Work Text:
It is a busy night. Or rather, it should be a busy night for Kim Junkyu, being a student under the Department of Vocal Music and Composition.
He’s swamped with papers to be written and compositions to be submitted by the end of the week but despite the pressure of deadlines, Junkyu’s mind is as empty as the music sheet he’s been staring at for hours now. He was able to write around four lines and some notes, but it doesn’t feel right. Every lyrics he write down feels half-hearted, half-assed words that’s been written down just for the sake of writing something.
He’s not the very studious nor grade-conscious type of university student, but when it comes to music and writing songs, he gives it his all. He makes sure that each work is done with every bit of his focus and his best effort.
But it seems like tonight will be just another night of not being able to do anything productive once again.
Junkyu lets out a deep sigh and runs his hand through his hair, already feeling frustrated by the lack of inspiration. He doesn’t want to admit that he’s going through a slump, but it’s been months since he last made a song worth submitting, so it seems like he’s really going through one.
He stares at the words he wrote down before crumpling and leaving it on his desk.
At this point, Junkyu just gives up and lays down on his bed. The softness of the cushion and pillows and warmth of his blanket giving him a little bit of comfort to his troubled mind and heart.
It’s only 9 in the evening. It’s not that late in the night yet, it’s too early to sleep but already too late to go outside and hang out with his friends. And to be honest, Junkyu prefers staying at his room since he feels drained these days. At least inside the four walls of his room, he doesn’t have to pretend that he’s okay and that the pain he’s feeling is not slowly eating him alive.
At least when he’s alone, he doesn’t have to try deceiving his heart, as if nothing’s wrong.
With nothing left to do, Junkyu just scrolls through his instagram and chuckles as he sees the new posts of his friends. But he stops scrolling and his breath hitches as he sees Haruto’s post next.
It was Jeongwoo.
And coincidentally, as if by some fate, when Junkyu scrolls further down, Jeongwoo’s post was next.
Unsurprisingly, it was Haruto.
Junkyu just smiles it off.
He looks at his own feed instead. His last post was weeks ago, and it was their group picture when they all went out to eat grilled pork.
As he stares at the picture, his eyes flicker over to Haruto and he feels the dull ache in his chest and the hatred he’s trying to suppress slowly trying to seep out.
-
Junkyu hates him.
Kim Junkyu, the all-around nice guy, the guy who’s friendly to everyone and is liked by all, hates someone.
Yes, he hates Haruto.
It’s amusing because Haruto is his closest friend- best friend even, in their group and yet, Junkyu can’t help but hate the guy. It’ll be very surprising for others who know Junkyu but for the man in question, he already has his reasons listed down.
First, he hates Haruto’s height and looks.
He’s undeniably handsome, Junkyu will give him that, and it’s annoying because Haruto himself knows it and brags about it. And Junkyu’s older than him only by a year but the guy is already taller and basically towers over the rest of their friends. It’s not like Junkyu’s lacking in the height department, but if you ask him about Haruto’s height and insanely good looks, it’s something he’d always be envious of. How, even without trying so hard or dressing up too much, he still looks like he just came fresh from a magazine shoot.
Second, Junkyu hates Haruto’s confidence and honesty.
He hates how the younger one has this air of confidence around him. It’s not the annoying kind of confidence, you see, but it’s the type that’ll leave you in awe and somehow, starstruck. He hates how Haruto is so sure of how he carries himself, how he’s proud of his strengths but can still admit his weaknesses so easily, because despite being the older one, Junkyu can’t. No matter how hard Junkyu tries, he just can’t be as confident as Haruto and with every little mistake he makes, be it a tiny crack on his voice or an unnoticeable wrong dance step, his facade of confidence cracks a little that it makes him more insecure.
Third, he hates Haruto’s humor and how he’s funny without trying.
Even when sometimes Junkyu himself becomes the subject of the younger’s teasing. Because even if he stops himself, Haruto’s jokes will always make him burst out laughing, that sometimes Jihoon gives him a weird look because the joke wasn’t that funny at all. Junkyu hates how he finds it funny and cute when Haruto messes up his Korean that even Hyunsuk and Jaehyuk teased him after he shouted, “that’s Haruto’s charm!”, that one-time Haruto said a wrong sentence. Junkyu hates Haruto’s odd but enticing charm that draw people towards him because it is that very charm that drew him closer to Haruto with no way of turning back.
