Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

" whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same "

                                                - emily bronte

Jeongguk was seven years old when he met his soulmate. They met over family dinner. His older brother, Jae-ho, had been talking for a whole week about how excited he was for his sleepover, for his new friend to come for dinner and how they were going to watch movies and play video games. Jeongguk had pouted, upset that he was going to be left out of all the fun. He had moped in his room, even past the time he heard two loud steps of footsteps on the stairs signaling the arrival of his older brother's friend. It wasn't until his mother called up to him that dinner was ready that Jeongguk had reluctantly put down his Power Rangers and made his way downstairs.

At first, he could only see the back of the stranger's head. It was a little messy, sticking up like he and Jae-ho had been playing together a little too rough before they had been called for dinner. Jeongguk could feel his bottom lip sticking out, feeling sore about being left out, but the smell of food stopped him from giving any of Jae-ho's friend his attention for a while, instead focusing on shoving as much food into his mouth as he could without choking, or worse, being scolded by his mother. The friend had a nice voice, though. Much nicer than Jae-ho's. Served him right, having a friend with a nicer voice than him, when he wouldn't let Jeongguk play with his new friend.

It was probably fifteen minutes into dinner that Jeongguk looked up and finally met eyes with Jae-ho's friend.

Jeongguk knew what soulmates were. He hadn't learned about them in school yet, you didn't have that class until you were older, but he knew his parents were soulmates. He had seen them depicted in movies and in the gross adult shows his parents sometimes watched after dinner. Thankfully, most of his favorite tv shows didn't involve soulmates at all. Mostly, they involved dinosaurs and also fighting bad guys. It was pretty cool.

But Jeongguk knew that when you met your soulmate, you locked eyes, and everything went weird. And then you had matching marks on you. Jeongguk didn't know that the marks appearing on your skin hurt . His parents hadn't explained that part at all. Jeongguk was caught off guard when his eyes met the boy's across the table's and his arm started to burn, as if he had accidentally turned the shower on too hot. He yelped, hand flying to a spot on his upper arm where the burn was the hottest, but his eyes didn't go away from the other boy's.

His eyes were very wide behind his glasses. Jeongguk wondered if his were wide too. He distantly heard his mother gasp, and finally tore his eyes away from the boy whose name he didn't even know to look at his mom. Her hand was covering her mouth, and she had tears in her eyes. Jeongguk really didn't like the idea of making his mom cry, even though he didn't think he had done anything wrong.

He didn't know your soulmate could be another boy, though.

He looked down at his arm, where a small section of a dark-colored mark was peeking out from under his sleeve. He moved his sleeve up, whining a little involuntarily as his fingers brushed still sensitive skin, to fully take in his soulmate mark. It was pretty. Dark green, like trees, mixed with a blue that reminded him of the river he and his family had gone to on vacation last year.

He poked at it, regretting it instantly. It hurt, and he felt himself wince. He looked up from his mark, eyes scanning around the table. Everyone was quiet. No one was eating. Jeongguk still didn't even know his soulmate's name.

He decided that he would be grown up because having a soulmate was very grown-up of him, and reached his hand across the table to shake. "Hi, I'm Jeongguk," he said, trying his best to put on a polite smile. He distantly heard his mother sniffle, but tried to keep his cool. He didn't know why his mom was crying, but he didn't want to make it worse by being a bad kid. Especially not to his soulmate.

His soulmate's lips twitched up into a smile, and he reached out and took Jeongguk's hand in his own. "Hi," he said, softly, voice shaking slightly as if he was shy, "I'm Namjoon."

Namjoon looked nice. He didn't seem upset that his soulmate was some kid he had never met, and he didn't seem like the type that would call Jeongguk a baby like some of Jae-ho's other friends did. On his arm, partly visible under his short sleeve, was a mark matching his own, except for the colors.

Namjoon's mark was a swirl of blue and purple, like the galaxy poster Jeongguk had on his wall that he had gotten in the planetarium gift shop. Jeongguk thought it was very pretty. He was about to say so, to let Namjoon know that he thought the mark matched his appearance very well, when he was interrupted by his mom's arms being thrown around him.

"Oh," he said, dropping Namjoon's hand, and wrapping both arms around his mother.

"Oh, Ggukie, baby, I can't believe it! You're so young! I'm so happy for you!" His mom was speaking through her tears, and Jeongguk relaxed slightly into her hold. He could handle happy tears. They still made him a little uncomfortable, and he awkwardly patted his mother's arm to try and comfort her the same way she would sometimes stroke his hair when he was sick to calm him down.

He looked anxiously around for his father because, really, comforting his mother was his father's job, not his, he was bad at it and his mom deserved much better, and found him with a hand on Namjoon's shoulder, saying something softly to the older boy that he couldn't hear. He moved his gaze to Jae-ho, because if his father was occupied, maybe his older brother could help instead, but without saying a word to him or anyone else, Jae-ho stood up abruptly from the table, knocking over his chair in the process, and stormed off.

Jeongguk had no idea what was going on, but when his eyes met Namjoon's over the kitchen table after his mother had released him to dart after his brother, Namjoon's eyes were still wide. Jeongguk didn't know if it was because of whatever Jeongguk's father had said to him or if it was caused by Jae-ho's reaction. However, the more he looked at Namjoon, the calmer he became.

He wondered, idly, as he poked at the dinner still on his plate with his fork, if Namjoon would want to play Power Rangers with him.

⋯

Jeongguk quickly started to think of Namjoon as his best friend. Jae-ho had been upset for a long time that one of his friends ended up Jeongguk's soulmate, so Namjoon didn't come over to his house very often, but Jeongguk's mom had contacted Namjoon's mom the night of the supposed-to-be-sleepover. Namjoon had gone home that night after Jae-ho had closed himself in his room, but Namjoon's mom had greeted Jeongguk warmly, with a hug and a smile, and told him he was welcome to their home anytime.

