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Jisung was a God. Every fifty years, a child was born into this world bestowed with the blessing of being a God. It was the greatest honour, the ideal being everyone strived to be. Though it was certainly an undisputed privilege, it was also an underlying curse: after all, once a God passed twenty years of age, they became one with nature and had to return to their rightful duty, ascending to a greater good, past the boundaries and restrictions of the human world. In short, it could be seen as death but in truth, they simply disappeared from the world, from the mortals’ sight. Gods were immortal.
Even if Jisung looked like the kids his age, he sure wasn't treated like one. That was, perhaps, what made him feel lonely. He was smaller, shorter, but wiser, holding an inmensurable amount of wisdom and intellect in that big, developed brain of his -- he carried the knowledge of the world, the secrets of the universe, of the ancestors before him. He was also composed and polite, never dirtying his trousers and disrespecting adults or picking up fights or getting scolded. He knew very well his position and his ephemeral place on Earth.
Being a God, he was the only kid his age with a beautiful blue sky jewel encrusted in his chest as proof of divinity, right in front of his heart like a protective shield. At times it was blinding, iridescent lights beaming out of it every time he felt joy or amusement. At other times it would turn dull and opaque, like a shadow had been cast over it whenever fear or sadness invaded his thoughts. It fortunately didn’t happen often, but still, when it did, it would frighten the rest of the mortals. So people would keep their distance everywhere he went, like being in his presence was unholy and they shouldn't bask in his grace -- it wasn’t a sin per se, but that didn’t stop people from fearing the unknown. If the God approached them first, they would pray his name and give their blessings, bowing and showing utmost respect to the divine deity. There was still fear though, fear of wronging the deity and having to suffer divine punishment. But Jisung was kind and submissive, if only people cared enough to get to know him for who he was, aside from being chosen as a God -- which he had had no control over whatsoever. As a consequence, he lacked friends and, of course, a family; all Gods were born orphans. But he needed no family, he knew he wasn't alone, with a Beholder by his side at all times.
Felix was his Beholder; they had the special task of taking care of the God, and were traditionally chosen by the God itself at the fair age of five -- Jisung knew, even at a young age, that he wanted Felix to stay by his side the whole way through. Born just one day apart, Jisung had known Felix his whole human life. It always made Felix feel like he had been born for Jisung's sake, that he had been born for and because of Jisung; without him, he might've been not born at all. It didn’t precisely make him feel worthless, but something along those lines. Jisung was always reminding him of just how much he needed him, of how important he was, and for Felix that was more than enough.
Felix hadn’t just agreed to go through this journey with Jisung as his Beholder and stick with him through his short lifetime, but he had also agreed to the pain of letting go once his time ran out. There hadn’t been a special ceremony because it wasn’t a contract or a formal bonding or anything of the sort, just a mutual agreement. Felix was Jisung’s Beholder by word, and that was it.
Despite the huge ordeal, Felix was a mere mortal; a human through and through. He was as smart as he should be, as messy and childish as everyone else his age. He had no jewel encrusted on his chest; Felix could only stare at it in bewilderment and amazement, even if it made Jisung self conscious and ashamed -- so he would always hide it. From time to time, he would insist Jisung to let it show, but the oldest would not relent. Regardless of the teasing, Jisung would always exude goodwill and compassion, and never once made Felix cry.
Felix had the privilege of knowing him better than the rest, better than Jisung knew himself. He knew he hated having to fake a smile every time the elderies approached him to pray; he knew he hated being seen as just a God when he looked just as human as the rest of the people; he knew he hated being used for his healing powers and seen as nothing more than a tool; he hated people giving him the reason just because it wasn’t well seen to argue with a God. Jisung wasn’t perfect, even if his God title was. Thankfully, he didn’t have to worry about those types of things and neither did Jisung, because Felix was understanding above all.
It was inevitable that he yearned to be human. No matter the facade and the pretending and even going as far as to resemble a human, the unquestionable truth would always remain underneath it: he was a God. He wouldn’t grow wrinkles and his hair wouldn’t turn white and his bones brittle; he had been deprived from the full experience of being human. It was weird, but he yearned to have a death. It's not that he wanted to die, but it was more fathomable than that: death was intrinsic to human life, and he yearned for the entirety of it all. Even if disappearing at the age of twenty from the world was interpreted as one, it wasn’t. He would never rest in peace. He would never be human.
"How is it like being a God?" Felix asked one day, curiosity getting the best of him. They were seven by then, and didn't know any better. The world seemed much bigger, more promising. Life seemed to go on and on.
"It's not that different," Jisung explained. They were walking side by side the way home from school, the afternoon breeze and the setting sun making them company.
"Do you have any powers?"
Jisung lopsidedly smiled. "Well, besides the fact that I can heal almost anyone and that the flowers bloom around me, there's nothing."
