridiculous walking around with a giant bag of Christmas decorations, but when he caught a glimpse of his reflection in a shop window, he realized that he looked a bit like Santa with his bag of toys.

Before heading back to the house, he stopped to think about whether there was anything else he needed. He got presents for Kaneki and Hinami, and, while it killed him to spend his own money on Banjou and the three stooges, he thought it would be best to include them as well, so he bought something for each of them. (That was bound to win him some significant points with Kaneki.) Though he had all of that taken care of, he hoped that he had everything he needed to decorate the house.

There was one thing he was missing; something very important.

He had no tree. Since the others weren't exactly expecting to see him, he planned to bring everything with him at once, so he couldn't just leave all of his gifts at the house and turn back around for a tree.

So he called his two most loyal helpers. It was going to cost him at least five parfaits, but that was a small price to pay. They agreed to find a tree for him and would bring it over first thing in the morning before anyone woke up.

With that set, he spent a bit of time on his own getting all of the gifts wrapped and then waited around, just passing the time until he felt confident that the house would all be asleep. See, he wasn't exactly supposed to be there. Even though he was the one who paid for the home and all of their living expenses, they didn't allow him to stay there with them because they didn't trust him enough. It was all a bit backwards, but he was willing to agree with just about anything as long as it showed them that he was just a good person who was trying to gain their trust.

He couldn't care less about what Banjou and his three goons thought about him, but he realized that it would be important to be in their favor if he hoped to be in Kaneki's. Getting closer to them would indirectly bring him closer to Kaneki. If he played his cards right, he would have Kaneki eating out of his palm in no time. Then, once Kaneki was comfortable with him, it would be easy for him to take a bite.

The time passed quickly when he was preoccupied with such pleasant thoughts. He could envision it so clearly. Once he had him acting like his old self again, Kaneki would look at him with that soft smile and he would praise him for all of his hard work and then, finally, he would have his long-awaited reward.

He could hardly wait.

Feeling more motivated than ever, he finally headed out to the group's home. At a time safely after midnight, with a warm scarf around his neck, he braved the snow with his bag of gifts and decorations in hand. He may not have been a welcomed guest, but that didn't mean that he needed to break in. He was the one paying for their stay, after all, so it followed that he would have a key of his own. They had to be daft if they thought he wouldn't have one.

Being as quiet as possible, he set his things down outside the door and slowly, carefully turned the key in the lock and let himself in. Just as he had hoped, the place was still and silent with not a soul awake to greet him. The only light he saw came from the window in the living room that was left open, light from the streetlights outside casting obscure shadows across the floor.

Trusting that no one was going to notice, he crept through the darkened room and turned on the lamp in the corner so he could see what he was doing. Returning to the entrance, he picked up his bag and brought it with him to the living room and set it down on the couch. Unfortunately, some of the things he brought were going to have to wait until Chie and Kanae arrived with the tree.

He didn't know if Kaneki had ever had a Christmas tree before, but he hoped to furnish the most beautiful Christmas tree Kaneki had ever laid his eyes on. He was secretly hoping to impress him. If everything went as planned, it was going to be hard for Kaneki to walk into the living room in the morning and not smile.

...Of course, it might be surprising when they woke up and found the place decorated in lights and holiday colors, but he knew that it would be but an instant before they were thanking him for such a magnifique surprise.

Feeling rather confident about all of this, he reached into the bag and pulled out the first package of lights. While he was in the store, he spent a long time agonizing over whether he should choose small, thin Christmas lights or the kind that were fat and round. Ultimately, he decided that the thin ones looked more elegant. Thankfully, he had the foresight to also buy an extension cord and a new power strip. It would've been a big disappointment if he'd gone through all of that effort just to discover that he wasn't able to plug in the lights.

