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“That was… interesting,” Walter grimaced, “I don’t want to go ever again.” He politely nodded to an unsuspecting commoner in the hallway and then pressed his hat downwards over his eyes. He could tell that Hartmann was right behind him, as usual.
Hartman caught his breath as they walked outside in the dark. “I agree,” he laughed awkwardly, “Not my kind of thing, either.”
They walked in silence for a while. Walter was going to his flat, Fritz followed softly behind him. Fritz wasn’t sure why – he didn’t live in Walter’s part of town at all. Fritz felt strangely compelled to. As if he should do it tonight, specifically.
Suddenly, Walter stopped and turned around. The two men looked at each other, their breaths white and pearly in the cold. “Do you want a drink at mine? To make up for this… experience,”, he gulped. Fritz figured that he embarrassment he felt during the performance still sat in him.
Fritz looked at him with urgency. “I mean… I could…”, he hesitated, “Are you alright?”
“Erm… Yes, of course. It’s just, I’m lonely sometimes,” Walter shuffled closer to Fritz, lowered his voice, “You’re also the only one from HVA that I really trust… Fritz.”
“Oh,” Fritz inhaled. He briefly took in the weight of Walter’s words, “Then, yes. I’ll come have a drink.” He discreetly put on his hat and sunglasses while Walter waited for him.
At Walter’s flat
“Welcome to my humble place… make yourself feel at home. It’s not much, but it’s homely enough.” Walter gestured invitingly.
“It’s a little bit messy here, Walter,” Fritz sniggered, “There’s not much housewife over you.”
“No, that’s true,” Walter shrugged, but then smiled mischievously. “What can I do? I haven’t had a woman in my life for a long time. I have to make the best of it. Here. Beer.”
Fritz took the beer glass. “Thank you. Hey, it’s not that bad. The technology lab at work is worse.”
“Sure.” Walter poured the beer into his glass and leant back into his leather armchair. He sighed.
“The neighbour is a spy,” he muttered, “but he’s not at home tonight.” He drank his beer bitterly, with dissatisfaction burning in his eyes.
“Really? How did you know that?” Fritz inquired, surprised.
Walter stared blankly at him, but then smiled subtly.
“Ah, of course,” Fritz corrected himself and fixed his gaze downwards. “I understand.”
“Alright- Enough of that.” Walter put down his glass of beer. “I didn’t intend to make you uncomfortable. We were supposed to think of something else than the...” Walter coughed, “disastrous show”.
“No, I’m good,” Fritz assured Walter. “It was a slip-up, nothing more.”
“Let me show you some pictures of me and my son when he was younger,” Walter suggested. “I know you’ve never seen them before.”
Fritz poured himself one more glass of beer. “Of course, I’ve never seen them before. They’re quite personal, and maybe you shouldn’t-“
Walter shook his head. “Why not, Fritz? They can entertain us for a while, and that’s it.” He leant down under the sofa table and took out a chestnut coloured wooden box. He walked towards the windowpane and stopped at a vase. Fritz watched, amazed, how Walter screwed the realistic flowers loose and then reached for a key in the bottom.
He sat down next to Fritz. Not too close, but close enough for now. He unlocked the box. Dozens of letters and photographs spilled out.
Fritz carefully picked up one of them. “So, this is your son, eh?”
Walter gulped. “Yes. I was recently convinced that he’d died. He’s alive.” A vein tightened in his temple.
“Well… I’m happy for you, Walter,” Fritz gently said. “You’re happy about it, too, aren’t you?” He watched Walter cautiously, not knowing whether he’d overstepped a boundary.
“I don’t know anymore, Fritz,” Walter sighed. “He barely recognises me.”
“Too bad, Walter… I wouldn’t know. I don’t have any children.” Fritz tried to comfort Walter, but an awkward silence again grew between them.
“Fritz…” Walter suddenly cried, “It feels like I’m alone in the world, and the feeling gets worse every day, apart from when I’m at work. There, for a moment, I feel better. But being here, alone… I can’t stand it.”
Fritz snapped after air, taken aback by Walter’s uncharacteristic show of vulnerability. “Walter…” He felt Walter’s fingers grab his wrist desperately. “What is happening?”
“I don’t know,” Walter gasped for air, “It’s too much. I can’t breathe. Fritz, help me.”
Fritz firmly put his free arm around Walter’s back. He was about to move his other arm as well, when he felt Walter’s fingers intertwine with his. They held hands for the first time. Partly.
“If-If it comforts you,” Fritz stammered, “Just hold me. Does this feel alright?”
Walter nodded. They sat there for minutes in the same position before Walter’s back untightened and he leant back against Fritz’ still arm.
