Work Text:
Snyder Loses the Remote
A Novella
CHAPTER 1: Stu looks for the remote
Stu: Hey Esme, where's the remote?
Esme: I dunno.
Stu: Anyone in here know?
Tillman: Just go up to the TV and hit the side buttons it's not that hard.
Stu: You do it then, you're closer.
Tillman: Too hard.
Stu: Look, I've spent a good fifteen minutes on this perfect ass indent and I am not wasting it on this caveman technology. Where is the remote?
Esme: Have you checked under the couch?
Stu: No. Gunther's doing it for me.
*Gunther's head pops out from under the couch*
Gunther: I haven't found the remote. I did find a bunch of treasure!
*Gunther shoves out a pile of loose dimes*
Stu: Aw...That's great honey.
Gunther: I'm going back to find more treasure!
*Gunther slides back under the couch*
Esme: ...So you're using child labor?
Stu: Technically he's getting paid more than adult laborers.
*Enter Hotbox via vent. Audience claps*
Hotbox : Stu, why isn't the TV on, it's Night Court Season 5 night.
Tillman: Night Court? That show is hot ass.
Hotbox: No it's NOT!
Stu: We really need to find the remote.
*From under the couch* Gunther: I think Snyder was watching Master Chef Season 6 earlier.
Tillman: Oh, the season Claudia won?
Esme:
Esme: ...Dammit Tillman.
Tillman: Hey, it's been out for five years, if you don't want to be spoiled watch every piece of media ever made dummy.
Stu: Alright, where is Snyder now.
Esme: Well, it's Thursday, so that probably means they're at-
CHAPTER 2: SNYDER EATS AT DENNY'S
*INT: Denny's
Snyder: Boy I sure do love eating at Denny's.
*Enter Stu*
Stu: Why are you eating at Denny's?
Snyder: I explained it 10 seconds ago to this shadowy figure and I really don't feel like explaining it again.
??????: Hey.
Stu: Whatever. Do you know where the remote is?
Snyder: Wait, like...The TV remote?
Stu: Yeah, I was all set to watch NightCourt Season 5 with Hotbox and then we couldn't find the remote.
Snyder: Why didn't you go use the buttons on the side of the TV?
Stu: It was too far.
Snyder: ...Stu it's a 20 minute drive to here.
Stu: Yes, and?
Snyder: ...I think I know where it is. Can I at least finish my pancakes?
Stu: No, we're missing prime Night Court reruns.
Snyder: Fine. I'll just uh...Take it to go.
*Snyder takes out a small tupperware container and starts pouring orange juice and coffee in there.*
CHAPTER 3: SNYDER CANT FIND THE REMOTE
Int. Snyder's bedroom
Stu: Yo do you sleep on a couch?
Snyder: No, it's a futon. Watch-
*Snyder unfolds the couch into a bed*
Snyder: Viola.
Stu:...That's rad.
Snyder: I know right? Anyway, the remote should be right here.
*The remote isn't there*
Snyder: Shit.
Stu: Shit.
Snyder: Wait, I think I know where it is.
CHAPTER 0: BEST TRADE IN HISTORY
Int. Moist Thieves locker room
Lachlan: Oh hey Snyder!
Snyder: Oh hey man.
Lachlan: Yo Snyder are those new pants?
Snyder: Dude I was going to ask you the same thing.
Lachlan: Woah.
Snyder: Dude. Your pants look really good.
Lachlan: Not as good as yours. Your pants look awesome dude.
Snyder:
Lachlan:
Snyder:
Lachlan: You know what needs to go down.
Snyder: Of course.
CHAPTER 3.5 SNYDER KNOWS WHERE THE REMOTE IS
Stu: You traded pants with Lachlan, and left the remote in those pants?
Snyder: Yeah.
Stu: ...So they're in Canada.
Snyder: Yeah.
Stu: Like, *Canada* Canada.
Snyder: Yeah.
Stu: ...Screw it. When's the next bus to Canada?
Snyder: Next one leaves in about two lines from now.
Stu: We better hurry!
CHAPTER 4: SNYDER AND STU RIDE THE BUS
*Int. Bus
Stu: You know, even if I miss Night Court Season 5, this is what makes it worth it. Especially since my blimp needs to be refuel or some other reason as to why we aren't riding it right now.
Snyder: Yeah, public transport kicks ass. Anyone who doesn't support public transport is a sucker and should lose their right to drive.
Stu: Of course.
Snyder: Oh my god.
Stu: What?
Snyder: Look, three seats ahead of us!
*They look over the seats.*
Snyder: It's Laura Les from 100 Gecs.
Stu: No way.
Snyder: No, I'm 80% sure that's Laura Les from 100 Gecs, writer of such songs like Stupid Horse, Ringtone, bloodstains, gec 2 u, came to my show, hand crushed by a mallet, and US Rock top 45 song Money Machine.
Stu: Wait you're right that is Laura Les from 100 Gecs, who toured with Brockhampton and also had several remixes of her songs featuring artists like Fallout Boy, Kero Kero Bonito, and Dorian Electra.
Snyder: She's coming over!
*Enter Laura Les*
Laura Les: Actually Money Machine only hit 47th on US Rock charts.
*Exit Laura Les*
Snyder: Oh.
Stu: Hey.
Stu: I'm hungry as hell dude.
CHAPTER 5: SNYDER AND STU MAKE A PIT STOP TO CHIPOTLE
*Int Chipotle
Snyder: Boy I sure do love eating at Chipotle
Stu: Wait, really?
Snyder: No, Chipotle sucks. I just say that to be polite.
Stu: Wait why do you hate Chipotle? It's decent...
Snyder: That's why I hate it.
Snyder: Chipotle is run by a bunch of corporate cowards who are afraid to innovate.
Snyder: Chipotle has so much money and free time they could do all sorts of cool shit, but they choose not to. They could serve helado. They could bring in Birria. They could do all kinds of things but instead it's like-
Snyder: "Uh do you want taco, burrito, or a bowl. They're all the same shit except they all cost 5 dollars more than any restaurant with any pride would sell them for."
Snyder: Now Taco Bell, Taco Bell knows how to party.
Snyder: Taco Bell is like, "We'll do weirdo shit like make a taco out of doritos and make ice cream out of mountain dew. Only come here after you get blasted with your college buds on a Friday Night."
Snyder: Meanwhile Chipotle is just content with being the Spanish equivalent of Chick-Fil-A. It's a B- and it's convinced that if it maintains that mediocrity it deserves a medal.
Snyder: That's why I hate Chipotle.
Snyder: Also they've had a severe food contamination problem for like 5 years and haven't done anything about it.
Stu: ...Wow you feel...strongly about Chipotle.
Snyder: Yeah.
Snyder: Could be worse. Could be Burger King.
Stu: ...You know, there's a Taco Bell like a block away from here.
Snyder: Oh, word?
CHAPTER 6 STU AND SNYDER GO EAT AT TACO BELL INSTEAD
*Int Taco Bell
Stu: Ok this is actually not awful.
Snyder: Live mas and prosper.
CHAPTER 7 STU AND SNYDER GET BACK ON THE BUS TO CANADA
Snyder: I'm genuinely surprised.
Stu: What?
Snyder: There aren't any celebrities on here. There’s just a shadowy figure two rows behind us.
??????: Hi.
Stu: I'm a celebrity!
Snyder: No, but I see you every day. Kanye isn't like "Oh wow Kim K!" every morning is he?
Stu: Damn right he's not, and that's why he doesn't deserve her.
Snyder: Fair.
Stu: Look, there's uh...Rey Mysterio.
Snyder: No, that's not Rey Mysterio.
Stu: He's wearing a mask!
Snyder: Everyone wears a mask...Spiritually.
Stu: No he's wearing a luchador mask.
Mysterio Fan: Hey, I am not Rey Mysterio. I am just a big fan of his.
Snyder: Oh. That's cool.
Mysterio Fan: Wait are you guys Stu Trololol and Snyder Briggs of Shoe Thieves fame?
Snyder: Oh yeah.
Mysterio Fan: Oh cool I'm a big fan-
Stu: Thanks that means a lot.
Mysterio Fan: -Of Tillman Henderson, what's he like?
Stu: ...Oh look it's our stop.
CHAPTER 8: SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY LACHLAN SHELTON EVEN THOUGH LACHLAN SHELTON APPEARED EARLIER IN THE STORY.
Int. Gleek Arena
Lachlan: Hey guys.
Stu: Hey thanks for letting us in on such short notice. We really need to get that remote back.
Snyder: Well, I actually don't know how important that is.
