Chapter Text
“Gosh, I want him to throw me around like that.”
That snapped you out of your unintentional haze. You laughed and nudged your roommate, Lucy, rolling your eyes at her untoward comment. You were both seated pretzel legged on the hard, glossy floor of the trainee gym at the Avengers compound. Today had been a special day; instead of sparing with each other like they usually did, the fledgling agents were being treated to a demonstration from the Man himself: Captain Steven Grant Rogers.
He was at the head of the room, showing a volunteer cadet exactly why he was the Captain, and no one else. In only a matter of moments, he had the poor guy pinned in a headlock until he tapped out desperately. Despite having just handed the poor cadet his own ass, in true Steve Rogers fashion, he laughed with charm and offered his hand out to help his opponent up, clapping him on the back with a few words of reassurance.
You had to admit, watching Captain America in fighting form wasn’t a bad view, but that wasn’t what had you daydreaming before. It was the man behind him, watching from a distance, his arms crossed and his soft brown tresses just grazing his shoulders.
Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.
And you were infatuated.
You would never admit that out loud to anyone. No, you were far too focused and serious about your career as an agent for the Avengers Organization. It was one of the hardest training programs to get into; less than 0.5% of applicants actually got accepted, and even then, you found yourself only one of about 17 women in a class of 85. Nope, you didn’t have time to lust after the Winter Soldier, not even when all you could think about was how it would feel to run your hands through his hair, or staring into his brilliantly blue eyes, eyes that looked so kind and warm despite his reputation…
Nuh-uh. No time at all. Focus.
Captain Rogers had finished saying a few things about the techniques he deployed for hand-to-hand, when he asked for another volunteer. To your everlasting shock, you found your own hand in the air. It was like it had a mind of its own, even Lucy was looking at you wide-eyed. Just as you were coming to your senses and lowering it back down, you were called on.
“You, with the braid. Come on up,” you heard the Captain say.
It was like time was in slow motion. You searched around for a moment, hoping and praying that there was someone else in a braid that he was referring to, but no such luck. He laughed, that annoyingly friendly sound, and spoke to you again.
“Yes, you. Come on down.”
You locked eyes with Lucy, silently pleading with her to do something, anything, but all she did was shake her head at you slowly. You were on your own with this one.
You rose to your feet and made your way to the front of the class where Captain Rogers was waiting. With each step, you felt your confidence grow. You could do this. This is what you were trained for. You were gonna kick America’s Ass. Literally.
You shook his hand when you got there, making sure your grip was firm and worthy of a super-soldier. You stood across from him, your profile facing the rest of your peers. Your jaw was set, and you stared the Captain down as best you could. You were a formidable force, unstoppable. He didn’t intimidate you.
Captain Rogers flashed you a smile. “Now normally, I don’t like to hit ladies--”
“I’m not a lady, I’m an agent,” You said firmly. A ripple ran through the class, mumblings about your brazenness toward the crown jewel of the Avengers. It only fueled your determination.
A look of mild shock crossed the Captain’s face before he composed himself again, his grin broadening and a newfound glint in his eye. “I like that attitude. You ready to go?”
You put on your best smirk and gave him a two-fingered salute. “Let’s tussle, Cap.”
You were down in a second.
You helplessly tapped the firm forearm wrapped around your neck, and Captain Rogers let go of you, making sure to help you to your feet. You could feel the heat of embarrassment sear your skin as you turned and faced your class.
“Alright, not bad, let’s give her a round of applause people,” the Captain said, putting together his own hands. The class followed suit, but you didn’t miss all the snickering and jeers either.
The star-spangled Avenger ran through a list of things you could have improved upon, and he dismissed you back to your seat. As you walked off the makeshift stage, you stole a glance at the man with the kind blue eyes standing not too far off. Shockingly, you found him already staring at you, and you could swear there was a grin on his lips. Your heart just about leapt from your chest and you quickly looked away, all but running back to your spot next to Lucy. She gave you the side-eye, and her lips were pressed together in the way that indicated she was bursting at the seams with excitement.
You just rolled your eyes at her and kept your focus on not focusing on a certain someone in the room.
The session ended and everyone went about their way for break. You hardly made it into the mess hall doors when Lucy grabbed your arms, jumping up and down.
“Captain America touched you, he freaking touched you dude!” she squealed.
You pushed past her to the lunch line and grabbed a plate and utensil bundle. “More like he physically assaulted me. I think he bruised my hip,” you said, wincing.
“Could you feel his dick?”
“LUCY.”
She shrugged. “What? He had you pressed up against him pretty good. You didn’t get a hint of a lil sumpin sumpin?”
“We are no longer on speaking terms,” you informed her, though you were laughing. You spooned some food onto your plate and she did the same. The food in the mess hall was actually delicious in comparison to other lunchrooms you had endured in your life. It should have been; Michelin star chefs were preparing it. Tony Stark really spared no expense, even when it came to lowly trainees.
The two of you made your way to your usual table, and Lucy was about to pester you some more about your encounter with Captain Rogers, when the mess hall doors opened and in he walked, and he wasn’t alone. He was flanked on either side by Agent Natasha Romanoff and, of course, Sergeant Barnes. The three of them walked, well really swaggered, through the rows of tables, the entire hall becoming five degrees quieter as all eyes followed the trio. Agent Romanoff said something, and the two men laughed. It was like something out of a fashion magazine.
Damn.
