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Fancy parties didn’t suit Jusis. He, a Lord, who should partake of such frivolous events and enjoy the bowing, the kissing of hands, the idle chatter… he could hardly attend without feeling a gentle ship-rocking of queasiness in his stomach. Dramatic, maybe, but they made him want to vomit.
As for Rean... well, celebrities were invited to such parties all the time. He should be used to them by now. But when Jusis had asked, Rean's initial reaction had been: isn't there someone else you could ask? Someone who is good at parties?
Actually, he'd said none of that, not with his words at least. But his eyes had screamed "find another stooge". Still, this was Rean Schwarzer, the helper of all, from the desperate to the mildly inconvenienced. And even more important, this was his closest friend. He'd agreed without any argument, without pleading or begging. Rean Schwarzer, the loveliest of companions - in a totally platonic way, Jusis was sure to clarify. A miracle of a man, who was too used to being taken advantage of to fight it any longer.
So he’d said yes.
Emboldened, Jusis had laid out his plan.
It was a simple plan. They'd arrive at the party together. They wouldn't leave each other's side. Perhaps they’d even touch each other's shoulders once or twice, maybe brush fingers. Exchange some longing looks. And most importantly, if a woman approached and asked either to dance, they were to say: I'm afraid I'm taken for the night.
Of course, it was all a ruse. No one had to know that they were only good friends. And this way, neither would have to outright confirm any sexual preference.
After hearing this plan, Rean had just stared at him dumbly. But Jusis refused to backpedal. He’d just asked Rean to date him - fake date him, though! And only for one night.
And if said ruse didn't get the point across...? That Jusis Albarea was not interested in women, much less in DANCING with women? Then he would have to just give up. Throw in the towel. Find a meek girl who wouldn't get in his way and pretend to have interest in her. That'd soothe the public's concerns, right? That would be a moral and upright thing to do, wouldn’t it...?
Haunted by the torture he would be forced to preform on his future wife, Jusis had kept his eyes locked on Rean’s. Neither budged. Then Rean’s shoulders sagged ever so slightly. “I guess I can do that…”
They'd picked Rean up on their way to Lord Hubert's villa. For all the anxiety both had over the night to come, they'd greeted each other with enthusiasm and joked ambiably on the ride over. Jusis took the time to fix Rean's tie, which had somehow been put on backwards. Rean had flushed red during this moment, thanking him ("Oh, no, I'm the one who is thankful. You're a lifesaver, Rean. I couldn't have relied on anyone else...")
As soon as the car pulled up to the villa's gate, conversation died. Twitching began. Tugging at cuffs and collars and glancing at each other, smiling shy smiles when eyes met. This was ridiculous. They were good friends! What was a little deceitful dating between two good, good friends…?
The plan would work.
Nothing could go wrong.
---
It was nearly midnight by the time things Went Wrong (horribly wrong!).
Lord Hector’s daughter was tall, slim, and pretty. She had skin like a white shell, and water-swept eyes. The color of her hair even complimented Jusis’s, the same shade of yellow.
Jusis automatically began casting about for his ‘date’. Where had Rean wandered off to? They’d been having a surprisingly great time this evening, joking around and remembering to brush hands and shoulders together every so often. It had almost become a game - who could do so with the most suggestion? So far Jusis was winning, or so he liked to think.
But now Rean was gone, replaced by a thrill of fear up Jusis’s spine.
He turned back to the woman - uh, Bianca? Perhaps? And gave a polite smile. “Yes, hello. You look lovely this evening.”
Her eyes lit up, from a seaside to stardust. She was really very beautiful, a fact that made Jusis squirm. He didn’t like seeing beautiful women upset, and it was inevitable that he was going to be upsetting her very soon.
“You remember, then?” She gave him a toothy smile. Oh, it was so genuine. “We met when I was just a girl, at a party, just like this… you danced with me all night. I had such a wonderful time with you!”
There was a hint of teardew in her voice and Jusis’s heart twisted in his chest. He’d been to a lot of parties. He’d danced with a lot of girls. This was the first time he felt remorse at not remembering one of them. “Ah, yes… how could I forget?”
The lie was obvious, but she clasped her hands to her chest and seemed to grow even taller, emboldened. “I-I’m so glad to meet you again. Perhaps we could, for old time’s sake… share another dance?”
“I’m afraid I’m taken for the night,” Jusis said, blunt as he could. Make it a clean wound. That way it wouldn’t fester…
Bianca seemed to crumple in on herself, but it was all held within her eyes. Nothing else about her changed. She even kept her hands clasped to her chest, as if she had forgotten they were there. “Ah, I see. Is she here, by any chance…? Your date, that is. I’d love to meet her. She must be such a - such a wonderful woman.”