Fourth, he hates Haruto’s smiles, his laugh, the way his cheeks bumps up and his eyes creases as he hold back a grin, even the weird loud noises he makes out of nowhere or whenever he’s excited.
He even hates Haruto’s deep voice and how soothing it can be when he talks. He hates how Haruto reaches out and cling to him when they used to sit side by side, or how Haruto looked at him when they are far from each other. He hates it all, as childish and illogical as it may sound, because all these quirks tugs at Junkyu’s heart that he finds himself staring at Haruto a little longer than he should.
And lastly, those eyes. Junkyu hates them.
He hates Haruto’s eyes and how big and expressive those orbs can be. He hates how those eyes demand his full attention, and how Junkyu gives it all willingly. He hates how, despite years of friendship, Haruto’s eyes still can’t see through what he really feels. And he hates how those eyes perfectly shows what Haruto feels that he can’t simply hide his emotions. Junkyu hates those big, big, doe eyes because he can easily see that he’s not the one Haruto likes.
Junkyu hates them because every time he looks at him, Haruto’s is always looking at Jeongwoo.
And it breaks him because he can’t truly hate the guy he likes so much even if he tried.
Maybe this hatred Junkyu has is not for Haruto, but for himself. Because he knows that he should’ve stopped himself from liking his friend right from the start. That despite already knowing his place in Haruto’s life, he still carelessly let his feelings grow.
Because even though he’s feeling hateful, Junkyu knows it’s not Haruto’s fault, after all, that he fell for someone else. Someone better than him. If anyone is at fault, it’s Junkyu, because he can’t stop his feelings for Haruto even when he likes someone else.
If Junkyu could only do whatever he wanted with his heart, he would’ve thrown away these feelings a long time ago.
It has been months since Haruto and Jeongwoo started going out.
Haruto told them one time before that he met Jeongwoo outside one of the lecture halls, looking quite lost. The semester has just started then. It turned out that Jeongwoo was a transfer student and was indeed lost. Haruto approached him first and offered help. He also introduced Jeongwoo to their group, figuring out that the transfer student is in dire need of friends as well, and all of them easily became friends with each other.
That’s when Junkyu noticed that ever since then, the two were always together. Jeongwoo would sometimes even join in on Junkyu and Haruto’s weekend hang out. Junkyu didn’t mind, of course. Jeongwoo is a nice guy and they both get along well even without the presence of Haruto. It only started bothering him when Haruto would often cancel on their prior plans just to accompany Jeongwoo somewhere, leaving Junkyu all alone.
He was getting this anxious feeling, like Haruto is slowly slipping away from him, but he didn’t bring it up thinking that his best friend hanging out with another friend is only normal. They can always hang out some other time, anyways.
Junkyu should’ve seen it coming then. When Haruto started hanging out with him less and less, or when Haruto would always talk about Jeongwoo on the now rare occasion that they do hang out. Or when Junkyu tries to take a step closer towards him, Haruto holds Jeongwoo’s hand and get far away, as if drawing an imaginary line that Junkyu can’t cross. He should’ve known then, and he should’ve paid attention to the painful squeeze his heart makes whenever Haruto brings up the guy, that Haruto is starting to fall for their new friend.
Junkyu should’ve known then.
That they will inevitably fall for each other.
And he should’ve done something then.
Haruto and Jeongwoo told them about it one afternoon, when everyone was gathered to just relax after a stressful week of exams, that they started going out.
It wasn’t surprising at all. But what surprised Junkyu was the emotions he felt. The intense ache on his chest almost suffocated him and left him speechless. It made him want to cry right then and there, but he can’t and he won’t, because his best friend just told them great news, and he felt like it was his responsibility to show Haruto that he’s happy for them. Because he is, even though his heart was breaking into tiny little pieces as he smiled for Haruto and Jeongwoo.
The hardest part for Junkyu was how to get rid of his feelings. Anyone who’s going through the same thing as Junkyu would think that the best way to get over their feelings is by avoiding the source of pain.
But Junkyu thought different.
Despite hurting and having a hard time himself, he never declined when Haruto would ask him on rare occasion to hang out with him and Jeongwoo nor he shied away when their group goes out to eat and Haruto and Jeongwoo will still stick side by side and smile and tend to each other.
