Chapter Text
“Welcome back to Stars or Hearts!” the host booms. “As most of you know, this is a gameshow all about love. Eight contestants are chosen based on the romantic or platonic preferences of the influencer looking for love, and those contestants each choose an emoji before the show; either heart eyes, or starry eyes. If they choose heart, that means they’re in it for love, and if they make it to the end, they and their new lover get to go on a date to test the waters and potentially begin their new lives! If they choose star, they’re in it for the clout, and if they’re the finalist chosen by the lover, the lover loses and has to host an eight-hour stream with the star, thus boosting their popularity!”
“Our lover for this episode of Stars or Hearts is Zabrell, an up-and-coming prank youtuber under the channel name ‘AngelNuke.’ Xe’s new to the youtube game, but xe’s climbing the ranks especially quickly and making a huge splash in the waters! Zabrell, can you tell us a little about yourself?”
“It’d be my pleasure,” Zabrell says with an easy smile. Xe’s an elf with pale green skin and a cultural sun mark under hir eye, and hir long, platinum blond hair is gathered up into a ponytail. “I’m Zabrell, I use xe/hir pronouns. I’m known for being ‘clever and conniving’—which I choose to take as a compliment!” The host laughs raucously, and the contestants, while muted, can be seen chuckling. “I specialize in pranks that make people laugh and, most importantly, get a reaction out of them. But I also put a lot of weight in morality, and doing the right thing. Lathandar is an important, albeit small, part of my life.”
Zabrell pauses, and then xe smirks. “Oh,” xe says, standing up from hir chair. Xe backs up from the desk so the camera can capture hir entire body. “And I’m 7’2”.”
Some of the contestants visibly swoon, and the host laughs again. “There’s a lot to love here!” the host says. “Literally! And now that we’ve met you, Zabrell: What are you looking for in a partner?”
Zabrell sits back down, tapping hir cheek in thought. “Well,” xe says after a few seconds, “I suppose I’d like someone easygoing, good at adapting and going with the flow. I value compromise in a relationship, so while I’d love someone stubborn enough to banter with, I don’t want us arguing all the time just because neither of us wants to give in. I need someone fun, and willing to help out with my pranks every once in a while.” Xe smiles. “And I’ll admit that I have a bit of a thing for height differences.”
“Ooh,” the host says. “Well, you’re in luck, ‘cuz we’ve got a lot of shorties!” Many of the contestants gasp in offense or make cutesy faces at the camera. “Oh, it’s all in jest, my friends! Now, let’s introduce some of our contestants!” The host goes down the list, giving brief background on each person and allowing them to unmute and introduce themselves. There’s an uptight elven woman named Heirodattyus whose description of her channel genre was simply ‘karaoke,’ an orc named Gnorc who went on for an entire minute about why they refused to get attached without ample reason, and a human man who seemed to shout every other word and oozed cowardice.
And then, finally, there is an elf. Ey have pale blue skin and absurdly done-up navy hair, and ey have a cultural moon mark under eir eye similar to Zabrell’s. Ey look like ey just stepped right off a runway with clothing straight out of a ridiculous high fashion booklet and eyeliner far sharper than necessary. Ey’re lounging sideways on eir chair, eir legs crooked over one of the armrests as ey twirl a stim bag filled with pebbles around eir fingers.
“And our last contestant: Ileao, of ‘Il-Intentioned’ on Tiktok!” the host says. “Ey used to be known for eir tiktoks wherein ey went out in public dressed in eir usual attire and bullied old conservative people, but now ey’re much better known for eir reputation to come on this show… and choose ‘star’ every single time.”
“What can I say?” Ileao asks, smirking at the camera. “I love the chaos.”
“Don’t we know it!” the host laughs. “Care to actually introduce yourself?”
Ey sigh, swinging eir legs around to lean closer to the camera. “Sure, sure. I’m Ileao, you know that. I’m only allowed to be on episodes of this show with scheduled breaks, so I can have a chance to get all the curse words out of my system before we’re live again. Apparently Twitch isn’t a huge fan.” Ey shrug, grinning. “My last relationship was a shitty- er, crappy one, which is why I have exactly zero plans to enter another!”
Zabrell seems exactly as interested in Ileao as xe has been in all the other contestants—no more, no less. But then the host asks, “You think you’ll attract the same kind of person again?”
And Ileao hesitates. For only a moment, for a short enough time that not even the chat catches on. But Zabrell does. Ileao says, “Eh, doubt it. I’m an absolute delight to be around, you know. It’d be anyone’s honor.”
And Zabrell doesn’t believe em.
“Of course it would,” the host chuckles. “You’re confident as ever.”
“I’ve got a reputation to keep up!”
For the rest of the show, Ileao survives each and every round. The chat is torn between fury and crying tears of laughter; every all-caps message is either a criticism of Zabrell’s judgment or praise of Ileao’s sarcastic trickery. Even the host seems completely baffled as to why ey haven’t been booted off yet. Eventually, it comes down to Ileao and Gnorc.
Per the show’s rules, they are each allowed a five minute ‘date’ with Zabrell within a semi-private video call. Zabrell seems more bored than anything for almost all of the date with Gnorc, despite his eager participation. And then it’s Ileao’s turn.
They have a ‘normal’ conversation. Ileao spits acid at every opportunity, but Zabrell never once flinches away. Never once seems insulted, or intimidated. With thirty seconds left of the date, xe suddenly asks, “Ileao, can you tell me something?”
“Ugh. What?” ey ask, raising eir eyebrows.
“Do you think you deserve to be loved?”
Ileao’s eyes widen almost imperceptibly, eir breath hitching quietly, hardly picked up by eir microphone. The chat is filled with question marks and confused emojis.
“Of course,” ey scoff. “Why?”
“Because I do.”
“You-” Ileao’s eyes are wide again, eir eyebrows lifted with disbelief. For a moment, ey exude a type of naivety and innocence that ey’ve never displayed online before. “You think I deserve-?”
“Anddd time’s up!” the host shouts, and Ileao falls back into eir chair, forcefully pushing emself a foot or so away from the desk. Ey smirk confidently at the camera after that, winking at the chat, but ey’re trembling slightly, the corners of eir smile tipping downward every few seconds.
Zabrell DMs hir final choice to the host, and the host does a dramatic build-up, complete with a drumroll and an absurd amount of intense music. “The person… who Zabrell has chosen… to have won hir heart… is…
“Gnorc!”
When Ileao’s face falls, however subtly, the chat catches it. They clip the stream, save the VOD, screenshot the expression of what could almost be heartbreak, if given the time to grow. The host reveals that Ileao chose ‘star,’ and Ileao sticks eir tongue out and arrogantly flips off the camera before eir display is removed from the stream’s view. The host then reveals that Gnorc chose ‘heart,’ and Zabrell smiles blandly.
Gnorc and Zabrell livestream a ‘date’ wherein Zabrell puts forth the smallest amount of effort hir fans have ever known from hir. Gnorc is clearly very invested in the whole thing, but Zabrell seems as though xe couldn’t care less if xe tried.
After that, xe tags Ileao on Twitter, asking if ey’d like to retroactively pick ‘heart.’
Ileao, to everyone’s surprise, says ‘yes.’
Transcript:
The image is of a tiktok video by creator @il-intentioned. Ey have a blue checkmark by eir name. The video is tagged with #fuckitup, #letsgetmebannedagain, and #ripoldmanjenkins. It has 1M likes, 48K comments, and 69.9K shares. The tiktok shows Ileao, a pale blue elf with funky navy hair and extremely strange multicolored clothing. Ey're shushing the camera, making a mischievous face while standing on a sidewalk.