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"I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi." Mace Windu sat in his chair on the council, voicing the clear and obvious truth.
"Hmm," Yoda said," The dark side surrounds the Chancellor."
Mace nodded, along with many other Jedi who had sensed the same thing.
"If the Chancellor doesn't -"
He was abruptly cut off by two figures entering the scene.
"CUT!" The director's frustrated call echoed around the set.
As the Jedi masters stared, a Mandalorian and a small baby alien stood in the centre of the chamber.
"Umm," The Mandalorian looked around the room," I think we're on the wrong set."
No one's attention was on the bounty hunter ,though, but on his tiny counterpart.
"Master Yoda," Plo Koon said, hiding the amusement in his voice," Does this creature look familiar to you?"
There were a few seconds when everyone in the room looked from Yoda to the baby, multiple times. Then, a collective gasp rose around the room.
"That's a- a baby you!" Obiwan said, his eyes wide.
Yoda exchanged a glance with Yaddle and told her through their connection:
Know too much, they do. Get them out of here we must.
"Go," Yoda said sternly," To your own set, you should."
But no one heard him; the baby was ambling around, making adorable cooing noises.
"What is its name?" Master Shakk Ti asked, eyes glued to the baby.
The Mandalorian looked stumped, then said," The Child."
"We know he's a child, what's his name?" Obiwan asked, his voice a pitch higher than usual, as the baby was making his way to him.
"The Child," He repeated.
"Its name?"
"The Child,"
"We know it's a child, what's its name?"
"The Child?" By this point even the Mandalorian seemed confused.
Then Obiwan's eyes lit up as the baby hugged his leg.
"Awwwww!", Everyone in the room said.
The Child made another perfect cooing noise. The Mandalorian edged his way towards The Child.
"I have to get back now…"
"Wait, wait wait," Obiwan said, smiling, he picked up the baby.
"Awwwww!" Another bout came.
"I know!" Agen Kolar said, excitement leaking into his voice," Let's make him our leader!"
Yoda and Yaddle exchanged another look as Yoda sent yet another thought wave.
Afraid this would happen, I was.
Yaddle nodded and replied mentally:
It's cuteness, get to them it has.
Meanwhile, the Mandalorian looked confused, "Um- he's a baby. He can't lead you."
Nonetheless, There was a murmur of consent for the previous idea, and Obiwan held The Child up like he was Simba.
"He will save us from the war!" Obiwan said, voice echoing dramatically. From off the set, the Simba music was playing.
The Mandalorian was baffled and stared. Then Greef Kargas pokes his head around the set.
"Mando, We need you on-" He paused, blinking at the unusual scene," Wha-?"
"I have NO idea."
They stood staring for a second more as all the Jedi masters gathered around the baby.
"So these are those who killed our people," An angry voice came from behind them. The Mandalorian whipped around, recognizing the voice. The Armourer. She stormed over and stood next to the Mandalorian, looking menacing, before addressing the Jedi.
"And WHAT do you say to that, HMMM?!"
The Jedi didn't turn away from The Child. The Armourer seemed to falter slightly," Hello?"
But the others were in a CRUCIAL conversation of trying to name the baby.
"What about… Nigel?" Master PLO suggested.
The Mandalorian stormed over," I am NOT having you name him Niiiiigle! What sort of name is that?!"
"Steve?" PLO once again offered.
"NOOOO!"
PLO withdrew, raising his hands in mock surrender.
"Yiddle!" Obiwan exclaimed," Like both Yoda and Yaddle!"
There was consent from around the room.
"No!" The Mandalorian spluttered," I- I won't have you naming him!"
But the others had already decided.
"All hail our leader... Yiddle!"
The Mandalorian stood back next to the Armorer," I think I've lost some respect for our ancestors."
That earned him a thwack on the back of the helmet," Respect them!" The armourer scolded," This is the way."
"This is the way," The Mandalorian echoed.
In the back of the set, Yoda and Yaddle were deep in discussion.
"Hm- fix this we need to," Yoda said, shaking his head at the scene.
Yaddle nodded in agreement," Partner with the Mandalorian we should."
They looked towards 'Yiddle's' apparently adopted Father. He was waving his arms at the entranced Jedi.
"Join with him- we will,"
"Agreed."
They made their way over to the agitated Mandalorian.
"Mando," Yoda said sharply.
