Chapter Text
Sawyer wasn’t expecting to be get jumped by a certain rockstar in broad daylight, but he was certainly happy about it.
Well, okay, so the sunlight is being blocked out by the tent. But whatever. It’s usually Sawyer who tries something at this hour.
Charlie’s more discrete. Sawyer thinks it’s because he just likes the thrill of sneaking out in the dead of night. Gives him a rush or something.
Today Charlie’s eager. And if Sawyer’s eyes weren’t playing tricks on him, he could’ve sworn Charlie’s eyes were more puffy than usual. Red like he’s been crying.
But he didn’t have time to really think about that, since the musician had found his way on top of Sawyer before the conman could even get a word in.
“Well someone’s awfully forward today.” Sawyer chuckled, pulling Charlie closer to him as he continued to kiss him gently.
Charlie laughed, keeping a hand on Sawyer’s chest to pin him down.
“I just needed a break...” Charlie admitted, sitting up and looking down at Sawyer. He looks...off. He’s smiling and laughing but Sawyer can see something lurking behind those blue eyes. “...a lot of pressure with my new, big mission and all.” Charlie leaned back down, but Sawyer only let it last for a moment before he broke away.
“You’re actin’ funny, sweetheart.” Sawyer watched carefully as Charlie slowly pulled back, sitting up again and looking around the tent nervously. “I do notice these things, ya know.”
“I’m fine.” Charlie lied, and Sawyer could see right through it. He’s smarter than that. “Don’t look at me like that.” Charlie laughed, and jumped a bit as Sawyer darted upwards.
The conman grabbed Charlie’s chin, tilting his head up to look him in the eyes.
“I’m a conman, sunshine. I know when someone’s lyin’.” Sawyer’s smile faded, and Charlie bit his lip at Sawyer’s shift in tone. “And you ain’t very good at bein’ sneaky.”
Charlie let out a shaky breath.
Well this is just grand. Great going, Charlie. What a fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into now...
He gulped, closing his eyes for a second and gently pushing at Sawyer’s chest again.
“I told you...I’m fine...” As Sawyer began to start falling backwards again, Charlie continued. “It’s just the stress...”
Sawyer raised a brow at that, and stopped Charlie again before he could pull him into another kiss.
“You sure? You ain’t hidin’ anythin’ from me?” Sawyer stared at him as intensely as he could, looking for any sign of dishonesty.
“Positive.” Charlie lied through his teeth, and Sawyer held his gaze for a few more moments.
Silence...
And then the conman smirked, tugging Charlie down by his shirt, surprising the musician. He adjusted pretty quickly though, thinking he was in control, but Sawyer had other plans.
In a few seconds, they were flipped. Sawyer had control again and Charlie was left in shock.
“I believe you, honey...” Sawyer leaned down, but didn’t kiss him quite yet. “Just don’t let it get to ya too much...I don’t want anythin’ happenin’ to ya...”
Charlie nodded, and Sawyer finally closed the gap between them.
Charlie broke it off this time, bringing his hands up to either side of Sawyer’s face.
“I love you...” He looked like he was on the verge of tears, and Sawyer knew something was up. But Charlie wasn’t ready to tell him yet. So he’ll wait. He trusts him. “...so much...”
“Charlie...”
“Promise me something.” Charlie suddenly became more serious, and Sawyer nodded slowly, brushing his fingers against the musician’s cheek.
“No matter what happens...you’re going to take care of Claire. And Aaron. Everyone.”
“Why are you-“
“Please, love...” Charlie’s voice cracked a little, and Sawyer could feel him shaking. “Just promise me this...I need you to do this.”
“I promise.” And he meant it.
•
“I’m sorry brother...”
That wasn’t the response any of them had wanted.
He’s gone. He’s actually gone. He’s never coming back and now they all have to live with that.
Sayid and Hurley are probably just as upset as he is.
No.
No they aren’t, actually.
Because they didn’t see Charlie in the way Sawyer did. They didn’t have what he had with him.
And so he gets angry. He doesn’t cry. He doesn’t grieve and whine because his boyfriend is gone.
Because now he can’t be that sensitive.
He has nobody to be sensitive for.
If Charlie was here he could cry.
But he’s not.
He’s gone.
Dead.
Lost forever.
There’s not even a body to go with it. Apparently Desmond couldn’t have been bothered to drag him up.
Screw him.
Screw everyone.
They don’t get it and they never will.
He’s turning it off. The guilt. The pain. He refuses to look weak or let anyone see him crack.
They don’t get that privilege.
That was Charlie’s and it was his alone.
He’s tuning out the sympathy and the pity he’s surely gonna get from Jack and Sayid. Rose will try to comfort him.
He doesn’t want comfort.
He doesn’t want pity.
He wants him.
He wants his sunshine back and that’s the one thing he can’t have.
•
He’s broken off from the rest of ‘em. They can sleep. He’s got better things to do than deal with dreams about Charlie that will soon morph into nightmares.
He purposely set up camp here. Right around that one area on the island that him and Charlie had all to themselves. Their little slice of paradise and privacy.
Just looking at the field of yellow is enough to get him choked up.
Sunflowers were always Charlie’s favorite. He never asked why, but does it really matter?
This is all he has left.
Claire’s probably gonna take most of Charlie’s stuff and that pisses Sawyer off to no end.
He’s taking his hoodie, though. Claire doesn’t get that. He just needs SOMETHING to hold on to.
Something he can take with him that’ll never shrivel up and die like these sunflowers inevitably will.
He couldn’t cry earlier, but now he can.
In this field he feels like it’s safe to get hysterical.
If Charlie was here, he’d be holding him. Cradling him in his arms and gently threading a hand through his hair.
Whispering words of comfort and love into his ear as he sobbed into the only source of relief he’s ever had.
But Charlie isn’t here.
It’s just a field.
Flowers and silence and more flowers.
No gentle accent in his ear.
No careful hand in his hair.
No warmth.
It’s cold. It’s cold and dark and it’s suffocating him.
He still doesn’t know how Charlie died.
If he drowned, is that what Sawyer is feeling right now? A less intense, less fatal version of what his lover had to go through.
He wants to hit something.
Someone.
Go on a rampage because that’s how he usually deals with his feelings.
But Charlie had held that part of him back for so long that now it’s gonna spiral out of control if he’s not careful.
Charlie grounded him.
Kept him sane and kept his composure intact.
Now? He can go off the deep end at any point. Hell, he might even be going there as we speak.
Everyone is going to gloss over it. Charlie will be forgotten as quickly as everyone else.
Sawyer will pretend to forget.
He’ll go back to his old, jackass self and everyone can hate him again.
But he’ll never actually forget him.
He can’t.
He never felt more loved than he had with Charlie.
His purpose is gone.
Abandoned in the ocean.
Rotting away in the Looking Glass or whatever.
And nobody will ever know just how meaningless Sawyer feels right about now.
But if Charlie were here, he’d tell him he’s not worthless.
That he’s worth so much more than he thinks he is.
Tell him how much he means to him and make him melt despite his tears.
But Sawyer can’t believe that right now. He’s lost.
More lost than he has been in a long while.
He never worried about this sort of thing because he had never loved someone like this before.
And now all he can think of is what Charlie told him before he left.
He’s a man of his word.
So he’ll pull himself together for the others.
For Charlie.
Because he has to.
“I love you too...”