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"Dad?" A small voice came from the door, a little boy in blue pajamas stood there holding his blanket with a teary look on his eyes. Illumi was surprised to see his son up, he was often sound asleep at this time.
"Yes?" He said in his bleak tone. "Is there something wrong?"
He could see his son hesitate and hold back from crying. Illumi was getting a bit worried that his son seemed so distressed, he walked towards him and crouched to his level. "Are you alright?"
The boy sniffled, "I had a nightmare dad." He now felt foolish for acting the way he did. He knew his dad wasn't the type to show much emotion, and now he felt stupid for not being braver in front of him. Illumi just looked at him in bewilderment. He wasn't home all the time because of his...exploits, and it was usually his wife who watched over their kid. With his wife out running errands, this was his first time to actually comfort his son. And God help him, he had no idea what he was supposed to do.
Assassin jobs? Easy. Extortion? Piece of cake. A little torture? A normal workday. But this, having to comfort your kid? It was a nightmare.
"Umm," Shit. Shit. Shit. He genuinely had no idea what to do. When he was younger and had a nightmare, he just went back to sleep, no matter how scared he felt. He would just go back to sleep in his huge room that felt lonely. His parents never did any real parenting, how would he have any idea what a good dad was? Illumi picked up his son and carried him to his bed. "do you want to sleep with me and your mom tonight?" The boy gave a silent nod.
As Illumi tucked him in, he noticed his son slowly snuggling himself towards him. "Is this okay?" Illumi asked as he placed a hand on the boy's head.
"It is, I like being with you dad."
At those words, Illumi's cold and blank face faded. He was shocked, his heart warmed at the sound of his son telling him he loved him.
"I like being your dad too." A small smile made its way to Illumi's lips and although he never was one to sing, he felt a melody come through.
Close your eyes, Have no fear
The monster's gone, He's on the run and your dad is here
His son looked at him in surprise. He didn't know his dad sang songs, he never sang him lullabies. As his dad continued he could only hug his dad and drift off to sleep.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy
Love was a foreign concept to Illumi. Before he met his wife, before his son, he was sure no one would care if he would leave. But as he sang to this boy, this child who was a product of his actual love for someone, it felt like he was in a dream. How did he come so far? While singing, he reminisces at the times he heard this song. He would always find his lover singing it, and it always seemed to hit different for him.
He didn't know what was it about that song, it just felt like it was made for him.
. . .
It was a beautiful sunset that day, the sea breeze was salty in Illumi's face and her hands were so soft. He always thought he married a siren, her voice was too ethereal to be that of a human's.
Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better
"Why do you always sing that song?" He asks her as they walked through the harbor.
"I don't know honestly," She would answer. "Whenever I think of you, it's the song that comes to my head."
He wouldn't lie, that remark made him blush.
"YOU'RE BLUSHING!" She noticed.
"You're hallucinating, dear."
"Oh sure, because gaslighting someone always solves things." He never did get her humor, but she was such a joy to be with.
He looked at the golden ring on her finger and smiled to himself. "As your husband, I think you are." He kissed her hand to shut her up, it did work. He was hers, she was his; he wouldn't have it any other way.
. . .
The second time was in late autumn, it was after one of his "jobs" and he came home at midnight. As he went up the stairs he was greeted by the cries of his newborn son, cradled by his wife. He made sure not to disturb her and looked from the door. She was nursing the poor child and putting him back to sleep. When she told him he was pregnant, Illumi wasn't really excited. It was expected, he didn't have the best childhood and he didn't really think he was ready. It's only a baby, my love. She would tell him.
Illumi wasn't there for his son's birth. He was busy ending lives the day his wife brought life to their child, and he still hates himself for it. When he finally got to hold his baby boy, he had no words, no hate, and pain; just nothing. All he could feel was love, so much love he didn't know he was capable of. He couldn't help but care for the creature in his arms; who had his face and his wife's beautiful eyes. It was incomprehensible.
