Chapter Text
A loud and hearty laugh resounded in the normally quiet apartment. It was Friday night and, as usual, Eren was at Levi’s place. They spent all their weekends like this, happy to be able to be together after a long, busy week. Eren always looked forward to those moments when he was finally able to see Levi again instead of just texting or calling each other.
They had been dating for a few months now, and Eren was on cloud nine. They had gotten so close that it only felt natural to spend their days off together. To be honest, Eren wanted to spend all of his free time with his boyfriend, but he knew it was a little too soon to consider moving out together. He didn't want to seem too eager and too impatient. Levi was someone who did things at his own pace, and for now Eren was content following it; there was no need to rush.
Another laugh made Eren's chest vibrate as he let his head fall on Levi's shoulder. What they were watching on TV wasn't even that funny, but after finishing his fourth beer Eren didn't even care if it was or not. He had always been a happy drunk and tonight was no exception. Levi didn't seem to mind anyway; his fingers were absent-mindedly playing with Eren's hair as the brunet giggled for the umpteenth time.
Eren looked at the empty bottle in his hands and let out a sigh, frustrated that no matter how hard he wished for it, it hadn't refilled itself magically. He wanted another one but was too lazy to stand up. Besides, he was way too comfortable cuddling up next to Levi to even want to move. Eren looked down at Levi's right hand and frowned when he realized Levi still hadn't finished his beer. It was the only bottle he had taken since the beginning of the night, but even so, the bottle was still half full. Or half empty? He was way too out of it to have some kind of philosophical debate right now.
Thinking back on it, Eren had never seen Levi drunk. Even when they would spend the evening with Hanji, which had occurred more than once, he would barely drink a drop of alcohol. He would always come up with excuses like being the designated driver or having to work the next day. Tonight there was none of that and still he wasn't drinking, which Eren couldn't help but find odd. He still remembered that time when Hanji had texted him for the first time, taking advantage of Levi being passed out drunk to steal his phone. It definitely wasn't that Levi didn't drink, so why wouldn't he in his presence? Was it because of how he was acting while drunk? Now Eren was getting more and more curious. He wanted -no, needed- to see Levi drunk.
"You're not drinking," Eren pouted, putting his chin on Levi's shoulder.
"You're drinking enough for the both of us," Levi snorted as he vaguely pointed at all the bottles Eren had emptied.
"Come on Levi, it's Friday night!" Eren whined as he gripped his boyfriend's arm. "Enjoy yourself!"
"I am enjoying myself."
Levi punctuated his words by kissing Eren's cheek and wrapping a hand around his waist. Eren smiled sheepishly at the action, stupidly happy. Knowing that Levi enjoyed spending time in his company was filling his chest with warm and bubbly feelings.
Eren quickly shook his head, trying not to get too distracted. He had an objective, and it hadn't been accomplished yet. He needed to get Levi to drink more. No more getting distracted by his boyfriend's sweet words and actions. He needed to focus!
"You're still on your first beer," Eren tried again. "Why don't you finish that one and then we open another one each together?"
"I'm good," Levi said as he took an infinitely small sip of his drink. "You can take another one if you want to, but don't complain to me tomorrow morning when your head will hurt."
"But I want us to drink one together," Eren insisted, to no avail. "Come on, Levi!"
Levi let out a long sigh before he put his still unfinished bottle on the coffee table. "No, Eren."
"Just one!" Eren took two bottles in his hand, a goofy smile on his face. As he saw that Levi ignored him this time, he pressed himself closer to him, making his best puppy eyes. "Leviii!"
"Just fucking leave me alone, I said no!”
Eren backed away into the corner of the couch, his mind completely blank from his boyfriend's unexpected outburst. He had never heard Levi yell before, nor seen him this angry. He was standing up, his hands balled into tight fists, his skin turning white from the pressure. Eren looked at him, still shell-shocked from the turn of events, but Levi only gave him one last glance before he rushed toward his bedroom. The loud bang the door made when Levi closed it had Eren wincing and closing his eyes, as if he had been hit. He sat there, completely frozen and dumbfounded, his ears buzzing.
What had just happened?
It took Eren at least half an hour before he could get his brain to function again, having sobered up from the surprise. How stupid could he be? He groaned in exasperation as he realized how obnoxious he had acted and buried his face in his hands. Of course Levi would be pissed if Eren pressured him to drink, anyone would get angry at that. It was something someone should never do, and yet Eren, with his inebriated and stupid brain, had done just that. To his boyfriend.
However, something was bothering Eren as he kept replaying the moment Levi had yelled in his head. He had been angry, yes, but there had been something more. Eren had seen... fear in his eyes? What could Levi be afraid of? It was confusing him and Eren couldn't find an explanation to it no matter how hard he tried to think about it.