Jusis became aware that he was doing the same thing as Bianca. He didn’t sway a bit, didn’t grimace or tighten his grip on his glass of champagne. But if she had been perceptive enough she would have caught the smallest of quirks at the corner of his mouth. “My date is lovely, yes.” Come on Albarea. Do better than that. “We’re old friends. We even ah, dated back at the academy. Very attractive… well built… with the prettiest lavender eyes.” Well, it was true. He’d always thought Rean had beautiful eyes. Really, really beautiful eyes. “The kindest person you’d ever meet. Always helping others, even when it means there’s no time left for romance! Just… just a bleeding heart, I must admit. Sometimes I worry but, I know I shouldn’t…”
A sharp smile had crept over Bianca’s face as he spoke. “You seem absolutely, head over heels in love.”
“Well… I suppose I am. I have been. For a long time.” Was it warm in here, or was it just him?
She lowered her hands back to the skirt of her dress, clasped so tightly that they were almost fists. “How adorable. But there’s just… one thing. This is going to sound silly. But, what’s her name?”
Caught. Jusis pulled on his collar. Should he just say the first name that came to mind…? He opened his mouth to do so and stopped himself from blurting out “Laura Arseid”. How foolish! That lie would be seen through in a moment. Everyone knew of the Arseid family, and he would never want to cause trouble for Laura.
His slight hesitation seemed enough to confirm something for Bianca. She curtsied deeply. “It was wonderful to meet again with you, Lord Jusis. Oh, there is my father…! I’m afraid I must be going. I have something I must discuss with him.” And off she swept across the floor, like an arrow from a bow, sailing right to the target.
How long, he wondered, until word got out that Jusis Albarea was in fact 100% gay? Dating a man! This was fine. He’d planned for this to happen. It was inevitable. Now perhaps the lords and ladies of Erebonia would stop throwing their daughters at him! And he hadn’t exactly confirmed it himself. So there was still room to deny it vehemently. Who was going to believe Bianca Claiselle? Just a noblewoman, just… the daughter of Lord Hector Claiselle… the most influential nobleman when it came to swaying the minds of other noblemen to his views…
It was time to grip that champagne glass tighter. This was the plan! So what? So what! If everyone knew he was gay - yes, he was! - and that he was in a relationship with -
A hand ghosted across his own. He jumped so hard that a little of the amber liquor splashed out of the glass and onto his jacket. “Oh, sorry.” It was Rean. A sight for sore eyes - his lovely friend.
Jusis made a grasp for his collar and managed to undo one button. “There you are.” He gave Rean a hard stare. The man seemed flushed, pawing his hands together and glancing around. “Wh-where have you been…?”
“Just needed some fresh air. I had some things to think about.” How mysterious. Then he grasped onto Jusis’s jacket sleeve. “Hey uh… could we maybe go somewhere more private? There’s something I need to tell you.”
A swish of skirt hem announced the return of Bianca. Whatever Jusis had thought of her timid beauty, he’d been wrong. There was an angular slant to her smile. And standing beside her, puffed up and incredibly sweaty, was the Great Gossip himself. He peered at the slim gap of space between Jusis and Rean, then sniffed.
“Lord Jusis,” he drawled, acknowledging Rean with a glance. “And you are…?”
Bianca curtsied again, this time to Rean. “Oh, hello. You must be the Ashen Chevalier, correct?” Before Rean could answer, she clapped her hands together. “How delightful! Is there any way I could bother you for a dance? My father and Lord Jusis have important matters to discuss. I would love to keep you company while they talk.”
Rean rubbed the back of his neck. “I… I’m afraid I’m taken for the night?”
Jusis fought the urge to bury his face in his hands. He regained his composure and elbowed Rean. “You should go with her. As I recall, she’s a wonderful dancer.”
Rean seemed at a loss. He stared dumbly at Jusis, then to Hector, and finally gave Bianca a weak smile. “I’m sorry, I’m not nearly as good at dancing as Jusis. I’m afraid I’d step on your feet…” He cleared his throat. “And besides, I came with Jusis tonight. I’d hate to abandon him in the middle of a party.”
Lord Hector swayed back, ruddy face growing redder. Bianca let out a sweet little laugh.
This was embarrassing. Jusis lowered his head. This was going to end poorly no matter what! But what was more important? His priority should be - should have always been - acting as his birthright demanded. As a noble.
A noble should never be afraid to tell the truth.
He gripped onto Rean’s hand. “Excuse us, my Lord, my Lady. Rean and I were headed to dance, before you came over. I would hate to keep him waiting.”