Stu: ...It's important.
Lachlan: I mean I'm happy to see you guys but I'm pretty sure that remote was universal. Like we could go Radioshack-
Snyder: Wait, you have Radioshack?
Lachlan: Yeah, Canada still has Radioshack.
Stu: Baller. But look if the remote's still here why do we need to pay for a new one?
Snyder: That's fair.
Lachlan: Fine, I think I never washed your pants so they're probably in my locker.
Snyder: Oh. That's...nice?
Stu: Let's get it!
*Int Entrance
Stu: Oh shit-Look who it is!
CHAPTER 9: SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY BEASLEY GLOOM
Stu: What's up Beasley?
Beasley: woof
Stu: Ha! Classic Beasley.
CHAPTER 10: LOCKER ROOM BLUES
*Int Locker Room
*Lachlan opens his locker*
Stu: Your locker stinks.
Snyder: Yeah, and not in the typical 'covered in spit completely' stink like everything else in this building.
Lachlan: ...Huh. We may have a problem.
Stu: No. No no no no no.
Lachlan: Snyder's pants aren't here.
Stu: No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
Snyder: ...Then where are they?
Stu: No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
CHAPTER 10: SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY EUGENIA GARBAGE
*Int Eugenia's can
Eugenia: oh hey guys whats up
Lachlan: Eugenia, have you been going through my locker again?
Eugenia: noooooooo
Lachlan: Eugenia...
Eugenia: yessssssss
Lachlan: Look, where are my pants-
Eugenia: on your legs.
Lachlan:
Lachlan: Ughhhhhh.
Stu: Eugenia, you cannot comprehend how much I've missed you.
Lachlan: No, the pants you took from my locker.
Eugenia: oooh. i mailed them.
Stu:
Stu: Eugenia I no longer miss you.
Lachlan: Why would you mail my pants?
Snyder: My pants.
Lachlan: We traded, fair and square.
Eugenia: ...they're going to tokyooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Lachlan + Snyder + Stu: What?!
Eugenia: i figured they could use a gift...tokyo lift is a new team and theyre probably very shy...so we should give them something niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. and i panicked and i saw those pants you never wear or wash so i mailed them to tokyooooooooooooooooo.
Stu: ...Well crap.
Snyder: No, but now we know where they are!
Stu: ...Alright. When's the next bus to Tokyo?
Snyder: Uhhhh...Like six lines from now. Is that right?
Lachlan: Oh yeah, six lines sounds right.
Stu: Oh that's plenty of time.
Snyder: Not anymore, now we only have three lines.
Eugenia: you guys better hurry...
Snyder: Oh yeah bye guys it was nice seeing you again say bye to Beasley for me I love you!!!!!
CHAPTER 11: SNYDER AND STU DRIVE OVER THE TOKYO-CALIFORNIA BRIDGE
Stu: Yo you know what I just realized? We'll probably stop by Hawaii.
Snyder: Yeah, but the Fridays won't let anyone in off the highway.
Stu: Really?
Snyder: Yeah. They think the highway is 'a really bad idea that doesn't even make sense even by the wacky blaseball logic that governs our universe.'
Stu: Well how else is Tokyo Lift supposed to get to all their games? Flying?
Snyder: Hey, maybe we'll see a Japanese celebrity because we're going to Japan.
Stu: Who would we see on a bus *to* Tokyo though? Wouldn't they all be in Japan already?
Snyder: Yeah I guess that makes sense-NO WAY
Hatsune Miku: Yo what's up bitches
Snyder + Stu: Hatsune Miku? The famous vocaloid and spokesperson for Domino's Pizza?
Hatsune Miku: Damn right. I ride the bus too, because I support public transport.
Snyder: Queen.
Stu: Goddess.
??????: We stan.
Hatsune freakin' Miku: Hell yeah. Anyway, I'm headed to Tokyo Lift Stadium Name Pending to see our new blaseball team.
Stu: Oh wow, we are also heading there!
Hatsune Miku : Yo dude that's fuckin' rad.
Snyder: Yeah we need to get my pants back.
Stu: They left the TV remote in their pants and now it's in Tokyo.
Hatsune Miku: Man, relatable.
Snyder: Yeah. Anyway, Miku, how long until we get to Tokyo?
Miku: It's like Nine Hours.
Stu: Excuse me.
Miku: Do you...not know how big the Pacific Ocean is.
Snyder: Like three miles right. That's why they call Hawai'i three mile island?
Miku: Oh my god.
Snyder: What?
Stu: What? They're right.
Miku: Look, we should all get some shut eye. It's a long way until we hit the coastline.
Stu: Alright. Man, I wonder what's happening back at Choux Stadium.
Snyder:
Snyder:
Snyder: We can like
Snyder: Call them if you want to know-
Stu: Snyder I'm trying to provide a set-up for a transition.
Stu: Anyway
Stu: I wonder what's happening back at Choux Stadium.
INTERLUDE No.1: HOWELL AND SIMON GO SHOPPING
*Int. Best Buy
Simon: So they're in Japan, Japan?
Howell: Yeah. Their bus arrives in like four hours.
Simon: Honestly I'm just glad we're all still here after what happened this season. I think a little sightseeing would be good for them, don't you think Howell?
Simon: Howell?
*Howell appears with a pair of sunglasses*
Howell: Hey Simon look at me-
*Howell puts on the sunglasses*
Howell: I'm a Glarewolf.
Simon: Dude.
Simon: That's funny as fuck.
Howell: I know right? Anyway, this remote will work with our TV right?
Simon: Yeah. At the very least we can pretend it does and I'll hit the buttons so Hotbox can shut up about Night Court.
Howell: Oh can I do sound effects?
Simon: I don't think you need to do sound effects.
Howell: Ok but watch-Bzzt. Beep. Byoooooooooooo.
Simon:...We'll workshop it.
Howell: Fine.
Simon: Ok. So...We're out?
Howell: We're out.
*Simon and Howell leave the store*
CHAPTER 12: TOKYO, JAPAN
*Int Entrance to Tokyo Lift Arena Name Not Final
Stu: Thanks for telling us how you made all those things that we thought awful people created.
Miku: Yeah, it's no big deal. Anyway I gotta go fuck around and try all the cool flavors of Kit Kats we have that your fucking country doesn't. Later shitlords.
Snyder: Wow.
Stu: She was a lot more vulgar in real life.
Snyder: Yeah.
Stu: Cool though.
Snyder: I am never washing my forehead again.
*Snyder reveals 'THE Hatsune Miku SEAL OF APPROVAL' written on their forehead in light blue sharpie.*
Snyder: Anyway how do we...Get in?
CHAPTER 13: INTRODUCING CONCRETE MANDIBLE
Stu: Woah, it's an insect person or a stone person probably!
Snyder: Nice.
Concrete: Hi I am Concrete Mandible and I'm new to blaseball unless I'm not. My backstory hasn't been written yet.
Stu: Yeah but your name is cool!
Concrete: Hell yeah, also I'm probably a super chill kinda guy unless the wiki states I'm not.
Snyder: That's cool. Hey, did any mail come over here?
Concrete: I didn't see any mail. Mostly because we don't have a mailbox.
Snyder: So what have you been doing with...The mail that is sent here?
Concrete: We've been throwing it in the trash.
Snyder: My pants!
Stu: My remote!
Wyatt Quitter: My wrappers!
Stu: Wait-
CHAPTER 14 : SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE WYATT QUITTER
Wyatt: What's up?
Stu: Not much. You cursed us and then we got to the finals again, so you didn't do a great job.
Wyatt: Hey, it's not my fault I got subjugated by a Giant Peanut and was forced to massacre two of the best teams in blaseball, before then fighting in a battle for the universe against a team of dead players who were given peanuts to fight us after we one shotted that year's champion post-ascension, before then falling into Tokyo to join their team!
Concrete:
Concrete: i'm sorry what
Wyatt: Anyway if you want to dig through our garbage you should try around back, but be careful because it's garbage day.
Stu: When does your garbage get picked up?
Wyatt: About fifteen seconds ago.
*A garbage truck passes by the stadium*
Stu: ...Goddammit
Wyatt: Nice seeing you guys!
Concrete: Nice meeting you unless I hate meeting people!
Snyder: Alright, I hope you don't suck because your name is super cool!
CHAPTER 15: THE TRASH BARGE
*Int Tokyo Trash Harbor
Snyder: Ok the trash is being loaded into this barge
Stu: Ok let's get on the barge.
Snyder: Ok.
*Int Trash Barge
Stu: Alright, start looking through garbage.