It kills Junkyu inside but he figured that, maybe the more he saw them together, the easier it’ll be for him to get over his feelings for Haruto. That when the pain he feels became too much for him, maybe then, he’ll get tired of being hurt, become numb, and his feelings will finally and eventually fade.
Because this is the only way he knows how, because he can’t stay away from Haruto even if it meant hurting himself more.
It’s a relief that their group of friends hadn’t figured it out that Junkyu likes Haruto, and just passed it off as Junkyu being his usual self whenever he became quiet and distracted, when the truth is, the pain was too much for him to bear whenever Haruto and Jeongwoo gaze at each other as if they are the only one around. As if Junkyu and his unrequited feelings did not exist.
But Jihoon saw right through Junkyu.
“You don’t have push yourself so hard, you know.” Jihoon said, that one time he cornered Junkyu when he's sure they were alone and their friends were either too far or too busy to hear, because he’s had enough with Junkyu pretending that he’s not hurting.
Junkyu only gave him a questioning look.
“I know you like him, Kim Junkyu.” Junkyu was caught off guard and looked around in panic in case someone else heard. He thought he hid his feelings well. Does this mean the rest of their friends know as well? “Don’t worry. It’s only me who figured it out.” Jihoon continued, as if hearing Junkyu’s thoughts.
“It’s no big deal, Jihoon. I’m fine.”
“You say you’re fine, but I can hear your heart breaking whenever you look at Haruto and Jeongwoo.” Jihoon had his arms folded, worry written on his face. “You’re killing yourself this way, Junkyu.”
Junkyu just laughed it off and muttered that he’s really okay and that Jihoon doesn’t need to worry.
Jihoon had no choice but to let it pass, as Junkyu immediately turned and walked towards Haruto when he called him.
-
Junkyu closes his eyes.
Remembering all that stuff only made him feel more awful. He wants to cry, maybe that way he can lessen the pain, but even his tears won’t listen to him.
He’s tired. Of feeling hurt. Of pretending that he’s fine. Of having these feelings. Of having to hide his pain behind a smile.
Just as when he’s starting to feel sleepy, his phone rings loudly. Junkyu groans, not really in the mood to talk to anyone, but still grabs his phone. His gaze instantly softens as he looks at the caller ID. It’s Haruto. Junkyu answers right away.
“Hyung…” the younger one speaks, voice sounding hoarse, as if he just cried. And with just one word, Junkyu already knows what happened.
He stands up, and gets his jacket, wallet, and keys, already prepared to go to where the younger guy is.
“Where are you?” Junkyu asks.
“The usual.”
“I’ll be there. Wait for me.”
When Junkyu arrives at the pop-up bar near their apartment, the younger one already finished a bottle of soju and was already tipsy. He clicks his tongue at the sight. Haruto has never been one to turn to alcohol since Junkyu knows he’s not good drinker and hates its bitter taste, so he assumes that Haruto and Jeongwoo must’ve had a big fight for him to be like this.
“Are you okay?” Junkyu asks right away as he sat down in front of Haruto.
Haruto looks up at him, eyes red and hair messy, and just chuckles sadly.
Haruto offers to pour him a drink but Junkyu refuses. He’s not there to drown his feelings in alcohol, he’s there for Haruto. But the latter still pours him a drink.
“Was it a big fight?” Junkyu asks again when Haruto still won’t talk. The younger one only nods timidly and drinks another shot.
Junkyu stares at him but Haruto’s gaze is directed towards his phone, obviously waiting for Jeongwoo to call or even text. And it hurts Junkyu, because he's the one who's there for Haruto but it makes him feel like he’s no longer needed in Haruto’s life because Jeongwoo is already there.
It was Junkyu’s turn to drink. It seems like he can’t go through this without the help of alcohol.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, Ruto, but you should know that getting drunk on a school night isn’t a very good idea.”
Haruto sniffs then, a tear falling. The sight only hurting Junkyu more. “It was just a small argument, at first…” Haruto went on and told him what happened. They were arguing about something else until the subject turned to how Jeongwoo doesn’t have enough time for Haruto lately and how Haruto is too possessive of Jeongwoo. It was just a petty fight, Haruto points out. One that escalated to a bigger fight because they got too worked up and won’t back down because of their pride that it lead to Jeongwoo walking out of Haruto’s room and Haruto drinking here at the bar and eventually calling Junkyu to comfort him.