They kept walking in a straight line towards the doors at the other end of the hall. They definitely weren’t going to have lunch with the plebeians. They were just taking a shortcut to the other side of the compound, the classier and way more exclusive side that was reserved for superhero rock stars like themselves. Your breath caught as you looked at the Sergeant. When he smiled, the edges of his eyes crinkled up and he brushed his hair behind his ear in an adorably timid way. You couldn’t help the grin that threatened your own face at the sight.
“You know, for a guy with scrambled eggs for brains, he sure is scrumptious,” Lucy remarked. You knew exactly who she was talking about, and it took everything in you not rip her a new one. Instead, you just gave her a severe look. “I’m just saying, he can scramble my eggs any day of the week.”
“You’d let anything with a pulse scramble your eggs,” you said plainly.
“How dare you,” Lucy said, but she seemed unbothered as she took another bite of lunch.
She scrolled through her phone, and you risked another look at him as they reached the doors and left the building. They disappeared into the bright spring day, the door shutting behind them with a loud thud. You felt like a piece of your chest went with them.
Boy, did you need to get a grip.
______________
Despite the throbbing junk food hangover you had from a night of binging The Crown with Lucy, you dragged yourself to the trainee gym before the sun came up. You had only gotten into the habit recently. It was part of your plan to stay ahead of the game, to keep in tip top shape. Plus, your humiliating defeat to Captain Rogers was still fresh in your mind, and you wanted to be prepared for next time. If there ever was a next time. Probably not, but still.
Whenever you came to the gym this early, there was usually no one there but you. On occasion, there might be a treadmill runner or two, but today, it was nice and empty. Just how you liked it. You decided you would start with a few combinations on a punching bag. You taped up your hands and immediately let loose on the poor thing. The chains groaned as you jabbed and kicked until a good layer of sweat formed on your face and chest. When you stopped to rest, you stooped to pick up your water bottle, taking a few hearty gulps.
“That was impressive.”
The voice, unfortunately, startled you mid gulp, and you launched into a coughing fit as water went down the wrong pipe. Tears blurred your vision as you doubled over, and the owner of the voice came up to you and began patting your back firmly in an effort to help.
“Shit, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
You nodded and coughed a few more times before straightening back up and wiping your eyes. You turned to the person to assure them you were fine, but the words died in the back of your throat as you looked up and realized who had their hand on your back.
James.
Buchanan.
Freaking.
Barnes.
He was standing just inches away from you, closer than he ever had, even in your dreams. His ocean eyes were filled with concern, a small wrinkle in the middle of his brows. His hair was in a bun. A damn bun. What gave him the right? And he was wearing a black T-shirt that struggled to stretch over his chiseled physique. You wanted to tear it off with your teeth.
And he was touching you. Touching you.
“You alright?” he asked again, moving his hand to your shoulder and giving it a light squeeze. Good lord.
You willed yourself to get it together. You cleared your throat. “Yeah. Yes.”
He grinned at you and you felt your knees wobble a bit. “Sorry about that, I have a bad habit of sneaking up on people.” He moved his hand from your shoulder to rub the back of his neck sheepishly.
“What are you doing here?” you choked out. He raised his eyebrows at you, and you panicked that it came out too harsh. “I mean, you guys do have your own gym right? I mean, it’s probably way more advanced than this,” you added hastily.
He chuckled a bit (gosh, he was trying to kill you), and set his duffle bag down in front of the adjacent punching bag. “Yeah our gym is fantastic, but I like the bags here better,” he explained, gesturing to the one in front of him. He shrugged. “I dunno, the ones we have are too…fancy.”
“Gotcha,” you managed to reply. You watched as he bent down and retrieved his own tape from his bag and began wrapping his hands, even the metal one. For some reason, it felt too intimate to watch after a moment, like you were peering into something you shouldn’t have had access to. You averted your gaze, turning your attention to the bag in front of you.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” you heard him ask.
“Yeah, why?” you asked the bag.
“Because you’re staring at that thing like it shot your best friend.”
“Yeah well, I wouldn’t really blame anyone if they shot Lucy. She has a smart mouth,” you replied.
You heard him laugh, like really laugh, and you looked at him to see the crinkles that you saw in the mess hall the other day. Only this time, you were the one that had put them there. Your heart lurched.
“She’s the blond one right? Who was sitting next to you?” he asked.
You stared at him blankly, wondering how on earth he knew that.
“At the training session, with Steve?” he said, trying to jog your memory.
“Right, yes, she would be the one,” you managed to say. You reminded yourself that he was a trained spy, capable of memorizing the smallest of details no matter how irrelevant. That’s why he remembered, not because he was paying particular attention to you. No way. “That was also when your blond best friend knocked me down a peg. Or two.”
He laughed again, and you savored it because who knew the next time you’d be able to experience it this close. “You actually did better than you think.”
“Yeah? Tell that to the massive bruise on my rear.”
There were those crinkles again. You were on a roll.
“Trust me, he’s a punk in real life, I don’t care how many tons he can carry,” the Sergeant said, and it was your turn to laugh. “Besides, with what I just saw you unleash on that bag, I’d think twice before messing with you.”
“That was nothing,” you said sheepishly.
“Oh?” he flashed you a mischievous grin, walking over to the other side of your bag and gripping it with both hands. “You wanna show me what ‘something’ is?”
“Well—I mean—you don’t have to,” you stammered out. “I wouldn’t want to take up your time…”
“It’s fine, show me what you got,” he insisted. “I can teach you a few things, too. I did a bit of boxing in my day.”
“Oh, did you practice with your pet dinosaur?” you grinned outwardly, but on the inside, you were screaming at yourself. Why the hell did you say that?