*They start to look through the garbage.*
Snyder: Woah, here's every Imagine Dragons album ever made.
Stu: Wow, look, here's Fire Emblem Revelations!
Snyder: And there's every single movie that Mark Wahlberg is in!
Stu: And look, here's this poorly written and convoluted joke!
Snyder: Wow.
Stu: Wait...This is regular garbage. Not *Blaseball* garbage.
Snyder: Did we get on the wrong barge?
CHAPTER 15 YES THEY DID
Stu: Goddammit.
Snyder: Hey, Mr.Bargedriver
Mr.Bargerdrive: I have a name!
Stu: What's your name?
Clarence: Clarence.
Stu: Oh.
Snyder: Do all the trash barges go to the same place?
Clarence: Yeah, they all go to Garbage Island.
Stu: Oh. That makes sense.
Snyder: No it doesn't, why aren't they going to like a regular landfill?
Clarence: Because islands are cool and Japan wants more of them to exist.
Snyder: ...That's stupid.
Clarence: You're stupid.
Stu: He's got you there.
Snyder: Well how long until we get there?
Clarence: About a full chapter.
CHAPTER 16 STU AND SNYDER HAVE A CHAT
Stu: ...So.
Snyder: So.
Stu: You ever think about how Fitz is like 200 years old?
Snyder: In my reality he was like 18.
Stu: No shit?
Snyder: Also on fire.
Stu: Oh word?
Snyder: ...Ok I gotta ask, you're a lot less...cockney than usual.
Stu: Oh, that? Too hard to write.
Snyder: I see.
Stu: I assume that's the reason you're not setting stuff on fire?
Snyder: Well when would I have found the need to? I'm not gonna light Hatsune Miku on fire.
Stu: Fair.
Snyder:
Stu:
Snyder:
Stu:
Snyder
Stu:
Snyder:
Stu: I'm so pissed.
Snyder: At me?
Stu: Well-Ok a little-But also we met Hatsune Miku and I didn't even ask her if she has actual binders for sale.
Snyder: She has to at this point.
Stu: Right?
Snyder:
Stu:
Snyder:
Stu:
Snyder: Wait why are you pissed at me
Stu: I'm a little pissed at you.
Snyder: Still, you're pissed at me and I want to know why.
Stu: ...It's fine. Look, we'll get the remote back in the morning and we'll be all good.
Snyder: ...Ok.
Stu: Ok?
Snyder: I'm going to sleep.
Stu: Ok but like where? This is all garbage.
Snyder: Good point-Clarence!
Clarence: yo
Snyder: Where should I sleep?
Clarence: I mean I am shipping a lot of body pillows in the back-left corner next to that shadowy figure.
??????: Hey.
Clarence: Try those?
Snyder: Oh...Why are they all of...Chef Boyardee.
Clarence: Chef Boyardee is sexy. But apparently not sexy enough for Japan.
Stu: ...I...I don't think he is sexy enough for Italy.
Snyder: Nah, I agree with Clarence. He's pretty hot.
Stu: What
Snyder: Chef Boyardee is like an 8. Easy 8.
Stu: Look you're asking a lesbian if the fictional embodiment of Ettore Boiardi is hot?
Snyder: Correct.
Stu: No.
Snyder: Agree to disagree. Alright, goodnight Stu!
Stu: Goodnight Snyder.
CHAPTER 17 STU AND SNYDER HAVE TO SOLVE A RIDDLE:
*Ext Garbage Island
Clarence: Hey we're at garbage island.
Stu: Lit.
Snyder: Clarence will you pick us up?
Clarence: Nope. I only get paid to drop off the garbage, not pick it up.
Snyder: But...we're not garbage.
Clarence: Yeah but your pitching is.
Stu: HOLY SHIT DUDE
Stu: DUDE HE GOT YOU
Stu: OH MY GOD DUDEEEE
Stu: HOW YOU GONNA RECOVER
Stu: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Stu: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Snyder: Are you
Stu: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Snyder: Are you done?
Stu: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOkay I'm done.
Snyder: He left by the way.
Stu: Oh ok.
Riddlemaster: GREETINGS MORTALS!
Stu: Now who are you?
Riddlemaster: I am the Official Riddlemaster of Garbage Island! If you wish to pass me you must answer this ROYAL RIDDLE!
Stu: Ok I'm game.
Snyder: Hell yeah dog I love riddles.
Riddlemaster: Ok-There is a dead man in the middle of a field, nothing is around him except an unopened package next to him. How did he die?
Stu: uhhh...Heart attack?
Riddlemaster: No!
Snyder: Dysentery?
Riddlemaster: It is in no way medical!
Snyder: I think being dead is a pretty bad medical condition.
Stu: Yeah like if your heart stops beating I'm pretty sure a doctor's like "Oh there's something very wrong with this man medically."
Snyder: So like your riddle sucks dude.
Riddlemaster: ANSWER THE RIDDLE!
Stu: Wait, hold on.
Snyder: Yeah what's up?
Stu: I just googled the riddle. You got this off of riddles.com you moron.
Snyder: Wait how are you a riddlemaster if you can't come up with your own fucking riddles?
Riddlemaster: Look, answer the riddle or-
Stu: What a terrible riddle. The answer was 'A failed parachute.' Like that's so dumb dude.
Snyder: You can't even pick good riddles?
Riddlemaster: Ok, I didn't have a lot of time to prepare-
Stu: What, and riddles are so hard to come up with?
Snyder: Here's a better riddle-Who's short and sucks at riddles.
Stu: Uhhhh the bozo in front of us.
*They high five*
Stu: Hell yeah
Snyder: That was tight.
Riddlemaster:...Ok you know what? Just go.
Stu: Uh, we were gonna anyway.
Snyder: Yeah, you live on 'Garbage Island' we really don't need to take shit from you.
Stu: Yeah.
Snyder: Yeah.
*They high five again*
Stu + Snyder: Yeah.
*They go further into trash island.*
CHAPTER 18 SNYDER GETS A PHONE CALL
*ring ring*
Howell: Yo
Snyder: Oh hey Howell.
Stu: Oh my god, HIIII HOWELLL!
Howell: Hi Stu!!!!!
Stu: Hi!!!!!
Howell: Hi!!!!
Stu: Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Howell: Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stu: hey
Howell: what
Stu: Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Howell: Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stu:
Howell:
Snyder:
Stu: H-
Snyder: What's up Howell?
Howell: Uh if you're still looking for the remote we found a replacement.
Snyder: Wait really?
Howell: Yeah. Where are you guys? Simon said you were in Japan.
Snyder: We're not in Japan. We're in uh...
Snyder:...
Snyder: Garbage Island?
Howell: Oh so Nantucket?
Snyder: No.
Snyder: Also we're gonna have to explore *that* later.
Snyder: But like an actual island of garbage.
Howell: Oh. Well find a boat and get home, okay?
Snyder: Ok.
*click*
CHAPTER 19 THEY CAN'T LEAVE
Stu: We can't leave.
Snyder: But, we found a replacement. Howell says we're good!
Stu: No we can't, it's not the same.
Snyder: The buttons work, the batteries work, it's-
Stu: It's my remote!
Snyder: ...No? Isn't it the team's remote?
Stu: Yes. From *my* team.
Snyder: What?
Stu: When you got swapped, what were you doing?
Snyder: Uh...sleeping.
Stu: I was watching TV. Night Court. And that remote is the only thing that came over with me when I swapped over.
Snyder: Oh.
Snyder: Oh my god.
Stu: Yeah. Aside from my old uniform, it's like...The only thing left of that place.
Stu: I love this reality. I really do. But so many things are different here. Howell's alive, but Atlas isn't. Cornelius and Richardson are actually together. Workman isn't a dog but Beasley is.
Snyder: wait what
Stu: But that remote was still there. I thought if it was the same, so were other parts of this reality. That it was still the remote that I sat down and watched Night Court with my Shoe Thieves. That the other Stu in my reality is still hanging with them.
Snyder: Wait it was still Night Court in your-
Stu: Don't.
Snyder:
Stu: And now it's gone. The one thing left on my old dimension is probably buried underneath a pile of People magazines or something, covered in slime and spit and snot.
Snyder: Oh.
Snyder:
Snyder: Why didn't you tell anyone?
Stu: You barely understand it. Would anyone else have?
Snyder:
Snyder:
Snyder: Uh.
Snyder:
Snyder: Sorry.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INTERLUDE 2: Gunther Gets A Boo Boo
*INT BLOOD'S ROOM
*Enter Gunther*
Gunther: Blood...
Blood: Oh hey Gunther, what can I do ya for?