Now he watched as his wife rocked the babe in her arms, for him to sleep. Singing the same lullaby that she would sing to him, now she sang to their son.
Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait to see you to come of age
As she sang, Illumi could hear her devotion, the motherly love she had in her. Lucky kid. That was all he could think because his son was lucky. His son was lucky to be raised by a woman like her, his son was lucky because he was loved, his son was lucky that he wouldn't grow up like his dad. Illumi knew that being a Zoldyck was sort of a curse he gave his son. His biggest fear was that his past would catch up with him, and his son would go through what he did; just the thought of it was enough to make him tear up. No one will hurt him, as long as I live. He thought as he clenched his jaw and through teary eyes.
But I guess we'll both
Just have to be patient
He was so lost in his thoughts that he did not realize that his wife noticed his presence. It was then he noticed, as she sang to their son, she sang to him. Illumi walked up to her and gave a kiss to their little boy. She, in turn, placed a hand on his cheek to wipe the stray tear that fell. And with a smile and the softest yet most delicate voice she sang:
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful boy
. . .
A week passed after that night, and he had to leave again. The night before he left he had the strangest yet hardest conversation he had in a long time with his wife.
He just finished his bath and found her staring at the stars through the window. He asked if she was alright, she said she was and pulled him in for a chaste kiss. Why isn't she looking me in the eye? After a few moments of deafening silence, she finally spoke.
"Honey, how bad was your childhood? Are you alright?"
Illumi froze in his place, the pin finally dropped. She's afraid of you. A voice said. She's gonna leave you, she'll take the boy as well. Who would want to be with you? She knew what he was, she knew what his family was, but she never knew what his childhood really was. He tried to speak, nothing came; but yet she understood. She took him in her arms and held him close as if saying You don't need to say it, I understand.
It took him a few moments to collect his thoughts, but then he did tell her. It was a long conversation, and it felt like a lifetime to Illumi. He told her what his parents did, what he and his siblings went through, and what he did as well. He assured her that they would never come and hurt their family, not as long as he lives and that he would never do anything to harm their son. As he spoke he choked on his words when he realized how fucked he was. He didn't deserve this family, he didn't deserve this second chance, he was a Zoldyck and he was fucked.
He told her how sometimes he felt jealous of his son. How he wished he could feel the security that his son felt with his family. He didn't know what familial love felt like, and he just hoped that what he was doing was what his son deserved.
Illumi looked to see his wife, thinking he would find her afraid and horrified of what he did. Instead, he saw her crying in pity, her hands covering her mouth as she listened to the past of the man she loved. She did nothing but bring him in for a hug. She held him like she was hanging on to dear life.
It was a well-known fact that Illumi didn't show emotions. His friend Hisoka always pointed that out to him. But at this moment a dam broke in him. Suddenly his face was wet, and his sight was blurry, the air in his lungs was lost. As he sobbed into her arms all he could muffle out were apologies and promises.
"Cause it's a long way to go, and it's going to be hard Illumi." That was all she could say as she took his face in her hands and looked at him with a sad smile.
"I know you, and I know you would never hurt us. But in the meantime, Before you go leave don't forget my love: life is what happens to you, while you're busy making other plans." As she said this their son cried. She gave him a kiss as she went to get the young boy from his crib. As she put the boy back to sleep, Illumi made his ultimatum: he didn't have the perfect past, but he sure as hell would make the perfect future for his son.
. . .
As Illumi looked back at the sleeping boy at his side, he gave the barest of smiles. This boy would want for nothing, and he would never know fear as long as he had his father.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful boy,
Darling, darling,
My darling son.
"Goodnight son, see you in the morning." He gave his son a kiss on the forehead and headed out to greet his wife who just came home.
Love was foreign to Illumi, he wasn't very good at being emotionally available; he was never a good person in general. But for his little family, he was willing to try.