Mando whipped towards him in sudden horror and pointed a finger," THAT'S AN OLD ONE! AN OLD CHILD!!!"
"No," Yoda corrected sharply," THAT child, a young one is."
Mando paused and leaned in to look at him better before recoiling slightly," Wait Wait Wait- The Child will turn into… You? That… wrinkliness?"
Yoda tapped his stick on the floor sharply," The Child- 900 years old yet, he is not."
Mando gasped, not hearing a word he just said," Will The Child talk like that too?!"
Yoda sighed and exchanged a look with Yaddle who stepped forward," Mandalorian, help you, we will."
The Armourer stepped forwards, addressing Mando," I don't think you should trust them. Remember- these are the people who killed our ancestors."
Mando looked back at the muppets," We have to, for now."
The Armourer sighed and turned back to The Child and his Jedi servants. "Agreed."
Mando walked back to the -species of unknown names- and nodded," We could use your assistance."
Yoda nodded," Not much can we do today- wait until night we shall."
Greef spoke up," Mando is needed on set in five minutes."
Yoda shot him the ultimate Master-Jedi-Look-Of-Total-And-Utter-Submission. Greef shut his mouth rather quickly.
"Wait till night- we will."
"Alright," Mando aligned his sniper with the Jedi, scanning them."I'm ready."
Besides him, Yoda murmured something. Mando glanced over his shoulder at him," What was that?"
"So crude," Yoda said pompously," That weapon is."
Mando sighed, returning to his sniping," It's a better weapon than your lightsabers right now."
"I agree." Greef added in, sliding in between them to watch."But what's the plan again?"
Mando adjusted the magnification of his scope, eyeing a Jedi who had just made a crown for The Child.
Yoda grunted," Distract the rest of the council, Yaddle, You and I will. Grab Yiddle, Mando will."
Mando turned his head slowly to look at Yoda," His name is NOT Yiddle!"
Yoda returned the slow head turn," Expect us to call it "The Child", do you?"
"Yes," Mando said simply.
Yoda honestly didn't know how to reply so he closed his eyes, reaching out into the Force towards the group of Jedi.
"Go, we now will," Yoda stated, and without further warning jumped down from the roof.
"That would be such an easier way to get down than stairs," Greef said as he watched Yaddle follow.
Mando silently agreed and hoped that the Jedi could pull it off.
Yoda walked along, his walking stick ever-present by his side. He gave a slight nod to Yaddle as she joined him. Coming up on the stage that the Jedi were using for their crowning ceremony, Yoda tapped his stick firmly on the floor.
"Fellow Masters-" Yoda greeted them,"-Come to announce something, we have."
The Jedi turned around, Obiwan stepping forward as the leader of this band.
"You may speak," Obiwan prompted, gesturing with his lightsaber that was already lit for the ceremony.
Yoda couldn't help bristling slightly at his disrespectful tone. But tapped his stick again.
"Taken, you have, a child from his father. Returned, he must be. Not right, him to be used, it is. This child, win a war he cannot. The galaxy, needs the Jedi it does. So return The Child, we will, and focus on defeating the separatists, we will." Yoda finished sternly, his inspirational speak causing several cameramen to sniff.
But Obiwan just blinked slowly," Excuse me?" He asked, looking utterly confused.
Yoda facepalmed," Hear nothing of what I just said, did you?"
Obiwan blinked again and turned to the other Jedi, forming a tight huddle. Yoda looked impatiently to Yaddle who just shrugged. After a few minutes of rapid talking, Obiwan turned back towards the green raisins.
"Hold on a minute- we need a translator."
Yoda sighed as Obiwan walked off the stage, he sent a thought wave to Yaddle, who was next to him:
This distraction, hope it works do I.
Yaddle smirked a little:
Agreed I do, not think it would work this well, did I.
Yoda gave her a thwack with the stick to which she just chortled more. Soon though, Obiwan came back with a script warrior next to him.
"I am the ALL POWERFUL translator!" The young female script warrior beamed.
Yoda sighed and started rapidly repeating his previous speech. "Taken, you have, a child from his father. Returned, he must be. Not right, him to be used, it is. This child, win a war he cannot. The galaxy, needs the Jedi it does. So return The Child, we will, and focus on defeating the separatists, we will."
