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“You’re leaving.”
A bird chirps somewhere outside, in the distance and far away. It’s sunny out there; a beautiful day that would make for a great walk at a park or for a bike ride. Namjoon is probably on one already.
And yet, as Seokjin watches Yoongi sorting out his travel bags into a neat pile in the corner near the front door, he thinks that even such beautiful weather couldn’t slightly change the gloom he feels surrounding him.
Because Yoongi’s leaving. He’s going to put on his shoes, get out of the door which Seokjin has been staring at for a while now, and who knows when he’ll be looking back at it again. Who knows.
“I have to, hyung.” Yoongi’s voice is flat and his words simple, and he’s speaking them more to the furniture than him.
Hyung. Another intangible blow to Seokjin’s chest. He is Yoongi’s only hyung and that alone makes the gloom even darker. And as he stands rooted in his spot on one square tile, Seokjin thinks about the many things he wants to tell Yoongi before he goes. Or maybe to keep him from going all together.
But Seokjin doesn’t know where to start. He’s been wanting to say a lot of things for so long, and now he’s running out of time.
“Yoongi…” Inside his chest, his heart beats faster. Not a surprise at all. Yoongi makes his heart skip a beat often. “You can stay. You don’t need…”
A veiny, raised hand stops him. Seokjin loves those hands. “I do, hyung. I can’t- I can’t expect things to change without doing something about it. I need to go.”
And you know what really fucking sucks? How okay Yoongi makes himself sound. Like he’s only leaving to grab a fucking carton of milk or something. Yoongi pretends like he’s okay all the time and Seokjin hates it. Like he hates how red he can feel his neck already turning right now. It always does that. Just like Yoongi always feels the need to put up a front.
It started about two months ago. Seokjin is still unsure as to what ‘it’ is, but something was happening. It had been a work day; they were all huddled onto a table discussing their next project and dividing tasks between them. It was all going well and things were getting done, until Yoongi snapped.
He had snapped at Seokjin first when the oldest suggested for Yoongi to take on a particular part of the project. But Seokjin had only said it because Yoongi is the best out of all of them at many things, and they trust him to take care of it.
Still, maybe they trust him to do that too often. And Yoongi got angry- much angrier than they had all ever seen him- and told them that he doesn’t want to be the one that always does everything.
He had stormed out of the room, and then quickly returned to apologise to everyone. Told them he wasn’t feeling well. Seokjin knew better. Knew him better.
So when he saw Yoongi get angry at the kettle for not boiling his coffee quick enough, and when he saw him kick at his most favourite equipment, Seokjin went to his studio.
It was nine at night and they stayed together till four in the morning. And finally, Yoongi talked. He admitted that he’s feeling worn out and not much like himself. That his brain feels like it’s “sizzling away” from the moment he wakes up and returns to bed. He’s tired, no matter how much sleep he gets.
“I need a break,” Yoongi had voiced out. “A long one. Alone.”
For them, a break means a week - maximum, and sometimes not even that long. Then, when the two of them were sprawled on the studio’s sofa, Yoongi wasn’t talking about a week.
Which brings them here, with Yoongi at the door ready to depart onto his long ‘break’ back to Daegu. He’s already said goodbye to the others, but not Seokjin. Their goodbye is still to happen. It’s happening right now.
Because Seokjin is his only hyung, and their goodbye is more difficult to get out than anyone else’s because the two of them kiss. They kiss when everyone else has gone to bed. They hold each other when they’re alone and they brush knees together under the dinner table when they aren’t. There’s no reason as to why it’s such a secret; they just like knowing it’s theirs.
Seokjin’s heart breaks its last thread. It’s difficult to breathe. “I want to come with you. Be with you. Yoongi-“
But of course, Yoongi shakes his head no. “You’re needed here, hyung. There can’t be two of us gone at the same time. We can’t leave them without a hyung to dote on them.”
It was meant as a little joke, but neither of them are smiling. It’s all too sad. Gloomy. Seokjin wants to shout that he needs him. He needs Yoongi right here with him.
But he keeps his mouth shut and nods. “You’ll text me?”
“Depends on reception.” And when he sees Seokjin’s face fall, adds, “But I’ll write you notes, little ones, wherever I am. And then you can read them and keep them.”
“Okay… Okay.” Seokjin can’t handle this goodbye for one more second. Can’t handle accepting that Yoongi’s footsteps are only going to get more distant from here on. “Go.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll miss you,” he breathes out in a hurry before Yoongi’s fingers could reach the doorknob. There’s a tear running down his cheek now. “I’ll really fucking miss you, so you better get better quickly.”
And Seokjin is so angry that Yoongi chuckles; a low chuckle, not like his usual ones. But it’s a sound nonetheless, and Seokjin blames it for the way he runs forward to yoongi and pins him to the wall. He blames that damn chuckle for the way he captures his mouth into a hungry kiss that tells him everything between ‘I hate you for doing this’ and ‘I love you for it’.
“Yoongi,” he whispers through kisses made sloppy by tears. “Get back to me.”