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Taking a sip of his coffee, Dick Booping, leaned forward to address the woman sat on the other side of the smoky booth in the bar where they’d chosen to meet.
"So," he said, "What've you got for me?"
"What've I got for you? I was told you'd have something for me! I’ve heard ATG Private Investigations was the best in the business, was that wrong?" Shaking her head, she took a long draw from her cigarette, blowing the fumes out in a dismissive snort.
"What do you want me to do for you?"
"Hmph. That's better. Thing is, I'm in trouble with the police - it's about my girlfriend, OEA. A man like you will have heard this from your own sources, I expect, but the detective in charge of her case has drawn a blank. Apparently there just isn't any evidence about who kidnapped her - no witnesses, nothing from the forensics, no obvious motive to explain why someone would have taken her. Turns out I'm the only suspect they've got, and it's only a matter of time before some moron gets tired of looking for other suspects and brings me in. I ... I know I've got something of a reputation around these parts, but OEA? Sure, we've had our fights, but I'd never have hurt her like this. I want you to find out who killed my girlfriend, Dick, and bring him in before they take me down and he gets away scot free. I don't care how much it costs me to see that bastard taken down, I want to see him burn for what he's done to her. Do we have a deal, or not?"
Dick drained his mug and leant back from the table, crossing his arms. "So the police haven't been able to find anything? Anything at all?"
OAA shook her head.
Smirking, Dick slid out of the booth, gesturing to OAA to follow him out to the car. “We’ll see about that.”
*
“So? Did you find anything?”
“Nothing yet. You were the last person who saw OAA, in this very apartment – what happened then? Tell me anything she said, anything you can remember about her planned movements.”
“We’d … Well, we had dinner, right? It was fine at first, civil, y’know? Then … we had an argument, something stupid about how she’d cut the onions or about sauce, I don’t even remember. I got up and left, couldn’t stay in the room, and that was the last time I saw her. She’d have sat down to watch TV after, I guess? Right here on the couch, that was her spot. Fuck, if you’d thought you could move her from that spot when she was watching something you’ve got another thin-“
Holding up a hand to stop her, Dick leaned over to look more closely at the couch. Caught on that loose nail, were those …
“What’ve you found? Don’t damage the couch! That was expensive!
Dick reached down and retrieved the strands of hair he’d spotted, lifting them up to his face and rubbing them between his fingers. “Animal hairs. Of course!”
OAA peered closer, frowning. “So there are some pet hairs. Big deal – OEA loved animals. Why are you making such a big deal out of it?”
“Think, OAA! The police haven’t been able to find any evidence – they’d have been looking for a human intruder! If OEA hasn’t been kidnapped by a human the police won’t have a clue where to find the perp, but I know exactly where he’ll have gone. Come on, we’re going back to the Compound!”
*
The exact location of the compound was a closely-guarded secret, but Dick had been there before, back in September 2014, when a woman called Belladonna had come to him to ask him to find out who’d been stealing her pants. In truth, he still didn’t understand the dynamic of the place – the constant sunlight grew eerie if you stayed there for longer than a day at a time, but if the perp was hiding anywhere in this town, it’d be here.
Drawing up outside the block, Dick stepped out of the car, gesturing for OAA to follow him into the building.
“When am I going to meet the other guy, by the way? I’d been told the whole deal with ATG was that two guys got assigned to every case. Was that a lie? Could your partner just not be bothered to get out of bed this morning?”
Dick lowered his gaze, sighing. “My partner and I had a … disagreement several months ago. You won’t be meeting him as part of this case.”
“Why not? How are you still ATG investigations, then? You should have renamed the organisation if you can’t be professional enough to maintain a working relationship with the other guy!”
Declining to reply to that comment, Dick approached the door to the compound and knocked hard, standing back to wait for a reply. When it eventually came, OAA stopped silent in surprise at the person who’d greeted them.
“Hello, Belladonna. My name is Dick Booping – I believe you may remember me from a case I helped you with a few years back, when the Kraken had been stealing your pants? I’d like to come in and ask you some questions about a woman who’s recently been reported missing in this area. Is that acceptable?”
Recovering, OAA pulled a framed picture from her bag and handed it over to him, and he held this up where Belladonna could see it.
