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“So what do you want, baby?” Namjoon asked, scrolling through his phone to order food. Beside him on the bed, Seokjin was playing with a stuffed toy. Namjoon turned to look at his boyfriend, laughing to himself.
Seokjin looked adorable at that moment, in his oversized hoodie. Namjoon wondered where or how he got so lucky to get someone like Seokjin. Someone so pure and innocent, yet so easy to break.
Namjoon vowed to never break Seokjin. No matter what. But something told Namjoon that someone already had.
Seokjin and Namjoon have been dating for about half a year now. Things were getting serious, them having moved in together already. But Seokjin was the one who insisted. He had seemed scared, and Namjoon relented.
But he wouldn’t tell Namjoon why.
“Baby? Knock knock Jin,” laughed Namjoon, smiling gently as Seokjin looked up at him, eyes wide.
“What do you want to eat?” Namjoon asked gently, holding out his hand to Seokjin, who took it and played with his fingers.
“Whatever you want. I’m not hungry,” Seokjin said quietly.
Namjoon frowned. Seokjin had already refused breakfast, and Namjoon let it pass because he assumed that Seokjin really was hungry. But how could Seokjin still not be hungry after a whole day.
Namjoon looked back at Seokjin, snapping back into reality to see Seokjin looking at him nervously, holding the plush toy close to him. “A-are you mad at me?” Seokjin whispered.
Namjoon stared at him. Why would he think that-
“What? I’m not- Jin just tell me what you want and I’ll order it. Or I'll just get McDonald’s. Hm?” Namjoon asked. Seokjin nodded, wincing slightly.
Namjoon chose to ignore that.
~
The McDonald’s arrived soon, and the couple went into their dining room to have their food. Seokjin opened one of the brown paper bags and stared at the contents.
“Why’d you get me this?” he asked, picking up one out of two of the burgers.
Namjoon looked up at him as he opened the other bag. “I thought you liked it? You told me you liked it when we met,” he said in confusion.
“That was about 3 years ago Namjoon…” Seokjin whispered. “Before-,”
He cut himself off.
“Oh c’mon. You liked it then. Eat it now. It’s alright if you don’t I suppose. Sorry I got the wrong thing then. I can order you what you want now if you want?” Namjoon said, sitting down next to Seokjin and putting a hand on his shoulder.
“Erm. No it’s fine I suppose,” Seokjin said, sounding very tense.
Namjoon frowned, but nodded. Seokjin was odd, he would admit as much. He had met Seokjin in high school, where they were good friends despite Seokjin being one year older. After they had graduated, they lost contact for about 2 years.
Within that time, Namjoon knew Seokjin had dated other guys. Namjoon too had dated other men and women. But eventually, after Seokjin’s last relationship had ended quite badly, he met Namjoon again after he had knocked into Namjoon while running away.
Namjoon never got it out of Seokjin what happened that night. Or what Seokjin had been running away from. Seokjin closed up whenever Namjoon would mention that night. So he never did.
But they had found each other again. And that, Namjoon was grateful for. That the stars aligned and gave him back his friend that he had loved for ages.
But Seokjin had changed. He was still the rather introverted, handsome and shy man he was. But it was as though he had suffered hardships that ruined him. As though someone broke him and he was forced to build himself back up piece by piece.
The cracks were still there, and Namjoon tried helping him to fix them but it’s hard to fix the cracks when you can’t see them.
After they ate, Namjoon went into their bedroom. Seokjin went to do the dishes.
A minute passed. Then a few minutes. Then half an hour.
Namjoon realised that he couldn’t hear the sound of Seokjin washing the dishes anymore. But the sound had stopped quite early on. Namjoon knew from experience (read: horror movies) that when someone goes missing or something was amiss, check on it and don’t delay.
That being said, he went to search for Seokjin.
“Jin? You okay?” He called out as he stepped into the kitchen to see that the dishes were all done. But no Seokjin.
Namjoon felt worry rise in him. Did he run away? Was Seokjin unhappy? Should he just let Seokjin go, or should he chase after him?
That was… until he heard the gagging.