It was kind of funny. He never got this into Christmas when he was younger. If he were on his own, if he had never met Kaneki, he was pretty sure that he wouldn't have given the holiday much thought. If his parents didn't force him to join them for another family get-together or holiday benefit event, he would've probably sat at home and relaxed. He enjoyed any opportunity to dress up and impress, but anything was better than forcing himself to make smalltalk with the daughters of his father's associates.

For Kaneki, however, he was willing to do anything. As long as it brought him closer to tasting him, no effort was too great. He even found himself feeling in the spirit of the season as he went from store to store collecting things to decorate the house, excited by the opportunity to impress him with his handiwork.

The first row of lights was hung around the perimeter of the living room ceiling. He had to stand on the furniture to reach, but he thankfully didn't need to move anything in order to get it up there. It was easy enough to stand on the couch and the armchairs. It would have been quite disastrous if he fell, so he tried to be as careful as possible and didn't make a sound as he attached the string of lights to the wall. He turned on the first row of red lights to make sure they worked, then returned to the bag for the green ones. He tried to hang them more creatively, but he didn't want to be a perfectionist when he was working with delicate, limited time. One false move could wake one of them and ruin everything.

He turned on the second row to test them and was immediately disappointed when he noticed a dead bulb in the middle of the line. It was just one bulb, but he couldn't help but feel annoyed that something so small could ruin the perfection of his work. Standing back, crossing his arms over his chest, he tilted his head and gave it a scrutinizing look. Once he had the rest of the things up, he just had to hope that it would distract them from that one obnoxious dead bulb.

There was still another string of white lights to hang, but he felt like moving along to something else. His eye twitched just thinking about that bulb.

Pushing aside the many boxes of ornaments, he freed the wreath from the back of the bag. Just holding it up filled the room with the aromatic scent of fresh pine. After straightening the red bow on it, he took a glance around the room and found the perfect spot for it. Crossing the room, he affixed the wreath to the mantle on the wall behind the TV. It made him feel good to finally add some color to the room.

As he returned to the bag of decorations, his terrible luck finally caught up with him, making his foot land on the one floorboard in the room that let out a ghastly creak. Freezing instantly, his heart leapt to his throat and he looked around with held breath. If someone like Hinami were to hear him and came to investigate, then he wouldn't feel so worried. He felt sure that he would be able to explain things to her and that she would go back to bed after, but anyone else...

How would he explain himself to Kaneki if he caught him now?

After what felt like a solid minute of silence had passed, he took in a much-needed breath to calm himself and tried to relax. It seemed that no one had heard him. After that long, he was sure that anyone who was awake would have already come out for a look if they felt suspicious. Even in a new house, it wasn't that unusual to hear noises at night when everything else was quiet. They had to be still sleeping peacefully, heedless of his tireless midnight work.

It was pretty exciting. He couldn't wait to see how everything paid off in the morning.

Grinning to himself, he returned to the bag and pulled out a set of four nutcrackers. The first two, one wearing a blue uniform jacket, the other a green one, were placed on the left side of the mantle. The other two, identical to the first, were placed on the other side. He always wondered why they were still referred to as 'nutcrackers' when they weren't meant to be used for cracking nuts anymore. He wasn't even sure why they were associated with the holiday to begin with.

As he pondered that arbitrary question and turned to retrieve more decorations, he stopped dead in his tracks and almost tripped on the wood floor when he realized that he wasn't alone.

Standing silently on the other side of the living room, his face masked in shadow, stood Kaneki in his pajamas, arms crossed. He looked tired, but there was a certain dark look in his eyes that made Tsukiyama feel fearful.

“K-Kaneki-kun...” he began quietly, keeping his voice low. He had to think of something quickly. “Um- Would you believe that this is just a dream? Mon dieu, what a weird dream! Gosh! Why would I even be here, right? If you turn around now and lay back down, I just might be gone when you wake up.”

Kaneki stared, but he uncrossed his arms and let them rest tiredly at his sides. “Tsukiyama-san... You don't really think I'm that easy to fool, do you? I know I'm awake.”