“This is the woman I’m trying to find. Have you or any of the other critters seen her? I have reason to believe there has been critter involvement in this case, and I’d like to be able to rule as many of you out as possible.”
Belladonna snorted, and shook her head.
“You haven’t seen her? Not at all? I’m certain there was non-human involvement in this case. Am I not correct in thinking that all the critters live here in the compound?”
The pony stamped with one hoof, and again shook her head.
“Is there any way you could have missed her? Could I come in and talk to one of the seals to make sure?”
Belladonna made another sound, but this wasn’t a sound you would expect a horse to make. It was more like the sort of thing you’d hear a sheep saying. A sheep, or … a goat.
“Frank?” Dick asked, looking shocked. “Last I heard, Frank had gone out of town! Where can I find him?”
Belladonna tossed her head, indicating a cluster of run-down buildings over to the south.
“The … the old compound? I didn’t think anybody went there these days. Are you sure?”
She whinnied.
“Of course! Yes, you’re completely right, we’ll head right over there. Come on, OAA.”
“Are you serious?” OAA began, following Dick back to the car. “You’re passing over this whole building because a literal horse told you to look elsewhere? What the fuck? You were so sure this was where OEA was, and we need to find her!”
“Belladonna is a pony, OAA. I’ve worked with her before, and I know I can trust her. Besides, if Frank is back in town … we’ll all need to be on our guard. That goat is a nightmare.”
“A goat? You think a goat kidnapped OEA?”
Dick gritted his teeth, but said nothing more.
*
Once they’d arrived at the old, neglected cluster of buildings, Dick broke his silence.
“Look, OAA, I know you want to find your girlfriend, but it might be better if you let me handle this one on my own. Frank … has a way of messing with people’s heads. You’ll need to be on your guard, and if you haven’t encountered him before then I don’t want to risk you getting … affected.”
“A goat? You think I’m going to be scared off by some goat? If he’s taken OEA, I want to meet him, so I can punch him in his stupid face!”
“Fine.” Dick said, stepping out of the car and drawing his gun. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Shoulders tense, Dick knocked on the door. He waited. He knocked again. He waited.
“Is this guy even in?” OAA asked, crossing her arms. “We could break a window, get in that way?”
Just as she finished speaking, the door opened, and she gave a gasp of horror. Those eyes, that soulless gaze … this was no normal goat, that was for sure.
“Frank,” Dick said, teeth gritted. “I have reason to believe you may have been involved in the disappearance of a woman in this area around a week ago. May I come in to look around?”
Frank turned his head to one side, fixing that terrifying gaze on Dick without making a sound.
“It may be possible to rule you out of the enquiry if you’re willing to cooperate, but I’m certain of critter involvement in this case and I’m going to need you to prove to me that you aren’t the culprit.”
Slowly, Frank turned his gaze onto OAA, who gave a sob of fear.
“Let us in, Frank.”
Frank bleated, shaking his head without breaking eye contact with Dick.
“Look, Frank, I’m not saying you’re guilty of anything. I just need to come into the compound and make sure you aren’t involved in this case. It won’t take me more than half an hour, then you can go back to minding your own business.”
It took a moment, but eventually the goat caved, moving back out of the way to let Dick into the building. After a brief moment of hesitation, OAA followed him, keeping well back from Frank.
As promised, Dick had finished inspecting the compound within the hour. There was no sign of OEA, and no sign that anyone other than Frank had been to this place for months. Even OAA had to concede the point, although privately Dick suspected that this was just because she wanted to get out of the compound and out from Frank’s gaze. Frustrated, they’d both gone back to the car and driven back to the bar they’d started out in to try to think of new lines of enquiry.
“Are you sure the perp isn’t human? Aren’t there any other people you can think of we could rule out? We should go back to the first compound – why the fuck did you just take that horse’s word for it that she wasn’t there, anyway!”
“Pony.”
“I don’t give a shit if she was a horse or a pony! We’ve got to go back there!”
Dick shook his head, taking a long slow draw from his cigarette. “Look, OAA. If Frank hasn’t got her, and she’s not in the other compound, then it’s going to take me more than five god damned minutes to think of a new avenue to investigate. I’m certain the guy we’re after isn’t human, I just need to think-“
His phone rang.