Namjoon ran to the toilet, stopping outside the door, his hand reaching out towards the handle. He paused. He heard the gagging again, and opened the door.
The shock and sadness he felt when he saw what was behind that door was more than he had ever experienced. To see his boyfriend, the person he loved the most in the world at that moment, was kneeling beside the toilet, tears running down his face, trying to force himself to vomit.
“Jin! What the fuck?! What are you doing?! Oh my fucking god, what were you thinking?!” Namjoon’s voice came out as a choked sob, as he kneeled down beside Seokjin, not knowing what to do.
Seokjin’s teary eyes widened when he saw Namjoon there. He sobbed some more, curling in on himself with tears wetting his clothes.
“Fuck. Seokjin…” Namjoon said softly. He reached out to touch Seokjin’s face, but Seokjin flinched.
Namjoon froze.
Seokjin, his sweet boyfriend who honestly seemed like a literal angel from heaven, flinched.
Namjoon’s eyes widened in shock. His hand slowly lowered, looking at Seokjin who had backed up. Looking sad, broken.
“Are you okay?” Namjoon asked. Dumb question, but it was all he had.
“Yeah, No, I-Uh, I’m fine.” Seokjin said, but more tears were filling his eyes.
“Why would you do that to yourself? Is it me? Tell me if it’s me, Seokjin please,” Namjoon whispered, pain and sorrow filling his voice. He has never had his heart hurt so much.
Seokjin stared at him. “Why would it be you? You’re perfect. I’m not. I’m not perfect. I’ll never be perfect. He said, I look ugly when I eat. And if I eat too much I’ll be fat, and no one’ll ever love me if I’ don’t look like how I’m supposed to look because that’s the only reason people want me!”
“You deserve so much better Namjoon, I’m sorry. I want to love you, I always have but how can I give you the love you deserve when I can’t even love myself?! I destroy myself everyday, it’s like I’m propping up this useless body on two wooden sticks for what? Just to fall back down again. I don’t deserve you. You’re smart, handsome, you have a good job. What do I have to offer, huh? Why are you here Namjoon? Why haven’t you left already?”
Namjoon didn’t know what to say. He had never seen Seokjin like this. So broken, not even fragile. Like seeing broken pieces, clumsily put back together all for it to fall back apart.
Why wouldn’t Seokjin see how beautiful he is? How beautiful each aspect of him was.
“Or maybe you just wanna make the wound hurt more. By making me actually believe…” Seokjin whispered.
“I’d never hurt you. He hurt you didn’t he? Whoever you last dated?” Namjoon asked softly.
“No… they all did. The last one just happened to have anger issues,” Seokjin said. And with that, he brought up the sleeve of his hoodie, revealing red scars that criss crossed on his arm. “I’m so fucking broken Namjoon. Why do you want me?”
“Because I love you Seokjin. I loved you before you become who you are today. Even in high school, I was just this bisexual awkward kid with a super handsome friend that I just wanted to ask out but was too cowardly to. I can’t 100% fix you, but I can give you everything you want that I can give. The scars will always be there but so will I. I’ll never leave you, okay? I don't care how long it takes, but I’ll always help you when you need me. Whether it’s help loving yourself, or just being you,”
“You’re beautiful no matter what, you have to see that. You don’t have to have some fucking body to be beautiful. I know you’re the most beautiful person I’ve met in my whole life. I don’t deserve better. I deserve you. And that already gives me more than I deserve. I’ll gladly help you heal Seokjin, even if you lose feelings for me, I’ll still help. Because I know i’ll never lose feelings for you,” Namjoon said, closing his eyes. He could feel tears burning at the back of his eyes but he just couldn’t let them out.
“Please don’t destroy yourself to try make you into what people wanted you to be. They’re irrelevant now. Use me okay Seokjin? Use me to love yourself,”
Seokjin was choking up in his tears, covering his face with his hands as he sobbed into his sleeves. Namjoon went up to him, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend in a hug. Seokjin wrapped his arms around Namjoon’s neck, hiding his face in his shoulder.
It’ll be okay, won’t it?