Obiwan and the other Jedi looked just as baffled as before but now they had 'THE ALL-POWERFUL' translator.
She nodded slowly then turned to Obiwan," Master Yoda said as follows: You have taken a child from his father. He MUST be returned because it's not right to use him. This child cannot win a war. Only the Jedi can, the Galaxy NEEDS the Jedi. Not this child. So we must return him and focus on defeating the separatists!"
"Ohhhhhhhhhh" Obiwan nodded," Why didn't you just say that, Master?"
Yoda narrowed his eyes at Obiwan," Do as I ask, will you?"
"Nah. Yiddle is fine here- see?"
The Child was bumbling around the stage, giggling at everything in sight. Yoda sighed and took out his lightsaber, Yaddle followed.
"Then no choice, have we. Fight you for The Child- we will."
Nothing happened and all the Jedi looked confused. Yoda facepalmed again," Not working, this is."
"Oh!" The ALL POWERFUL translator popped up," He says that they both will fight for The Child."
On cue, or late cue, Obiwan and the other Jedi gasped and took out their lightsabers.
"YOU LEAVE US NO CHOICE!" Ki Adi Mundi bellowed, blue lightsaber pointed at them.
"The battle begins."
Mando looked at the Armourer, the Armourer looked back; neither would give in. Finally, Greef spoke up.
"Okay- now you can BOTH admit that the Jedi aren't that impressive- AND that you should still respect your elders."
There was a tense silence.
"Okay," Greef said after a second.," I cannot figure out for my life what you're thinking."
Still staring.
"Fine." Greef sighed, turning back to the scene unfolding behind them.
The Jedi were talking and a young girl with brown hair, tannish skin, green eyes, and a headband with cat ears came up who said something that made the ginger Jedi bristle.
"So," Greef turned back to the two still locked in each other's gaze," They just started arguing."
No movement.
Greef turned back to the scene," And NOW they have their lightsabers out."
Nothing.
"Okay- Are you both sleeping in there or something?! Cause we've got a Yiddle to save." Greef suddenly exploded.
Mando whipped around to him," He is NOT a YIDDLE!" He growled threateningly.
Greef relaxed," Good- you're not sleeping."
Mando resisted the urge to punch him and hefted up his rifle.
"Let's go."
He spun on his heel and jumped off of the roof to land in a silent role, the Armourer joined him.
"Oh, can EVERYONE do that except me?" Greef grumbled, starting down the stairs.
He came down the stairs and promptly yelped, dropping to the floor to dodge a stray flying lightsaber.
"WATCH IT!" HE called, crawling around the edge of the building, which in fact was a random prop castle.
He rolled dramatically into a few cameras getting some angry exclamations from cameramen. Then he stood, he glanced around awesomely and spotted Mando holding 'The Child' and running towards him.
"Run," Mando said simply as he bolted past him.
Greef's eyes widened when he saw all the Jedi running after Mando, lightsabers lit. Greef did what no character EVER in ANY movie/book/tv show had done before. He ran to the SIDE and swiftly dodged all the commotion.
"That was a close one," Greef commented, turning around to go get some ice cream with the friendly translator.
Mando sprinted through the vine-like wires of the recording cameras and microphones. Hopefully, the tangle of mesh would keep the kid-stealing-Jedi away. The Child cooed in his arms.
"Oh don't you start!" Mando scolded him," Traitor."
The Child just cooed again, looking up at him lovingly. Mando sighed, succumbing to the kids cuteness.
"I think we lost them." He said, turning his head ever so slightly to look around, which was also a very cool and dramatic Mandalorian thing to do. The Child frowned.
"Gwoop Gah Gee!" The Child gargled pointedly.
Mando looked down at the whipper-snapper," I don't know."
"Laph!"
"Mhhhh…"
"Gya gay!" The Child said firmly.
"Oh yeah!"
"Mwaya!"
"I get it!" Mando paused," Nah- I have no idea what you're saying."
The Child gave him a flat look.
"Mwoop."
"I still don't-"
Suddenly Mando heard something with his awesome Mando ears- which probably are flatter than normal human ears due to being meshed in a helmet for so long… BUT he looked around slowly, then immediately started running forward, bolting through the wires just as the Jedi darted out, lightsabers raised.
"Gwooo!"