Oh, how he relished the look on both father and daughter's faces as he swept Rean away from them. Despite the fear, despite the knowledge that this would cement him as out of the closet… it didn’t matter. It was worth it, he supposed, to get such a reaction. He continued to drag Rean until they were out in the midst of the dancers. Then he faced his friend, arranged his arms, one around Rean’s waist and the other holding his hand tightly. “Come. Let’s dance.”
He didn’t pause to give Rean time to argue. They swept around the floor, slowly at first, then picking up speed to the rhythm of the music. Rean was flushed as he stumbled along. He really couldn't’ dance! “What are you doing?”
“Dancing,” said Jusis. He glared out into the crowd and caught a glimpse of Bianca, surrounded by a gaggle of other young women. All were watching with wide eyes. Ha! They hadn’t seen anything yet.
When the music swelled, Jusis dipped Rean towards the floor. He ignored the small gasp from his friend, pulling him up in the next second, then twirling him around.
“Can we, ah, stop-“
“Just a moment.” He knew this song - it was almost over. Finale time. He pushed Rean out from him, then drew him back in until their chests almost touched. With a smirk, he darted forward and gave Rean a quick peck on the cheek.
Then he realized what he’d done.
Rean’s eyes were wide, his mouth agape, his body tense. Jusis just stared. In the depths of the crowd, a few girls began to giggle. The noise was like a severing blow. Rean snapped his hands out of Jusis’s grasp. He turned… he began to walk away…
“Wait!” Jusis called his name, stumbling after him. Out of the ballroom, past the lounge and dining room, weeding themselves through staring crowds. Rean darted onto a flight of stairs, taking them two at a time. It was all Jusis could do to keep up. They climbed until the sound of music was just a faint layer of unrecognizable birdsong.
Rean stopped and glanced around, unsure of where to run to next. Jusis paused only a moment to catch his breath, then grabbed hold of Rean’s jacket. “Wait, please…”
They couldn’t even turn their faces towards each other. Unsure of what to say, Jusis just tightened his grip and led Rean off. A door on the right stood ajar. He darted in, dragging Rean along with him. It was an office, set up for meeting clients, with a small balcony and a couch facing the desk. They collapsed onto it, before Jusis jumped back up and moved to a chair on the opposite side of the room.
He looked across at Rean. His gaze was not met.
What was he to say? That he was sorry, or that he was tipsy, that he couldn’t possibly be blamed for that last bit of indecent action? It wasn’t as if he’d been dry tonight, having made his way through four glasses of champagne. Would that excuse work? It was possibly true.
After all his pompous truth-telling, the thought of lying to Rean made his stomach churn.
He tugged on his collar with gloved fingers and felt no relief from the heat burning through him. Rean swirled his drink - somehow he’d forgotten to throw it at Jusis when he fled, had carried it thus far. His lavender eyes feigned distraction as they followed a lino petal that had fallen into the bubbly liquid.
Say something, Albarea. Somehow, the chastisement of his inner voice sounded a lot like Regnitz.
He cleared his throat. "I must apologize. You shouldn't have had to put up with... all that. And truly, I assure you I was merely playing the part..."
Rean didn't answer. Goddess, it was hot in here, and that familiar queasy feeling was creeping in. Jusis found his unoccupied hand fiddling with his cravat. “No one will remember it tomorrow. Half the people who saw - they will think it was the liquor fooling their eyes. Maybe the paper will print about it in the gossip column-”
Rean’s eyes darted to his, startled and wide as the plains out in Nord. Jusis’s head swirled. He’d had that same look down on the dance floor. Scared for his life. “But no one reads the gossip column, Rean. It’ll blow over in a week’s time. I promise.”
Silence regained its control over them. The two men’s eyes wandered the room, trying to find interest in a patterned rug, a china vase, some detail in wooden scrolling. Was it his imagination, or could he hear Rean’s heartbeat? Maybe not, maybe that was his own. The heat and the beat of his heart… he’d kissed Rean. All at once his body felt weak.
“I understand if you’re angry.” The quiet of his voice surprised him. Maybe Rean hadn’t heard.
“I’m not angry,” came the reply, equally quiet but also so gentle that it sounded like hurt, like vulnerability as raw as an open wound. Rean turned back to face him. Such honesty in this guy’s face. His lips were quirked in the ghost of a reassuring smile. “I could never be angry at you.”
Jusis twined his gloved fingers together and gripped tight. How to say what was needed now? “I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was foolish of me. I overreacted…” He glanced up to Rean, then down to the tips of his polished shoes.
A few unbearable moments of no talking, no words… just the heartbeat thump and the music drifting from downstairs. Rean stood. Jusis watched him, fear bobbing in his throat as he watched Rean move to the glass doors to the balcony. His hands hesitated on the knobs, but then with a small push he threw the doors open. A rush of chilly night air washed over the both of them. Jusis could already feel his mind clearing. Rean looked back. “Come on. There’s something I want to do.”
