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I don't know how did I end up here.
Shepard is sitting at the other side of the sofa, looking at me with the corner of his eye, turning back when he realizes I'm staring at him too.
It's just like Simon and Baz had this well planned, on purpose. "I forgot to buy some things. I'm taking Baz with me." Said that traitor who still has the guts to call himself "my best friend", before sneaking off the flat with his boyfriend.
I try to come up with some excuse, anything that helps me to hide from him —to hide my feelings for him— but for the first time, I've run out of ideas.
I used to think that he was annoying (I still do, sometimes) but there's something else too. A warm feeling inside my chest every time he's around.
I'm sure it's not love, that's a very strong word, one I don't know shit about.
After everything that happened with Micah —the way I thought about our relationship, our break up, and the things he said to me that time— I knew I had to change some things, the way I just used to check up the spots, instead of going through the reality.
Everything around me was changing, I was even losing control of my life; I didn't know who I was anymore.
But, well, time helped me to figure out that I was becoming someone new, the new version of myself was more conscious about things.
Except love. There was even a time when I used to think that wasn't done for me, that I was unable to feel it (or the things that come first).
I saw Simon and Baz breaking each other after we came back from America, but I also saw them fixing their broken pieces, putting them together again, and everything because of love.
In a desperate night, when Simon and I stayed in the living until late watching films, I asked him something: "How does love feel?"
Of course, he didn't answer immediately, his face had no expression, only lightened by the telly. It took him a few minutes to finally say something. "Love feels golden. Like a fire igniting inside you, burning everything on its way. The kind of fire that makes you feel warm and alive after a long time of winter."
I didn't understand that (and that was the moment I realized he was lost in love).
When I asked Baz, the answer was different. "It feels like an ocean, sometimes brave, sometimes quiet. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re drowning, but there will be times when it will feel peaceful, you'll just let yourself be carried away by the tide.”
Saying that something of what they told me was helpful would be a lie. I realized then, that love feels different for everyone, but also, that I had never felt something that strong. What I had with Micah was more a mixture of adolescent hormones and my effort to keep everything controlled in my life. But there were never love.
Shepard moves closer to me, still keeping his distance. The warm feeling in my stomach is making me even more nervous, and it’s taking all of me not to move (close to him, or run away to my room).
I don’t know shit about love, not by my own experience. But I can tell, what I’m feeling, is not that. Not yet.
I’ve never told anyone about this. I’ve been too afraid to admit I feel attracted to him; he’s not exactly Normal, but he’s still not a mage. It goes against every single one of my principles. It feels forbidden for the person I used to be.
But if I’m admitting it right now, it’s more clever than ever that I’m different now.
“Hey, Penny.” Says Shepard, at the same time that I tell him “I’ve been thinking something.”
We both laugh. I’m feeling like an idiot. “Talk first.” I say. If he has something to say, I don’t want to ruin it with my messy feelings.
“Well, I was thinking. About you.”
I’m pretty sure all of my blood is now in my cheeks. I’m too flustered to look at him, so I focus my eyes on anything else. Suddenly, the plant beside the window is the most interesting thing in the living.
“Don’t get me wrong, please. I was thinking that you’re really pretty, and that probably all the time I’ve spent with you and the boys has made me feel things. You know? That weird feeling in my stomach, and all.” His voice sounds like a stutter. Oh, Crowley, that’s sweet.
His hand finds mine, and he intertwines our fingers. For the first time, I look at him.
There’s a reddish shadow on his cheeks, and his eyes try very hard not to look directly at mine. Whatever I feel for him, seems to be mutual.
“Oh, God, I’m saying a lot of bullshit now, and you probably think I’m an idiot. I mean, probably you’ve been thinking that since we met and all, but Penny. I think I like you. Even if you were rude at first, you still let me into your world.”
As flustered as him, I give a small squeeze to his hand. “Shep, you’d have a date with me?”
The words come out of my mouth before I can stop them. He stays with his mouth open a few seconds before a kind of shine covers his eyes. “Yes! I was about to ask you the same thing, but well, you’re absolutely unpredictable.”
I laugh again. The butterflies inside me feel different now. Before I can see it coming, Shep gives me a kiss on the cheek.
At the same time, Baz and Simon come back. They stay in the door, looking at us.
“Baz, you owe me 15 pounds.”