He raised an eyebrow at you. “Nice. You’ve got jokes. C’mon, show me what you got.”
You hesitated.
“Start landing some punches already, Rookie.”
Rookie? That got your blood pumping again. You’d show him who the rookie was. You threw your combinations with even more energy than before, blocking out the beautiful face across from you and focusing on your agility and precision. You landed every hit with full force, and when you gave your last kick, the Sergeant grunted a bit from the impact.
“Where was that yesterday?” he said incredulously.
You shrugged as you gulped some more water. “Nerves got the better of me, I guess.” You set down your bottle and bit your lip nervously. “If I’m being honest, I think I have trouble translating what I do here to real life situations.” It was the first time you had admitted that out loud, and you didn’t have a clue as to why you chose Sergeant Barnes of all people to say it to.
He nodded. “We can fix that,” he said firmly. We? Did he just say we? As in you and him? Him and you? What? “And your name is…?”
You told him, and he stuck out his hand for you to shake. You took it and swallowed the less-than-appropriate noise that tried to sneak out of your mouth when you felt his firm grip.
“We can meet here a couple times a week, if you’d like,” he offered. “You have real potential, Rookie.”
You wanted to be mad at the nickname, but it somehow sounded so nice coming from his lips. “Thank you Sergeant Barnes, that’d be awesome.”
“Please, call me Bucky.” Crinkles.
You nodded, stooping to pick up your water and hiding the heat splashed across your cheeks. “It was nice working with you today…Bucky.” You waved goodbye and hurried out of there before you completely lost it. It was a miracle that you made it to your room in one piece.
Lucy was up by then, putting on her cadet uniform. “Hey, how was the gym?”
“It was fine, empty,” you lied. You weren’t even sure if what just happened was real yourself, how would you explain it to her?
“You’re so good, I need to start getting up early too,” she said, flopping back down on your bed.
You have no idea, Luc. “Hurry up, or we’ll be late,” you said out loud, grabbing your towel and heading to the bathroom for a quick shower. You turned on the water and stepped in. You thought about your shoulder, where he touched your bear skin, and you were actually sad you had to wash him away.
Then you rolled your eyes at yourself. You had no time for flowery thoughts like that, remember?
__________________
Three weeks went by before you saw him at the gym again. Each time he didn’t show up, you’d try your best not to be disappointed, but it would stir you into a funk for the rest of the morning. You figured he probably changed his mind, realized he had more important things to do than entertain a cadet. Huh. Fine. Good on him, he wasn’t needed. You’d get by on your own.
On the morning he finally did show up, you were downheartedly jogging on one of the treadmills listening to Adele, which you usually reserved for sad times. Someone touched your shoulder, and you nearly fell face first onto the moving belt, but thankfully you gripped the handles and pushed the emergency stop in time. You looked over to see a cute combination of concern and embarrassment on Bucky’s face, and you couldn’t hold back your smile.
“Sorry about that,” he said, holding out his hand for you to grab as he helped you down from the machine.
“Old habits die hard,” you waved away his apology. “And you’re really old.”
He laughed and shook his head. “I, um, also want to apologize for not being here. Got pulled into an unexpected assignment, and I wasn’t sure how to contact you.” Right. Avengers stuff. You suddenly felt really dumb for being so disappointed.
You tisked at him. “The telephone was invented in 1876, Sarge, you have no excuse.”
Bucky grinned at you. “Why don’t I get your number, and I won’t let it happen again,” he said. You grinned back at him as he handed you his cell and you entered your number under ‘Rookie.’ He chuckled when he saw that.
The two of you made your way to the other side of the gym where the boxing equipment was. You were about to choose a bag when he stopped you.
“I was thinking we could try the focus mitts today,” he said, holding them up.
You narrowed your eyes at him. “Think you can handle that?”
He rolled his eyes at you as he strapped the mitts on. “Pretty sure I can. You know, I think Lucy’s smart mouth is rubbing off on you.” You laughed at that.
And thus began your friendship with Bucky Barnes. At least it felt like one. The only time you ever saw one another was before dawn in the gym, but that was quickly becoming your favorite part of the day. On top of going over various techniques, the two of you talked and laughed with an ease that surprised you. He told you about his time growing up in Brooklyn with Steve, and you told him about being raised by your grandparents and always wanting to follow in the footsteps of your parents, who both served in the military. You barely thought about your silly crush on him, but you knew it was still there. It was different, though. It didn’t feel overwhelming or heated anymore because now, he wasn’t just Sergeant Barnes to you, he was Bucky. Your feelings lulled into something calmer and cozier, and you weren’t sure if that was a good thing or if you were treading into more dangerous territory. Either way, you kept reminding yourself that him training you was nothing more than a business transaction of sorts. You got experience, and he got to have a little protégé. You still had no time to focus on anything but your ambitions.
Soon, you progressed from using equipment to just sparring with each other. He carefully taught you where to aim and how best to take advantage of your opponent. Your improvement didn’t go unnoticed by your supervisors or Lucy, but you still kept your time with Bucky your dirty little secret.
“You’re letting me win,” you told him one morning as you sparred in the gym’s ring. You had gotten him flat on his back far too quickly, and you were looking down at him with your foot on his chest.
“I’m not letting you win,” Bucky insisted. He tried to get up, but you drove your foot down further. “I’m just not going full force at you. I’m enhanced and you’re--”
“Don’t even say it.”
“Say what?”
“I’m enhanced and you’re just a puny regular human, I don’t want to hurt you,” you said, doing a very bad impression of him. “That may be true, but make no mistake, I can still kick your Snowball ass.”