Tsukiyama began to sweat. “Y-yes, of course. Um...” His eyes darted around the room, but there were no simple explanations for him and no easy way out of this most inopportune situation.

“How did you get in here?” Kaneki asked. “It doesn't look like you broke in.”

Shakily, Tsukiyama procured his key and held it up for him to see. “There's no need for me to break in when I have my own key.” He felt like reminding him of who it was who paid for their home, but he didn't think it would be a good idea to bring that up now during this potentially dangerous stand-off.

For another moment, Kaneki continued to stare at him, but then he sighed.

“Let me get this straight,” he said, rubbing at his eyes. “You didn't come here tonight to eat me in my sleep. You came to... What is it you're doing, exactly? Are those Christmas ornaments?”

Pressured by the way that Kaneki was looking at him, he figured that it might be best to honestly explain what he was doing – even if that honesty required a little bending of the truth.

Trying to appear calm, his heart still nervously beating, Tsukiyama took a seat at the sofa. He didn't expect Kaneki sit down with him, yet he patted the open cushion next to him anyway just to make the offer. Brushing his hair away from his eyes, tucking it behind his ear, he looked at Kaneki evenly. “I couldn't help noticing what a dreadful mood everyone has been in recently. After what you went through, it wouldn't be right of me to blame you for the way the others are behaving, but, well... Regardless, you're the one I really care about. I couldn't stand to see you quietly suffering on your own. It made me feel like I had to do something to help you, and here we are now.”

Kaneki looked like he was too tired to grasp everything he was saying. “This is supposed to be for me?”

“It was a surprise,” Tsukiyama said, rolling a hand in the air, laughing quietly to himself. “Not much of a surprise now, though, is it?”

Kaneki's eyes wandered to the things he'd placed out; the wreath, the nutcrackers, the lights hanging around the ceiling. When he reached those, he stared at them for longer than Tsukiyama felt comfortable with. As if targeting the one thing that would bother him, Kaneki lifted a hand to point at the green string of lights.

“There's a dead one.”

Tsukiyama choked on his own breath. “D-don't remind me...”

Kaneki turned, looking at him with a somewhat surprised lift of his brows. “So things like that bother you too.”

That felt like something that should go without question. He felt like anyone with any aesthetic sense would feel bothered by such an irksome imperfection. He respected Kaneki's eye, so it wasn't surprising that he would feel the same way about something so otherwise insignificant, but what surprised him was that Kaneki bothered to make that observation aloud at all, that he was the one to point out that they felt the same.

When he looked up at him, he realized that the tense atmosphere had faded.

As Kaneki turned to look out the window, his face illuminated by the glow of the unique light of midnight, Tsukiyama found his breath arrested. Something overwhelmed him, stabbing him in the chest as he watched the way the light reflected in Kaneki's eyes. The sight before Tsukiyama wasn't a thing he would have called perfection. He was still wearing pajamas he must have brought with him from his old place before he had to abandon it, his white hair was a mess, in disarray, and he looked like he needed a month of sleep to remove the deep, black circles under his eyes, yet Tsukiyama could only look at him and feel as though he were perfect.

That feeling that struck his chest, he realized, was sadness. It was the thing that compelled him to do all of this.

Eating him was the farthest thing from his mind as he looked at him.

He couldn't eat him like this. Seeing the slightly downturned corners of Kaneki's mouth made his stomach turn.

“Ah-”

Tsukiyama's head jerked up when he heard the small sound of surprise Kaneki made. He went closer to the window and Tsukiyama followed him with his eyes.

“It's snowing,” Kaneki said, placing a hand against the glass.

Tsukiyama was glad that something had appeared to distract him. Curious to see the way he looked now, Tsukiyama pushed himself up from the couch and went to where he stood.

