Chapter Text
"I thought we are living together!" Carina was storming into the bedroom after they had breakfast with Andy a few minutes ago. Maya who was making their bed gave her a confused look "But...we are? What are you talking about?" She was getting worried. Why was Carina so mad all of the sudden.
And then it started. It was the first time in their relationship that Carina broke loose. She just lost it. Everything that built up in the weeks and month after Maya cheated on her needed to get out of her. The trigger was Maya asking Andy to move in with them without even talking to her first, and deep down she knew that it was just Maya helping her best friend, but this one time at that exact moment she felt the need to put herself first and set free everything she kept for herself all this time. So when Maya asked her what she was talking about, Carina new that she might risk breaking this still fragile renewed relationship, but not taking care of her own needs all the time had to stop at this moment.
"What am I talking about? How about you asking Andy to move in with us, without asking me for my opinion? Or should I say 'moving in with you'? Do you really think I don't notice how you look at my stuff all the time like I was invading your space? Sure, I wanted to ask you to move in together too, but to remind you... you asked me first. You wanted me here and of course if I really live here I'm bringing my things. And if you don't like something I bring or where I put my stuff, you have to talk to me. I can see that something is going on, but I can't read minds Maya! And to be honest. I have to process so many things at the moment – my brother, me loosing patients, still having you cheating on me in my thoughts all the time although I try so hard not to, believe me, not to mention the freaking pandemic – I simply don't have the power to make you understand that you asking me to move in with me is more than saying 'I don't want to just basically do anything with you, I want to do everything for real'. Yes Maya, I've listened to every word you've said, and it warmed my heart, but nice words mean nothing if they aren't followed with actions. I'm tired, I'm mad and I simply can't keep this happy-relaxed-emotionally-stable-Carina-face around you anymore. I need some time to think if it was the right decision to get back to you so quickly before we even talked properly about what happened the night you slept with someone else. Maya, I love you with all my heart, and I want this...us... to work but I'm not sure if it will, if we keep going like this. Pretending everything is fine, when the both of us have doubts. I know you struggle, and so do I. I don't know where to go from here, but I need some time for myself. I also don't know how we do it since - and wow that's some irony – I just moved in with you. But Maya, this time I'm asking you to give me space. I'm sleeping on the couch in my office at Greys tonight, I'm sorry... I... I need to get out of here!"
And with that Carina grabbed some clothes, left the bedroom and shortly after their apartment.
Maya was sitting on the bed, trying to understand what just happened. Her body was kind of frozen, she couldn't move. Her thoughts were spinning and she tried to get out of this spiral. After some time that felt like hours she whispered "I love you Carina" and Maya started shaking. She realized that it was on her to find a way to fix it. She needed to figure out how. She was Captain Maya Bishop and she always found a way. At least that was what she was trying to tell herself, but then her thoughts went back to Carinas face which was covered in tears when she left their room and all she did was break down and starting to cry. She was crying for herself but mostly she cried for Carina and how hard it must have been for her keeping all of her feelings inside only for Maya to feel better. Carina who she was loving so deeply she didn't even know she could feel this way. Carina who was in so much pain. Carina who she hurt with her broken self. Carina...