Junkyu listens intently, nodding as his friend keeps talking, his eyes flickering every now and then from Haruto’s face to his hands that’s on top of the table. When Haruto finished talking, Junkyu was about to reach out for Haruto’s hand but caught himself midway and stopped, dropping it to the table instead.
A part of him wishes that Haruto will be the one to reach out and hold his hands first, so Junkyu can entwine his hands with Haruto's and fill the gaps between his fingers but a part of him also knows that it’s a space that Junkyu can never fill up.
Junkyu chooses to distract himself so he looks at Haruto instead, only to end up more caught up in his thoughts. Why is it that even with disheveled appearance, with tears running down his face, his hair messy with being run over by his fingers too many times, and him generally looking awful, Haruto still looks beautiful to him?
Junkyu badly wants to hold him, hug him, kiss his tears away and maybe even tell Haruto to just leave Jeongwoo because with how frequent they argue, maybe it won’t work out between them after all, but he can’t. Because it’s wrong.
And as much as he wants to be selfish, he just can’t. Not when he knows Haruto truly likes Jeongwoo. Not when Haruto is happy. He can’t do that to his best friend.
Haruto has his head bowed down, barely awake due to drinking too much soju.
Junkyu takes this chance to pull out his phone and text the only one who can take Haruto away from this miserable situation.
He downs one more shot, before speaking up. “You really like Park Jeongwoo, right?”
“A lot, hyung.” Ah, it hurts.
“Then you two should talk this one out. If you really want to work this with him, set your pride aside. Go apologize first if needed. It’s not about who’s wrong, it’s about how you two should fix what you think is wrong in your relationship.”
Haruto looks up at him once again, tears still streaming down his face, but this time he finally smiles. Junkyu sighs in relief and smiles back.
“Thanks, Junkyu hyung.” Haruto wipes down his tears and continues, “You’re always there for me and I really appreciate that. You're my best friend, you know that right?”
You’re my best friend. Words that Junkyu thought would never hurt him, until the day came that it did.
Junkyu only nods, avoiding Haruto’s eyes. He knows that all too well.
Right from the start, he had no chance anyway. He’s just a friend and a hyung to Haruto. And he’ll always be that way for him. Just a best friend. Maybe it’s about time he gives up his unrequited feelings. Maybe he needs to be satisfied with just being someone Haruto can lean on. Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe he just needs to accept it. But how? Junkyu doesn’t know.
Junkyu blinks out the tears that’s welling on his eyes and swallows the lump in his throat.
Junkyu can only smile.
He looks at Haruto, then his eyes flicker towards the entrance of the tent where a familiar figure is approaching and Junkyu knows it’s time for him to leave soon.
“Your relationship is stronger than these fights, Ruto…” Junkyu continues, “You and Jeongwoo will be fine, you can get over this.”
“Haruto…” someone called behind, and Haruto immediately whipped his head towards the source of the voice he’s been waiting for the whole night.
Jeongwoo walks further towards them. “Thanks for texting me, Junkyu hyung.” Junkyu just smiles, not trusting his voice to speak, because it might crack and reveal what he’s truly feeling.
Haruto is staring at Jeongwoo, now. Too stunned to speak and too embarrassed that his boyfriend found him in a drunken state. While Junkyu is still looking at Haruto who only looks at Jeongwoo. This is his cue to leave the two alone and the sign for him to finally give up.
With a resigned sigh, Junkyu stands up and gestures for Jeongwoo to take his seat. And basically his place in Haruto's life.
“I’m no longer needed here so I’ll go now.” Junkyu says jokingly but god knows that he meant every word and it hurts.
Junkyu is now back in the safety of his room. He’s seated on his desk again, the music sheet now uncrumpled in front of him, as the words he wrote down earlier stare back at him.
He feels too overwhelmed as he stares down at the lyrics, the hurt and the regret crashing over him like a waves, drowning him.
Either you or me, one of us is a fool
Cause I can’t leave you but I can’t go to you
I’m just looking at you, who looks at him
As I comfort myself with tears
Maybe it’s better this way. His feelings remaining hidden and unreciprocated as he cries it out every night, hoping that little by little, it will go away along with the tears that dries up on his shirt and pillows.
Maybe it’s better if he’s just someone Haruto can lean on.
And the tears that Junkyu has been stopping all night, finally pours out.
Along with the lyrics and melody that perfectly expresses his unrequited feelings and unconfessed love.