Gunther: I got a boo boo.
Blood:
Blood: Oh my god.
Blood: I'll get everyone
*Blood pulls out his phone.*
*Int ShoeThievesGroupChat
@Bl00d: Guyz gunth has a boo boo
@Hookshot: Oh no
@Hookshot: Omw
@Awo0o0o: bringing support snacks!!!!
@yezme: is gunther ok
@yezme: im cutting through traffic rn bringing first aid kit
@TheRealHenderson: i mean
@TheRealHenderson: how big a deal could it be
@TheRealHenderson: it's 2am.
@Hookshot:
@MrPenta: ban his ass
*@TheRealHenderson has been banned*
@yezme: ...that took longer than i expected tbh.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT 2
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHAPTER 20 STU STUBS HER TOE ON AN OLD REFRIGERATOR
Stu: ouch.
Snyder: You good?
Stu: yeah.
CHAPTER 21 SNYDER MEETS EVERYONE'S HERO
Snyder: Ok I'm gonna check over here.
Snyder: Oh shit a bus.
*Snyder enters the bus*
Snyder: Oh my god.
Neil Cicierega: Hey it's me.
Snyder: What are you doing here?
Neil Cicierega: Every bus needs a celebrity. I'm this one's! Plus garbage island is where I come up with all my best work. Like Soft Fuzzy Man was based on a pile of smoke on that trash hill. And Eighth Wonder was based on a cool rat I saw here. And Two Trucks was based on my conception.
Snyder: wait what
Neil Cicierega: Anyway, Snyder Briggs, what's got you down?
Snyder: Well, I accidentally lost something very important of my friend's and I feel bad.
Neil Cicierega: What was it?
Snyder: The remote.
Neil Cicierega: Oh yeah that sucks dude.
Snyder:
Neil Cicierega: Man only a real dick would lose something like that.
Snyder:
Neil Cicierega: Boy I'd feel terrible if I lost the remote.
Neil Cicierega: Just awful.
Neil Cicierega: Like move to another town awful.
Snyder: I G E T I T!
Neil Cicierega: I mean like find it and that'll probably fix most of the problem I'm not gonna lie.
Snyder: Oh yeah I just felt like taking a break.
Neil Cicierega: Yeah. I think I saw a remote over past VCR hill.
Snyder: Oh. I'll check that out.
Neil Cicierega:
Snyder:
Neil Cicierega: So...Are you a fan?
Snyder: Oh like a huge fan. I liked uh...Your 50 States Nightmares video.
Neil Cicierega: Oh yeah that was a fun one to write.
Snyder: Plus I like Brodyquest
Neil Cicierega: Oh thanks.
Snyder: ...What're you coming up with now?
Neil Cicierega: If I told you I'd have to kill you.
Snyder: Wait really?
Neil Cicierega: Sort of.
Snyder:
Neil Cicierega:
Snyder: ...So did you hear Anthony Fantano gave Mouth Dreams a 4?
Neil Cicierega: I'm sorry he did WHAT
CHAPTER 22 STU PLAYS YUGIOH FOR A WHILE
Stu: Wow, there's a lot of Taylor Swift albums here.
Stu: Oh shit a yugioh deck
Stu: Oh shit TWO yugioh decks
Stu: Hey Snyder-
Snyder: yo I met Neil Cicierega. I think he's off to kill Anthony Fantano now.
Stu: Oh that's cool. Anyway, wanna play Yugioh with me?
Snyder: ...Sure
CHAPTER 23 STU LEARNS YUGIOH SUCKS AS A GAME
Stu: Alright, so what you're saying is I can't synchro summon it because I only have two tuner monsters?
Snyder: Yeah you need a tuner monster and an additional non-tuner monster in order to fully summon the Synchro monster from the extra deck. But since I summoned Phonon Pulse Dragon I can declare it's level as 2-
Stu: Yeah but you can't do that because you already summoned a Phono Pulse Dragon which you can only summon one of each turn. Plus you already special summoned Gogogo Golem with your Gogogo Ghost and I'm pretty sure that contradicts what you did earlier this turn.
Snyder: Yeah, but you tried to play Upstart Goblin which I'm pretty sure has been tournament illegal for several months now.
Stu: But you're running three copies of Pot of Duality when you're only explicitly allowed two.
Snyder: Yes but that ruling hasn't taken effect in Japan yet, at least according to the October 18th rulebook for the Japanese TCG Federation.
Stu: Well we're technically American athletes right?
Snyder: Yeah but it's Japanese soil-Or plastic, I guess.
Stu: Fair. Anyway I think we should consult an official about this ruling. After all, you also tried to summon a Gladiator Beast for me in defense mode after activating Trojan Gladiator Beast, but then forgot to draw a card.
Snyder: Yeah, also I think this Blue Eyes White Dragon is a forgery and hence not tournament legal-
??????: HEY GUYS WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING ELSE
Snyder: Shadowy figure is right!
CHAPTER 23.5 MAGIC THE GATHERING IS SOMEHOW WORSE
Snyder: Wait so this card just wins you the game?
Stu: Dude, several cards just win you the game. There's Happily Ever After, Door to Nothingness, As Luck Would Have it, Biovisionary, Felidar Sovereign...
Snyder: Wow. That honestly seems like bad design.
Stu: Oh yeah, and don't get me started on the lore. They had like one gay character? Completely straightwashed her. Also she was white before but they somehow whitewashed her too, if you can believe that.
Snyder: Oh yeah?
Snyder: Also what's the deal with food tokens?
Stu: Oh food tokens are bullshit. Also Azorius are all cops and there's nothing good about them.
Snyder: Well, I don't think this game is all that fun-
??????: HOLY SHIT THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
Chapter 24: SNYDER FINDS THEMSELF
??????: I AM BEYOND TIRED OF WAITING FOR YOU GUYS TO FIND THIS REMOTE.
Snyder: Hey, I sort of know where it is
Stu: Oh? Then why the hell are we playing a children’s game?
*Stu throws the cards in the garbage*
Stu: Yugioh is only good as a show anyway.
Snyder: Yeah. I heard Zexal is supposed to be good.
Stu: Oh yeah? Whoever told you that lied.
??????: CAN YOU FUCKERS SHUT UP
??????: I AM HERE TO HELP YOU GET A REMOTE
Snyder: Wait who are you?
?????r: THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT, WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT YOU GUYS GO UP TO VCR VALLEY AND FIND THE REMOTE.
Stu: Why are you shouting
Snyder: You’re being very rude.
Stu: You aren’t even showing your face:
:
Snyder: Oh. They left.
Stu: ...Huh.
CHAPTER 25 VCR VALLEY
Stu: You know, I kind of miss VCRs.
Snyder: Really?
Stu: ...Nah.
Snyder: Anyway, who was that guy?
Stu: Beats me. Maybe it’s a ghost.
Snyder: Garbage ghost? Like Eugenia?
Stu: Is Eugenia a ghost? I always thought of them as living essence, like a spectre that represents wastefulness or some hippie shit like that.
Snyder: No I’m pretty sure they support waste actively.
Stu: Fair point.
Snyder: Ooh we should take Eugenia here, they’d love it!
Stu: Would they? It’d be like if they took us to an island made of human flesh.
Stu: “ittttt reminded me of youuuuuu”
Snyder: That’s a really good Eugenia actually.
Stu: Wait hold on “my defense is so badddddddddddddddddd”
Snyder: Well that’s a little mean.
Stu: “i smelllllllllll baddddddddddddddd but not as baddddddddddd as Tillmannnnnnnnnnnnn”
Snyder: Well he doesn’t smell bad, just of Axe.
Stu: So...bad?
Snyder: I kinda like Axe.
Stu: Pfft.
Stu: You only tolerate Tillman because with him around you’re not the worst pitcher.
Snyder: Hey! I’m a great pitcher!
Stu: Yeah, compared to Tillman I’M a great pitcher.
Snyder:...Dude can run though.
Stu: It’s weird how good of a runner he is.
Snyder: Probably would be better if he just ran at the batter holding the ball.
Stu: Yeah he’d get hit by the batter too!
Snyder: Win-Win baby.
Stu: Wait.
Snyder: What?...No way!
CHAPTER 26 SNYDER FINDS THE REMOTE
Reality Cop 1: Alright, we found the source of the anomaly.
Reality Cop 2: Yeah, better report it to HQ.
CHAPTER 26.5 TOO BAD THE COPS FOUND IT FIRST
Reality Cop 1: Alright, let’s get the fuck out of here.
* The Reality Cops exit through warping, taking the remote with them*
Snyder: I’m sorry what
??????: YOU MORONS!