Felix's eyes glinted with ecstasy. To him, Jisung was more of a hero than he was a God. Felix didn't have any friends of his own, so being with Jisung made the loneliness and the emptiness vanish. They were soulmates, in a way; there was just something about them surpassing the roles of God and Beholder, or even childhood friends. There was a more intimate relationship hidden behind them, a deeper mutual understanding than just plain best friends.
“So you can’t read minds?” The light in his eyes faltered.
“I can’t.”
“Disappointing,” he sighed.
Jisung laughed; it was in moments like these that he was glad he wasn’t walking through life alone. They usually spent time on their own, as Felix was the only one who had cared for him and had dug deep inside the God to figure out just what kind of person he was. In Felix’s eyes, Jisung wasn’t perfection nor divinity: he was human like him. It always seemed to make Jisung feel at ease, to at least have someone see him differently; humanly.
Jisung was born in Autumn, just as Felix, but to him that season didn't suit the God at all. Jisung was like a summer evening, he was clear blue skies and walking on the beach and eating watermelons under bright green trees and melting ice cream running through fingertips. Jisung was summer; warm and longing.
By fifteen, Jisung stopped going to school; it wouldn't further his knowledge and education. It wouldn't make him any more human than he already was not. Besides, he had to start getting used to his role and drop the childhood act of attempting to be human.
By fifteen, his desire to be human was gone. He had not become bitter, but instead accepting of the entity he could not change. It had crushed him to come to the realization that, in a few years, he would be bidding his farewells to Felix.
Apart from it all, his knowledge was still superior and intellectual, so he had one more task to do: to teach Felix and serve as some kind of tutor.
“How’s school?” he asked in one of their study sessions. He missed going to school, not because he liked studying, but because he enjoyed Felix’s company and without him, days passed slower.
“Boring,” Felix replied. Coming home and getting to spend time with Jisung was his favourite time of the day, and he would look forward to it every day -- even if it meant continuing to study after school hours. “I wish you were there with me. At least it’d be more bearable.”
“Still no friends?”
Felix sent him a deathly glare. “You know the rest of them think I’m weird, right? It’s because I spend so much time with you.” He honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. “When my classmates first heard me say your name instead of referring to you as God, they thought of it as a blasphemy, even if I am your Beholder and all.”
Jisung didn’t find that hard to believe. He felt pity, because Felix was such a good person, so compassionate and selfless, but overlooked without people ever getting close to him only because of the fact that he was the God’s chosen Beholder. School was lonesome to him, even if he would never say so to Jisung. In an odd way, both of them were outcasts.
“They even think being your Beholder is tough,” Felix confessed. “I don’t even get to do anything.” He released a strained chuckle. Jisung had never asked Felix for anything, in spite of very well being able to -- he could have requested anything, even the most blatant and insane, out-of-this-world stuff, yet he never did. Not yet.
Talking about school was a heavy topic, especially when Felix knew how much Jisung longed to attend it, at least once more. He couldn't remember the last time they had walked home from school. The last time he had sat behind him. The last time they had done a project or ate lunch together.
“Must be nice,” Jisung said, “going to school, I mean.” His voice was laced with sadness, his jewel turned a dark blue and tinged his chest black. Jisung suddenly froze up, his eyes staring at nothingness.
Felix shook his shoulders once. Twice. Thrice. “Jisung,” he spoke softly. Fear was beginning to make way inside of him, not because he feared Jisung or what he could do, but because he didn’t know what to do about it.
Jisung blinked once. Twice. The jewel returned to its original color and intensity. He looked back at his frightened friend; his voice brought him back from the void. “So, Pythagoras?” And the study session carried on.
“Can you teach me something else today?” Felix asked. They were sitting outside, legs stretched out into the yard, tints of pink and yellow and orange embellishing the afternoon sky.
Sixteen had been a good age so far; Felix had now a few friends at school, something Jisung was more than pleased with. He himself had grown accustomed to his responsibilities as a God and had set his priorities straight. It was turning out to be a year of growth for both of them.
“Something like what?”
“Something most people don’t know.”
He thought about it deeply, something that would bewilder the younger. “Do you know what a parhelion is?” he asked. Felix shook his head, expectant eyes staring back at him. “Sometimes the sun has a bright spot on one or both sides of it, like it’s divided in half. Like the sun above us right now, look at it,” he insisted, and gazed at it for the longest time. The sun was odd that afternoon: it was like it had divided itself in two. Two suns. “It’s an atmospheric optical phenomenon. They’re so bright today, but that isn’t always the case. It’s like it is shining just for us.”
“Do you think the sun will burn someday?”
Jisung was nonplussed. “I mean, the sun doesn’t burn, it just glows intensively. After all, it’s a ginormous ball of gas.”
“No I mean, will it burn the whole world?”
Jisung went along with it. “I hope so, that’d be cool to watch,” he chuckled, and Felix joined in.