So Jeongguk went on playdates with his older soulmate, and those playdates often became a source of comfort for the younger boy. Going back to school after he had gotten his mark had been...weird. All of the girls, who previously mostly kept their distance from him, suddenly swarmed him at recess and cooed at his mark, running their fingers over it and asking a lot of questions Jeongguk didn't know the answer to. It was mostly uncomfortable, and it seemed to make the other boys wary of being around him as well. Jeongguk didn't know whether they had started to avoid him because of the attention from the girls or the mark on his arm, but neither option felt great since they were both completely out of his control.

So his playdates with Namjoon quickly became his favorite times of the week. Sometimes one of their parents would take them out on a trip together, to the beach or the park or sometimes even a museum, but mostly they spent their time together at Namjoon's house.

Jeongguk didn't mind staying in, because it was never dull. Namjoon did, in fact, like to play Power Rangers with him. He was cool about it, making up elaborate worlds and stories with Jeongguk to make their games more interesting.

As they got older, Namjoon started to introduce him to things beyond toys and games as well. Jeongguk's favorite thing Namjoon introduced him to was music. 

Of course, Jeongguk had heard music before. His parents played music in the car when they drove him and Jae-ho around, and he had seen idols performing on tv before. But music felt different when it was Namjoon who was showing it to him. Instead of just having music on as background noise, Namjoon would always really listen to what he was playing. He had Jeongguk start doing it too, every time he excitedly told Jeongguk he wanted to show him a new song. Jeongguk would lay on Namjoon's bed, close his eyes, and just listen. 

In a similar vein, Jeongguk also really enjoyed it when Namjoon read to him out loud. Jeongguk had never been a big reader himself. He much preferred movies and TV shows, but something about the way Namjoon read aloud made Jeongguk relax and get into the story in a way he couldn't if he was attempting to read the words off of the pages himself. Namjoon also had a pretty good taste in books, although sometimes Jeongguk's mind wandered at the more boring choices. That didn't bother Jeongguk, because it was sometimes nice to just relax in Namjoon's space.

The first time anything really changed in their relationship from the first time they met was on one of those nights, where eleven-year-old Jeongguk was lying on Namjoon's bed, eyes closed, mind wandering slightly as Joon read out loud from a book he had been enjoying in his spare time. Jeongguk wasn't as interested in this book. He didn't know why Joonie was wasting his time with this one.

Jeongguk's attention was drifting in and out of focusing on Joonie's actual words, but all at once, his attention was fully on the older boy and the book he was reading. Jeongguk opened his eyes, staring at Namjoon, who continued to dutifully read, not lifting his eyes from the pages. The only indication Jeongguk had that Joon knew what he was saying was the pink that had started to tint his cheeks and the way his speed had picked up at the first mention of the word kissing.

Namjoon was reading a kissing scene. Jeongguk tried to act mature around Namjoon usually, at least as mature as Namjoon was which wasn't always very mature at all, but he couldn't help the way his nose wrinkled at the words. Namjoon, who must have been keeping an eye on him for his reaction somehow, immediately stopped reading. "Sorry," he muttered, reaching out for a bookmark to mark his spot and closing the book.

 "You don't have to stop," Jeongguk said quickly, not wanting Namjoon to feel embarrassed. "It's just...well, kissing is gross, right?" he asked, looking to the older boy for support. Instead of responding, Joon just blushed harder. Jeongguk stared at him, his eyes getting wider every second that Joon didn't respond.

 Finally, Joon cleared his throat and ducked his head, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously. "It's not so bad," he said softly, and Jeongguk froze completely in place. That sounded like Namjoon knew from experience. That sounded like…

 "Have you been kissing? " Jeongguk blurted out, sounding scandalized.

 Joon made a soft embarrassed noise, finally looking up to look at Jeongguk. His eyes clearly gave away how uncomfortable he was in the situation. "Not, like, a lot!" he said, voice sounding a little defensive. "There's this girl at school though, and she likes me, and… well, it's not bad, Jeongguk! I'm fourteen! Lots of fourteen years old have been kissed!"

 Jeongguk was skeptical about this. He didn't know why the realization that Joon had been kissed, had maybe been kissed more than once, was making him feel so uncomfortable. He knew Jae-ho had already had a girlfriend, he had gotten one last year and he hadn't been allowed to ride in the car when his mom took Jae-ho and his girlfriend to the movies, but that was different.

 Jae-ho was his older brother. Older brothers got girlfriends sometimes. Namjoon was his soulmate. Jeongguk didn't think soulmates were supposed to get girlfriends.

 But what was the alternative? Jeongguk certainly didn't want to kiss Namjoon. Kissing was gross, no matter what Namjoon said. Joon might have been very smart, but he was also very stupid about some important things that Jeongguk had actually figured out years ago. It seemed unfair to tell Joon he couldn't kiss a pretty girl at his school if he wanted to.

 While Jeongguk was stuck in his thoughts, mind whirling with the realization that Namjoon was a person who kissed and who was kissed and, honestly, the difference in their ages never really felt as wide as it did then. He must have been absent-mindedly running his hand over his arm, over his mark, which he was made aware of when Namjoon moved closer and placed a hand over his own to get it to stop.

"I'm sorry," Namjoon said softly, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

 Jeongguk thought about it for a second longer and then shook his head. "We can talk about it if you want, hyung. I'll be starting middle school soon, and I'm sure I'll understand better then." He nodded his head, trying to sound firm and sure of his decision, but he must not have succeeded as well as he'd hoped as Namjoon let out a small breathy laugh at his words.