After a couple of hours had passed, Eren stood up from the couch and went to stand in front of the bedroom's door. He had preferred waiting until he was sure he was completely clear headed, and he had also wanted to give Levi some space before coming to apologize. They had never fought ever since they had become a couple, and Eren couldn't help but feel awfully anxious.
It didn't matter though, he had to apologize.
"Levi?" Eren called through the door, waiting for him to answer. When he heard nothing, he cleared his throat a little before trying again. "Levi, I'm so sorry! Can I-- can I please come in?”
He was met once again with silence, but Eren decided to enter the room anyway. Levi had never been much of a talker, so even if he didn't mind Eren coming in, it was possible he wouldn't say anything. Once the door opened, Eren took a moment to let his eyes wander until they stopped on Levi's figure. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, his back turned to him, head drawn between his shoulders, his face directed to the ground and his hands hidden in his lap. After observing him for a bit longer, Eren could notice no shaking or heavy breathing, which reassured him only just a little.
"Levi, I'm sorry, I was being an ass," Eren said again in a tiny voice. "I shouldn't have pressured you like that, I'm so sorry."
Eren moved a little closer to the bed, the silence oppressing him and making him feel a little short of breath. Levi hadn't moved ever since he had come in nor when he had started talking, and the uncertainty of the situation made him want to tear his hair out.
"Can I--", Eren stopped once at the edge of the bed, still too far away from his boyfriend for his taste. "Can I come closer?"
Levi finally moved, his head tilting upward a little, and Eren started biting his bottom lip, nervously waiting for more. When he saw Levi moving one hand to his side, giving him the go ahead he had been waiting for, he wasted no time to crawl on the bed until he was right behind the raven. He hesitated only a few seconds before he wrapped his arms carefully around Levi's shoulders, putting his cheek against his, trying to find comfort in the touch but also trying to show how remorseful he felt. Levi relaxed his back against Eren’s chest, making some of the brunet’s tension vanish at the action.
"I'm really sorry, I was drunk and I wasn't thinking. I acted like an idiot, and I know sometimes you find it cute so I kind of use it to my advantage, but tonight was just... plainly stupid and I-- I'm sorry."
Eren knew he was word vomiting at this point, but he had to be a hundred percent sure Levi knew how much he regretted his actions. He hated knowing that Levi was angry at him, and more than that, he hated that he had made Levi feel this way (even though he still couldn't tell exactly what emotions had possessed him).
"It's fine," Levi rasped. The mere sound of his voice, no matter how gruff it had sounded, made Eren sigh in relief.
"No, it's not!" Eren groaned in frustration when what Levi had said registered. "It clearly upset you, so it's not fine!"
"I'm--" Levi cleared his throat before continuing, "I should apologize too."
"For what?" Eren asked, confused, a frown appearing on his face.
"Exploding like that."
"You had every right to, I was being an ass."
Eren shook his head, tightening his hold around Levi. He had no reason to apologize, everything was Eren's fault. It had surprised him, but he didn't hold it against Levi.
"Nothing can justify me yelling at you, Eren," Levi sighed, and Eren could feel how tired he was.
He took the time to consider what Levi had said before nodding and humming his approval. What he had said made sense; yelling at someone was never the better option, though in this case it had helped Eren snapped out of it.
"Okay, yeah... You're right," Eren voiced his thoughts out loud, "but without that I would have kept pestering you. I deserved it."
"It's not... You didn't..." Levi breathed out, gripping Eren's arms, and it was at that moment Eren realized he was shaking in his arms. "I'm just--"
"Hey, hey..." Eren shifted in order to sit on Levi's lap before cupping his face, trying to make eye contact. "What's wrong?"
Levi was avoiding Eren's gaze, his eyes fixed on his neck, and Eren could see the battle happening inside of them even though he had no idea what Levi was fighting against. The sight of his boyfriend this shaken made his stomach torn with worry and he had to refrain himself from hugging Levi to death in order to comfort him. Eren knew this was what he himself needed for comfort, but it wasn't Levi's case. Small gestures and meaningful words worked better with him.
"You're upset," Eren whispered, softly stroking Levi's cheek with his thumb. "Is it because of me?"
"No, no..." Levi's shook his head before hiding in one of Eren's hand. "I just..."
Levi once again didn't finish his sentence. Only a blind man wouldn't realize how Levi was struggling to express what he was feeling at this moment, but Eren only had eyes for Levi. And he hated to see him in this state.
"It's okay, Levi." Eren kissed his temple before joining their forehead. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. We're both emotional wrecks right now, we can talk about it tomorrow if you want. Or the next day. Or in a week. Don't force yourself."