He glared at you. You shrugged. “Plus, do you think the bad guys out there are going to take that into account when I’m in the field?”
That seemed to make him concede. “Fine. Let’s go then.” You helped him up and got into your ready stance. Before you could even think, he was coming at you with serious speed. You dodged and jabbed as best you could, but he had you in a headlock in no time. You tried to escape his grip, but it was no use. The problem with fighting your teacher was that he already knew your best moves. Figures.
“Tap out,” Bucky ordered.
“Never.”
“Fine.” His grip tightened a little.
You tried again to get free, but he was unrelenting. “Let go of me, Barnes,” You said, tapping his arm reluctantly, but he didn’t let go.
“Hmm. Now I kind of want to hear you beg,” Bucky said, and something about his tone wasn’t entirely chaste.
“What?”
“Beg for it, Rookie,” he said again.
Your heart began to race and it had nothing to do with the exercise. You became all too aware of how you were pressed up against him, felt the hard lines of his solid frame against your back, perhaps even a lil sumpin sumpin…
“And how would you like me to do that, Sarge?” you asked coyly. “On my knees? Or on my back?”
You don’t even know where that came from. Were you flirting with him? You weren’t even sure you knew the definition of flirting, but that hardly mattered. What mattered was that the he was caught off guard by what you said, his grip loosening, and you saw your opportunity. You slammed your head back and felt it connect with his face. He let go completely and you jammed your elbow into his gut before sweeping his legs from under him, landing on his back with a satisfying thud. You looked down at him with a smug look, and he stared back, his eyes wide and his hand covering the lower half of his face.
“Geez, Rook,” was all he managed to mumble.
You flipped your ponytail in response, but your confidence quickly faded once you saw a bit of red seep through his fingers.
“Oh gosh,” you said, rushing to kneel next to him. “You’re bleeding.”
He removed his hand to take a look, and a gush of blood left his nostrils.
“Oh no, here,” you said, taking off your shirt and holding it up to Bucky’s nose. You had a sports bra on, at least. “Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. Your pretty face, oh my goodness.”
“My what?” his voice was muffled by your shirt.
“Nothing, just—you should sit up,” you told him, and he did. He tilted his head back slightly and kept your shirt firmly against his face. “I’m so sorry Bucky.”
“Don’t be, that was good,” he chuckled. “That’ll teach me not to be too cocky.”
You laughed a little, but it did nothing to help your nerves. After a few moments, you checked to see if the bleeding had stopped, but when you pulled your shirt away, another wave of blood came out. That’s when you insisted on bringing him to the med bay, despite his protestations, and ten minutes later he was sitting on an exam table while he was cleaned up by one of Dr. Cho’s residents as you looked on. She put a nose bandage on him and cotton stoppers in each nostril.
“It definitely seems fractured, but it’ll probably heal in about two to three hours, based on your previous records Sergeant Barnes,” the resident informed him. You sighed with relief and went to pick up your soiled shirt, but the resident stopped you. “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re going to have to dispose of that.”
“That’s okay, I know how to get blood out of fabric,” you told her.
“I’m sure you do, but it’s protocol. It’s contaminated with Sergeant Barnes’ DNA,” she said apologetically.
“Right, of course,” you said. They didn’t want it getting into the wrong hands and having someone try to replicate the serum. The same went for any of the Avengers, even those who weren’t enhanced. The resident packed your shirt into a plastic bag with a red biohazard symbol and left the room to fill out some paper work. You hopped up on the exam table next to Bucky, your thigh just barely grazing his.
“Sorry about your nose, seriously,” you said again.
“Sorry about your shirt,” he replied.
You pouted at the door the resident had left through. “It was my favorite.” You opened your mouth to say something else, but decided against it.
“What?” Bucky asked.
“It’s nothing.”
“Whaaaat?” he nudged you.
“Okay, it’s just that, I get that whole policy, but,” you frowned, “what about when you have sex? You spill all kinds of DNA then. What, are they gonna be waiting outside your door to collect the condom, too?” You scoffed.
“I dunno, but do you want to come over and find out?”
You looked over at him sharply and saw he had the most devilish smirk on his face. Before you could say anything (you weren’t too sure you had a coherent response to that), the door burst open and Lucy walked in, along with Miranda, your other friend.
“Are you o--” Lucy began, but she stopped short when she caught sight of who was sitting next to you. Miranda just stared with wide eyes. Lucy dragged her gaze over to you. “You said you were in the med bay, we rushed down here,” she said carefully.
“Yeah, I should have mentioned that I wasn’t the one hurt,” you said, hopping off the table. You had texted her to let her know she didn’t have to wait up for you while Bucky was being examined.
Lucy looked back at Bucky. “What happened?”
“Oh, um, well we were—we kinda--” you stammered, not too sure if Bucky would mind if people knew a cadet had injured him.
“She beat my Snowball ass,” he finished for you, giving you a wink.
You grinned at him, and when you turned back to Miranda and Lucy, they were both giving you looks that told you loud and clear that you had some serious explaining to do.
“Right,” Lucy spoke up. “So, are you still coming to drills, or staying?” she asked you.
“Yeah, I should probably go,” you looked at Bucky. “I hate to leave you like this…”
He shook his head and squeezed your shoulder. “Don’t worry about it, Doll.”
“I’ll text you later, to see how you are. It’s the least I can do,” you promised him.
“I look forward to it.”