 Namjoon removed his hand from Jeongguk's skin, going back to his spot at his desk chair.  "There's not really much to talk about, Ggukie," Namjoon replied, getting comfortable in his seat again, "but I'll keep that in mind." Instead of reading again, Namjoon swiveled in his chair to start up his computer, instead saying he wanted to show Jeongguk some new underground rappers he had found.

 Jeongguk nodded along, trying his best to truly listen like he knew Namjoon would want him to, but his mind was still trying to settle. Jeongguk didn't know if he was relieved at the fact that Namjoon had told him there wasn't anything to talk about, disappointed at the way he implied there might be in the future, or a mix of both with a dollop of confusion on top due to the way the skin of his hand still felt a little weird from the place Namjoon had touched.

⋯

Starting middle school didn't make Jeongguk understand Namjoon wanting to kiss girls much better. In fact, Jeongguk might be the only one in his whole class that didn't suddenly understand the urge to kiss girls. It seemed like overnight, the conversation went from things Jeongguk still found interesting, like action movies and anime, to things Jeongguk was very...not interested in, like girls and, unfortunately, kissing.

 It wasn't that he still thought the entire concept of kissing was gross. As he grew older, he grew out of that mindset, feeling a little embarrassed whenever he looked back at the way he had reacted to Namjoon's revelation. He still just...didn't understand it, though. By the time he was thirteen, almost ready to graduate middle school, he thought he was supposed to have these things figured out by now.

  Namjoon had when he was his age. He had told him so himself, admitting rather awkwardly one day when pressed that he had gone on his first date when he was barely in eighth grade at all. Jeongguk had never gone on a date. No one had ever asked him, although Joon told him that was normal. "You're marked," he had said one night as they both stretched out on Jeongguk's bed, some anime episode Jeongguk had seen three times before playing in the background. "Girls probably think you're taken. You should talk to them first."

 "Is that what happened to you?" Jeongguk had asked, feeling a wash of that same dread-filled curiosity that always seemed to overwhelm him when talking to Namjoon about this kind of stuff.

 "Kind of," Joon said, running his own fingers gently up and down his mark. Jeongguk still thought Namjoon's mark was beautiful, but he had grown more and more partial to his own as he had gotten older. The colors on his skin had been a pleasant combination at first glance, when he hadn't even known Namjoon's name, but as they got older and got closer, Jeongguk could see why they were supposed to represent the older boy. Both the mark on his arm and his soulmate radiated something that just...made Jeongguk feel calm. Almost always. Except for situations like this. "A girl asked me if I had a girlfriend because I had a mark. I explained what happened and she...spread it to the school for me? It didn't feel like a favor at the time, but more girls were willing to talk to me after finding out my soulmate was still in elementary school." At that, Namjoon moved so he was looking at Jeongguk, a sheepish look on his face. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like…"

 Jeongguk waved his apology off, though. He understood. Soulmates were supposed to be romantic, were supposed to be your perfect match, but no one good person would be able to look at Jeongguk in elementary school and think he was a good romantic partner. He had been just a kid. Truthfully, Jeongguk still didn't get how he was supposed to get someone to look at him and consider him as a romantic partner now , or if he even wanted them to.

 He had tried talking to girls after the talk with Namjoon, though. There was a nice girl in his science class who didn't laugh when some of the meaner kids picked on others, who smelled like lavender and had a cool phone case. He didn't think he was attracted to her, but then again, he wasn't sure what attraction was meant to feel like. Maybe it was something you grew into. So he tried.

 Her name was Jiwoo and Jeongguk never felt drained after talking to her, not like he did with some of the other kids in the school. They had similar interests and Jiwoo didn't seem to mind him talking about how interesting he thought it would be to be a movie director one day, as long as he listened dutifully when she talked about how she wanted to own her own cat cafe in Seoul one day. They started eating lunch together almost every day and soon enough Jiwoo had asked him if he would like to go to a movie with her.

  Jeongguk's parents had been a bit skeptical when he first asked them for permission. "I don't know, Kookie, you're still kind of young…" his mom had started, which made Jeongguk frown.

"Are you sure you want to start dating?" his dad had asked, before getting straight to the point. "I mean, you've already found your soulmate."

Jeongguk blushed at this, turning his gaze to the ground. "That's different," he said, voice soft. Looking up to his parents, swallowing a little to feel braver, he added, "Namjoon-hyung dates. He's even had a girlfriend! We both said it's fine to date."

Jeongguk's mom and dad exchanged a look, a look that seemed to hold something like...pity, maybe, although the thought didn't make Jeongguk feel nice, before agreeing to let him go on his date with Jiwoo. Jeongguk almost wished they had actually said no.

He had hoped he wasn't setting the date up to go badly by thinking that way so early, but in the end, it went...fine. Jiwoo's mom was the one that took them to the movies and she didn't seem like she wanted to murder Jeongguk for getting near her daughter as they sat together in the backseat, so it was a fine start. Jiwoo had let Jeongguk pick the movie, knowing that he loved them so much, but Namjoon had told him he couldn't pick an action movie or a horror movie, so he had settled on a comedy that was...fine.

 And when Jiwoo shyly leaned in and kissed him at the end of the night, before her mom came to get them, that had been fine as well. He hadn't hated it, but he was disappointed that he still didn't get it . He had gone home and laid in bed for hours beyond the time he should have fallen asleep, trying to figure out why he felt like something was wrong with him.

 It wasn't the idea of kissing being gross, he had already established that for himself. The kiss hadn't been gross at all. It just felt...like pressing his lips against someone else's. A little awkward, a little warm, mostly something he didn't think he would seek out again. After remaining restless for far too long, Jeongguk snuck out of his room and into the living room, trying to stay as quiet as he could while booting up the family computer.

 Once the search engine was pulled up, Jeongguk stared at it blankly, trying to decide how to word what he wanted to say. Finally, he settled on, "Why don't I like kissing girls?" The search engine wasn't...super helpful. After scrolling through a few links telling him why he was actually a bad kisser, which seemed fair as he had only kissed someone once, but also seemed like it didn't explain everything else, he stumbled across a link that seemed...maybe a little more helpful.