“It really is,” he said, surprised to see the little white flakes that danced in the air. One by one, they floated down, blown by the whim of the wind, before they fell and clung to the cold ground. The usual street almost seemed like a different place when covered by its new, wintry veneer. It was nice to just stand there and watch it with him, but Tsukiyama was far more interested in watching the way that Kaneki reacted to it instead. While he was distracted by the falling flakes, Tsukiyama stole a few glances at his face and felt pleased to see him looking a little happier.

Suddenly, Kaneki wrapped his arms around himself and shook with a shiver that looked too strong to hold back. Noticing that Tsukiyama had been watching, he realized that he couldn't get away with pretending like nothing happened.

“What?” he muttered irritably. “It's cold.”

Tsukiyama grinned, charmed by his stubbornness. He was prepared to act like he hadn't seen anything until Kaneki brought attention to it. Now that he had, he couldn't help noticing how thin his pajamas were. He already felt like it was a poor choice for him to wear shorts to bed while it was cold, but now he was convinced that Kaneki was going to give himself a cold if he continued to dress that way.

It was a good thing he bought him the perfect gift. He wanted it to wait until morning, but this suddenly felt like the best time to give it to him.

Leaving him for a second, he went to the couch to grab his gift. Kaneki watched him as he returned, curious about the item in his hands.

“I got you a present. I wanted to see you open it tomorrow, but it's after midnight right now, so it's technically already Christmas anyway. I figure that it'll be more use to you now. Making you wait for it would almost be cruel, knowing what it is.”

Kaneki cautiously accepted the gift from him. It was a modest size and didn't make much noise when he shook it around. “This isn't a trap, is it?”

Tsukiyama laughed softly, still feeling aware of the others who were still asleep. “Non, non, it's not a trap or anything like that. I think you'll enjoy it. Go ahead and open it.”

Rather than tearing into the paper, Kaneki found each of the places where the box had been taped and meticulously peeled off each small piece of tape until he had the box neatly freed from the wrapping paper. Tsukiyama wondered if he was doing that because he didn't want to make noise for the others to hear or if he was just always that careful when unwrapping a gift.

Watching as he pulled the top off of the box, Tsukiyama held his breath, anxiously awaiting his reaction.

As he unfolded the item inside, Tsukiyama took the box from him and set it aside along with the paper. When he had it all unfolded, Kaneki sniffed with a little grin, admiring the brand new pair of black and white pajamas in his hands. “You got me pajamas? That's a pretty cliché gift.” Tsukiyama felt his heart sink until Kaneki turned away with a hesitant expression. “Th... Thanks. They feel really soft. They'll probably be really warm.”

Tsukiyama's pulse calmed and he smiled, happy to hear that he appreciated it after all. “I'm glad you like them. Why don't you go change into them? It would be good to know whether they fit, in any case.”

“Oh... Yeah. Sure, I can do that. Just don't do anything while I'm gone, alright? I'll know if you did anything,” Kaneki warned, pointing at him as he moved backwards toward the bathroom.

“I might just put up some more decorations. You can help me when you come back too, if you'd like.”

Kaneki disappeared into the dark bathroom and shut the door behind himself. It was impossible for Tsukiyama to continue hanging decorations when he was so excited to see how he looked.

Suddenly, he was struck by a wicked thought that begged to be realized. Knowing that he wouldn't have much time, he moved quickly and went digging through his bag for what he needed. Pushing one of the armchairs into position, he boosted himself up to the perimeter of the living room ceiling and hung the item he'd grabbed. From what he could recall, it was supposed to go above a doorway, but this was close enough. This might be his only opportunity to use it anyway.

By the time Kaneki emerged wearing the new pajamas, Tsukiyama had already moved the chair back to where it was before. Tsukiyama immediately scanned every inch of him, from the white, long-sleeved top with black buttons down the front to the black pants with their elegant white ribbon drawstring. He kept Kaneki's petite size in mind while making his selection, yet he still somehow ended up with a pair that looked a little too big on him. The pants were long enough to touch the floor and drag and the sleeves almost completely hid his hands.

“They're too big, aren’t they?” he said, coming closer to circle around him, getting a look at him from every angle.