"Yeah yeah! I know!" Mando snapped, pulling out his blaster and shooting some lights above him. The glass shattered on the Jedi who was blinded momentarily from smoke after Mando's shot to the smoke machine.
"OYE! THAT COST MONEY!" A livid props man screamed.
"I GIVE YOU CREDITS IF YOU IGNORE IT!"
"Gagh- Stay AWAY from the lights! Especially the Blue ones near you!"
Mando cursed in Mando' as the Jedi's lightsabers hummed ominously, turning in his direction. He made a mental note to put a bounty on the Props man, then go after him, and collect his own reward. Slipping into a room, he took a deep breath and turned on his night vision. He needed… a plan.
"Oh- Mando!"
Mando whipped around, pulling out his blaster as he cradled The Child close to him. He elbowed the light switch carefully and the lights flickered, then turned on. Mando blinked, for low and behold in front of him, was Mr. George Lucas.
"Mr Lucas!", Mando straightened up, knowing he was safe." The Jedi are chasing me because they want The Child. Can you… Maybe edit the script or something?"
George Lucas gave a small, sad smile," Unfortunately, I am not in control of Star Wars anymore. That's being done by Disney now, with a script written by Michael Arndt, Simon Kinberg, Lawrence Kasdan, and some other people who are weirdos, and directed by J.J. Abrams."
"Oh." Mando looked to The Child who was looking at Lucas like he was a superhero.
"But I can help you," George says, walking over to a switch. Mando looked up again as a door opened to the roof of the filming studio.
"Thank you, Mr Lucas," Mando said, dipping his head slightly before bolting out of the room.
He came out onto the roof and skidded to a stop before turning to the stairs and running to them.
"ACK!" Mando's free arm pinwheeled as he almost tumbled off of the tall building. He stepped backwards slowly. The stairs had been cut loose… by lightsabers.
The Child cooed again as he whipped around- only to be faced with the lightsaber-wielding maniacs.
"So… it has come to this," Obiwan said dramatically.
Mando stepped backwards, despite having nowhere to go.
"I WON'T let you have The Child!" Mando shouted over the whipping wind, which, if he had hair outside of his helmet, would have been flapping dramatically.
"Then…" Obiwan stepped closer," That means…"
Suddenly there was a loud roaring from above them that caused them all to jump.
"GWOOOOO!" The Child cried out, pointing a tiny finger. Mando's eyes widened underneath his helmet as he stepped backwards some more in awe. For above them, was the iconic, the amazing, the Millennium Falcon.
There was a moment quiet in which only the wind spoke, until the top hatch opened and the one and only Han Solo slowly rose with gusto. He cupped his hands over his mouth to speak over the wind.
"Hey, guys! I was just coming to pick up my last paycheck I missed- but they let me keep this thing!"
Obiwan gave a polite smile," That's so nice for you!"
Han smirked," I know! Anyways- Need a ride, Mando?"
"Gwa gwa!" The Child said in relief. Mando smiled under his helmet, before instantly becoming suspicious.
"What will it cost me?" He called out over the wind.
Han put his hands on his hips as if in deeeeeeeeeeeep consideration, but everyone knew he had a price in mind. "I guess some beskar will do it!" He called after a few seconds.
"No." replied Mando after zero consideration," This beskar is sacred."
Han bent over near backward to look down at the opening he had just come out of," Whaddaya say Chewie? What's the price gonna be?"
There was a loud roar from the opening and Hand straightened up in sudden indignance," We are NOT giving him a ride for free!"
Then Obiwan stepped forward impatiently," Gentlemen- We have something to be doing here!"
Han raised on hand as if to pacify the Jedi," Hold on, Hold on. We'll be only one second more." He once again addressed the out of sight Wookie," Come on! We HAVE to get something out of them!"
"Whroooooo!"
There was a second of silence as Han glared down the hole," Fine", he snapped at last," Bring the ship down!"
There was a loud Wookie-ish chortle and the ship lowered some as Obiwan started forward," No! We NEED The Child!"
Mando was about to dart to the lowering ship when a dark-haired Jedi Force-leapt onto the roof next to him.
"ANAKIN!" Obiwan exclaimed in both confusion and relief," What are you doing here? Your scene is tomorrow!"
Anakin shrugged," I Thought I'd drop by."
Then he blinked as Mando jumped back from him, pulling out a blaster. Then he took in the scene and blinked further," What's.. going on here?"
