Chapter Text
“Abigail Lockhart?”
Abby turns around to face a young OB-nurse who, she notes, holds a remarkable resemblance to Coburn.
“Janet - sorry, um, Dr. Coburn - told me that you guys know each other?”
“Yeah, we used to work together.”
Abby is really not in the mood for a conversation. To her relief, the nurse can sense this and chooses to simply nod in response, leading her into a large, bright room that clearly doubles as an exam room and an office. It couldn’t be more different from the OB-floor at County - not only is everything almost too new and shiny, but there is a big houseplant in the corner and a number of abstract paintings hung up on the walls. In fact, while a GYN bed and an ultrasound machine are standing in the middle of the room, they are hardly its only (or even its most prominent) feature. Abby realizes that this is probably not the room where they carry out surgical abortions - that must be somewhere else.
“You can sit down, Coburn will be right in.” The nurse gestures towards a chair positioned next to a desk and leaves. Abby looks around, hangs her coat and purse up from a coat rack by the door and sits down. A computer with a fancy-looking screen takes up much of the desk, but there is a framed picture of Coburn’s children next to it. Abby is taken aback by how much they have grown since she last saw them - they used to visit their mother at County when they were a lot younger. They look like real people with real personalities now.
“Sorry for the wait.” Coburn walks in and sits down in her chair. She studies Abby with her eyes. “So…"
Just the supportive look is enough. As much as she wants to, Abby can’t hold back her tears any more than she could earlier that day. She then attempts to downplay her inner turmoil by apologizing and giving an embarrassed laugh, but Coburn sees through it and holds out a box of tissues that has been sitting on her desk.
“There’s no need to apologize, Abby. You are hardly the first person to cry in this room - you if anyone should know that.”
Abby laughs again, taking a tissue. “Yeah, yeah I know, I just… I just always thought that if I’m ever here again...”
“Pregnant?”
Abby nods, but can’t finish her sentence.
“You thought it would be because you wanted to.” Coburn smiles. “You thought the choice would have been made already.”
Abby nods again. Coburn was good. She had that valuable skill of being both kind and assertive simultaneously, which was an especially welcome trait in situations like this.
“Okay, Abby, here’s what we’re going to do.” Coburn sits up, clasps her hands on the desk in front of her and continues: “you know your options - and what they entail - already, so there’s no point in me explaining them to you. Instead, I’d like to hear where you’re at. As you know, I can’t make the decision for you. However, I’m happy to try and help you make that decision as objectively as I can.”
Abby thanks her quietly and looks down at her own clasped hands, taking a moment to collect her thoughts. “I, um …” the tears are back “… I don’t know...” she looks up at Coburn and states, almost matter-of-factly, what she told Luka over Christmas: “I’m 37 years old. If not now, when?”
“Ah.” Coburn gives her a knowing look. “Listen, Abby, I’d be lying if I told you that your fertility is not declining - and I know you know that - but that doesn't mean you wouldn’t be able to conceive ever again. Now, that being said, I gather that this is something you might want, whether that’s now or later. So let me ask you this: Why not now?”
Abby lets out a laugh again. “Yeah… Why not now?” She pauses to think, and after a while goes on quietly: “I think you’re right, I think I do want this. I just… I can’t stop my brain from coming up with reasons not to”.
“That’s perfectly normal.”
“Well, it’s driving me crazy.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Coburn smiles encouragingly.
To Abby’s own surprise, she really doesn’t want to - but not because that used to be her default response to everything, to avoid showing or talking about her emotions - but because “talking about those reasons” was what she had been doing for the past couple of weeks. In fact, it felt like that had been the only thing she had talked and thought about in days. And, as much as she hated to admit it, Luka had successfully (and incredibly patiently) countered each one of her arguments. Except for one.
Coburn seems to weigh something in her head and decides to ask, albeit very cautiously: “Are you afraid of relapsing?”
Abby shakes her head. “It’s not that. I mean, yes, but no.” She was worried about her alcoholism, yes, but the same way she was worried about the possibility of the baby being bipolar. All there is is risk. “I don’t know… I don’t know if I’m in a long-term relationship.”
Coburn looks curious. It is clear that they have both been tiptoeing around the question of who the father was, but in her professionalism - and due to her respect for Abby’s privacy regardless of her role as an OB - Coburn has avoided bringing it up.
“You’re afraid you’d be doing this alone?”
“Yes… No… I don’t know.” Was she? Or was she afraid of the opposite? Of committing to a relationship that had barely even started? “I don’t know that I would be… Doing this alone.” Trying to fight her tears, Abby has been looking down and talking to her own feet. She looks up at Coburn again, tilts her head and purses her lips. Then, she smiles in an almost defeated manner, as if to say “yeah, I know, you got me”, and confesses: “It’s Luka.”
“Kovač?”, even if only for a brief moment, Coburn fails to hide her excitement. It is her turn to look down.
“Yes.” Abby notices the change in Coburn’s demeanor and raises her eyebrows: “What?”
“Well, I can’t say that I’m surprised.”
“That’s not helping.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, Coburn recovers a more serious tone and continues: “Does he know?”
“Yeah.”
“And he doesn’t want you to keep it?”
While the tears are back - Abby has given up trying to fight them - the question makes her laugh. She shakes her head. When I say I want us to keep it, you don’t like the way it sounds. But anything else is a lie. “No, he does… He does.”