“Finally!” OAA said, “Maybe it’s that fucking horse, calling to tell us she has found something!”
Giving a cursory glance at the caller id, Dick stopped short.
“What is it? Answer the fucking phone! What are you waiting for?”
“This number … I haven’t seen it in years! It’s-“ he answered the call, cupping his other hand over the phone in an attempt to muffle any reply. “Hello? Who is this? Who’s calling?”
“Who is it? Do they have OEA? Damn it, Dick, tell me!”
Gesturing for her to be quiet, Dick grimaced, and OAA strained her ears to try to make out what the caller was telling him. A second later, the line cleared, and Dick slammed his phone back down on the bar, cursing.
“What’s wrong? Do you have a lead? What did they tell you?” OAA asked, unfazed by Dick’s outburst. “What’s so special about that number? Tell me!”
“That was … That was my old partner, calling from inside my home. He hasn’t given me a choice – we need to go and meet him there to find out what he wants.”
With that, he stood back from the bar and swept out to his car, leaving a protesting OAA to catch up after him.
*
Eventually, Dick drove up alongside an apartment block just on the edge of town, and stopped still.
“So what are we expecting? Your best friend has kidnapped my girlfriend – what the fuck does he want?”
“We were friends. Once. Now … well, we’ll have to see.”
Stepping out of the car, he made his way into the apartment block and up the creaking stairwell, OAA trailing a few steps behind.
Dick reached the door. He put his key in the lock. He opened it.
OAA shifted, trying to hold herself back, but it was no use. Pushing Dick aside, she charged into the room, ready to rain down hell whoever had taken OEA from her. She expected a human man, or at least a large animal, something big and muscular and obviously threatening. She expected this fight to come to blows, to face off against an opponent who would be a worthy match for her ability to dole out violence.
Instead, she was greeted by OEA, sat comfortably on the couch and looking only mildly concerned rather than outright terrified. Stood in front of her, legs planted firmly on the carpet and blocking either she or Dick from getting any further into the room, was a very small dog, who was growling loudly and baring its teeth.
“Where is he?” she demanded, ignoring her canine obstacle in favour of addressing OEA. “Where’s the asshole who kidnapped you? I’ll bash his fucking head in, just tell me where he is!”
“OAA, don’t be mean! OMD hasn’t hurt me at all, he’s harmless! Come and sit down here so we can talk.”
Nonplussed, OAA attempted to comply, but the dog refused to let her, running up to block her path and jumping up at her legs, barking furiously.
“OMD!” Dick said, voice commanding. “Let her go past. She’s not going to hurt you.”
OMD held out for a moment, making his disapproval of OAA very clear, then stepped back and let her run past him, falling onto the couch and grabbing onto OEA.
Dick sighed, crouching down and bringing himself more onto OMD’s eye level.
“Talk to me, buddy. Why have you done this?”
“Wait, hold on,” came a protest from OAA. “OEA, you got kidnapped by a dog? Are you serious? You have no idea how worried I’ve been that you just disappeared like that – why the fuck did you just let him, what, take you for a walk? He’s not even up to my knee!”
OEA sat back up, looking determined. “He wanted me to help him with something, I could just tell! You know I can’t resist that! Look at him, he was so sad and lonely all by himself. I think he just wanted to come back here, and needed the excuse to get to talk to Dick! You mustn’t be angry with him, OAA.”
Sitting back down onto the floor, OMD looked up at Dick, daring him to be the first one to respond to that explanation.
“Is that true? You were just trying to get my attention? That’s why you did it?”
“I don’t care what his motivation was, he kidnapped OEA! Isn’t someone going to do something about that? Like, maybe, I don’t know, arrest him?”
“Of course not! He’s my partner, I’m not going to hand him over to the cops. Besides, he’s a dog! Do you really think the police are going to arrest him? No, we’ll let them know OEA has turned up unharmed, then we can all put this behind us and get on with our lives.”
“But that’s –“ OAA started, but Dick ignored her, reaching over to scritch behind his partner’s ears. It had been a long time, but the Any Two Guys Investigations was complete once more, and in a town like this there would be no end of criminals for them to track down – their true work was only just getting started.