  "How to tell if you're asexual," the website started, and Jeongguk had never read the word before but decided it was worth reading about. As he skimmed the page, he caught himself absentmindedly rubbing at his mark through his pajama sleeve. Asexuality was interesting, something he had no idea you could be, but for some reason, it still didn't feel right.

 Jeongguk thought he might like the idea of falling in love if he sat back and looked at it purely removed from the girls he actually knew, and he wanted to enjoy kissing. He just didn't know how to make himself interested. As he continued to read, however, something stood out to him. Part of the website read, "Not being attracted to one gender doesn't automatically mean you're asexual. If you've never considered yourself with other genders, give it some thought before deciding on a specific label."

Jeongguk didn't know why he hadn't thought of it before. It was like a lightbulb had turned on above his head. Maybe he wasn't attracted to girls because...well, maybe he wasn't supposed to be. Jeongguk didn't know how he felt about the realization, but the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. After all, his soulmate was a man, right? That...probably meant something, although Namjoon's soulmate was also a man and he still liked to kiss girls.

Jeongguk cleared the search history carefully and crept back to his room, settling down on his bed and closing his eyes, trying to picture the situation he had been in earlier with Jiwoo, but with another boy in her place. However, he kept getting stuck on the same issue as he did when he tried this with girls: he didn't really want to kiss any of the boys in his grade either.

Jeongguk started to get a bit frustrated with himself, wondering why he couldn't just make this easy and figure it out tonight.

Finally giving in to the idea that no solid answers would appear to him that night, Jeongguk finally covered his head with a pillow and tried his hardest to clear his mind and get what little sleep he could, thankful that the next day was a Saturday. He ended up sleeping almost to noon, his mom coming in to shake him awake and fuss over him, using the back of her hand to see if his forehead was warm. "I don't want you going over to Namjoon's and getting him sick if you're not feeling well," she said, as Jeongguk tried to assure her he felt fine, just tired. He had forgotten he was supposed to be going over to Joon's to hang out, and the reminder actually did wonders for making him feel awake.

Reluctantly, after using an actual thermometer on him and determining he wasn't running a fever, Jeongguk's mom let him loose. He rode his bike to Namjoon's, not wanting to deal with his mom's continued questioning over his unusual sleep schedule, and let himself into the house with the key hidden under a potted plant that Namjoon's mom had told him about years ago.

Jeongguk said a quick hello to Namjoon's parents as he passed them by on his way to Namjoon's room, not bothering to knock before entering. Namjoon was with a boy. Namjoon was kissing a boy. Jeongguk froze, sputtering out an apology before ducking outside Namjoon's door and closing it quickly. He stood there, staring at the door, wondering what exactly he had walked in on, and who the boy was, and if Namjoon had forgotten Jeongguk was over and if he could be upset at Namjoon for forgetting when Jeongguk had technically forgotten too, but this was different because Jeongguk wouldn't ever forget about him because of some other guy .

Jeongguk didn't know why he was so upset. He debated turning around and walking away, going home and crying in his bed, but before he could get the nerve to do so, Namjoon's door reopened. Namjoon was standing there, hair a mess, eyes wide, and already apologizing before the door had even fully opened. "Kookie, I'm so sorry, I thought you were coming over later, I didn't stop to think about...I guess I just didn't stop to think, God, I swear I didn't forget you were coming over, I wanted to introduce you two, I promise," Joon was still babbling on, and oddly Jeongguk didn't feel himself relaxing at Joon's promise that he hadn't been forgotten about. Instead, he stood on his tiptoes to look over Joon's shoulder to the boy who was still sitting on Namjoon's bed, as if nothing had happened, as if that was his spot and not Jeongguk's , as if kissing Namjoon was not a big deal , when Jeongguk had a feeling kissing Namjoon would be a very big deal maybe even the biggest deal and---

Oh.

Oh no.

What a time to have the realization he had been trying to achieve all night. Jeongguk wasn't attracted to girls. He also clearly wasn't attracted to most boys.

But he was, he was pretty sure, attracted to Namjoon.

Who had been kissing this other boy.

"Hi," the boy on the bed said, clearly putting two and two together and realizing that Jeongguk was not paying attention to a word that was coming out of Joon's mouth. The boy speaking made Joon stop talking, turning to look back at him. Jeongguk hated the fact that he was close enough to see the small flush on Joon's cheeks. "It's nice to meet you, Jeongguk-ssi. I'm Yoongi."

⋯

Jeongguk wanted to hate Yoongi, after his unfortunate revelation that he had a massive crush on his soulmate. Could it be considered a crush when the person you were attracted to had already been deemed your perfect match by some higher power or the laws of the universe or whatever? Jeongguk didn't know, but he figured he could use the word and whine and mope about it (privately, to himself, in the safety of his own bedroom) when said soulmate had a boyfriend.

A cool, older boyfriend that never treated Jeongguk like a third wheel or even someone to consider a threat, despite the fact that Namjoon wore Jeongguk's mark on his arm, not Yoongi's. It never seemed to bother Yoongi, being friends with his boyfriend's soulmate. In fact, sometimes Yoongi sided with Jeongguk over Namjoon himself, and sometimes even let him ride shotgun when they went places together in Yoongi's car.

So Jeongguk wanted to hate Yoongi for the simple fact that he was Namjoon's cool, older boyfriend but he found he simply...couldn't. He liked Yoongi's company. He liked the way that Yoongi pushed him and Namjoon both out of their comfort zone, like the time he had showed up at Namjoon's with bleach and told them he needed their help to bleach his hair. Joon had ended up doing it too, without telling his parents, and the Kims' reaction when the three boys eventually wandered downstairs for dinner and two of them were blonde were amazing to watch unfold. Possibly only because no one was mad at him, because he had kept his hair natural, worried about his own parents' reaction, but still.