“Abby?”
“No… He really does… and he deserves it, I want him to have it.”
“Have what?”
“A family - Janet, he lost his wife and children in Croatia.”
Coburn nods: “I know.”
They both go quiet. Coburn seems to have decided to give Abby the time she needs to gather her thoughts, and Abby is determined to stop the tears before she says anything. When she feels like she has successfully pulled herself together, she puts into words the one thought she has been trying to avoid: “I’m happy.”
This declaration surprises Coburn, who gives Abby an inquisitive look.
“I’m happy with him.” She shrugs her shoulders. “I haven’t been happy with anyone in a really, really long time. Not like this.”
“I’m failing to understand why that would be bad.”
“I can’t have a child just to save my relationship... A relationship that started a month ago.”
“Didn’t you just tell me that you want a baby yourself?”
“Yes, but…” Abby shakes her head.
“But?”
“Oh come on - I can't make that kind of a commitment, Janet. That’s not me - I… I run away.”
“What would happen if you didn’t run away?”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“Exactly. And correct me if I’m wrong, but this isn’t just any relationship, Abby. You’ve dated Luka before. And you’ve known him for… How many years?”
“Well, almost six, but -”
“Almost six years.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.”
“Of course it does.”
Abby looks down. She knows that it does, of course it does. You’re looking for reasons again. “I don’t want to trap him”, she whispers after a while.
“Trap him? Abby, look at me - ”, Coburn stares at Abby, who looks up reluctantly. “Luka would not be settling.”
Abby rolls her eyes.
Ignoring the gesture, Coburn goes on: “So, what you’re telling me is that you want to have this baby and Luka wants to have this baby, but that you are afraid it might be too soon.”
“Yes - I...”
“Look, that’s a totally rational fear. It might be too soon, and it might not be. But that’s not something anyone will ever know for sure, is it? You just have to make a decision and trust that you made the right one - which you will.”
“Yeah”, Abby answers quietly. Luka said something very similar that morning. She hesitates. “Could I see it?”
“The baby?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure?”
Abby nods.
“You do know how that’s likely to make you feel?”
“I know.”
“Okay, of course you can.”
Coburn gets up, washes her hands and switches on the ultrasound machine while Abby climbs on the bed, scoops up and lifts the hem of her shirt. Coburn applies ultrasound gel on Abby’s belly, takes the transducer in her hand and turns the screen of the machine so that they can both see it.
“Well, you are definitely pregnant.”
Abby doesn’t say anything. She looks at the screen - the little grey blob that is surrounded by a black amniotic sac - and is overwhelmed by emotion. The tears are coming back, but this time they are different. Coburn lets her take it in before she continues.
“Now, did you say that you and Luka have been back together for a month?”
“A month and a half or so, yeah.”
“Abby, it looks like you’re about 11 weeks - you conceived over two months ago.”
“Ah… yeah.” Abby smiles. Realizing that Coburn is clearly concerned, she quickly continues: “It’s Luka - we… uh… we took some time...”
“To figure out how you feel?”
“Yeah, but I’m not sure that we did... Figure that out.”
“I wish that was something I could help you with. But let me say this: it sounds like you probably did.” Coburn sits down on a stool next to the bed and looks at Abby patiently.
Abby has taken the transducer into her own hand and is staring at the screen. “I can’t do it.”
“You can’t do what?”
“The abortion.” Still looking at the screen, Abby continues more assuredly: “I want to keep it.” Having made the decision, saying it out loud was a relief.
Coburn smiles. “Are you sure about that?”
“Yes.”
Abby finally takes her eyes off the baby and looks at Coburn, who responds with a gentle nod and stands up. She takes the transducer from Abby and wipes the gel off her belly. “Well, in that case we better schedule you in for another check-up. We’re running out of time.”
“Oh God - I’m sorry!”
“Don’t apologize.” Coburn waves her hand dismissively. She walks up to her desk, logs into her computer and starts typing. Abby sits up and studies the painting closest to her on the wall. It is mainly different shades of blue, except for a smooth, white object that reminds her of a scapula in the bottom right corner. It’s very Georgia O’Keeffe. Weirdly calming too, which can’t be a coincidence. It’s funny, really - how the room felt so intimidating when she walked in, but now that she’s no longer terribly conflicted, it is actually very welcoming… She’s having a baby. With Luka.
“Abby?”
Abby looks up and realizes that Coburn has been talking to her. “Sorry, what?”
“Would you like to schedule another appointment now?”
“Um, I’d like to talk to Luka first - if that’s ok”, Abby says, and then adds quietly: “He’d want to be there.”
“Of course. In that case, just give Katie a call and she’ll work you in.”
“Katie?”
“My niece - ah - my receptionist.”
Abby nods. That explains the resemblance.
Coburn looks like she wants to say something, but isn’t exactly sure what it is. “Abby?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you ok?”
“I am, yeah.” Making the decision has been a relief, but Abby’s fears haven’t vanished. She isn’t ready to celebrate yet.
“You know you can call me whenever - I’ll be there, either as your sponsor or as your OB.”
“Thank you.”
Coburn continues tentatively: “Abby, this is good. I’m happy for you... you’ll make a great mother.”
“Thanks… Thank you Janet, really. I hope... I hope you’re right.”
“I am.”