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It has been a while since the last time Cao Chunhua allowed this for themself. Neglecting it for so long was not a conscious decision; they simply became swept up in too many events, constantly keeping themself busy with various jobs and missions that required their full focus, as well as carefully studying other languages on the side after figuring out that they have a true knack for it. In addition, their body changed as they grew up, and it was simply easier sometimes to wear masculine attire to avoid any questions or scrutiny while they went about their business.
They did not mind it for the most part. To them, clothes were simply pieces of fabric that could be warped and reinterpreted depending on the wearer, and Cao Chunhua always knew that deep down, no matter how much they wore mens’ robes, it did not necessarily make them a man. Disguising was their specialty, and if they could pass as one when they needed to, it was nothing but a testament to their impressive skills.
Sometimes they received a mission that required them to embrace their femininity, and Cao Chunhua always liked those the most. There was a light sense of familiarity in it, draping the delicate robes over their body which evoked a feeling akin to coming home after a long trip away. They treasured those moments, but did not dwell on them.
Until now. After living so much of their life switching from disguise to disguise, Cao Chunhua’s sense of self would occasionally begin to waver. They thought too much about how they would be perceived by other people. They were too involved in coming up with habits and personality quirks for the characters they played, some of them bleeding into their real self and staining qualities that were actually their own, like a drawing being painted over with a different ink.
Eventually, they began to notice it. Eventually, they needed to take a step back from it.
Cao Chunhua pulled out the carefully-folded robes and neatly arranged them on the bed. They were of a soft green colour, patterned very lightly with small swirl-like shapes, and had little flowers and leaves embroidered along the collar. Delicate, pretty. Feminine.
They were not going to wear this as a disguise or a costume. They will wear it as Cao Chunhua, because this is what they want to see themself in, know that they will look good in this. They will wear their own face when they are outside without hiding behind an identity that does not belong to them, and they found themself wishing that they had done this sooner. Maybe then they would not be feeling the burnout of right now.
They also allowed themself a bit of indulgence and used some bandages and pieces of cloth to give themself a fuller chest. This wasn’t entirely necessary, but still — they could not get over wanting it, and it was such a minor thing that made a big difference. Cao Chunhua has done this before, as well, and knew how to make it look right; they just needed a bit of time to rearrange it after they put on the robes.
They might as well go all out with it today, as a treat.
It ended up taking a bit too long for their liking. Cao Chunhua frowned while looking down; it still didn’t look quite right, too lumpy and unnatural, but at least it did not look entirely fake. Chewing their bottom lip thoughtfully, they kept prodding and adjusting it to make it look a little more presentable.
“Hey, xiao-Cao, are you—“
Ge Chen froze in the doorway. Cao Chunhua made awkward eye contact with him, hands still splayed over their makeshift chest. They stared at each other for a few moments, then Ge Chen covered his eyes with a hand and spun around to leave, mumbling something under his breath that vaguely sounded like a “sorry”.
“Wait, come back!” Cao Chunhua quickly got over their surprise and dashed forward to grab Ge Chen’s shoulder before he could make his escape. “I need a second opinion.”
“I’m really not the person to ask something like this,” Ge Chen protested, putting up a half-hearted resistance as Cao Chunhua dragged him into the room.
“You didn’t even hear my question yet!” Cao Chunhua pouted, only letting go of Ge Chen’s sleeve when they were completely certain he was not going to try and leave again. He sighed, resigning to his fate, but still kept his eyes tactfully averted.
“Just wait a bit,” Cao Chunhua instructed, and stepped away to finish with make-up. A bit of rouge on their cheeks, a light red on their lips, — just enough to accent their favourite facial features. After a bit of consideration they also lined their eyes, and could not help smiling at their own reflection. Their own face began to look right to them.
They put a hairpin carved with flowers into their topknot as a last touch, took one last look in the mirror and, finally satisfied, turned around. “A-Chen? You can look now.”
Ge Chen turned his head and paused, eyes widened slightly.
“What do you think?” Cao Chunhua twirled around for effectiveness, their hair fanning out and whipping around them. The soft fabric of the robe rippled around their legs, long sleeves fluttering. The silence stretched on for a while, Ge Chen staring intently at Cao Chunhua as if hypnotised.
“Looks nice,” he said finally.
“Just nice?” Cao Chunhua’s grin resembled a cat’s as they tilted their head to the side, hands playing with the hem of their sleeve.
“Very pretty,” Ge Chen said weakly and quickly looked down. “Uh… I’m not good at compliments, sorry.”
Seeing their childhood friend act so uncharacteristically shy was strange, but perhaps Cao Chunhua should have expected that. When they were younger and the topic of their appearance came up, Ge Chen was more likely to either not comment at all, or nod along to whatever others said without offering much input himself. They really backed him into a corner here without even meaning to, and they were delighted.
“Aw.” Cao Chunhua leaned forward, batting their eyelashes. “I spent so much time on this look, but are you sure you like it?”
“Why does it matter if I like it?” Ge Chen countered.
“So you don’t?” Cao Chunhua pouted, trying their best to bite back a teasing smile.
“Stop, I already said it’s nice,” Ge Chen grumbled. “You should ask da-ge for his input, he’s much better at words than I am.”
“But I’m asking you,” Cao Chunhua pursed their lips, making a show of acting like a brat. Of course, this wasn’t really about compliments, Ge Chen was right that Cao Chunhua could seek those anywhere. However, it was much easier to ask for them than to bring up what they truly wanted an opinion on.
“Uh… um…” Ge Chen scrambled. “If you were a flying kite, you would be one of those fancy Red Kites.”
“Huh? What kind of thing is that to say?” Cao Chunhua stared, dumbfounded. Nevertheless, they felt their cheeks warm with a blush, and they turned away with a loud huff. “You really— fine, I commend you for your efforts. I’ll take it, thanks.”
“I’m bad at compliments, I told you,” Ge Chen grumbled, awkwardly scratching the back of his head. “Listen, you look good. It suits you.”
Cao Chunhua perked up. “It does?”
“Yeah,” he nodded, looking incredibly earnest. The corners of Cao Chunhua’s lips quirked up.
“I think so too,” they declared, and picked up the mirror to take another look. “I haven’t done my favourite make-up in a while, but I still pulled it off well, don’t you think? I thought the rouge might be too much, but it enhances it instead.”
“Mhm,” Ge Chen stepped from one foot to the other. “That’s great. Are you ready to go?”
“Oh, yes!” Cao Chunhua put the mirror down and skipped over to him. “Do you think da-ge will like it?”
“Probably?” Ge Chen shrugged. “The earlier we go, the faster you can ask him yourself.”
“That’s true.” Cao Chunhua grabbed his sleeve and pulled him towards the door. “Alright, let’s go! Come on!”
“You were the one taking so long,” Ge Chen protested, obediently following after Cao Chunhua. They turned around to shrug and offer him a smile so bright and dazzling that he couldn’t make eye contact and looked down again.
Cao Chunhua felt light, face pink from both the rouge and happiness, anticipating a cozy evening in a circle of close friends.