He liked listening to Yoongi and Namjoon talk about music and he liked watching them work on music together even more. The two of them seemed to understand each other when it came to music in a way that Jeongguk didn't relate to. It wasn't that Jeongguk didn't love music. Growing up with Namjoon as a soulmate, it would have been hard for him not to. But as he got older, Jeongguk gravitated mainly towards pop ballads, songs about love and songs that made him want to dance. Once he had discovered Troye Sivan, he had barely listened to anyone else for months. Namjoon and Yoongi, on the other hand, loved rap with a passion that Jeongguk was in awe of. They were good at it, too.

Jeongguk felt a little honored to be the first fan of both of them.

After the disastrous first meet, Namjoon was careful with scheduling, careful to make sure that he and Yoongi didn't display too much affection when Jeongguk was around, and in return Jeongguk started knocking on Namjoon's door when he came over. Just in case. He liked Yoongi, he truly did, but he thought there was probably only so much his heart could take.

Namjoon was genuinely happy that his boyfriend and Jeongguk got along, always claimed he was never happier than when he was with the two of them, and the idea of Namjoon being happy also brought Jeongguk happiness. 

When Jeongguk eventually graduated middle school and joined Namjoon and Yoongi in high school, their friendship also scored him something he hadn't been expecting. It was cool for Jeongguk to be a freshman with upperclassmen friends, and the fact that Yoongi could look quite intimidating with his bleached hair and preference for leather jackets meant that no one even dreamed of picking on Jeongguk at school.

No one seemed to put together that Jeongguk and Namjoon's marks were a match, either, but Jeongguk didn't know if that one was a relief or a disappointment.

Namjoon and Yoongi had been dating for a full year when Yoongi messaged Jeongguk one night and asked if they could hang out.

jk: sure, at joonie hyungs?

yoongi: i'll come pick you up. just us
tonight, if that's cool?

Jeongguk had no idea why Yoongi would want to spend time with just him, even after knowing each other for a year they still only hung out alone when they were waiting for Namjoon to arrive. However, he was too curious to turn it down, instead shooting back a quick confirmation.

When Yoongi pulled up outside he sent Jeongguk a text, and Jeongguk quickly stood up from where he had been watching a soap opera with his mom to calm his nerves, kissing her briefly on the cheek and shouting he'd be home by curfew as he darted outside.

Yoongi was listening to music quite loudly when Jeongguk slid into the car and didn't bother to turn it down, instead nodding his hello. Jeongguk knew better than to try and talk over it. He waited instead, throwing his head back against the headrest and closing his eyes, taking it in as best he could.

His eyes were still closed when Yoongi eventually turned the music down and said, "Dinner's on me. Where do you want to go?"

Jeongguk opened his eyes to look at Yoongi in shock before narrowing them suspiciously. "...Why?" he asked, but Yoongi didn't bother answering him, instead just raising his eyebrow as if to tell Jeongguk he didn't have all day. Jeongguk eventually decided on a restaurant, deciding to test Yoongi's gratitude by suggesting an all you can eat buffet, but Yoongi took the suggestion without word, instead starting to navigate them there.

It wasn't until after Jeongguk had loaded up his plate and sat down across from Yoongi to start shoving food in his face that Yoongi actually dropped what he had been wanting to talk about.

"I'm going to break up with Joon-ah," he said, casually, like it wasn't a bombshell. Jeongguk struggled not to choke on the meat he was eating.

"What?" he rasped, after swallowing and taking a grasp of water. "Hyung, you can't, he'll be so sad!" Jeongguk didn't know why Yoongi was telling him this, didn't know if maybe Yoongi was testing him to see if he secretly wanted Yoongi out of the picture, or if there was some other hidden agenda but all he could think about was how sad Joonie would be if Yoongi ended their relationship.

Jeongguk may have fallen for Joon himself, but that didn't mean he would be happy with him getting his heart broken.

"I'm going to college soon," Yoongi said, acting as though Jeongguk hadn't said anything. "Namjoon is going to be here for another year. Besides, it's not like either of us expected this to last forever."

Jeongguk frowned at that, stabbing something on his plate a little harder than necessary. "What do you mean? Why wouldn't you want it to?"

Yoongi watched him, putting his food down to focus on Jeongguk and their conversation. "I never said I didn't want it to. I said we both knew it wouldn't. Think about why, Jeonggukie, and I bet it'll come to you."

Jeongguk tried to think about it, tried to rationalize why Yoongi would throw away his relationship with Joon over something small like long distance, but nothing was coming to mind that would make it make sense. Jeongguk couldn't ever imagine leaving Joon behind. Jeongguk sometimes had nightmares about the fact that Joon was going to graduate soon and almost certainly go off to college in Seoul, leaving Jeongguk behind, so he couldn't even begin to imagine being able to leave with no remorse.

Yoongi sighed, clearly figuring out that Jeongguk was not going to put it together himself. "We're not soulmates, Jeongguk. It wouldn't last because we're not soulmates. If he was unmarked too, we could pretend that maybe we'd just never find our soulmates and it would work, but he's not. You're not."

Jeongguk felt like he had physically gone pale. "Wait, but," he said, eyes wide as he looked at Yoongi, "you can't break up because of me. I don't mind that you're dating! I've been good!" he said, realizing a little too late that he had given himself away a bit with his wording.

Yoongi, shockingly, just smiled at him. "You have been good. Ggukie, you are good. You didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing wrong with being in love with your soulmate. That's just how things are supposed to be."

Jeongguk went from pale to flushed quicker than what felt like should be physically possible. "I'm not-- I. I never said," he stuttered, and then a bit more panicked, "does he know?"