Fritz’ looked at Walter sincerely. His arm relaxed around Walter’s shoulders as well. “I’m listening. Anything you have to say.”
Walter cleared his throat. “As I said before, I get these episodes,” he said bitterly, “Of panic when nobody is around. I try to hide them. I’m so lonely. I have no one.”
“No, that’s not true,” Fritz softly said, “You have me. I’m right here.” He gently pressed Walter’s right shoulder.
“Ah, you shouldn’t be. I don’t deserve you, you’re too kind.” Walter dismissed.
Fritz sighed. “Come on, you’ve got to think a little bit higher of yourself. Of course, you deserve me. You trust me. I want to be worth it, Walter.”
Walter leant slightly away, now with a suspicious grimace. “Say, what are you doing it for? What’s in it for you?”
Fritz slowly withdrew his arm. He gulped in disbelief. “I could tell you, but maybe now is not the time-“ He crossed his arms. “Walter, you’ve got to stop being so paranoid all of the time. Not everyone is out to get you, you know.”
Walter rolled his eyes. “It’s a part of the job, Fritz. I can’t turn it off.”
“Then, tell me how I can make it at least manageable. Just for a little while.” Walter pleaded. “You look like you’re on the verge of a burn-out.”
Walter scoffed, but then uncrossed his arms. “You’re right, I’m sorry. What do you want to do?”
Fritz inhaled deeply. “I mean, we could relax in bed and have a bite to eat.”
“In bed?” Walter laughed. “Why am I surprised? You’re the HVA stargazing guy.” He then stared at the opposite wall and licked his lips. “That sounds alright.”
Later
“That show was ridiculous, wasn’t it, Fritz?” Walter shook his head disapprovingly, yet he smirked.
“I already told you what I think about it, Walter,” Fritz replied, “Not my thing.”
“What is your thing, then, Fritz?” Walter said, playfully mocking as he looked at him.
Fritz shrugged. “Uhm… Beethoven and chess?” He shrugged, then smiled awkwardly.
“Beethoven,” Walter said thoughtfully, tasting the word. “Yes, that works for me.”
“And you? What do you like to do?” Fritz asked. “Your turn.”
Walter blushed. “Erm, eating strawberries with chocolate sauce and…” Walter closed in the last few inches between them and whispered, “illegal television”.
Fritz giggled. “You idiot! I knew you were the type to-”
“Speaking of chocolate, I have something I want to show you.” Walter withdrew from Fritz side as quickly as he had leant in.
Fritz felt his hands become sweaty. He dried them off in his pants while Walter looked away.
Walter rummaged under the bed with one hand, then took out a blue and white metal box. It was small, thin, and round. It fit in his hand perfectly. He snapped the box open with ease and showed Fritz.
“Chocolate with coffee, what do you say?” Walter boasted self-satisfyingly.
Fritz looked at the delicate triangles, then at Walter. “No… where did you get those?” The sweet, rich smell already made his mouth water.
“That’s a secret,” Walter raised his eyebrows, “You can’t know. But, to make up for that, they’re all yours.”
“I can’t accept that!” Fritz insisted. “It’s such a luxury, you should have them.”
“Fine,” Walter mischievously said, “Maybe you will change your mind once you’ve tried them. Can’t hurt to try.”
“Well, then,” Fritz hesitantly said, picking up a piece. “I’ll let you know if they’re any good.”
The chocolate melted on his tongue. Rich notes of perfectly roasted coffee and flavourful chocolate notes intermixed, then followed each other. Fritz hadn’t tasted anything like it for ages. He took it in slowly and carefully. He paid attention to every note of flavour. When the piece was done, he opened his eyes. He saw Walter chew the chocolate with open eyes, but his mind was somewhere else. He didn’t want to disturb Walter’s experience, so he sat in silence, waiting.
“You’re not used to that, huh?” Walter said, still with hints of the same attitude. “It’s something special.” His eyes glittered with passion, “Now, take it with you. It might help one evening when you feel fed up with work. But for the love of God, don’t leave it around.” He reached for Fritz’ hand and put the tin into it. Fritz put it on the nightstand on the opposite side of the bed.
“Alright,” Walter sighed, this time contently. “I’m happy you’re here, I’d probably feel awful here alone, tonight.”
Fritz smiled shyly. “You’re welcome.”
They then laid down on the bed on each their side. Fritz listened to Walter breathing. At first, Walter turned slightly away from him, but he changed his mind and rolled over. Fritz held his breath, anticipating another outburst of emotion.
“Fritz?” Walter said, raising his voice. They locked eyes in the dim orange light.