“Knock it off,” Kaneki muttered, trying to turn with him to keep him from getting behind him. “They're fine. Really.”

Tsukiyama stopped and placed one hand on his hip, the other on his chin. “Well, if you don't mind them being a little long, then that's fine. It's better than having a pair that's too tight, I suppose. Or could it be,” a grin blossomed across his lips, “that you like things that are loose-fitting? Kaneki-kun, you know, that's kind of...”

It was cute. It was ridiculously cute. Now he was glad that Kaneki liked them just the way they were because he was seeing them in a whole new light. Kaneki looked awfully cute wearing something that was a little too big on him.

“Stop thinking weird things,” Kaneki growled, trying to sound as menacing as possible without raising his voice. At the moment, however, with his fists balled around the ends of the long sleeves of his new pajamas, he just looked a like a cute, frustrated little mouse.

“My apologies. I simply mean to say that they suit you,” he said innocently. Thankfully, Kaneki didn't press it any further. Hoping that Kaneki's agreeable mood would stay, he raised a hand and pointed up.

Kaneki looked up to where he was pointing and his face paled.

“My, would you look at that? I can't help but notice that we both happen to be standing under the mistletoe. What a coincidence.”

“It's hardly a coincidence if you were the one who hung it,” Kaneki groaned. “What do you expect me to do now? Kiss you? I don't feel obligated to comply with stupid holiday traditions. I haven't had anything to do with Christmas in a long time, so I'm not about to start caring now.”

If that were the case, then had all of this been a waste? That wasn't funny at all.

It was just a little comment, but it instantly sunk him into a sour mood.

“I haven't cared about Christmas in years either,” he said, turning away from him to look out the window. The snow had begun to fall harder since they first noticed it. Now, a thin layer of white was already beginning to accumulate on the ground. When he approached the window, he placed his hand against the glass just to feel the cold on his palm. “For me, Christmas meant a lot of parties with a lot of people I didn't know. I always thought it was an annoying bother.”

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?” Kaneki asked. “Even if you didn't know them, I bet there were a lot of people at those parties who wanted to talk to you. Who cares whether you cared about them or not? At least they were paying attention to you. Me, though...”

When he noticed his pause, Tsukiyama turned around, curious to hear how he would finish his thought.

“No, forget it,” Kaneki said, shaking his head, a look of guilt on his face.

Though he needed to maintain his facade, it was hard to keep it up when he felt that pang in his chest whenever Kaneki made a face like that. He was pitiable. It probably made him a terrible person to even admit it to himself, but a part of him was charmed by Kaneki's pitiable nature. Even when he worked at Anteiku, there was something about him that made him seem like someone who needed to be protected. All the more, that made Tsukiyama want to devour him, to pull apart something so beautifully delicate with his own teeth.

That desire was evolving, and he didn't know what it was turning into. He told himself that he could control it, but he wasn't so sure. That desire might've been controlling him instead now, doing with him as it pleased.

He turned around and moved toward him, his palm still cold as he curled his fingers. The things he had to say were honest things – things that he didn't have planned, that were bound to be a surprise even to his own ears. He didn't know what was coming, but he felt like that there would be a need for him to duck and cover once everything was said.

“You just wanted to spend Christmas with someone, didn't you? In my case, I only wanted to spend it with someone I cared about. So what's the problem? It sounds to me like we both have what we want now.”

Yes, this was...

Setting aside his vision of the future for that one moment – that one, singular moment on that snowy, quiet night before Christmas – he let himself want whatever it was he wanted without letting any other complicated thoughts get in the way. By morning, there would be a present for every person in the house except for him underneath the tree, and he felt like he deserved something. Even if he couldn't have Kaneki's tender flesh resting comfortably in his belly, there were still other things he wanted. He was from a wealthy, powerful family. He could have literally anything he wanted, yet, when he bought gifts for the others, he didn't find anything that he would've wanted for himself. There was only one thing on his mind, and, besides that, there was something else that he couldn't quite grasp. He scratched at it and scratched at it, trying to make it surface, but the closer he got to it, the more afraid he was to discover what it was.