You turned before he could see the dumb smile on your face, but that only made Lucy and Miranda’s stares more intense. Everyone said their final goodbyes, and you and the girls headed over to training after you quickly changed in your room. Drills seemed to stretch on forever, and it didn’t help that Lucy kept burning holes in your skull with her eyes. When it was finally done, the three of you went over to the mess hall for lunch, and Lucy and Miranda managed to keep it together until you sat down with your food.
“So how long have you been fucking the Winter Soldier?” Lucy asked plainly.
You pinched the bridge of your nose. You just wanted to eat your burger and fries in peace. “Lucy. I’m not.”
“That’s not what we saw,” Miranda said, pouring dressing over her salad.
“What you saw,” you glared at her, “was that Bucky has been helping me train in the mornings, nothing more.”
“Bucky?” Lucy was incredulous. “You’re calling him Bucky? Oh, homegirl is getting railed,” she said to Miranda who nodded in agreement.
You were about to tell them where they could shove it, when the mess hall doors opened and in walked, you guess it, Bucky Barnes. The stoppers weren’t in his nose anymore, but the bandage was still stretched across it. He was accompanied by Sam Wilson this time, who looked like he was teasing Bucky about something. You looked away, picking at your lunch to keep yourself from doing something stupid like waving at him because you were sure he wanted to keep the number of people who knew you knew each other to a minimum, but he had other plans.
“Hey,” Bucky said when he reached your table with Sam in tow. He took the seat next to you. “You said you were gonna text me,” he playfully accused you. You felt just about every pair of eyes in the room aimed at your table.
You laughed. “I was going to, I swear.”
“So this is the pet project,” Sam chimed in, flashing you a charming grin.
“She’s not a pet,” Bucky grumbled.
Sam ignored him and offered you his hand to shake. “Sam Wilson, nice to meet you,” he introduced himself.
“I know who you are sir,” you said shyly, shaking his hand.
Bucky gagged. “Please, do not call him ‘sir’.”
“That’s why you deserved getting clocked in the face,” Sam retorted.
Bucky laughed and stole a fry from your plate. “These are good. Here, try this,” he said, handing one to Sam who hummed in approval after eating it.
“The food here isn’t as bad as I thought,” Sam admitted. Bucky reached over to steal another fry, but you swatted at his hand.
“Get your own,” you told him with a smirk. You glanced at Lucy and Miranda to find that they were practically slack jawed at the whole encounter.
“Hey, how about you join us for lunch,” Sam offered. “The rest of the team would love to hear how a Rookie gave the Winter Soldier a bloody nose.”
“Oh, I would love to, but I already--” you were about to gesture to your full plate, but Lucy yanked it away from you. She dumped your fries onto her own, and handed off your burger to Miranda who promptly took a bite out of it.
“You haven’t had lunch yet, you should go with them,” Lucy said, and Miranda nodded rapidly.
Sam and Bucky exchanged an amused look, and heat creeped up your neck. You would get back at them for that somehow.
“It’s settled then,” Bucky said, getting up. “Come on Rook.”
You got up, making sure to flip your friends off when the two men weren’t looking, and followed them across the room to the double doors leading outside. You ignored the stares of your other peers. You were a spectacle, a cadet about to go where no cadet had gone before.
The big leagues. The Avengers league.
The three of you got outside and followed the path that led to the exclusive part of the compound that housed the actual Avengers operations. You were surprised to learn that your key card actually worked there too, and the guys led you upstairs to the common area. You walked in and you were immediately star struck by the sight of Agent Romanoff lounging on one of the couches, reading a book.
“Hey Nat, is lunch here?” Sam asked, flopping down next to her. Without looking up, she jerked her thumb over to the table where towers of takeout containers laid, all with the logo of the catering company the organization used. “Nat, this is her,” Sam added, gesturing to you.
That made her look up and stare right at you. She grinned. “You’re the one who did that to Barnes?” she asked you.
“I love you,” you blurted out, and you turned about as red as her hair. “I mean, yes, I did do that. Accidently.”
She chuckled. “You must be doing something right, then,” she directed at Bucky.
“Where’s Steve?” Bucky asked.
“In the gym,” Nat said, getting up and closing her book. “He’s going to want to see you,” she told you. She led the way as the rest of you followed her to the gym. You had only heard about the Avengers gym through the grapevine, and you hesitated as they stepped through the doors.
“Am I even allowed in there?” You whispered to Bucky.
He just gave you a look as he held the door open for you.
“Right, I’m a dork, shutting up now,” you said and you stepped inside. It was breathtaking. Everything seemed to glitter and shine, and you felt like you had stepped into every agent’s wet dream. You looked over and saw Steve shadow boxing with a holographic opponent in the gym’s gigantic ring as the group approached. It was an impressive sight to see, and you were almost disappointed when it was over and he turned his attention to the rest of you.
“Y/N,” Steve said when he saw you. He went to the edge of the ring and leaned on the ropes. “I hear Bucky’s been putting in the work with you.”
You smiled up at him. “Yup, I’m the pet project,” you said, borrowing Sam’s term.
Steve nodded slowly. “Yeah. That’s another name for it,” he said, sliding his gaze over to his best friend. They exchanged a look that you couldn’t decipher, and Sam spoke up.
“You want a real challenger, Cap?” Sam said, nodding over at you.
Steve laughed. “Sure, if you’re up for a rematch, Rookie.”
You looked at Bucky, who gave you an encouraging nod, and you turned back to Steve. “Let’s tussle. For real this time.”
Steve helped you over the ropes and without waiting you went at him with everything you had. He wasn’t Bucky, so his movements were a bit unpredictable, but you managed to hold your own. Just as he was ready to lunge at you, you slipped between his legs and a got back up, swinging yourself up over his shoulders and dragging him down with your leg hooked around his neck, bending his arm into a severely uncomfortable position.
