Work Text:
January 7, 2024, 1:37AM
(Front Line: Floor 51)
With the advent of Laughing Coffin, my life had just gotten harder. I would always have to watch out for any suspicious-looking players or anyone with the orange cursor that branded them a criminal, all while killing monsters solo. All of this, combined with my routine of staying up late to grind levels, was terribly exhausting, though those who were guild members seemed to have it easier, since there were many of them, and they could all look out for each other.
As I sat down on the single, not-so-soft bed in my room and unequipped my coat and sword after a long day of clearing and level grinding, I half-expected to see and hear the door open, before realizing that the person in whom I sought shelter from my guilt and selfishness was not there.
It’s been said before that when people leave, they also leave a hole in your heart that simply cannot be filled by anyone but that person who left you.
The first hole was Asuna’s space. She left my party for the first time in almost five months to join the Knights of the Blood Oath. I was happy for her, and I also believed that the guild needed her; it would have been unfair to withhold such a powerful source of inspiration and hope from the player base. When she joined the KOB, she instantly became someone to be admired, to be looked up to. Simply put, she and the rest of the players were better off with her in that guild than if she stayed with me.
Anyway, I missed her, and I wanted companionship.
So, one day, when I was grinding in a dungeon on a lower floor for quest materials, I heard cries of anguish. Cries for help. I immediately ran to assist those players who might have gotten in over their heads, and when the crisis was resolved, they asked me to come with them so that they could treat me to dinner.
I didn’t have it in me to refuse, so when their leader, Keita, asked me to join them, I accepted.
They’re… all gone now.
And that time, it was my fault. I shouldn’t have allowed them to go to that dungeon. I shouldn’t have hidden my level; they would have listened if I didn’t!
I am no better than those criminal killers; I myself had caused the death of a small guild, not to mention the death of Coper.
Can’t somebody, anybody, help me?
I turned off the fireplace in the room, and sought refuge from my thoughts in sleep before I wouldn’t be able to do so.
I wasn’t successful.
You can’t just run away from your problems.
February 3, 2024 4:26AM
(Front Line: Floor 52)
I had woken up half an hour earlier than usual, but I couldn’t quite find it in myself to keep resting, so I didn’t get up from the small bed of my small inn room and equip my uniform. Instead, I just stared at the plain off-white ceiling of the room, which was dimly lit by the sun that was about to rise.
Today was yet another day that I would be constantly worrying about the members of my guild, and always hoping that nobody would die…
…because it would be my responsibility.
It has only been a few months since I’ve assumed my position as Vice Commander of the Knights of the Blood Oath, but I’m tired.
Every day, I would wake up early in the morning, equip my uniform and sword, and work towards clearing the floor labyrinth and defeating the boss monster within it alongside my guild. We would go as fast as possible without risking the lives of fellow players. As the Vice Commander, I was Heathcliff’s stand-in for most of the field work; I almost pitied the man because he was swamped in paperwork, only appearing to fight the Floor Bosses.
However, as his stand-in, I was responsible for the lives of everyone who entered the dungeon with me, and I can feel that responsibility, that burden weighing down on me; it was as if I was Atlas, holding up the sky.
When our guild ended its daily activities, I would go and grind levels. This would take me many, many hours, and I would usually end up sleeping for only four or five hours each day.
I wasn’t just tired either. I was lonely.
I was surrounded by guild members, but not friends. The close bond and deep trust that the rank-and-file members shared was something I craved, but I couldn’t just let it show; they would lose respect for me, and thus, become undisciplined.
That camaraderie also filled me with longing for a time that seemed so far away, a time when it felt like I was just on an adventure with a good friend, where we slew monsters, completed quests, and even enjoyed the scenery sometimes. Whenever I thought of that friend, I would become more and more grateful for everything he did for me, and for the time we spent together.
I need a friend who could stay by my side and support me. I know that I can’t take all of this pressure on my own.
With that, I take a deep breath, and I stand up once more. Today, we’ll fight the Floor 52 boss, and nobody’s going to die. I’ll do my best to make sure of it.
… but will my best be enough?