Yoongi actually laughed at Jeongguk's reaction, and Jeongguk couldn't help the pout that formed on his face at that. He knew, logically, that Yoongi wasn't laughing at him, but, well… his feelings were a bit fragile right now. "No, I don't think Joon knows. He's not the most observant boy in the world, Jeonggukie. But he knows you're his soulmate. Even if there's nothing there yet, even if you're both too young right now, he's not stupid. He never lied to me and said that we were forever."

Jeongguk felt like he had just been put through an emotional rollercoaster. "So…" he said softly, after a moment's pause, "do you think that means he won't be sad?"

Yoongi frowned now, the first negative emotion he had shown since he had picked Jeongguk up earlier that night. "No. I don't think he won't be sad. I think we're both going to be sad. That's why I'm telling you first. I need you to promise me that when he's sad, you'll take care of him, okay?"

Jeongguk didn't hesitate to agree.

And Namjoon was sad. Yoongi texted him after The Break Up happened, saying he was leaving Joon's and that Jeongguk should go over if he can. It was a little later than his parents normally allowed him to go, but he explained the situation with a small sense of urgency, and after only a little pleading from Jeongguk, they let him go.

He didn't bother to knock on Namjoon's bedroom when he got there. He didn't have to worry about walking in on anything. Instead, Joon was curled up in his bed, lights out and music blaring. From far away Jeongguk couldn't see if he was crying, couldn't hear any noises he might be making over the music, but he saw Joon sit up and look at him, see who had slipped inside his room.

Joon let out a small noise, a quiet, "Ggukie," and that was all Jeongguk needed to hear before moving to Joon's bed and wrapping his arms around the taller boy. It was a little awkward, holding someone much taller than him, but he shifted until he was comfortable enough that he could stay there all night without complaint, just holding Namjoon while the other boy cried at his loss. Jeongguk alternated between rubbing his back and running fingers through his hair, not knowing what to say as he had never felt heartbreak like what he imagined Joon must be feeling, and knowing Joon would probably prefer the comfort of the music anyway.

He stayed with Joon until he fell to sleep, Jeongguk's fingers in his hair. Jeongguk knew he would be fine to go home, that Joon wouldn't blame him for sneaking out now that he was asleep, but for some reason, Jeongguk couldn't drag himself away. Instead, he sent a text to his parents apologizing and saying he would go to school with Joon in the morning, put his phone down on Joon's bedside table, and tightened his arms around Joon before falling to sleep himself.

  ⋯

Thankfully, Yoongi and Joon stayed friends. Jeongguk didn't know what he would have done if he had to choose between being on Joon's side and saying goodbye to Yoongi before he moved away to college, but Namjoon scoffed at the idea of not attending Yoongi's graduation. "Are you kidding?" he asked, wrapping an arm around Jeongguk's shoulder, "We'll be the loudest ones sending him off. He'll be embarrassed by us. That's my revenge."

Namjoon was a little bit evil when he wanted to be, Jeongguk thought idly.

A fter things with Yoongi, spending time with Namjoon felt different. Jeongguk didn't know if he was reading into things because someone else knew his secret or because Namjoon had been burned by the breakup, but it felt like Namjoon barely wanted to let Jeongguk out of his sight his last year in school.

Which made the thought of Namjoon leaving much scarier. On Namjoon's birthday, right at the beginning of Namjoon's senior year, Jeongguk actually cried. Privately, in Namjoon's bathroom, so that Namjoon wouldn't find out and spend his birthday coddling Jeongguk or promising that his going away wouldn't end their friendship. It was Joon's day, and Joon should be happy.

When he dried his tears and snuck back out to the party, hoping Namjoon hadn't noticed his disappearance, he saw Joon laughing with one of his senior friends and stood off to the side for a minute to watch them. Joon's bleached hair had grown out, now it was a soft looking brown color that was long enough to fall in his face when he ducked his head, and Jeongguk fought back the urge to want to run his hands through it.

Yoongi had told him that Namjoon didn't see him that way yet. He was still too young, Yoongi had said. Jeongguk really hoped Yoongi was right and it was only a matter of time. Namjoon eventually noticed him watching and his smile lit up, gesturing Jeongguk to come closer. Jeongguk did so, and immediately Namjoon had an arm around his shoulders, tugging him closer into his side. "Jeonggukie," Namjoon said, his smile showcasing his dimples, "I was worried you'd gone home."

So his absence had been noticed. Jeongguk tried not to wince. "And leave the birthday boy? Not a chance, hyung," Jeongguk replied, finding it hard not to return Joon's endearing smile.

And that became the theme of Namjoon's entire senior year. Whenever the two were able to be together, they were, and Namjoon often seemed more content with staying in with Jeongguk than the idea of going out with any of his now-adult friends. "I'll have time for going out when I go to college," he told Jeongguk one day in response to Jeongguk worrying aloud about if he was boring Joon. "What I won't have is you."

Jeongguk had flushed at Namjoon's words and tried to bury his face in Namjoon's pillow before Namjoon caught on. He had a sneaking suspicion it hadn't worked. For as much time as they spent together, however, nothing changed. Most of their time was spent watching tv, listening to music, and Jeongguk often had Joon help him with his homework because it turned out that his soulmate was basically an actual genius while Jeongguk was struggling to pass English.

Jeongguk doesn't know what came over him the first time he asked Namjoon to read to him while they hung out doing nothing in Namjoon's bed, at the beginning of the new year. They had fallen out of that practice shortly after it had caused their first truly awkward moment around each other back when Jeongguk was still in elementary school. Namjoon looked up from his spot on the floor where he had been reading quietly to himself while Jeongguk had been messing around on his phone. "What?" he asked, a small crease of confusion appearing on his forehead.