Levi leaned his forehead on Eren's shoulder before exhaling sharply. His arms came around Eren’s waist and the brunet nuzzled his boyfriend's hair in return.
"It's fine." It sounded like every syllable that was leaving his mouth was costing him insane amount of energy. "I've been thinking while I was... here. And before, too. I've been meaning to tell you about it for a while now."
"O-oh," Eren only managed to get out before he pulled himself together. Levi needed his support. "Do you want to go back on the couch? Or lie down?"
"No," Levi shook his head against his neck, his hot breath tickling his skin. "Like this is fine."
"Okay," Eren hummed as he started petting Levi's hair, a sigh of appreciation leaving his boyfriend's lips at the action. "You know I'll listen to you."
"Yeah, I know."
They stayed like this for a while, neither of them saying anything. Levi left the comfort of Eren's neck to rest his head on his chest, his ear pressed above his beating heart. Eren could feel it and more so hear it beating fast, but as he slowly combed Levi's hair in reassurance, it eventually slowed down to a more normal rhythm. Or as normal as it could get while in Levi's presence, because Eren always felt like he was on the verge of a heart attack, no matter how comfortable he was. That was the kind of effect Levi had on him.
Eren became so used to the silence during that moment that Levi's voice surprised him and sounded somehow out of place. He tried to focus more on his boyfriend's words than on his voice itself, otherwise he would start to overanalyze everything, and right now he needed to focus. Focus on Levi's story.
Levi's voice broke a few times as he started, emotions pouring out of it like water overflowing from a glass. Eren was already feeling overwhelmed from the previous events but now he felt like he was suddenly being thrown against a wall or slapped against the face as he listened to Levi's past.
The hollowness, the need to feel anything other than the loss, the constant headaches, tiredness, self-loathing... Levi told him everything. About the parties, the alcohol, the hook-ups. He didn't seem to be sugar-coating anything, in fact he sounded entirely detached from it all, as if he was retailing someone else's story, but Eren knew that was all he could do to not break, to not shatter under the crushing pain that he had felt back then, that he still felt while bringing it up.
Eren could hear the shame in Levi's voice, the hatred against himself at his own actions, the regrets... but also the fear. The same fear Eren had seen a few hours ago reflected in his eyes, and now he could finally understand. Understand Levi a little bit better, understand why he had reacted that way, but also why he had refused so adamantly the drink Eren had offered.
Levi was afraid to fall into that bottomless hole he had had such a hard time crawling out of, with Hanji and Erwin's help. The hole he had accidentally fell into once again not so long ago, without Eren's knowing.
The realization hit Eren so hard that he forgot how to breath for a second. His eyes, which had been staring at Levi the whole time, patiently listening to him, were now burning as he forgot how to blink. His mouth was so dry that he felt like he had just ingested a spoon full of salt.
Eren didn't realize it right away, but as a tear fell on their joined hands, he became aware of the water flowing down his cheeks as a small sob escaped his lips.
"Eren...? What--" Levi was at a loss of words as he now stared at his boyfriend bawling his eyes out. "Why are you crying?"
Levi's voice was careful, almost afraid as he asked the same question Eren had been trying to answer in his own head.
"I--I just-- Fuck!!"
He was left unable to control it, as if the vanes were broken and he couldn't close them. Why was he crying? Because he could feel it all, all of Levi's pain. Because the man he loved had been suffering for years and the moment he had thought he was fine, he had gone through it all over again. Because not too long ago, while he was angry at Levi for not messaging him, the man had been struggling with the demons of his past and his present. He was crying because all of that just hurt. It hurt so much, and he wanted it all to stop. Not for himself, but for Levi. He was crying because even though his boyfriend’s voice broke under the emotions, Levi hadn't.
Oh, Eren wished he could take all of that pain away from him. He would endure it all himself if it was possible, because the sight of Levi's broken soul was too unbearable for him.
"I'm sorry, I just--" Eren tried again after one or two deep breaths. "You went through so much and here I was, trying to-- Shit!"
"Eren, it's okay," Levi gently shushed him. "It's in the past, I'm fine now. I have you."
"But you-- you still think about it! Every time you drink!"
"Maybe, but... it's fine, Eren. Most of the time it's just a little voice in my head. I'm fine now. It won't happen again. But..." Levi paused and Eren felt him grip his hands tighter. "I guess sometimes I still dread it."
"Fuck, I'm--" Eren took a big gulf of air before looking Levi dead in the eye, with every ounce of affection he had in his body. "I'm so proud of you."
"Huh...?"
"You've been fighting it all this time, haven't you?" Eren was trying to make sense of his own thoughts, but there were just too many of them. “You're doing your best all the time, and I'm just-- I'm proud of you.”