Stu: Oh this asshole’s back.
Snyder: Uggggggggggggh.
S?????: YOU BOTH SUCK.
??y?e?: YOU BOTH SUCK SO HARD.
Stu: You know what Mr.Shadowy Figure, you’ve been stalking us for like a while now.
Snyder: Yeah you were at the Denny’s.
Stu: And on the bus.
Snyder: And on the barge.
Stu: And now you’re here.
Snyder: Dude you suck.
Sn???r: No.
S?y?er: We Suck.
CHAPTER 27 WHEN I SAID SNYDER FOUND THEMSELF I MEANT IT VERY LITERALLY
Snyder?: Ok, so first off, we can’t touch. Or else the fabric of reality will rip apart.
Snyder: Pardon my french but what the actual hell
Snyder?: Ok, it’s gonna be a little complex but I am this universe’s Snyder Briggs. We got traded in Season 4.
Snyder: Ok but why are you here?
Snyder?: Because she-
Stu: Me?
Snyder?: Yes. She brought a remote to this universe from the other universe, but this universe’s Stu didn’t.
Stu: ...What.
Snyder?: Ok, basically the only reason Alternate Realities worked was because there was a balance. Snyder left their universe, I left mine. We brought nothing but our uniforms. But when you left your universe, you brought the remote with you.
Stu: Ok, but that was 6 seasons ago, why now is there cops and shit?
Snyder?: Because now it moved too much. Snyder brought it to Canada, and then it went to Tokyo, and THEN it going to Garbage Island was too much. It’s out of sync with its original reality. If Stu touched it then it would reset, but now the fucking REALITY COPS took it to GOD KNOWS WHERE!
Stu: Huh. So wait, why are you here?
Snyder?: The Snyder’s proximity to the anomaly was enough to pull me back to this Prime Reality.
Snyder: Wait, so does that mean I’ll get to go back to *my* reality?
Snyder?: No, you’re just going to die.
Snyder: Oh that sucks.
Snyder?: In fact, all versions of us AND Stu are gonna be erased if we don’t reset that anomaly.
Stu: Oh. That’s…
Stu: That’s not great is it.
Snyder?: Yeah. I have to get going, and fix the fuck up you two have made.
Stu: Wait, why don’t we come with you?
Snyder?: Well, one of you will kill me if you get too close to me, and the other one of you has jeopardized my life to the point where I have to steal a remote control from interdimensional police.
Snyder?: So peace out, and stay RIGHT. HERE.
*Prime Snyder disappears*
Stu: Hey.
Stu: Prime you is a dick.
Snyder: To be fair, they did try to get themselves incinerated several times.
Snyder: So I assume when they went to my universe where everything was on fire, it was probably aggravating.
Snyder: Like a man dying of thirst forced to watch another man drown.
Stu: Yeah.
*Suddenly an Airship Lands*
Simon: What's up?
CHAPTER 28 GANG’S HERE
*Int Airship
Snyder: How did you guys find us?
Vela: Well, you said that you were on garbage island. So we kind of have been...Going to several garbage islands.
Simon: It was actually super depressing. Like once you get to garbage island 3 you’re like “Holy shit that’s a lot of garbage we really are just ruining this planet.”
Howell: Yeah. Sorry it took so long to refuel your airship.
Stu: No it’s okay. We got to ride a bus.
Snyder: Several! And we met Laura Les from 100 Gecs!
Howell: Oh! Good for you!
Simon: Anyway, we figured since you’ve decided to stay at Garbage Island you’re essentially committed to finding this remote. So we decided to help you two so you can go home and watch Night Court.
Snyder: Honestly, it’s been like 2 days now, right? 3, even. I think we may just have…
Snyder: Like missed Night Court.
Snyder: Actually didn't Night Court get cancelled? Like 30 years ago?
Snyder: Yeah I don't even get everyone's obsession with Night Court it wasn't even that good of a show.
Howell: They've got a point.
Stu: Look-I appreciate you taking my beloved airship and parking it in a pile of garbage-
Simon: Several piles of garbage!
Stu: Simon I swear to god.
Snyder: We have bigger fish to fry. Because if we don't get the remote back me and Stu are going to disappear from reality. And all realities.
Stu: Yeah. Also there's an alternate alternate Snyder running around claiming to be Prime Snyder.
Vela: ...And?
Snyder: And what?
Vela: What do we do now. Do we fight god again? Do we fight alternate Snyder? Do we just like throw you guys a party as you fade away? What's. the. game. plan.
Snyder: Uh...Technically the...dimensional...police...have it.
Vela: Well you two are our residents from another dimension, so if anyone should know where it is it's you guys!
Howell: Actually I...
Howell: I may know someone who can help.
Simon: Ok, but first, I'm getting some food.
Snyder: Oh yeah, after eating literal trash for a few days I'm pretty much down for almost anything. Well, except for-
CHAPTER 29, THE GANG GOES TO BURGER KING
Snyder:
Vela: Wow, Burger King is great.
Howell: Yeah, it's pretty good all things are considered.
Simon: I like their chicken fries a lot honestly.
Stu: It doesn't matter what reality I'm in, Burger King rules.
Snyder: ...
Stu: Hey
Stu: Snyder
Stu: Snides
Stu: Snyder
Snyder: w h a t
Stu: What do *you* think of Burger King?
*Snyder gets up on the table.
*Deep inhale*
Snyder: Ok, FIRST OF ALL-
CHAPTER 30, SNYDER SINGLEHANDEDLY GETS THE ENTIRE TEAM BANNED FROM AN ENTIRE FAST FOOD FRANCHISE
*Int Airship
Howell: Wow.
Howell: That poor frycook.
Snyder: I said what I had to say.
Simon: ...I'm gonna miss those fries, man.
Howell: Anyway, we're here.
CHAPTER 31, SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE [REDACTED]
Int. An Undisclosed Location
M*** V******* : H*****, it's **** to *** you.
S*****: Wait, why *** there ***** everywhere?
H*****: It's a tradition of the H****** S****. Because of *******.
S**: Makes *****.
M***: Yes, * hope it isn't *** much of a ******.
S*****: Ok, so basically, ***'re an alternate ****?
M***: I am not privy to disclose that information.
H*****: He is.
S**: Math-
M***: *ahem*
S**: Oh, sorry.
S**: ****, we need you to help us find the ****quarters of the ********* police.
M***: The Dimensional ****** are a very ******* group. They'll be **** to find if you **** ****** **** ***.
S*****: Well, that's obvious, but how do we find them to begin with.
M***: Child's Play. First-****** ******* ** * **** ** * ***** **** *********** ***** *** **** ******* ****.
M***: Then, all you need to do is **** ** *** **** ****** ******* ***** *** *** *****. Math is math, then ************ *** * * * *******************************************************.
M***: And you're at their headquarters.
S*****: Why didn't I think of that? You're the ****!
S**: Wait, before we leave, can I use this one more time?
M***: ...Go ahead.
S**: *inhale*
S**: *********************************************************************************************************************************
****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
*****************************************************************************************
************************************************************************************.
H******: Well, I sure am glad we redacted THAT.
INTERLUDE 3-HUSBAND MOMENT
*Int Games Bedroom
Richardson: Hey, have you noticed like a good chunk of our team has been...missing...for a few days?
Cornelius: Eh.
Richardson: Should we like...do something?
Cornelius: Here's how I see it. We either get out of bed, deal with a whole bunch of shit that's not our fault, and end up back here annoyed, tired, and angry.
Cornelius: OR
Cornelius: We sleep in, then do nothing the entire day like we deserve.
Richardson:
Richardson: I love you so much.
CHAPTER 32-SNYDER AND STU PREPARE
Simon: So according to my calculations based on what Math told you guys, the Interdimensional Police Headquarters should currently be in-
Snyder: Yeah, wait when did you get so good at differential equations?
Simon: My dad was a big scientist. His ghost taught me math and astronomy and all sorts of cool shit like that.
Snyder: Yeah about that-
Snyder: Your mom was a comet?
Simon: And?
Snyder: And your dad was actual scientist Edmond Haley.
Simon: And?
Snyder: ...So are you made of like-love energy or something?
Simon: No, I'm made of regular comet stuff. Like rocks. And light. And magic. I'm just human shaped.
Snyder: That tracks.
Stu: Anyway, where is the HQ?
Simon: Manhattan,
Stu: Oh, I love the Millennials! They're so nice-
Simon: Kansas. Manhattan, Kansas.
Simon: And there's only one place where they let airships land near Manhattan.