Jeongguk fought back the embarrassment that wanted to overwhelm him, instead standing firm in his request. "Will you read to me? You haven't done it in a long time, but it was always really relaxing." Joon had studied him for a minute, maybe trying to see if he was being genuine, before clearing his throat and starting to read the book he already had in his hands out loud.

Jeongguk didn't have context, but he was glad Namjoon seemed to understand he didn't necessarily need it, as long as he had Namjoon's voice.

It became a habit of theirs again, when they had nothing better to do, when they knew they were going to spend their time lazing around in their own separate worlds in a shared space otherwise, Namjoon would pick up a different book each time and start to read. They started to inch closer and closer to each other as time went on and the reading continued.

By the time Namjoon was close to graduating, they had wound up curled up close together on Namjoon's bed while Namjoon read to him. They had a small distance between them, no part of them touching, but it still felt like Jeongguk could physically feel Namjoon's presence.

Jeongguk didn't know what came over him and gave him the bravery to close the gap between them, to actually physically reach out to Namjoon and lace their fingers together, but the first time he did so he swore he felt an actual jolt of electricity pass through Namjoon's palm into his own.

Namjoon had stopped reading only briefly, glancing down to their conjoined hands and back up to Jeongguk's face, before a small smile crossed his lips and he started to read again, his hand gently squeezing Jeongguk's own. Their hands stayed intertwined for the rest of the night, and when Jeongguk eventually had to untangle them and peel himself out of Namjoon's bed to go home so he didn't miss curfew, he found himself scowling at the ceiling.

"Hey," Namjoon said, laughter in his voice, "I'll see you tomorrow, Kook. I'm not gone yet."

The "yet" was the problem. It was lingering in Jeongguk's mind constantly, a countdown to the day that Namjoon was going to pack up and move to another city. He knew they would still see each other, over breaks and holidays, but the idea that Namjoon was going to go somewhere Jeongguk wouldn't be able to follow for two whole years was enough to set his stomach queasy every time he thought about it.

Mostly he and Namjoon ignored the situation, with Namjoon being able to read Jeongguk's mood souring anytime it was casually brought up, but Jeongguk couldn't fool himself into just pretending it wasn't happening. His time with Namjoon was growing shorter and shorter with each passing day.

The part that hurt the most about it was that the shorter their time together became, the closer they got physically. The night of Namjoon's graduation, after the family dinner Jeongguk had been invited to, he and Joon curled together in bed, one of their few sleepovers since Namjoon and Yoongi had broken up.

Somewhere along the way sleepovers had started to feel intimate in a way they never had before.

Now, instead of Jeongguk in a sleeping bag on the floor like when they were children or passed out haphazardly on different ends of the bed, they were actually sleeping together, the same way they had the night Jeongguk had stayed over to comfort Namjoon. Only, this time, Namjoon was the one holding Jeongguk, and it felt good and right in a way that made Jeongguk's heartache. He could rest his head on Namjoon's chest, listen to his heartbeat in the quiet, and even though both Jeongguk and Namjoon were usually pretty awkward boys, it simply felt calm.

"When do you leave?" Jeongguk asked, voice quiet in the stillness of the room.

"A month before your birthday," Namjoon whispered back, reaching a hand up to casually brush hair out of Jeongguk's eyes. Jeongguk was growing his hair out, and he wouldn't admit that it was partially because of the fact that Namjoon didn't seem to have any issues running his fingers gently through Jeongguk's hair almost every time he pushed it out of his face.

"That's a shitty birthday present," Jeongguk replied, letting out a small huff of dissatisfaction at the answer.

Namjoon smiled, his fingers continuing to pet Jeongguk's hair absently. "I'll try and come back for your birthday. I'll spend the weekend. Maybe we can figure something out so you can come to Seoul and stay with me for the weekend of mine. We'll figure it out, Kookie." The way he said it sounded so sure, it actually made Jeongguk relax. The way Namjoon said it made it sound like a promise.

That promise was the only thing that kept Jeongguk from breaking down in tears the week before Namjoon was set to go, as he spent almost twenty-four hours with the older boy, watching him pack his room and his life away in preparation for leaving. That promise was the only thing stopping him from trying to fit himself into one of Namjoon's suitcases[1] [2] , open on his bed as the older boy complained that Jeongguk wasn't helping him pack.

The boys' last sleepover was the night before Namjoon was set to leave. His parents were driving him to school and they were leaving the next morning at six, too early for a proper goodbye, so Jeongguk had declared that he was staying the night, ready to argue to get his way despite his usual good manners. However, no one denied him. Instead, Namjoon's mom had kissed his hair, like his own mom did, making Jeongguk blush, and said, "No one assumed otherwise, dear."

Namjoon had laughed at that, as Jeongguk tried to hide his scowl, and everything had proceeded on like any other sleepover. Almost like everything was normal.

Until they got to Namjoon's room. Everything was packed away now, almost everything already in the car for the early morning departure, and Jeongguk couldn't help but scowl as he looked around the room. Namjoon wasn't taking everything he owned to college, that would be silly, it still felt like Namjoon's room, but like there was just enough missing that it didn't feel right. Joon's favorites books were off his bookshelves, his computer was packed away, the closet looked empty with so many clothes missing, and the only thing remaining on the walls were the posters that Joon had deemed too childish to want to take with him.

One of the remaining posters was a poster full of different dinosaur fossils that Jeongguk had said was cool on one of their trips together to a museum back in elementary school. Jeongguk stared at the poster a little longer than he should, trying to block out tears and the idea that Namjoon leaving the poster behind was a symbol of Namjoon leaving their friendship behind.

Jeongguk didn't even like dinosaurs that much anymore either.

...Okay, well, maybe raptors were still cool. Fine. Whatever.

"Kook-ah," Namjoon said, voice gentle. Jeongguk forced himself to look away from the poster and look at Namjoon instead. "If you want me to take it with me, I will."