Push him off the balcony? Jusis frowned. No no no, that was ridiculous. He couldn’t be that mad. Still, he took his time standing and following Rean out into the night.
Everything seemed vastly different out in the open air. Blinking city lights, a gentle seaside breeze… he placed a hand on the railing and took a steadying breath. “I’m sorry. Again. And always. I understand you’re angry-”
“But I’m not mad at you.”
“You keep saying that. By now I’m not sure if you’re sincere, or just trying to convince yourself as well.”
Rean chuckled. “But I’m not. I swear on my father’s life - there, has that convinced you?” It hadn’t, and Rean seemed to know this. He ran his fingers through his dark hair. “I don’t know why this is so difficult.”
“Perhaps I shouldn’t have asked you to do this. It was entirely inappropriate of me.”
“I’m glad you did.” He turned towards Jusis, taking a single step closer. “Honestly, these kinds of parties are usually a pain in the ass. But I came because I wanted to spend time with you. And…”
He fell silent. Together they looked across the streets, over the city and towards the lapping ocean waves.
“Bianca,” Jusis hissed, half under his breath. “It just bothers me. All these old men think I should date their daughters. I don’t want… it just bothers me that I have so little agency in the choice.” He sighed. “Their daughters hold no interest for me. This is something I should have told you when I asked you to come along. But I’m… not into women.”
With those words a great weight lifted off his chest. It felt incredible, saying it out loud!
Before the panic could set in, Rean’s reply came, short and so sweet. “Same here.”
How ridiculous. Two good friends, standing out in the gentle seaside air, surrounded by winking lights and faint music. Jusis couldn’t help laughing. “What a matched pair we are. A couple of emotionally stunted fools who refuse to just say how we feel.”
Rean mirrored his laughter. Then he reached across to Jusis and cupped the side of his face in his hand. Sweaty palms. Slight trembling - no, the trembling was from Jusis.
A twinkle of light from a passing car sent sparks off in Rean’s eyes. He was so calm right now. Collected. An absolute monolith compared to Jusis, who felt his eyes already darting away, unable to see his friend so beautiful, so open to touch. He didn’t want Rean’s hand to move. The warmth on his cheek felt so intense, perhaps from his own flush, but at the same time it was comfortable. His eyelids fluttered closed. “What are you doing,” he finally managed, less of a question and more of a tender reprimand.
“Back on the dance floor… I wanted to talk to you. Remember?” He began to rub with his thumb, and Jusis let out a strangled noise (almost like a cat, he lamented, mewling for more contact).
Yet Rean would not relent. “The things I needed to say… What I wanted to tell you was how much fun I was having. It feels… natural. Being with you, and carrying on like we’re closer than we really are.” Jusis dared to glance up and Rean blushed, his smile fading as the light shifted. “Let’s just say there’s a lot I regret. After… after what happened with Crow. I wish I had said a lot of things, but I didn’t. And now that chance is dead too.”
Jusis opened his mouth to apologize. Again. I’m sorry about Crow. I’m sorry for asking you here, when you are still so hung up on a dead man - a dead friend. I’m no substitute for whatever was going on there.
“But Crow… I think I was so into him that I never looked around, you know? And even after… everything that happened… I didn’t know there was anything left over. So I didn’t want to date, I didn’t want to think about falling in love again…”
I always knew, deep inside my heart, that you loved him.
“But it was really stupid of me to not realize that I’d fallen again, in a small, quiet way. I’m sorry I didn’t realize sooner. I’ve missed seeing you so much, that seeing you tonight was… a bit overwhelming.”
Somewhere in the darkness of myself, I knew I loved you. It’s not something I ever wanted to think about. And now that I have, I fear I’m partial to this feeling...
None of these thoughts came out. He felt silly, standing there with mouth agape and unable to make words.
Rean nodded. As if he heard, as if he knew. Just by standing before him. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Jusis’s own, filling the unspoken with his own answer. Jusis froze, immediately. Because that was the way things were. It was a totally ridiculous reaction, after all that had been said (and unsaid), but Rean reacted the same, so why shouldn’t he? But he wouldn’t rush off, or make a scene.
He was a Lord. Duke Albarea. He knew better than to cause problems at parties.
And even more than that…
He returned the kiss. Timid, uncertain, his hands balling against Rean’s chest as his friend pulled them close together. Once the kiss had ended, Jusis pulled away enough to stare Rean down. “This is the champagne talking.”
“Goddess, I hope not.” Rean leaned forward to meet him again, this time nuzzling his face into Jusis’s hair. “Then again, if that’s the case, I’ll have to get use to these fancy parties.”