"I-- uh..."
“I’m proud of you for realizing you needed help, for letting the people around you help you, and I’m proud of you for giving yourself a chance and fighting for your future. And I—”
Eren took a deep breath, having barely breathed during his whole speech.
“S-sorry, I'm saying weird shit again," Eren laughed through his teary eyes. He had always been the kind of person to get swept away by his emotions, but today it was even more the case than usual.
"It's fine, I'm just... surprised, is all." Levi cleared his throat, completely caught off guard. "I didn't think you would react like that."
"Like what? Being proud?"
"Yeah, that,” Levi paused for a second before adding: “And crying, too."
Eren chuckled; he too hadn't been expecting that from himself.
"I'm crying because it hurts to know how much you suffered -are suffering, and because you're not.”
"Hardly need it when I have someone doing it for me," Levi softly smiled as he tried to dry Eren's tears with his thumbs.
Eren laughed through his tears, his cheeks reddening from how careful and tender Levi was acting with him. His heart felt so full of so many emotions at the moment, although there was one outshining the others. A warm yet tearing feeling in his chest every time he tried to name it, and as Levi gently stroked his cheek, he could feel it take control of him.
"I love you."
Eren didn't realize what he had said until he saw the tenderness leaving Levi's face and being replaced by a sudden perplexity. His hand was frozen on his cheek, his eyes were wide open, and his mouth was agape as if words were failing him.
Shit. Shit!
Eren hadn't meant to say it, or at least not right here and right then. He had been thinking about it a lot lately, the words stuck in his mouth every time he was with Levi, warming him from the inside and burning his cheeks with a beautiful red. The words had been running around in his head for weeks and he was dying to let them out, but he had been... too scared to. He was afraid to drive Levi away with them, to say them too soon, and especially to not hear them back. That fear was there more than ever now that he had finally said them out loud.
"I-- Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that," Eren started rambling, frenetically trying to fix the situation. "No! Shit, I mean-- I meant it, but I shouldn't-- not like this, not right now. We were talking about your past, you're still upset and I-- I-- it isn't the time for that. I'm sorr--"
Before Eren could continue with his endless apology and pathetic attempt at saving the situation, his lips were roughly shut by Levi's. Suddenly his senses were overwhelmed by Levi; his scent, his face (too close), the taste of his lips, his tongue searching for his own, his touch -hands cradling his face and leaving him with no escape. But Eren didn't want to. He was right where he wanted to be, kissing the man he loved, drowning under the tenderness and affection that he could feel radiating from him.
God, did he love him.
"Don't you fucking apologize for that," Levi breathed out once he finally let Eren go for them to breath.
"Uh-- I-- You--" It took Eren a moment for his brain to rewire correctly and let him organize his thoughts. "Are you.... happy?"
"Are you serious?" Levi groaned in exasperation but then let out a tiny chuckle as he let his forehead fall on Eren's, his eyes staring into his emerald ones, a light Eren had never seen before shining in them. "Shit, Eren sometimes you're..."
Levi let out a long sigh, making Eren worried that he had upset him, before he felt Levi's nose nuzzling his temple and his hot and comforting breath on his ear.
"I love you too."
If Eren's heart hadn't already stopped before, it definitely did at hearing those words being whispered directly in his ear. His whole body was flooded with a warmth he had never felt before and the urge to feel more of it, to lose himself in it. To lose himself in Levi.
He wanted to kiss Levi until the only thing he could taste was his tongue on his. He wanted to touch his body until the only thing his hands remembered was the softness of Levi's skin under his fingertips. He wanted to look deep into his eyes until the last thing he remembered was their color. He wanted to fill his lungs with that delicate smell that screamed Levi, that one which always felt like home.
And he wanted to hear those words whispered again in his ear as he did all of that.
"I’ve been meaning to say that to you for a while but I... I didn't know how to bring it up," Levi's voice cut through Eren's haze.
The brunet had no idea how long they had stayed in complete silence but he could feel Levi fidgeting against him, refusing to leave the comfort of Eren's neck no matter how many times Eren tried to back up to have a look at his face. His boyfriend was too endearing for words.
"Me too."
Levi hummed against his neck and Eren could feel his smile on his skin. His ears were still ringing at the memory of those words, and if it wasn't for the fact that Levi was hiding from him, Eren would have thought he had imagined it all.
It still felt like a dream.
"Levi..." Eren breathed out, breaking the idly silence that was surrounding them as they held each other as close as they could.
"Hm...?"
"Say it again?"
Levi finally left his hiding place, gracing Eren with the most tender look he had ever seen on his face, taking his breath away.
"Another time."