Sam let out a low whistle and Nat gleefully clapped her hands.
“Geez, Buck, what have you been showing her?” Steve struggled to say against your hold. You released him and helped him to his feet.
“She’s amazing right?” Bucky said, smiling over at you with a warmth that sent shivers down your spine. You didn’t even try to hide the way you beamed back at him.
“We might have to recruit you for the team once you finish the program,” Steve said.
Nat laughed. “It would be nice to finally have some help cleaning up after these guys,” she added.
Your mouth gaped open. They couldn’t be serious. This wasn’t happening, it was certainly a dream, it had to be. And you sure as hell didn’t want to wake up.
“Come on people, I’m starving,” Sam interjected, already headed back to the doors. The rest of you followed and settled down around the table. It just felt like you were sharing a meal with new friends. It was easy to forget that you were breaking bread with superheroes who had saved the world more than once.
Sam asked you what made you want to join the program, and you told him that you had wanted to honor your parents by doing your part to make the world a better and safer place.
“They’re military?” he asked. He could always tell.
You nodded. “Marine Corps. Dad died when I was four, and mom when I was six.” You felt Bucky place his hand on your knee, and you placed your own hand on top of his. This wasn’t your favorite subject.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Sam said soberly.
You shrugged. “It’s okay, it was great being raised by my grandparents. Plus, with all my experience with old people, I know how to deal with the Geriatsicle Twins over here,” you said, pointing your thumb at Bucky and Steve.
“Ha. Geriatsicle Twins. I’m stealing that one,” a voice said behind you.
You turned to see the Tony Stark walking up to the table in a suit that probably cost more than your life. He narrowed his eyes at you and looked you over.
“You the one who did that to Eyeliner of Death over there?” Tony asked, pointing at the bandage on Bucky’s nose.
You could only nod.
“Huh, so when she does it, she gets a hero’s lunch, but when I do it, Cap doesn’t talk to me for three years. Where’s the justice in that?” Tony reached over and grabbed one of the containers off the table and patted your shoulder. “Nice to meet you Rookie.”
“I love you,” you blurted out again. You couldn’t even muster up enough brain power to correct yourself.
Tony smirked at you. “Then we have something in common, kid.” He turned to Steve. “Meet me in the conference room when you can, Cap.” With that, the genius-billionare-playboy-philanthropist walked out of the room. Hot damn.
Everyone finished lunch and Steve went to meet Tony, and Nat went off to a meeting that was classified. You thought you’d be dismissed, but Bucky and Sam pulled you along to the living room where you watched them hilariously go at each other during several rounds of Mario Kart on the biggest television you’d ever seen. After a while, you informed them that you should head back to your room, and Bucky walked you back down to the front of the building.
You smiled up at him. “Thanks for lunch. And thanks for everything, really. I’ve learned so much from you.”
Bucky shrugged. “It helps when you have a student who’s just as talented as they are eager. But I don’t think you really need me anymore, Doll, you’re a pro.”
“I think I’ll always need you,” you said quietly. You cursed yourself for saying that out loud, but the look he gave made you regret nothing. Without thinking, you stepped forward and drew him into a hug, wrapping your arms around his neck and burying your face in the crook of it. His arms wrapped around your waist, drawing you in even closer, and not even air could come in between the two of you. You held each other, and you relished in it. It was the first time you had your arms around him that had nothing to do with training or violence, and even though he was right there, you knew you wanted more moments like this, you needed more moments like this. He pulled away first, his fingers dragging along your body until the last possible moment, and you shivered at the emptiness you felt when he let go.
“Do you need a jacket? I can go get one for you,” he offered, but you shook your head.
“No, I’m fine, I’m not going too far,” you assured him. “I’m meeting Lucy in the gym. She’ll want to know everything,” you said, rolling your eyes. He laughed, and your heart filled when you saw those damn crinkles. “Goodnight, Bucky.”
“Goodnight, Rook,” he said softly, and it took everything in you to push open the door and leave him.
You floated all the way to the gym where Lucy and Miranda were waiting for you on the treadmills. You took the one in the middle of them, and you all slowed to a walking pace to talk.
“You sneaky bitch,” Lucy said, shaking her head. “When were you going to tell me about all this?!”
“Eventually?” you said innocently, and she swatted at your arm.
“Tell us what happened, and don’t skip anything,” Lucy ordered. So you told them about lunch, and sparring with Steve again, and meeting Tony Stark. You had to pause every so often to let the two of them squeal and giggle, and when you finished, they were completely beside themselves.
“You’re gonna be an Avenger,” Lucy said excitedly. “I can’t believe I’m gonna be best friends with an Avenger.”
“Shut up, they were just joking,” you said sheepishly.
“They definitely weren’t,” Miranda said. “Those kind of people don’t joke lightly. Plus, those are the perks you get for putting out,” she smiled slyly at you.
You stopped your treadmill and stared at her. “I did not put out,” you said firmly.
“Girl, with those eyes and that hair? We don’t blame you, there is nothing to be ashamed of,” Miranda responded, and Lucy laughed. “You should try to get Steve Rogers next, that’d totally solidify your spot on the team.”
You could feel your blood boiling at what she was implying. You’d been through too much, clawed your way through hell and back to get to where you knew you deserved to be, and you’d be damned if you were going let anyone reduce it all to just ‘putting out.’
“I didn’t put out. I would never sleep with Bucky Barnes,” you spat out.
Lucy looked at you in surprise. “Why not?”