CHAPTER 33-SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY EIZABETH GUERRA
*Int Stu trying to park her airship
Eizabeth: Well.
Stu: Hey so can I just park it-
Eizabeth: Well well well.
Stu: Like next to this bench? I don't want someone to be like-
Eizabeth: Well well well well well well well.
Stu: -"oh no my favorite bench haunted by my dead husband's ghost is blocked by this cool airship."
Eizabeth: Well well well well well well well well well well well well well well.
Stu: -I'm gonna park there, I guess-
*Stu and Snyder exit the airship*
Stu: Hey Eizabeth.
Snyder: Hi.
Eizabeth: I guess the thrashing we gave you this postseason wasn't enough for you, was it?
Snyder: ...Didn't
Snyder: Didn't we win?
Eizabeth: Uhhhh, yeah!
Eizabeth: But we let you!
Eizabeth: Because we wanted to be nice to our rivals!
Snyder: ...The Yellowstone Magic?
Stu: I thought they were rivals with the Fridays honestly.
Eizabeth: Wait
Eizabeth: You don't see us as rivals?
Stu: Uh
Stu: No?
Eizabeth:
Eizabeth: the fuck dude
Stu: I mean you guys are nice???? Winnie Hess follows me on facebook? She seems cool? But like-I think the Moist Talkers are honestly better rivals.
Snyder: And the Dallas Steaks are pretty tough to beat. Now THERE'S a good rival.
Eizabeth: BUT OUR HISTORY! OUR BATTLES!
Snyder: Oh you know who'd be a good rival?
Snyder: Crabs.
Stu: Yeah but they ascended.
Snyder: So we can't lose!
Stu: Oh hell yeah!
Snyder: Hey Eizabeth?
Eizabeth: what?
Snyder: When's the next bus to Manhattan?
Eizabeth: Wait Manhattan New York or Manhattan Kansas?
Stu: The second one.
Eizabeth: Uhhh like now.
CHAPTER 34-SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE JAYLEN HOTDOGFINGERS
Stu: Oh hey Jaylen.
Jaylen: Oh hey.
Snyder: Hey so a lot of your shit is still at Choux Stadium.
Snyder: Do you uh
Snyder: Want it back?
Jaylen: Probably.
Jaylen: I'm not gonna lie I think I need an extended vacation at this point.
Snyder: Yeah.
Jaylen: What're you two up to?
Snyder: Oh we're saving every possible version of ourselves from the cops.
Jaylen: Lit.
Jaylen: Anyway this is my stop-
*Jaylen gets off at Topeka Station*
Snyder: Well I guess that's who this bus's celebrity was-
Justin McElroy: Hey
Snyder: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
CHAPTER 35-Outside the IPD
*Ext. Interdimensional Police Department
Stu: Hey so we're here.
Snyder: How do we wanna play this? We could see about busting right through that back window-
Stu: Yeah, but that looks like wired glass. It'd cut us up pretty bad if we tried to go through. I say we try the vent-
Snyder: Hm, vent's a good option. I think we go around back and see if there's a dumpster we could use to boost up to the roof-
Riddlemaster: GREETINGS TRAVELERS!
CHAPTER 36- RIDDLEMASTER RETURNS
Stu:
Stu: Pfft
Stu: Heh.
Riddlemaster: If you want to get into the-
Snyder: Stu don't laugh he's-snrk-trying his best.
Stu: Snyder this is so funny.
Riddlemaster: Ok guys, really?
Stu: Dude, being the Riddlemaster for a bunch of cops is somehow a downgrade.
Stu: And, reminder, you were the Riddlemaster for a pile of garbage.
Snyder: Yeah, I don't know how you went DOWN from garbage but
Snyder: Bravo dude.
Riddlemaster: Are you going to answer my riddle or not?
Snyder: Uh, no?
Stu: Yeah, what are you gonna do?
Snyder: You got little cigarette arms.
Stu: What're you gonna do? Slap us to death?
Snyder: Yeah.
Riddlemaster: Ok-Who is that with a neck and no head, two arms and no hands? What is it?
Stu: That's from Riddles.com again you moron!
Snyder: How the hell have you gotten worse at riddles?
Stu: This is like your one job.
Snyder: And you're named Riddlemaster, I'm probably better at Riddles!
Stu: They should be Riddlemaster!
Riddlemaster: Alright you know what?
*Riddlemaster pulls out a gun*
CHAPTER 37-HOLY SHIT RIDDLEMASTER CAME PACKIN
Snyder: woah
Stu: dude holy shit
Riddlemaster: That's right, I have a gun now! And you'd better answer my riddle or I swear to god-
Stu: uhhhh
Snyder: can you repeat it?
Riddlemaster: Who is that with a neck and no head, two arms and no hands? What is it?
Snyder: A clock shaped like a neck?
Riddlemaster: What
Stu: Oh, a person with no head or hands?
Riddlemaster: No.
Stu: I am right.
Snyder: She is correct technically.
Riddlemaster: No you morons it's a shirt!
Stu: Is it a shirt?
Riddlemaster:
Riddlemaster: I told you that!
Snyder: Yeah, you suck at being a riddlemaster.
Stu: Can't go around telling people the riddle solutions.
Riddlemaster: Alright that's it, killin' ya both!
Snyder: Wait!
Snyder: What if...
Snyder: I tell YOU a riddle, and YOU can't solve it.
Riddlemaster: I am a master of riddles!
Riddlemaster: It is quite literally my title!
Snyder: So it should be easy for you.
Riddlemaster: Fine. I accept your challenge.
Snyder: Alright, what has
Snyder: Three legs
Snyder: One eye
Snyder: A million hands
Snyder: Old as time itself
Snyder: But is uh
Snyder: As young as a newborn.
Snyder: And you can't see it but it's always there.
Snyder: Also it has a sister who lives in a one-story circle house on a Sunday with her chickens.
Riddlemaster: Uhmmmmmmm
Riddlemaster: Hrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Riddlemaster: That is a tricky one, but I-
*Snyder shoves the Riddlemaster and runs past them*
Snyder: Stu let's go!
Stu: Oh.
Stu: Oh!
*Stu runs past the Riddlemaster*
Stu: Wait Snyder
Stu: What was the answer?
Snyder: I was making it up as I went along. Riddles suck.
CHAPTER 38- STU MAKES A PHONE CALL
Stu: Sorry I gotta call Fitz.
*Ring Ring*
Fitzgerald: Hey Stu what's up?
Stu: Hey.
Stu: Tillman said that uhhhhh
Stu: Night Court is a bad show.
Fitzgerald:
INTERLUDE 4 FITZGERALD HAS COME TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT
Fitzgerald: TILLMAN HENDERSON IS A BITCHASS MOTHERFUCKER
Fitzgerald: He pissed on my fucking show. That's right. He took his tiny fuckin' pitching stat out and he pissed on my FUCKING show, and he said his stat was THIS BIG, and I said that's disgusting. So I'm making a callout post on my Twitter.com. Tillman Henderson, you got a small pitching stat. It's the size of this walnut except WAY smaller. And guess what? Here's what my stat looks like.
Fitzgerald: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Fitzgerald: That's right, baby. 3 stars, no bad vibes, no modifiers, look at that, it looks like 3 stars and a half. He shit on my show, so guess what, I'm gonna fuck Baltimore. That's right, this is what you get! My SUPER LASER PITCH! Except I'm not gonna pitch at BALTIMORE. I'm gonna go higher. I'm PITCHING at the MOOOON! How do you like that, PARKER? I PITCHED AT THE MOON, YOU IDIOT! You have twenty-three hours before the pitch DROPLETS hit the fucking earth, now get out of my fucking strike zone before I pitch at you too!
Esme:
Esme: What the fu-
CHAPTER 39-STU AND SNYDER GO INTO A VENT
*Int IPD Roof
*Several dimensional cops are being crushed by parts of the moon. Most flee the station.*
Stu: Ok that should distract them for a while.
Snyder: Is
Snyder: Is the moon going to be okay?
Stu: It's fine. Worse things have happened to/on it.
Snyder:
Snyder: Gross.
Snyder: Hey you think we should come up with a name?
Snyder: For us?
Stu: What like a team name?
Snyder: Yeah.
Snyder: We've been doin' cool shit for like four days and we still havent come up with a name.
Stu:
Stu: The Alt Rockers.
Snyder: Stiggs.
Stu: Dos Compadres
Snyder: Aladdin 2 : Return of Jafar.
Stu: Glory Soles
Snyder: Gross.
Stu: Cleat Loaf?
Snyder: Do either of us steal cleats?