He didn't want to know, and yet he felt like he was looking right at it.

It wasn't just Kaneki. It was whatever was inside of him.

He had the feeling that if he could just consume him, he might be able to swallow whatever that thing was within him that made him so special. Once he did, he might finally feel satisfied.

But he didn't want to think about that. Thinking about it made him feel like he was admitting that there was something he lacked, and he was a powerful man from a wealthy and powerful family who had everything.

Everything except Kaneki. Everything but his pitiable nature and his kind smile and the thing inside of him that glistened so brightly that it made Tsukiyama need to look away whenever he noticed it.

“Tsukiyama-san...” Bringing his gaze up from the floor, Kaneki looked at him with unexpected sincerity. “What do you want for Christmas?”

If only it were that simple. Tsukiyama wished that he could find an answer to that for himself.

“That's tough. There is something that I want, but I'm afraid it's something I'm going to have to work for on my own.” He smiled. “Thank you for asking, though, Kaneki-kun.”

Playing with the ends of his sleeves, Kaneki quickly glanced up, gesturing with his eyes. “Are you sure there's isn't... something... that I can do for you?” If he was suggesting what Tsukiyama thought he was suggesting, then perhaps there was something he could do for him. He just needed to get over the initial shock that Kaneki would even be willing to go along with it now. “Don't get the wrong idea. It's just that I know how much you've done for us already and this gift is really nice too. No matter who you were, I'd feel bad if there weren't something I could do in return after receiving so much.”

If he let himself touch Kaneki's lips, he knew he wouldn't be able to hold back. The hunger inside of him would consume him.

He held up a hand and politely refused his offer. “I feel like I've already received my gift,” he said, adding to his ever-growing list of little lies. “I'm happy that you like what I got for you, and it's enough for me to be here with you now, just the two of us sharing a moment together like this.”

It was probably just his imagination, but he thought that Kaneki looked disappointed for a second.

“Is that so...”

“You look pretty tired. I know how exhausted you've been lately. If you want to have any hope of staying awake tomorrow, you should probably go back to bed,” Tsukiyama suggested, turning back, prepared to get back to work.

He didn't receive an answer. Kaneki just silently slipped past him and went to his bag of decorations and began pulling things out.

“Kaneki-kun...? What're you doing?”

“What does it look like?” he muttered, rolling up his sleeves. He picked up the third string of lights that Tsukiyama hadn't hung yet. “I can't just leave you here. I mean, I wouldn't be able to fall asleep if I knew that you were out here, so I have to help. Two people will get this done faster anyway.”

That sounded like an awful lot of excuses, but it was unusually nice of him, so Tsukiyama wasn't going to turn down his help. He didn't intend to put Kaneki to work when this was supposed to be his project, and he didn't mean to keep him awake... Heck, he hadn't meant to wake him at all, but he could see that it wasn't a bother to him. Even if Kaneki tried to make it sound like he was doing this just to repay him, he seemed genuinely eager to help.

“On second thought...” Kaneki said, staring up at the ceiling where he'd hung the other lights. “I might be a little too short for this. Even if I get up on the chair, I'm not sure that I can reach.”

“Don't worry about the lights then. I can handle them.”

“No, it's fine,” Kaneki said, stubbornly clinging to them. “I'll do it.”

How was he going to do it if he couldn't reach, though? “Why not hang them from the mantle?” Tsukiyama suggesting. He wouldn't need to stand on anything to reach it.

For a second, Tsukiyama worried that Kaneki would still be determined to hang them along the ceiling, but he seemed to accept his limits and headed over to the mantle with them. He glanced toward Tsukiyama from over his shoulder as he began pinning them up. “I could've boosted myself up there with my kagune. That would've made it really easy, but I don't feel like ruining these new pajamas so soon.”