“Yeah, what is it then?” Fritz said, breathlessly.
“You don’t think our boss and Comrade Dietrich have an affair with each other?” Walter asked, looking at Fritz intently.
“Why would I think that?” Fritz protested. “That is very disrespectful!”
“It’s true,” Walter smirked confidently. “I have the proof. They’ve been involved for a long time now.”
Fritz bit his lip. He sensed that soon, there was no way back for him. He dived in. “And us, what about us? We would make a good pair, wouldn’t we?” He said, his voice slightly shaking with nerves.
“As agents?” Walter suspiciously said, narrowing his eyes. However, by the look on his face, Fritz could tell that he had him figured out.
“No,” Fritz paused, “As in romance.” He blushed violently.
Walter edged closer to Fritz. “My God, you’re in love with me? Why didn’t you say?” He put a hand on Fritz’ shoulder and let it rest there.
Fritz trembled under Walter’s touch. “Why should I say?” He recollected himself. “I didn’t know you liked men.”
“No offence, Fritz, but I like men and women. And you?”
Fritz chuckled. “Thanks. I only like men.”
Walter softly looked from Fritz eyes to his mouth and licked his lips. “I can do with that.”
Fritz cleared his throat. “If you say so…” He leant over and put his left hand on Walter’s cheek. Walter moved his hand from Fritz’ shoulder and did the same.
“Do you maybe want to kiss?” Fritz voice shook. He caressed Walter’s rough cheek with his fingers.
A short of breath “Yes” was all Walter managed to reply. He was just as nervous as Fritz, if not even more. Walter took in Fritz’ features; his red beard with occasional grey strands, his deep russet brown eyes. His hair which was short and slightly curly. Fritz looked back just as intently.
They both sat up. Fritz didn’t hesitate this time, he put both of his hands on each side of Walter’s round face. Walter fumbled with his hands, but eventually settled on the back of Fritz neck.
Walter breathed heavily, his eyes darted from Fritz to the wall and back again. “F-Fritz, is this right?” He stuttered.
Fritz put his thumb on Walter’s thin lower lip, trying to comfort him. “Shh. It’s going to be okay, Walter. Let me show you how it’s done.”
Walter remained stiff and on the edge. Fritz put two fingers under his chin and brought their faces together. Still holding Walter this way, he tilted his head and pressed their lips together. Walter grunted in surprise. He tried to kiss back but had to pull away shortly. Fritz’ beard was an unfamiliar, yet not unpleasant sensation. “Sorry…” He gasped for air, “I’ve just never tried-“
Fritz smiled affectionately and nodded. “Take your time, Walter. I know it can feel overwhelming.”
Walter shook his head and smiled at himself. “I’m such an idiot,” he whispered. Fritz sniggered quietly. “Want to give it another try, then?”
“Of course.” Walter took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Fritz felt bursts of butterflies stream from his stomach up to his chest. Walter kissed first this time. It was fierce and demanding kiss, full of released longing. Fritz’ heart skipped a beat. He slid his hands slowly through Walter’s dark silver hair, adoring it. As Walter developed confidence, his shoulders dropped. The old familiar mischief, which Fritz loved so much, reappeared.
“You feel better now, eh?” Fritz laughed flirtatiously.
“Sure, Fritz. I just had to get back into it, you know.” Walter smiled timidly but reached out for Fritz’ hands. Fritz happily intertwined his fingers with Walter’s. They sat silently in this position, closely in front of each other.
Suddenly, Walter leant his forehead against Fritz’. “If I didn’t have you, I didn’t know what I would do now. You keep me sane.” He pressed his fingers tighter and exhaled.
“I don’t know what to say, Walter,” Fritz opened his eyes partly, then closed them again. “That is a big responsibility to have.”
“I know,” Walter muttered. “I don’t want to pressure you, but that is the truth. As I told you, you’re the only one I trust at work. Since work is everything, as you know…” Walter furrowed his eyebrows in a focused look, “It is everything.”
“Walter…” Fritz tried, desperately. He removed his fingers from Walter’s and cupped his still hands instead. “I don’t know if I can live up all of this…” He gulped, “But I can try. I will try.”
“You’ll never know how much this means to me.” Walter said. His voice cracked at the end of the sentence, and Fritz saw tears roll down his face.
“Let’s not worry about that now, Walter,” Fritz responded warmly. He embraced Walter tenderly and wiped his tears with his fingertips.
“I guess you’re right, I’m so overdramatic.” Walter rolled his eyes and grinned. “I like it when you cup my face, do it some more. Kiss me some more, too.”
“Oh, you bastard!” Fritz exclaimed amusedly, “I certainly wouldn’t mind.”