Obiwan straightened," Yiddle is our leader now. And the Mandalorian is trying to steal him from us."
Mando straightened indignantly," NO! Look!" He held up The Child and Anakin gasped in amazement.
"A baby Yoda!" He cooed at it," Awwww!"
Mando took a cautionary step back as he waited for the inevitable cute trance. But the inevitable failed to happen as Anakin turned back to Obiwan," But- It's a baby. It can't be our leader!"
Obiwan makes eyes narrowed," You are doubting our great leader?"
Anakin raised a questioning brow at them all when the hatch to the trap door flew open and a very disgruntled and fried looking Yoda poked his head up. The scarce hair he had on his head was sticking in all directions and his ears, which were usually so floppy, stuck out directly sideways. Anakin stifled a laugh, then didn't bother and burst out laughing.
"Skywalker." Yoda said shortly," Under The Child's control, are you too?"
"Er- no."
Mando nodded an affirmation," That's correct."
Anakin looked between the unlikely allies," I'm confused."
Yoda looked up dramatically to begin his speech- but Mando cut in crisply.
"The Child is using its cuteness to accidentally control everyone's mind."
Yoda gave Mando the Master-Jedi-Look-Of-Total-And-Utter-Submission- which did nothing. The Child cooed in amusement as Yoda started grumbling loudly.
"I do not believe that is the case." Plo supplied calmly." We just believe he can lead us to victory."
Anakin did not look convinced," Uh Huh."
"Ya know!" Han cut in crossly," This is a limited offer here." No one paid him any bother.
Suddenly, a shout of surprise came from Yoda as he was rudely dragged down, and in his place came one nerdy-looking junior camerawoman "OH MY GOSH IT'S ANAKIN SKYWALKER!" She squealed in excitement, completely ignoring the clear battle scene.
Anakin smirked in pleasure before an idea popped into his head," So, what have you done about it?" He asked, addressing Mando and Yoda again.
"Ran away, we have," Yoda said matter-of-factly.
Anakin suppressed an eye roll and looked towards the cameragirl before whispering something in her ear to which she almost fainted, then quickly recovered and ran back downstairs.
No one noticed that much, because Obiwan and Yoda were now in a heated debate. Anakin tapped his foot impatiently and looked to Mando," You know, they aren't usually like this."
"I'd hope not," Mando grunted as both of them continued watching the argument. Finally, the cameragirl came back up the stairs carrying a cardboard box.
"I've got it! I've got it!" She squealed as she shoved the box into Anakin's hands.
"What's that?" Mando began before he was promptly cut off as Obiwan whipped towards him, making a hand signal causing the other Jedi to raise their weapons, and then lunged. Anakin, not caring about the imminent danger they were about to be in, turned to Mando and The Child, who was plopped on the ground.
"And this," Anakin said calmly," Is how you do it."
The evil Jedis' Lightsabers rose.
War cries were cried.
Charges were charged.
Then the box was dropped over the child, who let out a squeak.
Everything stopped.
Anakin smirked at everyone in his eyesight. Mando gaped. Obiwan blinked.
"Why are we on the roof?" Obiwan asked, baffled.
Mando straightened his shoulders and stepped closer to the Jedi," YOU were trying to KIDNAP my kid!"
Obi-wan's face was twisted in confusion," I… Don't remember that…"
Then Mando whipped around to Skywalker," AND do you expect The Child to stay in that BOX his whole life?"
Meanwhile, Han tapped his foot impatiently," So no one needs me? I can go now? Good." Before he stormed back on his ship and it flew into the Stars without anyone having a second thought.
Anakin stepped forward," Run, Mando. Run for your life. Then you can take off the box."
Mando glared at him before hoisting The Child up in his arms," Fine."
Obiwan stared at the odd scene, "I'm still confused."
Anakin slung his arm around his former master as they both watched Mando storm down the stairs, knocking Yoda off of them again. "All you need to know," Anakin said finally," Is that all of you owe me a million credits."
Obiwan opened his mouth in immediate protest but Anakin put his finger to his lips to shush him, "Up bup ba!" He tisked, smirking, "You'll see why soon."
"Why?"
"You'll see."
The Next days headlines:
CRAZED JEDI ATTEMPT TO KIDNAP CHILD!!!
Obiwan facepalmed,"Ah."
"So about those million credits?"