“Because he’s messed up, okay? They put his brain in a blender, and people around here want to act like he’s normal, but he’s not. What he needs to do is worry about getting a shrink, not getting booty.” Lies. They were all lies, but you were livid, and vitriolic nonsense was coming out of your mouth.
“Geez, tell us how you really feel,” Miranda said sarcastically and laughed, but Lucy just looked at you with concern.
Just then, you all heard the doors to the gym slam shut with a loud bang, and you turned to see who was there, but they were already gone. A sinking feeling overcame you, and you hoped on everything out there that it wasn’t who you thought it was.
“Who was that?” Lucy murmured, and you ran for the doors.
You got out into the hall in time to see his retreating back. “Bucky! Wait!”
He stopped, but he didn’t face you yet. He seemed to take a deep breath before turning back and heading toward you. His face was expressionless, and he refused to meet your eye. He had heard everything.
“Here,” he said, presenting something to you. You looked down and saw your shirt from earlier neatly folded in a plastic bag, free of any bodily fluids. “I convinced them not to incinerate it. You said it was your favorite.” He still wouldn’t look at you.
You could feel your heart shredding in half. “Bucky…”
“Just take it,” he said.
You did, and he turned around again making his way down the hall and around the corner, out the building, and probably out of your life forever.
You never hated yourself more.
_____________
Two weeks went by since the incident, and they were the worst two weeks of your life so far. That was kind of messed up considering you were literally an orphan, but you barely remembered how it felt to learn your parents had died.
The look on Bucky’s face though, you remembered crystal clear, and it felt like someone was stabbing you each time you thought about it. For the first week, you had gone to the gym early in hopes that he’d somehow come and let you explain yourself, but he never showed up. After a few days, you opted to stay in bed and not even bother. It hurt too much to be in that empty gym by yourself now.
You missed him.
You tried to convince yourself that this was for the best, that this gave you the room to focus on yourself like you wanted, but you couldn’t keep lying to yourself. You needed Bucky Barnes, and you had to at least try to get him back. So that night, after dinner, instead of following Lucy back to your room, you braced yourself and walked out of the other end of the mess hall and followed the path to the Avengers building. You used your key card to get in and stepped into the elevator, only you didn’t know exactly where you were going.
“Friday?” you called out tentatively.
“How can I help you this evening, Cadet?” her blithe accent called back.
“Oh, um, hi, yes, can you tell me where Bucky is?”
“Sergeant Barnes is currently in Captain Roger’s suite on the 14th floor. Would you like me to direct you there?”
“Yes please.”
“Should I inform them of your arrival?”
“God no, I mean, no that won’t be necessary. Thank you.”
The elevator whirred to life and you reached the right floor in no time.
“Down the hall and to your right,” Friday chimed, and you thanked the A.I. again.
Your feet felt like lead as you pushed forward. It was getting a bit harder to breathe, and when you reached the door, you took a few deep breaths to center yourself before finally knocking. After a moment, Steve opened the door, and he didn’t look all that shocked to see you. He gave you a warm grin, one you didn’t deserve, and gestured for you come inside.
“Buck, you’ve got a visitor,” Steve called out. He led you further into the impressive suite, and you saw Bucky sitting on the couch in front of the massive television. Game of Thrones was paused, and an ungodly amount of junk food littered the living room. Bucky wordlessly stared at you, and you felt like crawling into a hole.
“I’m gonna go make myself busy,” Steve informed the two of you, and disappeared into a different room.
You made your way to the couch until you were face to face with him. You didn’t know if you should sit next to him, so you just stood awkwardly in between him and the screen.
“Hi,” you said quietly, and he nodded in acknowledgment. “I don’t know where to begin,” you admitted, but he offered no help in that regard. You squeezed your eyes shut and opened them again, took a deep breath, and let it all out.
“I have a crush on you. And it’s not even one of those cute little school girl crushes either. It’s a big, huge, ugly, desperate one. I’m pathetic, really. Even before we met, I wouldn’t give it a rest. I actually considered what our wedding hashtag would be, and what our monogrammed pillows would look like. It was disgusting,” you sped out. You felt yourself bordering on hysteria, but you kept going. “And then we met, and I got to know you, and I realized how stupid I was, not because you weren’t great, but because you were so much more than anything I could dream up.”
“And my feelings for you only grew,” you continued, “and they got more real, and it was scary, but so so good, but…I’m not one of your groupies, okay? I’m not a fangirl holding onto to a copy of your Time magazine cover and hoping you’ll sign it. Well, I mean, I do have that copy of Time, but I don’t want your autograph, and it’s not like I have it hanging up anywhere. It’s in my underwear drawer. Which is kind of a weird spot, and it implies that I do weird things with it, but I don’t, it’s just there…” you trailed off when you saw him raise an eyebrow at you.
“Anyway, my point is, even though I have these feelings for you, I’m not beneath you. You might have a higher rank, but I am your equal in almost every way, and I think I’ve proved that you plenty of times. So when Miranda said I was only good because you were paying special attention to me, I snapped, and I said things that I didn’t mean.”
You looked him right in the eye. “Bucky, you have to know that nothing I said about you that day was true. Not at all. The truth is, you are the strongest, most awe-inspiring person I’ve ever met. If I had been through half of what you’ve been through, I’d be a puddle on the floor. But not you. In spite of it all, you’re here, and you’re wonderful, and you still find it in you to smile and laugh and help people find the good in life. You’re part of that good, and you shouldn’t let anyone, especially not a moron like me, tell you otherwise.” You swallowed down the emotions stirring in your chest. “And there’s nothing wrong with therapy, I go every two weeks myself,” you felt the need to add.