That was a unique excuse – fair, though.

While Kaneki worked on the lights, Tsukiyama took a look into the bag to see what else he had left. The bag still looked so full, and he felt like he had only put up a few things, but he realized that all of the other things he had were meant for the tree that hadn't even arrived yet. It was too bad that he didn't have anything else. If Kaneki still wanted to help him, then he was going to have to stay up all night with him and wait for Chie and Kanae to arrive with the tree.

He didn't want to make him stay up. He wanted Kaneki to rest and start feeling better to make his taste improve, but this was Christmas and he also really wanted some company.

What a dangerous idea. He really needed to stop thinking like that.

Though, if there were one day when he should be allowed to indulge in such selfish nonsense, then Christmas would be that day. And also maybe his birthday.

Slowly, he approached him and tried to be quiet. Right as Kaneki was reaching the end of the mantle, he reached out and placed a hand on Kaneki's shoulder. He wasn't sure what made him think he needed to do that in order to get his attention when they were the only two in the room. He just wanted to be heard.

When Kaneki bristled and turned around to him with a tight expression, his body tense, Tsukiyama immediately lifted his hand and backed up a step. He didn't know what he had been expecting. Kaneki didn't attack him. He didn't even look mad at him for getting that close, but his body language said everything.

“The only decorations left are for the tree. Unless you want to stay awake and wait for it to arrive, I think you should go back to bed.”

Kaneki stared at him. “You aren't insisting that I go to bed because you want to sneak in and eat me while I'm asleep, are you?” Despite his pointed question, he was visibly relaxing.

For once, he really wasn't saying any of that because he wanted to eat him.

Of course, it was hard to stand that close to him, smelling his delectable scent, seeing the fine shape of his body beneath his loose new pajamas. If he finally got to eat Kaneki, it would've been the best Christmas.

It really would have.

It would have.

“Tsukiyama-san...?”

He was spacing out again, letting his thoughts get carried away. He kept telling himself that he shouldn't think about that, especially on Christmas. He had done all of this for Kaneki.

To eat him...?

Distantly, he thought he heard his name being said again, but he was too preoccupied with his own thoughts to respond. Kaneki's scent filled his nose, and, at once, he felt a flurry of conflicting feelings swirl in his chest. It made his heart beat excitedly with desire, but something dampened that excitement; a vague worry that was difficult to shake.

“Tsukiyama-san.”

He heard him this time, but he didn't have the time to answer. Kaneki grabbed him by the tie and their lips were sealed against each other less than a second later. Too stunned to even react, he stared wide-eyed at Kaneki's face, at his closed eyes and earnest expression. Just when he realized that he should respond to the kiss – this was a kiss – Kaneki released his tie and lightly placed his fingers against his chest to separate them.

Lips tingling, face feeling hot, Tsukiyama lifted a hand to his lips.

“We're not even underneath the mistletoe now,” he said softly.

“Doesn't matter,” Kaneki said, sounding a little forced, like he was straining to sound adamant. “If I couldn't help you finish, then I had to pay you back some way. Just accept it, won't you? I gave you what you wanted. You could act a little happier about it.”

Was he blushing?

“You're right. How rude of me.” Allowing himself to be a little greedy, he added, “You caught me off guard, though. Would you mind giving me another?”

Kaneki backed up, his upper lip curling. “I think one is more than enough. If you weren't prepared for it, it's your own fault for spacing out,” he said.

With that, he turned on his heel and left the room without even giving him another look. Tsukiyama continued to stand in the same spot with his fingertips still lightly tracing his lips, trying to recall the feeling of Kaneki's lips pressed against his for as long as possible.

As he would've expected, they were soft.

This wasn't how he had expected the night to go at all, though. He'd prayed that no one would notice his presence, yet he somehow accidentally woke Kaneki from his sleep and drew his attention. Then, with every minute that passed between them, it felt like his intentions for that night were changing. His reasons for being there were changing.

