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Going into the closet, Renjun clenches his fists tightly. Keeping his eyes closed, he could think of several events in his life to which he wants to travel back to. Renjun turned eighteen yesterday, and in that instant, his father told him about their family’s hereditary ability to travel back in time. All the men in their bloodline could do it when they have reached that certain age. Even without any scientific explanation about it, Renjun listened to his father. All he needs to do is go into a confined place, clench his fists, and think of the specific date he wants to go back to. Renjun’s face lights up upon hearing his father’s sudden confession as if a sudden ray of hope shined on his gloomy life.
Getting out of his closet, he saw his figure from the reflection of the mirror and sees his 10-year-old self. Everything in his features is the same, except that he is quite smaller and is wearing a pair of navy-blue pajamas with little Christmas candy cane patterns on it. Looking at his reflection, he still could not believe that he traveled back in time right now. He figured, what his father told him is real. A sudden knock on the door is heard, then it swings open seconds after seeing your figure yelling for Renjun’s name. “Good morning sleepyhead, it’s already Christmas Eve! Come out quickly, we’ve got lots of exciting things to do,” you cheerfully say to your best friend who is standing frozen on his spot as he locks his eyes on yours. He could not utter a word or even blink his eyes. It did not bother you much because of how excited you are for today. You leave his room right after, it is taking Renjun a while to process what just happened. He has not heard your voice for a while. His heart flutters each time he hears you call his name, it’s like music to his ears.
“Renjun, look! It’s your favorite,” you approach him with a box of mini candy canes. Renjun smiles at you as you put the item in the shopping cart. You and Renjun head to the grocery store together with your mom to do the last-minute shopping since his mom is too busy preparing at home for the celebration tonight. This is not new to you or Renjun, it has been a tradition for you and his family to celebrate Christmas Eve together. Both of your families got closer ever since you and Renjun met. The rest of the day is hectic and tiring as you and Renjun organized the things needed for tonight’s occasion. From the parlor games, preparing the presents, up to setting up the dinner table. Renjun knows everything that will happen today, of course, because he experienced all of it already, but he did not mind experiencing all of it again just to spend more time with you. You are the reason he traveled back in time from the first place, looking forward to the next thing that will happen after all the chores you both did.
“Already tired? Come on Junnie, let’s not waste the rest of the afternoon,” you grab Renjun’s hand even before he could sit on the couch. Pretending to complain and reject your invitation, Renjun follows you as you hold on to his hand. Heading to the backyard, you see the snow piling up and you take this opportunity to play with your best friend. You take a handful of snowball and calls Renjun, you throw the ball on him as he faces your direction. Renjun tries to look pissed, even when he feels so happy deep inside because of already knowing what will happen next. You laugh hard to see his annoyed face, he will do anything just to see those smiling faces. He then takes his revenge and instead of throwing only one snowball on you like what he did the last time, he takes two and throws it all at once making you stumble on the ground. Renjun looks worried about your sudden silence, though he hurt you. He comes your way to check you out, seeing you lay with your eyes closed.
“Y/n, was it painful? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to,” he offers a hand for you to grab on, you take it, and instead of pulling yourself up, you pull him down with you on the ground full of snow. Renjun did not expect this to happen, but he felt happy despite your teasing. The backyard is filled with both of your laughter, it is echoing.
“Come, let’s make a snowman,” you get up right away, starting to shovel snow with your hands as you make a big ball for the snowman’s bottom. Renjun looks at you for a moment, thought of how energetic you always were. He wonders how someone could have that much energy in them, even after all the things you did that day. Then he realizes, it is because of your bright and sweet personality. Renjun likes you for the way you are, he is thankful to have someone like you in his life. You balance out everything in Renjun’s life, which keeps him grounded all the time – that is why he misses you a lot. Even until now.
The Christmas Eve celebration went by and all of you welcomed Christmas warmly and happily. Renjun cherished every moment, making sure to remember every little detail of you so he could not forget. The next morning went by, Renjun sees you staring at the backyard from the kitchen door – silent and calm. He approaches to witness you staring at the melted snowman you both built yesterday. Renjun knows what happens next, but this time it seems different than how he expects.
“Junnie, the snowman is gone. The sun’s heat melted it,” you say with a light smile on your face. Renjun looks at you, wondering why you are this calm.
“I’m sorry y/n, we could make one again if you like,” Renjun replies.
“That’s alright silly, it’s not your fault. Things happen for a reason, sometimes we can’t do anything about it and just accept it as it is,” you say as you look up to him with a smile, “That’s life,” you add.
Renjun opens his eyes to see himself standing inside his closet again. Christmas pajamas are gone, and he is back to his present life. Tears roll down Renjun’s eyes. Hearing your last words sting his chest so much, it hurts. He stays inside the closet for a moment reminiscing the travel he just had. He wishes to do anything just to have you back, but he knows he cannot. His father told him once about certain variables in his life that cannot be changed or reverted once he travels through time, for it can affect his present life – especially when trying to prevent someone’s death in the past. Renjun’s father was hesitant to tell him about their family’s ability at first, knowing that Renjun will probably use it to prevent you from dying. But his father warned him right away and told him to be careful, which he listened to. There is nothing Renjun could do about it, which made him feel worse about himself. Regrets fill up his mind ever since you were gone, and his days have become gloomy since then. Nothing has been the same for Renjun, as if a part of him was gone too.
“Hey, I’m sorry it took me a while to come and visit,” Renjun says, as he lays down a bouquet of white tulips beside your grave. It has been 8 years since the accident happened when you saved Renjun from an over speeding vehicle. “You know y/n, I traveled back in time yesterday to visit you. It was one of my favorite memories of us, I could still feel like you are still here with me. Life’s been difficult without you,” Renjun says. “But something different happened towards the end of it, seems like you actually talked to me that time. It didn’t feel like it already happened. You said those words and it made me feel better, it was like you scolded me even when you are already not around,” he chuckles lightly. Renjun keeps your last words with him as if a reminder to himself that it was not his fault. He tries to live each day, giving his self the gift of forgiveness and acceptance.