You girded yourself for his response to your verbal vomit, but he only stared at you. His blue eyes bored into yours, unreadable, not saying a word. You spent what felt like an eternity staring back, and the adrenaline that had gotten you there began to wear off and you felt the heat of humiliation warm your skin.
“Okay, soooooooo, yeah,” you said, inching away from him and the couch. “That’s all I came here to say. So, I’m going to go. Bye.” You practically ran out the door.
Steve came back into the living room and took your place in front of Bucky. “Buck, you’re just gonna let her go after that?” He heard the whole thing thanks to his serum-hearing.
Bucky let out a long breath and ran his hands through his hair. “I didn’t know what to say after that.” And he truly didn’t. He wasn’t used to anyone saying things like that to him, and he hadn’t been expecting it from someone as strong and independent and beautiful as you.
Steve sighed. “Why don’t you start with the fact that for the past two months, she’s been the only thing you could talk about, and your friends are about strangle you if you don’t do anything about it?”
Panic gripped Bucky from head to toe. How could he just let you leave like that? You weren’t the moron, he was.
“I gotta go,” Bucky said, and he bolted out the door after you.
_______________
“I’m gonna jump off the roof.”
That’s what you told Lucy when you got back to your room and flung yourself face first on her bed where she was scrolling through Instagram.
She patted your arm consolingly. “It went that bad?”
“I poured my heart out to him, and he just looked at me.”
“Ouch.”
You groaned loudly, and Lucy rolled you over so you could look at her. “Listen, you don’t need him. If he doesn’t want to accept your apology, screw him. You’re still the fiercest, most badass person in this whole joint.”
You laughed a little, but you still felt the sting of embarrassment. “Thanks Luc. I’m gonna go shower. Then jump off the roof.” She laughed at that, and shooed you off to the bathroom.
You turned the shower on as hot as you could bear, and let the bathroom fill with steam. You closed your eyes and let the water run over you. You hoped that you could finally put Bucky Barnes behind you. Today was clear evidence that you had been right all along; the best course would be to forget him and work on becoming the best agent you could be. The good thing was that you’d probably never run into him again. Training sessions with Avengers were few and far in between, and you doubted he would frequent the trainee gym anymore. Then, you’d graduate from the program in two years, and hopefully get shipped off to an assignment some plce far, far, away. Somewhere tropical, preferably. You could at least be thankful for that.
You got out of the shower and wrapped yourself in the biggest, fluffiest towel you had, and walked out of the bathroom and straight to your kitchenette.
“You know, I don’t even think the compound is high enough,” you called to Lucy over your shoulder. “I need enough height that will blow me straight into oblivion.” You rummaged through the freezer to find the ice cream sandwiches you put in there earlier that week. “Stark Tower is definitely high enough. Do you think our key cards work there too?” you chuckled a little to yourself.
“I dunno, but that sounds like something you should talk to your therapist about.”
You spun around at the voice that didn’t belong to your best friend, and found Bucky Barnes sitting on the edge of your bed. You looked over at Lucy, who was standing in the corner, her eyes wide. She shrugged and gestured at him vaguely. You adjusted the towel tighter around you.
“Hi,” he said, a whisper of a smile on his lips.
“Hello,” you said back.
You stared at each other for a tense moment.
“How did you find my room?” you asked him.
“Friday,” he answered. “She’s knows everything.” Made sense. Bucky stood and took a step toward you. “Look, you’re right. You’re not a groupie, or a fangirl, or anything like that. I never thought that for a second. I always knew you were so much more than that, from the moment I saw you walk straight up to Steve that day in the gym,” he said earnestly.
You both heard an audible crunch, and turned to see Lucy eating from a bag of chips as she watched the scene unfold intently. She seemed to become aware of herself and flustered about, looking for her shoes.
“I’m gonna leave y’all to it,” she said heading for the door. “Take your time, I’ll be good, don’t worry,” she said, mainly to you. She was about to open the door when she rushed back to one of her drawers and pulled out a sock. “Just gonna hang this on the knob,” she said holding it up. “Just in case.” She winked at you dramatically and left. You rolled your eyes.
Bucky laughed a little and you sat down on your bed, inviting him to do the same. He sighed again and looked at you. “You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever known, and as you like to point out, I’ve done quite a bit of living.” You laughed, and his smile got wider. “You take my breath away every time I see you, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t use those training sessions as an excuse to spend more time with you, at least at first. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’re not the only one with a big, huge, ugly, desperate crush.” His grin grew sheepish, and you melted at the edges a little with awe and relief.
In a moment a pure boldness, you reached up and kissed him. Your breath hitched at the contact, his lips surprisingly soft and warm. He deepened the kiss, encouraging your lips apart and sweeping his tongue over yours. You moaned shamelessly, and you needed more of you to be in contact with more of him, so you moved to straddle his legs, and his hands clutched at your hips and thighs. You dug your hands into his hair and tugged at it lightly, drawing out a moan from him that almost made you made you fall apart at the seams.
“Does that offer from before still stand?” you murmured against his lips.
“Maybe,” he replied, and you could feel him grin.
You hummed amusingly. “Shall we call Dr. Cho and have her get the incinerator ready? Just in case?”
“I don’t think that’s entirely necessary.”
“Well then…” you stood up and looked him right in the eye as you unwrapped the towel until it was a pile of fabric at your feet. His eyes widened as they traveled over you, and he bit his lip hard.
Boy, did he need to get a grip.