Chapter Text
As you tapped your foot against the carpeted floor of the conference room to Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie, you felt your once anxious mind calm down.
For far back as you could remember-which really was just the year 1981-music with your ever trustworthy Walkman had always helped you with...well everything.
It had been one of the reasons you loved that pencil-pushing job in the cubicle at Langley as an intelligence analyst. No unholy amount of paperwork could overcome the clarity you felt at the sound of music blaring through the headset at your ears, drowning out everything else in your world. There was no voices, no ringing in your ears, no screams.
It was all just the consistent sounds of songs you listened to time and time again.
(And as much as you hated to admit it, there was that stubborn bit of hope that refused to die in every song you listened to. Because maybe, just maybe-you had someone out there when you had no one to call your own.)
That stability you found in a world that you knew you had no place in was all thanks to an old acquaintance and now friend. Belikov must have heard from Lazar about the noise complaints from your neighbors. After all, the next time you met him at the scheduled Chicago Cubs’ game, he handed a boxed Sony Walkman WM-5 model with his usual smile under his signature blue Chicago Cubs hat.
As much as you prized your precious Walkman, you couldn’t help but notice how the timing of the mixtapes it played was...uncanny.
Granted, you made the mixtapes yourself. But the MK Ultra program didn’t give you foresight into the future.
You remembered Lazar laughing amusedly at your musings about that. You swore it was true although perhaps that was the paranoia left over the MK Ultra program.
Yet as you sat patiently at the conference table, you couldn’t help but feel a sense of foreboding that punctuated the ringing silence the Walkman had before it moved onto the next song on your mixtape.
SHOT THROUGH THE HEART AND YOU'RE TO BLAME-
As the song you had listened to for years after quite literally getting shot in the heart rang loud and clear in your ears, you registered the doorknob turning across the room.
And suddenly, you just knew.
The song you had listened to for a year while getting as drunk as a fish in bars was coming back to haunt you with a vengeance.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake-” you muttered to yourself, perhaps a bit more loudly than you intended.
Russell Adler walked through that door not a second later.
Even as you swiveled your gaze to the suddenly very fascinating waste basket at the opposite side of the room, you couldn’t help but look at your former...superior out of the corner of your eye.
He was as calm and composed as ever. Signature sunglasses and the ever present cigarette in hand, he looked the same as he did in 1981.
Years ago, you would have admitted that it was frustrating to be ignored that way.
But now, all you could hope for was that he was just here to sit in for the meeting.
If the implanted memories were any indication, Russell Adler always tied up loose ends.
And you were that one loose end that just wouldn’t die.
Quietly sighing to yourself, you soon turned your attention to the briefing that just started. Half of the people you didn’t recognize. But you did notice the familiar figures of Lazar and Belikov sitting in the seats next to Adler.
It must have been some time into the briefing that you felt a forceful nudge at your leg. Turning slightly, you faced your neighbor, recognizing the familiar face.
She was an analyst at the cubicles in Langley as well. Although, she had a fair resume filled with a reasonable amount of fieldwork related to the Eastern Bloc.
“Bell,” she said as you read her lips and the frustrated look in her eyes, “Turn off that damn Walkman.” you assumed she said that in a hiss.
Truth be told, you weren’t exactly popular among the analysts at Langley. You were rather aloof with your quiet lunches in your little cubicle and constant listening to music on your Walkman in the busy hallways.
Suddenly, you saw the analyst’s head turn towards the upper end of the conference table.
And just like before, you simply knew who your “neighbor” was looking at.
“There’s no problem, sir. It’s just her-” You saw the analyst gesture to yourself before she added, “I don’t know if she was paying attention to the briefing.”
There were several times in your line of work that you wish your conversational and social skills were more up to par....and this was one of those times.
You looked at Adler, shrouded in a sparse cloud of smoke with his signature sunglasses on.
“Bell,” was the word you registered all too well.
You felt the gunshot scar on your chest ache in pangs because you heard that word-BellBELLBell-in Vietnam all those years ago-nonono
It wasn’t real. And you had to listen to the advice the shrink gave you.
They were all just surreal dreams.
“Sir?” you quietly inquired, making sure to use the honorific. After all, there never ever was any personal feelings involved in the past and thus formality should be used to distinguish that (and deep down you knew it was for your sake because you had to draw a damn boundary between reality and whatever the hell MK Ultra planted inside you).
For a split second, you could have sworn something crossed his face. Although, you could never tell what he was thinking behind those shades.
“We’ve got a job to do, Bell.” You felt yourself freeze, “What is it?”
He was testing you.
Of course.
“Objective is a downed American recon satellite over the Angolan desert. Secure perimeter, destroy sensitive technology, and exfil at 1300. Weapons armament is at our discretion,” you said in clipped statements before adding, “Further details will be assigned to us at a later time.”
Much to the frustration of your “neighbor”, Adler simply nodded approvingly at you in that ever slight way before taking a drag of his cigarette.
Luckily, the briefing was over in around 15 minutes without a hitch.
By the time it was over, your mixtape had already gotten to Tainted Love by Soft Cell and you were already in the middle of jumping out of your chair and making a hopefully subtle dash to the hallway.
From the pain you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
Suddenly, you felt a weighted, warm pressure on your shoulder and you instantly twisted around with your hand on the origin of the pressure-
-only for you to blink in consternation at the warm feeling of calloused skin against your own.
He’s not wearing gloves, you thought vaguely for a moment as you held Adler’s large calloused hand on your shoulder.
Wait-
“Sorry, sir-” you jerked away from him with an apology, “...old habits die hard.”
'What old habits? You had none, not with him.' you kicked yourself mentally.
“You should be more aware of your surroundings.” Ah, yes...The same kind of lecturing you would get in the safehouse when you would listen in on his calls...Granted that somewhat deserved, but it wasn’t like he wasn’t watching over you 24/7 like that time you saw him watching you wander around in the darkroom.
“Yes, sir.” you simply said. It was better to be unnoticed by Adler than it was to piss him off. If you had to be the same devoted, obedient subordinate as before, so be it.
There just wouldn’t be any personal feelings involved this time.
(because there were none. It was never personal.)
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night
You couldn’t help but feel rather awkward at the silence that lingered in the air.
“If that’s all, I’ll be going now, sir.” you rather sheepishly said before moving to turn to walk away.
“What are you listening to, kid?” Adler asked suddenly.
“What?”
“The song,” he gestured to the Walkman secured at your waist.
“Tainted Love,” you quickly answered, “Soft Cell.”
You could’ve sworn you saw Adler’s lips twitch up ever so slightly in almost a rather smile....or grimace. You could never quite tell with him.
“It’s a good song, Bell.” was all he said before walking away.
And with that exchange, you were left alone and confused in the hallway.
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now, I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given