Jeongguk really hoped Namjoon hadn't been able to start reading his mind. "No, it's fine, hyung. I had basically forgotten about it, really," he said, trying to sound casual.

Namjoon moved closer to him, and suddenly he was in Jeongguk's personal space. That wasn't too weird nowadays, they had gotten comfortable being close to one another, had grown used to hugs and hair ruffles and even a forehead kiss on Namjoon's birthday. However, this felt different. Namjoon was standing close, closer than normal, but wasn't reaching out to pull Kookie into a hug. He was just...standing in Jeongguk's space.

"Kook-ah," he repeated again, voice still gentle, face soft as he looked down at Jeongguk.

Jeongguk couldn't help the blush that was rising on his cheeks. "What?" he asked, meeting Joon's eyes, trying to keep his gaze strong, to act like this was casual.

He almost had it together, when Namjoon reached out to cup his cheek. Jeongguk melted into the touch, eyes fluttering closed almost embarrassingly quickly. Joon huffed out a small laugh through his nose, but it only sounded fond. "Can I give you a going-away present?"

Jeongguk opened his eyes at that, squinting them a bit in confusion. "Why would you give me a present? You're the one going away," Jeongguk asked, and then froze in horror. "Oh no, I didn't get you a going-away present. I didn't even think about it! I'm sorry, hyung, I can...I can run to the store now and--"

"Kook-ah," Namjoon cut him off, a real laugh escaping now. "You don't have to get me a going-away present. I didn't get you anything either."

Jeongguk was even more confused now, frowning up at Namjoon who still had not removed his hand from Kook's cheek. "What do you mean? You just said you were going to give me--"

"Jeon Jeongguk," Namjoon interrupted again, a wide grin on his face now, "can I kiss you?"

Jeongguk had not been expecting that. He had not been expecting that so hard that he almost choked on his own saliva at Namjoon's words, starting a coughing fit instead of a response. Namjoon quickly moved to hold Jeongguk steady, the grin on his face only growing wider and Jeongguk's reaction. "What?" Jeongguk gasped out once he finally caught his breath.

"I want to kiss you before I go. I know it can't mean anything just yet. It would be stupid to start something now. You wouldn't want to spend your time in high school only focusing on a dumb boy across the country, but I think I would regret it if I left before I got to be your first kiss."

Namjoon's last words snapped Jeongguk out of the daze he had been in since Namjoon's first question, and he wondered if it was possible to turn even pinker. He had completely forgotten to tell Namjoon about the kiss with Jiwoo years ago, because he had been... distracted by meeting Yoongi.

"Um, hyung," Jeongguk said, hesitantly, which made Namjoon pause and look at him with a little concern. "I mean, yes, you can definitely kiss me, but I, uh. I forgot to tell you something."

Namjoon let Jeongguk explain himself before throwing his head back and laughing. "I'm sorry, Jeongguk, that was terrible of me," he said through his laughter. "I really should have locked my fucking door."

"No, no, it's fine! I should have asked before I came over," Jeongguk responded, not wanting Namjoon to think he was still hung up on walking in on Namjoon and his ex. "I just. You know. I was flustered, I forgot to tell you when everything calmed down. It didn't mean anything though! I told her in school on Monday I thought we should be just friends and she didn't mind at all! We're still friends, even!"

Namjoon shook his head, reaching back out to wrap a hand around Jeongguk's neck. "Kookie, I don't care if you kissed someone else. I mean, I would be hypocritical if I did. I can't say I'm not a little proud to be your first kiss that means something though."

Jeongguk scowled at him, reaching out and shoving lightly at his shoulder, not enough to displace Namjoon's hand from his skin, but enough to make Namjoon laugh again. "Kook-ah, I'm going to kiss you now," he said, smiling down at Kookie.

"Yeah, okay," Jeongguk replied, and so Namjoon did.

Jeongguk suddenly got why everyone else was so strung up about kissing all the time. His kiss with Jiwoo had been nothing in comparison to the way his heart fluttered and his skin tingled as Namjoon connected their lips.

It was a brief kiss, a proper first kiss, the one Jeongguk was going to pretend in his head from now on had been his true first kiss, but soon after they parted, Jeongguk tugged Namjoon back down for another kiss.

The kisses were soft, and Jeongguk could feel Namjoon's smile against his lips.

  It was something he wanted to feel for the rest of his life. 

It was something he was going to lose tomorrow at six am.

"Why now?" Jeongguk asked, pulling away from Namjoon, but not far enough away that Namjoon couldn't rest their foreheads together.

"It seemed like a good opportunity," Namjoon said, studying Jeongguk's face for any sign of discomfort or unsatisfaction. "I wanted you to know that I feel it too. You don't have to worry about losing me just because I'm going away." Namjoon moved to rest a hand directly on Jeongguk's mark, under the sleeve of his shirt, and Jeongguk gasped softly at the feel of Namjoon's touch on his skin. It sent a shiver through him.

"We don't need to be tied down yet, Kookie. We're young. We should explore things, you should make more friends, I should go to college. We don't need to worry about living our lives. We're soulmates. We'll always come back together."

The words were exactly what Jeongguk needed to hear. Even as he had agreed to the kiss, he had worried that kissing Namjoon would make Namjoon leaving that much harder, would make it impossible to move on, that he would spend the next two years of his life mourning what could have been if only, if only, if only.

But Namjoon was right. Namjoon felt it too. They were soulmates.

They would come back together.

They fell asleep together that night curled up close, Jeongguk's head on Namjoon's chest, listening to his heartbeat and his steady breathing as he fell asleep.

Namjoon was leaving in the morning, but he'd be back. For Jeongguk's birthday, even, which was only a month away.

Jeongguk could handle this. They could handle this.

Together.