The sun belonged to Jisung, just as pretty much everything on Earth did. The sky, and the trees, and the flowers, they were all his. Felix was Jisung’s too, just like all mortals were. But looking at the sun, Felix felt like it was like the two of them: together, they were one. Separated, they were still the sun too, and would shine nevertheless. Jisung rightfully owned the sun all right, but to Felix, he was the sun; warm and dazzling and a star. The center of it all.
That afternoon, sitting side by side and welcoming the night, a thought formed in Felix’s head, one that would stay rooted for long years to come: he wanted Jisung to be only his.
Jisung’s last day on Earth approached them silently, making its way through the previous months of denial like an uninvited guest. It came without a welcome, without a warning and with the accumulation of the pain of having to say goodbye.
It should’ve been a happy day, like the birthdays before this one, but it was heavy because it was the last one. It’s not like Felix hadn’t tried to prepare himself for the end; one couldn’t possibly fully prepare for something like this.
They enjoyed the chilly autumn day outside, going on walks and eating Jisung’s favourite foods and talking like it was another normal day of their lives; they were trying to live it and go through with it as light and cheerful as possible, no dark thoughts and no sadness getting the best of them. But towards the end, by night, Felix’s tears started to fall one by one.
"Without you, there's just no point anymore." He was wringing his hands in desperation, completely powerless to the situation. In thirty minutes, Jisung’s birthday would be over and his time would be up and he’d be gone forever. Twenty years went by faster than they would’ve liked, faster than they thought they would. It truly was a curse to be born a God; not even divinity had salvation from the pain of letting go.
It had been twenty great years of friendship, of experiences and memories and hardships. From now on, Felix would have to make it on his own. No more study sessions and no more cloud gazing and no more staying up until late talking about life and no more funny facts from Jisung.
"Make me your purpose for living," Jisung said. "You know, once your time comes and you pass, I'll be there waiting for you. You won't be alone. From now on and forever, live for me. I'll stay with you for eternity. Just say yes."
Felix tried wiping the tears and snot with the hem of his shirt, but it wasn't nearly enough to wipe it all away, all the pain and misery and ache. It didn't matter anymore. "Yes," it came out of his lips in a whisper, and without holding back, he leaped forward and gave Jisung the biggest, warmest hug he'd ever given anyone. Even if they weren’t much for physical affection, Jisung wrapped his arms around him and allowed Felix to sink his face in his neck.
It was scary meeting a new world without Jisung, definitely. The loneliness was only going to increase, his worth would only drop, and there was nothing he could do about it. He had no powers to stop Jisung from leaving. It’s not like if he begged the gods above to keep his best friend by his side, they would just concede it. In a way, it was very selfish of him to deprive him from Jisung’s real purpose. He was never meant to stay.
Jisung gave Felix a kiss; for at least he was his first friend, his first love, and now his first kiss. He had so many of his firsts, was it greedy to ask for more? He surely hoped he wouldn't be his last -- that's the last thing he would want for Felix. It was a parting gift, a goodbye kiss. It was twenty years of being in love with your best friend and keeping quiet about it.
“When we were little, I always believed that I was enough to keep you here. I knew you were gonna leave me, but perhaps--”
Jisung cut him off with yet another gentle kiss, stopping Felix from falling to his thoughts. If he got lost in them, he wouldn’t know how to bring him back. Through the tears, Felix could see the blinding light emitting from his jewel, bright and beautiful and burning. That’s the last time he’d ever see it.
He pulled away, his hands still caressing his friend’s bloated, crying face. Even then, Jisung thought he looked beautiful. The light was still going strong, bathing the room around them blue, giving the impression that they were underwater. Like they were slowly sinking and drowning. “You have to live for me,” he rasped, his voice condemning him, falling victim to the grief.
Felix nodded, not because he would do anything for Jisung even if it tore him apart, but because he knew it was his first and final request, and that as his Beholder he’d have to comply.
“I wish you hadn’t been born a God,” he lamented. It was hopeless to talk about things they couldn't change, it was hopeless to let regret and remorse get the best of them.
“Send me off with a smile.” Though he knew it was too much to ask, Felix half smiled. They lay down, staring at each other, letting Felix’s helpless whimpers fill the room. Twenty years together was simply not enough. It’d never be enough.
Slowly, his eyes gave in as he fell into slumber. Jisung watched him as Felix curled against him, sobs slowly dying and turning into tired snores. He held him close to his chest, close to his jewel, hands still intertwined tightly because they were both afraid to let go. Afraid of a world without the other. “Happy birthday, Lix,” he whispered into his friend’s ear, once the clock struck twelve. “Thank you for everything.”
When Felix woke up the next day, on his birthday, Jisung was already gone. Where his best friend’s hand had been hours before now lay his characteristic blue jewel. It was still shining, and would shine long after that, forever. It was wrapped in a note he wrote, his neat calligraphy read, “Lix, thank you for the most amazing years of my life. You gave me the best lifetime a God could’ve ever asked for. I love you, watch the sun burn for me, alright? ”
His longtime role as a Beholder was finally over.