“Get it together, Shuu,” he muttered to himself, sinking down into the soft couch cushions. Putting the back of one hand against his forehead, he stared up at the ceiling and tried to focus on the blurring red and green lights.

It was late. That was all. Any thoughts he had now were bound to seem a little strange.

Just as his thoughts began to drift, the late hour finally catching up with him, he was startled awake by the sound of Kaneki's voice, far closer than he had any reason to expect.

“Move.”

Tsukiyama obeyed instinctively, jumping from the couch without question. The second he was standing, Kaneki laid down in the place where he'd been sitting and arranged a pillow behind his head. That must have been what he left to retrieve, but Tsukiyama didn't understand why he came back. There was no way the couch would be more comfortable than his bed. Did he really trust him so little that he wanted to keep an eye on him all night?

“If you don't mind me asking, Kaneki-kun... What are you doing?”

Kaneki turned and patted his pillow a few times to make it more comfortable, then finally nestled into the cushions. “What does it look like?” he asked, flicking his eyes up to look at him with one quirked eyebrow. “I'm laying on the couch.”

“Yes, but...”

“I'm not going to be able to fall asleep if I know you're out here,” he said, seemingly confirming what Tsukiyama had feared. “I always find it hard to fall asleep when I know that someone else is awake. Besides, it's snowing right now.”

From the couch, Kaneki had a perfect view of the starry night sky full of fluffy white flakes. It was hard to tell what his real reason for coming to stay in the living room was, but it didn't seem to be as bad as Tsukiyama thought anymore. If Kaneki were worried about him hurting him, he would've at least had the courtesy to look more defensive, but he just looked relaxed and calm.

At that moment, feeling that now-familiar pang in his chest, Tsukiyama realized that he had accomplished what he was trying to do. In the end, it didn't matter whether the surprise had waited until the morning. Kaneki finally looked content.

“I'm just going to sit here and wait for the tree. It's probably going to be really boring. It's fine if you feel like sleeping,” he said, taking a seat in the armchair that faced the window, near the couch. Trying not to raise Kaneki's suspicion any further, he added, “I'll keep my hands to myself.”

“I know you will,” Kaneki said, his eyelids slowly closing, a small smirk on his lips.

For a while, Tsukiyama watched the snow as it fell, occasionally taking a glance at Kaneki to see him struggling to keep his eyes open. Feeling anxious, he pushed up his sleeve to check his watch. Unfortunately, it was still going to be a while before his little elves arrived with the tree. Sighing audibly, he leaned back in the chair and rolled his head back.

He considered texting them and pulled his phone out from the pocket inside his jacket.

“Go to sleep, Tsukiyama.”

He sat up and looked over at Kaneki who was tiredly looking at him from the corners of his eyes.

Kaneki rubbed at his eyes and turned onto his side to face him. “You keep telling me to sleep, but it won't be good if you don't rest either. What use will you be to me if you don't get any sleep? I don't need a dead weight in my group.”

“Oh...” He had a point. But, more than that, Tsukiyama was surprised that Kaneki was concerned. That had to be concern. He sounded concerned. “You're very right. I promised that I would make myself useful, didn't I? I suppose a little bit of shut-eye won't hurt. I'll probably feel my phone if they text me.”

With his eyes closed, Kaneki nodded, but it looked more like he was nuzzling his cheek into his pillow. “If I hear the door, I'll wake you up.”

Tsukiyama unbuttoned the front of his jacket and folded his arms over his chest. He wasn't used to sleeping upright, but the armchair was big and easy to get comfortable in. Before long, he felt himself drifting into a light sleep.

Just before he was taken completely into its embrace, he heard Kaneki's voice again, whispering softly.

“Tsukiyama-san...?”

He responded with a sleepy mumble.

“Merry Christmas,” he heard him say.

There was that feeling again. There was no doubt his sleep would be peaceful now. His goal had been accomplished.

“Merry Christmas, Kaneki-kun.”