Stu:
Snyder: I don't think we can come up with a good name on the spot honestly-
Stu: Smoke and Fear Her.
Snyder: Ok that's really good but like-
Stu: Yeah because you're smoking and people should fear me.
Stu: Because I'm awesome
Snyder: Yeah!!!!
Snyder: It's kind long but
Snyder: We need to workshop that when we get back.
Stu: Yeah for the time being I think we should stick with like-
Stu: I think Stiggs was good honestly.
Stu: Let's stick with Stiggs.
Snyder: Fine.
Stu: Let's go in this vent.
*They go into the vent*
*They land in two chairs in front of a desk*
Interdimensional Police Chief Mallory O'Mallory: Hi. You're under arrest.
CHAPTER 40-STIGGS GET ARRESTED
Stu: Shit.
Snyder: Wait, hold on, we're here for the-
O'Mallory: The remote?
*O'Mallory holds up the remote, which is in a glass case.*
O'Mallory: Yeah, we know. And we're not letting you get it.
Stu: Wait, why?
O'Mallory: Because-
*They pull down a chart*
O'Mallory: Between you two, and all possible versions of you two, you amount for 12% of all known shoe crimes in the multiverse. So if we simply wait for you two to be erased-We've singlehandedly made the world less shoe-thefty.
Stu: Only 12%?
Snyder: Wait, is it like a 50-50 split or
O'Mallory: 40%-60%.
Stu: ...In favor of?
O'Mallory: I'll never tell.
Stu: Oh you ass.
*O'Mallory claps their hands*
O'Mallory: Well, the world is a much better place if you two are gone regardless.
Stu: Uh, not for us.
Snyder: How do you know we came here for the remote?
O'Mallory: Why don't you bring them in?
*Enter Snyder? in handcuffs.*
Snyder?: ...I told you guys to stay put.
Snyder: Hi me!
Stu: Hi Snyder!
Snyder?: ...It doesn't matter. If Stu can't touch the remote, we're doomed.
O'Mallory: Yeah. Oh well. Sucks to suck I guess.
Snyder: ACGB.
O'Mallory: I'm sorry what?
Snyder: ACGB.
O'Mallory: I think you mean ACAB.
Snyder: No I mean ACGB. It stands for-
CHAPTER 41-ALL COPS GET BURNT
*Int O'Mallory's Office
*Int Also on Fire
Stu: Oh right, fire powers.
Stu: I completely forgot.
Snyder: See, now they're useful!
Snyder?: Are
Snyder?: Are they dead?
O'Mallory: No.
Snyder?: Shit!
O'Mallory: I am a transdimensional police chief with a grudge, you think I'm going to lose to FIRE?
Stu: You are the worst character ever created.
Snyder: Yeah.
O'Mallory: Anyway.
O'Mallory: Takin' the remote.
*Exit O'Mallory via window.*
Snyder:...Ok we should probably leave.
Snyder?: Yeah. Stiggiggs, away!
Stu: Wait, Stiggiggs?
Snyder?: Yeah, because there's two Snyders and one Stu.
Stu: So if there were two Stus and One Snyder it's be SStiggs?
Snyder?: Correct.
Stu: Wow.
Stu: Okay let's blow this joint.
CHAPTER 42-REVERSE COP CHASE
Snyder: You know, burning down an otherworldly police station was honestly super rad.
Stu: Yeah. Put it on your LinkedIn.
Snyder: Oh you bet your ass I am.
Snyder?: That cop is gettin' away!
Snyder: Ok. We gotta chase after them.
Snyder?: OK, you guys take my KIA.
Snyder: Wait, I drive a KIA?
Snyder?: Yeah. It's a decent vehicle.
Snyder?: I'll take a bus and ride over to try and cut them off.
Snyder: Ok.
Snyder?: And one more thing-
Snyder: Yeah?
Snyder?: ...
Snyder?: Please don't damage my KIA.
Snyder: Ok. I promise I won't damage your KIA.
CHAPTER 43-SNYDER BREAKS THEIR PROMISE
Stu: Holy shit you almost immediately crashed this car.
Snyder: I
Snyder: Never learned how to drive in this reality.
Stu: How?!
Snyder: I took the bus! A lot!
Stu: You...
Stu: Whatever, I'll drive.
Snyder: Well, don't damage it either.
Stu: I promise to not damage this car any worse than you did.
CHAPTER 44-STU BREAKS HER PROMISE
Stu: Oops.
Snyder: You crashed into the exact same wall I did.
Stu: Yeah, turns out cars and blimps are very different.
Stu: Anyway I think I got the hang of it.
CHAPTER 45-STIGGS FIGHTS OVER CHASE MUSIC
*Int Prime Snyder's KIA.
Snyder: All I'm saying is that Stylo is objectively the best chase music Gorillaz has ever produced.
Stu: Yeah, but it's overused. That's why we should go for MGMT's Kids. Top of my "Car chased/chasing playlist 2019 Mix"
Snyder: That's a little...too out there.
Stu: Yeah, but it'll be sick-
Snyder: Ok, how about Weezer's Island in the Sun?
Stu: Look, if I wanted to do anything with Rivers Cuomo it'd be punching him in the mouth.
Snyder: Fair.
Stu: Ok, uh...Compromise. Out of Touch?
Snyder: It isn't Thursday.
Stu: Ah, fair.
Snyder: Wait-
Snyder: Have you ever watched Initial D?
Stu: I swear to god-
*GAS GAS GAS Starts playing*
Stu: ...Snyder.
Stu: You weeb.
CHAPTER 46-SNYDER CALLS THEMSELF
*ring ring*
Snyder?: Yeah?
Snyder: Where are you?
Snyder?: Change of plans, I'm taking the airship.
Snyder: Oh.
Snyder: Wait what?
Snyder?: It's faster. I'm gonna try to land it on that cop bastard, alright?
Snyder: Alright.
Snyder?: ...Did you crash my KIA?
Snyder: Uh...
Snyder: Technically I crashed OUR KIA.
Snyder?: I hate you, me.
Snyder?: Anyway, I need to make a...
Snyder?: Detour, first.
Snyder?: Okay?
Snyder: Fine. Just make it quick.
INTERLUDE 5 Hotbox Gets a Very Special Visitor
*int Choux Stadium Lounge
Gunther: Hey Hotbox, look at all this treasure I found!
Hotbox: Wait that was all under the couch? That's gotta be like-
Hotbox: 20 dollars in dimes.
Gunther: Yeah. I'm gonna buy 80 gumballs from the machine.
Hotbox: Go for it you glorious penguin.
*Exit Gunther.*
*Enter Prime Snyder*
Snyder?: Hey Hotbox.
Hotbox: Oh! You're back. I thought you were looking for the remote.
Snyder?: Nah. They've got it covered. I just wanted to chill for a bit.
Hotbox: Oh cool. Seinfeld is on-It's The Bet episode.
Snyder?: Oh! That's like the best one!
Hotbox: Damn right.
*Snyder? sits next to Hotbox and they watch Seinfeld.*
Snyder?:
Snyder?: I've missed this.
Hotbox: What do you mean?
Snyder?: Hm?
Hotbox: We do this all the time, dude.
Snyder?: No yeah I meant that-
Snyder?: Nevermind.
Hotbox: Alright.
Jerry Seinfeld: WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE CHICAGO FIREFIGHTERS? THEIR LOGO IS FIRE, BUT THEY SAY THEY FIGHT IT!
Snyder?: I really missed this.
CHAPTER 47-THE THIRD WORST BLIMP ACCIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF KANSAS
Snyder: Hey look, O'Mallory stopped.
Stu: Yeah and they've.
Stu: They've got a gun.
Stu: Oh hell dude.
*Stu swerves to avoid getting shot, ends up crashing the KIA into a tree. The Engine putters and dies. They are effectively trapped.*
Snyder: Stu can you get out?
Stu: Nope.
Snyder: Me neither. And it looks like O'Mallory is coming over here.
Stu: Well.
Stu: I guess there are worse ways to go out.
Snyder: Yeah.
Snyder: I mean, trying to save all alternate versions of yourself via stealing a remote from the cops is cool.
Stu: Mmm.
Stu: Whatever, we're popular enough. We'll probably get rezzed Next Season.
Snyder: Ooh I hope I become a HallStar!
Stu: Yeah-You will.
Snyder: Hey Stu?
Stu: Yeah?
Snyder: ...Is there a solar eclipse planned for today?
Stu: Maybe.
Snyder: Huh. And is the moon now-
Snyder: Blimp shaped?
Stu: Oh.
