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Victor couldn’t sleep. As the years went on the sleepless nights had become less frequent. The nagging, doubtful voices that had so often drowned out everything else in his head had quieted
with the help of Yuuri, and a good therapist. But there were still nights that all of the insecurity and doubt that plagued him at the Barn crept in and kept him awake.
It had been months since the last time, but a particularly hard day, general stress, and the approaching sixth anniversary of his departure from the Barn made for the perfect horrible storm. He lay in bed and listened toYuuri’s breathing slowing and evening out as he drifted into sleep, while Victor did everything he could to stay still. The last thing he wanted was to disturb Yuuri with his tossing and turning. Victor tried to quiet his mind and sleep, but it didn’t work.
The buzzing under his skin only got worse, the urge to shift positions to try and relieve it was almost unbearable. He tried to focus on his breathing and relaxing individual parts of his body, but by the time he got one part relaxed he realized that the other parts were tense again.
After realizing this method wasn’t working, he sat up and swung his legs out of bed. He regarded Yuuri over his shoulder and his mind quieted for a moment. Remembering how lucky he was that Yuuri came into his life when he did. But it didn’t last, the circumstances under which they met forced themselves to the forefront of Victor’s mind, along with the knowledge of the pain he knew he had caused Yuuri.
He sighed and stood, rolling his shoulders and looking around for some comfortable clothes to throw on. Makkachin had lifted her head when Victor sat up and when he stood she did as well, stretching and yawning. She wagged her tail lazily as she watched him with a slightly sleepy expression. He scratched the top of her head as he made his way to the dresser for a shirt. May as well take her for a walk if he couldn’t sleep.
“What do you think girl, shall we go for a midnight stroll?” he murmured to her. She perked up at that. “Ok, ok, just let me get a shirt.”
Victor fished a loose-fitting workout tank top and a pair of joggers out of his dresser, then made his way out of the bedroom, Makkachin cheerfully following. They made their way to the front door, where Victor put on his shoes and a lightweight pullover.
“Alright Maka, let’s go on a late night adventure, huh? Just you and I.” he murmured to her as he clipped on her leash. He checked his pockets for his keys and phone, then left the flat, locking it behind him.
They made their way down the stairs and out onto the sidewalk. Everything had the slightly eerie stillness that was only present in the early hours of the morning. Victor loved this time of night. It was like stepping into a parallel dimension with empty streets and darkened windows. It almost felt as if he were the only person in existence.
The pair wandered through the neighborhood for a few hours. Their meandering path took them through a park on a path lit by soft yellow light, past his and Yuuri’s favorite coffee shop, and over the river. Makka sniffed and explored the entire way. He amused himself with thinking how it was like a person reading the early paper or listening to a late night news show.
He felt as though the stillness of the night were seeping into him and calming his mind, and with the calmness came that familiar exhaustion that was always left in the wake of an anxiety spiral.
“Alright Makka, ready to go back and see if we can get some sleep?” It was a rhetorical question; he knew that Makka wouldn’t have any issues settling back to sleep once they were home.
As they turned towards home Victor could feel exhaustion and dread creeping in and realized, with no small degree of frustration, that even once he got home he wouldn’t be able to sleep. He resigned himself to a night on the couch. At least that way his tossing and turning wouldn’t disturb Yuuri and he could turn on the TV. That helped sometimes, some inane show that was just enough to distract his brain from the bad, but not enough to keep him awake.
He hoped that would be enough tonight.
When they got back to the apartment he let Makka off her leash and she promptly got a drink and headed back to the bedroom, where he could hear her flop onto her bed. Meanwhile Victor took off his shoes and pullover then made his way to the living room. He settled on the couch and pulled the throw blanket off the back and over himself. Once he was settled and relatively comfortable, he turned on the TV and started browsing Netflix for something to distract him.
He settled on a relatively simple looking home design show. He was partway through watching Sarah argue with Jessie about which color of white would work best in the living room, when he heard the jiggling of Makka’s tags. Moments later she stuck her nose in his face, clearly concerned that he wasn't in his bed where he was supposed to be.
“Well are you going to join me or not?” he asked, patting the couch next to him. She climbed onto the couch and flopped down between his legs, resting her head on his lower stomach.
It was like this that Victor and Makka fell asleep, and it was like this that Yuuri found them a couple of hours later. He gently woke Victor up and coaxed him to bed.
The next morning Victor woke up groggy to an empty bed. He just lay there for a few minutes, trying to collect himself and figure out why he felt like he had been hit by a truck, and why he was wearing so many clothes. Then it came back. The spiral, the efforts to fall asleep, the walk with Makka, and finally Yuuri gently waking him and coaxing him to bed. The last bit felt more like something from a dream than reality, but it also explained the tank top and joggers.
Victor got out of bed and shuffled to the kitchen, he could hear Yuuri puttering around and smell coffee brewing. Makka didn’t even look up as he entered the living area and settled on an island stool to watch Yuuri, who had neglected to put on a shirt.
“Late night last night, Makka’s still tuckered out.” Yuuri commented as he brought a cup of coffee over to Victor. “What was up?”
Victor took the cup gratefully and took a sip. Perfect Yuuri always made perfect coffee.
“Thank you. I just couldn’t sleep.” Victor tried to sound casual, but wasn’t entirely successful.
Yuuri responded with a skeptical hum and cock of his eyebrow. “You do realize that after six years the ‘I just couldn’t sleep’ bit doesn’t work on me right?” Yuuri wasn’t unkind in his comment but that didn’t stop Victor from flinching slightly.
“You know I hate that perceptiveness of yours sometimes.” Victor chuckled. Yuuri looked unimpressed. “It was the Barn. I’ve- I guess I’ve been stressed recently? And I couldn’t stop thinking about it. About everything.” Victor broke eye contact with Yuuri and concentrated on the mug of coffee in his hands. “I didn’t want to wake you up so I took Makka for a walk, but it only kind of helped. So I turned on the TV and slept on the couch because that works sometimes.” Victor looked up to see Yuuri had made his way around the island to stand in front of Victor.
Yuuri took the mug from Victor’s hands and gently set it on the counter. He then cupped Victor’s head between his hands, and tipped it forward to place a kiss on his forehead. Victor closed his eyes as Yuuri held the kiss for a moment. He pulled back and examined Victor’s face.
“Breathe, Victor, it’s ok. You’re ok.” Yuuri murmured.
Victor let out his breath and relaxed his shoulders. He hadn’t felt his breath become more shallow or his shoulders tensing. He took two more deep breaths, and leaned into Yuuri’s touch.
“You ok? Do you want to talk about it or…?”
“No, I’ll be ok. Just, can we take it easy today? Maybe a walk and take out?”
“Of course, how about that new bagel place that just opened? Phichit’s said good things about it.” Yuuri said with a slight smile.
“Yeah, that sounds good. Thank you, Yuuri.” Victor let a small smile creep onto his face.
“Hey, I love you, and I know how anxiety feels,” Yuuri’s face hardened slightly. “So next time just wake me up so I can help, instead of wandering around the city in the middle of the night.”
“Ok, love, whatever you say.” Victor tipped his head up towards Yuuri, “So are you going to just stand here holding my face or are you going to kiss me?”
Yuuri grinned and closed his eyes as he leaned forward. He was mere millimeters away when he seductively whispered.
“Not until you brush your teeth,” then pulled back.
Victor looked at Yuuri in horror.
“Yuuuri,” Victor whined. “How could you be so mean!”