Stu: Oh my god my blimp.
O'Mallory: Ooh Stiggggs~ I'm comin for ya~
Snyder: How do they NOT notice the blimp about to crash on them?
Stu: Just.
Stu: Distract them.
*O'Mallory approaches the car.
O'Mallory: Alright you stupid idiots-
Stu: Stupid idiots? Like there smart idiots?
Snyder: "Stupid idiots" are you like 12? Say fuck like an adult.
Stu: Yeah fucker.
Snyder: Say it.
Stu: Say it pig say the fuck word.
O'Mallory: Fine.
*O'Mallory raises their gun.*
O'Mallory: FUC-
*Stu's Blimp crashes directly on top of O'Mallory. There is an explosion. Everything goes white.*
*Police Chief O'Mallory was incinerated!*
CHAPTER 48-SNYDERS HAVE A HEART TO HEART
Snyder: Snyder!
Stu: ...Uh...Stu!
Snyder: No, Prime me.
*Snyder burns down the car door, freeing Themself.*
Snyder:
*Snyder? crawls out of the blimp wreckage.*
Snyder?: I think I got them.
Snyder: Yeah. ACGHBB.
Snyder?: ...I think I'm actually gonna die.
Snyder: Oh no you're not. Stu, get the remote!
Stu: What? From the wreckage?
Snyder?: Stu, you have to find the remote. Only then can you send me back to their dimension.
Snyder: Yeah, we have really good healthcare.
Snyder: If we send them there they should live.
Stu: Got it.
Stu: Wait-Snyder aren't you immune to fire? And isn't standing close to Prime Snyder bad for reality?
Snyder?: No, see if Snyder grabs the remote I'll probably die because of dimensional bullshit.
Snyder: Yeah, it has to be you. I'll stay with them.
Stu:
Stu: Fine. But all versions of Snyder now collectively owe me.
*Stu runs into the burning wreckage.*
Snyder: Why did you crash the blimp?
Snyder?: ...I talked to Hotbox. It's not in your reality. Hotbox never existed in your reality. But you still hang out with it. Just like I did.
Snyder?: ...Why?
Snyder: Because...It needs us, right?
Snyder: Even if you don't hang out with all my friends in my reality, I feel like
Snyder: It's only right.
Snyder: Then again you only had like one friend in this reality so it wasn't even super hard.
Snyder?: ...Take care of this universe, me.
Snyder?: Please.
Snyder: ...
Snyder: Of course.
CHAPTER 49-STU DIVES INTO BURNING WRECKAGE
*Stu crawls through the wreckage.*
*Smoke blinds her but she is drawn to one corner*
*It's familiar. It's almost as if a part of her is in that corner too*
*The world is swirling. There is no light. But she reaches out-*
*In the palm of her hand, she feels it.*
*She's found it.*
CHAPTER 50-STU FINDS THE REMOTE
Stu: ...Wow.
Stu:
Stu:
Stu:
CHAPTER 51-STU FALLS UNCONSCIOUS DUE TO SMOKE INHALATION
Stu:
Snyder: I'm coming in!
*Snyder grabs Stu as the blimp explodes around them.*
*They get out*
*Just in time.*
Snyder: Wow.
Snyder: That was intense.
*Stu wakes up*
Stu: More like...
Stu: Inblimpse.
Snyder: eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Stu: eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Snyder + Stu: Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Stu: Wait shit my blimp exploded.
Stu: Fuck.
CHAPTER 52-RIDING THE BUS HOME
Stu: I can't believe I have to pay for Blimp repairs.
Snyder: Well, I think your insurance covers Dimensional Hijinks.
Stu: Wait are they dimensional hijinks or reality hijinks?
Stu: Because I think there's a difference in my coverage there.
Snyder: Really?
Stu: Yeah Allstate is a motherfucker.
Snyder: Oh.
Snyder: ...Oh look!
Rick Astley: Hey.
Snyder: Rick, I love you, but after all we've been through...
Snyder: You're just not all that exciting, man.
Rick: I get it.
Rick: I totally get it.
Snyder: Mmmm.
Snyder: Hey there's an iHOP.
Stu: Yeah.
CHAPTER 53-Stu and Snyder eat at iHOP
*Int iHOP.
Stu: So do you like iHOP.
Snyder: Eh.
Stu: Eh?
Snyder: They have good pancakes. Not as good as Denny's.
Stu: Oh. Ok.
Snyder: ...Man, I should stop eating so much fast food.
Stu: I've been taking cooking classes.
Snyder: Oh?
Stu: Mhm. They're really good. It's like 30 minutes every Wednesday.
Snyder: That sounds nice.
Snyder:
Stu:
Snyder: I was thinking of getting my real estate license.
Stu: Yeah?
Stu: Go for it.
Snyder: Yeah because I figure.
Snyder: When else am I gonna have the free time?
Snyder: With everything that's happened I think we deserve a break.
Stu: ...Well.
Stu: What happened to alternate you anyway?
Snyder: Oh they disappeared.
Snyder: Probably back to my reality.
Snyder: I hope they made it back ok.
Stu: You're a smart person. I'm sure if they'll be fine.
Snyder: Aw.
CHAPTER 54-STU EXPLAINS WHY NIGHT COURT IS GOOD
*int Bus
Stu: It's like.
Stu: Just a funny show dude.
Snyder: Yeah but it's not memorable at all.
Snyder: It's like a B-tier sitcom at best.
Stu: Take that back.
Snyder: Never.
Jeff Melman: Yeah, take that back.
Stu: Yo, Jeff Melman? Director of Night Court, Saved by the Bell, Malcolm in the Middle, Grey's Anatomy, and Nominee of 6 primetime Emmys?
Jeff Melman: Yeah.
Stu: ...These buses fucking rock!
Jeff Melman: Mhm. That's why all the celebrities ride them.
CHAPTER 55-ALL GOOD THINGS
*Int Choux Stadium Lounge
Stu: I'm so glad we're back in the dugout.
Snyder: Yeah.
Snyder: Hey I just realized.
Snyder: Whatever happened to my pants?
CHAPTER 21.5 NEIL'S NEW KICKS
Neil Cicierega : These pants rock.
CHAPTER 55.5 MUST COME TO AN END
Snyder: Oh.
Stu: ...Anyway, wanna watch Night Court with me and Hotbox?
Snyder: Well actually we should probably like.
Snyder: Shower?
Snyder: We were gone for like a week and three of those days were spent on or in garbage.
Stu: Oh.
Stu: Yeah.
Stu: Wait won't that wash off the Miku signing on your forehead?
Snyder: ...I'll cover it.
Stu: Be careful.
CHAPTER 56-NIGHT COURT SEASON 5 EPISODE 19
Harry: How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?
Bull: I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.
Harry:: Oxymoron.
Bull: If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.
Harry: No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, jumbo shrimp.
Christine: Bitter sweet.
Dan: Free love.
Bull: I understand.
Mac: Yeah, that's a good one too.
Snyder: Okay this show is pretty funny.
Stu: I know, right?
Stu: But it's a little loud-Here.
*Stu grabs the remote and turns down the volume*
Stu: There.
Stu: All better.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INTERLUDE 6-SIMON AND HOWELL GO STARGAZING
Ext. Choux Stadium, 11 PM
Simon: Wow.
Howell: I totally get why your dad did this for a living.
Simon: Thanks for being here.
Howell: Hey, as long as the moon isn't full I am 100% game to look at the night sky.
Simon: ...So did Stu tell you the story of the remote.
Howell: Yeah a lot of that didn't make sense.
Howell: Like if the remote was a dimensional anomaly wouldn't the Reality Police have found it sooner?
Howell: And does Stu bringing it over imply this reality had a remote too? And if so, why couldn't we find that one?
Simon: Yeah, and when did Prime Snyder learn how to drive a blimp?
Howell: Also wasn't the blimp like also from Stu's home reality?
Howell: Or are they implying the blimp is custom made, in which case how rich is Stu?
Simon: Yeah-Oh look Big Dipper-Yeah it doesn't track. Plus a bunch of the personalities were different.
Howell: See it just makes no sense. Plus she used the word "Like" and "oh" way too many times.
Howell: At least Prime Reality Stu didn't show up.
Simon: Yeah I think that'd be really problematic.
Howell: Oh-Oh and they didn't steal any shoes in the entire story!
Simon: Pathetic.
Howell: Wait a minute-That's not right. She's not supposed to be here...
Simon: What?
Howell: ...I think someone came by to visit.
*The night is lit up by a brilliant streak going across the sky.
Simon: Oh.
Simon: Hi mom!
*THE END*